5 Birthday Gifts for the Toddler Who Has Everything » VSB

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5 Birthday Gifts for the Toddler Who Has Everything

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I have three kids. One is 8 (I have no idea what you call the 8-year-old phase of life) and the other two are toddlers. This means that I have some experience – and expertise – in the art of what toddlers like. Which is important because one of the most frequent questions I’ve received in life is “what should I get for your kid for his/her birthday?” I’m fortunate.

If you’re like me and mines, though you will publicly declare on the social medias your  plan to NOT have a birthday party celebrating each year of your kid’s life (often stating things like, “they’ll never remember anyway” and “that’s too expensive”) you absolutely will find ways to have celebrations where you invite all of the adults you know with chirrens. Some of these events will have liquor because any party with 20 children under 10, no matter the age distribution, variance, or standard deviation, will be an absolute madhouse and a drink or twelve wouldn’t even be frowned upon by child services.

To accompany any toddler’s birthday party is usually a plethora of gifts the parents already own (we all shop at the exact same places AND people buy gifts from the same places we shop) and gift cards. Gift cards are awesome because they can be used to buy things we don’t already have, typically the things we need. But here’s the real question: What do the kids want? It’s the question every kid wants to let you know the answer to, but when you can only say that you’re “this many” when somebody asks your age, there’s a good chance articulating your wants is difficult.

Well, because I’m feeling generous today and because I have so much experience in the Child Arts, here are the things that I’ve noticed that my kids and other people’s kids that I’ve been around seem to enjoy the most (and thus want), assuming you’re looking to get things for them and not just come drink my fine liquors at the birthday party.

1. Bubbles

You can go spend $75 on that plastic builder set that I’ll open, spend two hours assembling that’s missing a few screws for some odd reason, that my kids will kinda sorta maybe play with by coloring on it and putting stickers all over turning it into a living art installation that will likely NEVER get used for its intended purpose OR you can go spend $10 bucks and get, like, 5 bubble wands or some sort of bubble maker and make these children happier than they ever knew was possible. I don’t know what it is about bubbles, but to kids, bubbles are THE SHIT. Take some kids outside and blow some damn bubbles and you’ll see pure, unmitigated joy, love, and happiness that even Al Green couldn’t articulate. Bubbles is where it’s at, fam.

2. Outside

Say heffa, say what?  Outside? Yaaaaaaaaaasss. Outside. Listen, there is nothing more alluring to a kid who says “no” “mine” and “bubbles” than outside. True story, my one-year-old pitches a pure fit EVERY.TIME. somebody walks out the door at my home and he doesn’t get to go. It’s like outside is the world’s greatest club and he can’t get in. He cannot get into the outside. Word to Home. Outside is the gift that keeps on giving. To kids, the outdoors is an amazing array of possibilities, even if you literally only go into the backyard or  to the sidewalk. Nigga, if you take a kid outside with bubbles? Bruh. You might as well be Black Jesus.

3. Blocks

I’m loathe to say blocks because it’s the one thing that I’m guessing most  homes from the least well-off to the most financially stable have in abundance. Kids love them some blocks. Even big kids can find something to do with a buffet of colorful blocks laying on the floor. The thing about blocks is that they get lost, misplaced, and thrown away very easily. A set that starts out at 100 on Monday is probably down to 37 on Friday. More blocks. I can just put them bitches in a closet and pull them out when needed. I took my two-year-old son to Toys ‘R Us the other day to let him pick out anything he wanted (under $20 bucks but he ain’t need to know all of that) and sure as shootin’, he picked out some more blocks. Blocks for the win.

4. Water

I know. This one also makes no sense. But listen, kids love water. It’s like “outside” to them. They just want to be part of it and play with it and splash it and throw it. They don’t care if it’s a bathtub or outside with bubbles in a plastic kiddie pool. Water is always the win. You show up with a gallon of water and my kid will be dumbfounded. You pour said water in the bathtub and put them in there and Black Jesus again. Dog, the sprinkler? All the giggles.

5. Boxes

Have you ever watched kids at Christmas open gifts? The boxes get all the run from tiny kids. Get you a pack of boxes and you might ascend to auntie or uncle status. Put some blocks in that box? And bubbles? Bruh.

Bonus: iPad

My two-year-old knows entirely how to navigate the world of my iPad, both utilizing Netflix, pulling up his sister’s account and choosing movies to his liking. The same with YouTube Kids videos. He has favorites. For those that don’t know, videos of white people opening up toys is very popular for some reason. White people stay winning.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Val

    Damned earthquakes. Scared the heck out of me.

    • blueevey

      Where?

      • Val

        Bay Area.

        • cedriclathan

          Must have been South Bay. Cat sleeping on the floor in the sun, didn’t move an inch. We didn’t feel it up here.

          • Val

            Sounded like somebody dropped a giant rock on the house.

            • cedriclathan

              You got a ladder?

              • Val

                Lol A ladder? For what?

                • cedriclathan

                  Go look on the roof.

                  • Val

                    Lol

                  • Cheech

                    One night during a college summer, I heard what sounded like a man walking on the roof. My dad heard it too, and we went out back with flashlights and checked it out. Nothing.

                    The next morning, the next door neighbor said, hey, ‘dja see the mountain lion? Around the same time, he’d woken up and seen a mountain lion drinking out of his pool.

                    • cedriclathan

                      Cool!

                    • Val

                      That used to happen almost every night at our old place but it was raccoons.

                    • BrothasKeeper

                      Oh HAIL naw!!!!!

                    • cedriclathan

                      C’mon, you wouldn’t want to see a mountain lion?

                    • BrothasKeeper

                      I’ve seen a bear. I’m good.

                    • Emily Harris

                      My sister in law lives on the Eastern side of the state in the mountains and they have to lock up their dogs our the mountain lions will attack them. Let them be pretty over there.

    • AzucarNegra

      Sorry to hear val

      • Val

        Thanks. It wasn’t a major one, it just startled me.

        • AzucarNegra

          A couple yrs ago we got one. I was using an atm at the same time and got annoyed that someone was shaking the machines, came outside saw a building shaking, stared for half a minute then burst out laughing as it dawned on me what was really happening.

          • Val

            Lol.

            • AzucarNegra

              That was the first time i was feeling one most times i dont feel the tremors

              • Val

                My dad lived in California after the parents divorced, so I’ve been feeling them since I was little.

    • cyanic

      Always anxious about the big one. There was a TV miniseries starring the mom from Growing Pains.

      • Val

        I don’t really think about it until we get a quake that lasts more than a second or two, then I’m like, is this it?

        • cyanic

          Most dangerous of the natural disasters because there’s no warning nor places to flee the activity.

          • Val

            I guess but I’d rather deal with an earthquake erry now and then than tornadoes every other day.

            • cedriclathan

              Like who really wants “hurricane season”? WTF is that?

              • Kas

                For real, for real

            • MsSula

              You can see a tornado coming though…

              • Val

                Not at night.

                • MsSula

                  I mean you will be warned before. An earthquake has no precursory signs

            • cyanic

              When the wind cuts up like that they can go underground. Not an option for us.

        • cedriclathan

          I don’t think about them until something falls off the wall.

      • Gibbous

        I live on the east coast, and we are NOT prepared. Major fault lines running through VA, NY to Canada. Nothing on the East Coast is to quake code.

        We seem to be having them more frequently too.

        • cyanic

          There was video before of East Coasters panicking inside a store from some jolts.

    • Cheech
    • miss t-lee

      I finally experienced one here a few months back.
      Strange, strange sensation.

      • AzucarNegra

        When I did feel one I didn’t know until after the fact. Somehow it was not computing

        • miss t-lee

          Heyll, I thought it was my building settling or something. It wasn’t until I checked twitter, and everyone else was asking, “did you just feel that earthquake?” I’m like oh sh*t, is that what that was?

          • AzucarNegra

            I started laughing like a loon when I DID realise what it was

            • miss t-lee

              It felt like when you’re drunk, and you lay down on the bed.
              Sh*t was bizarre…lol

              • AzucarNegra

                I was in at the atm and got really annoyed at the person using the machine next to mine, wishing that they would stop shaking the damn thing.

                • MsSula

                  LMAO

                  • AzucarNegra

                    Up until that point I always heard ” Did you feel that earthquake?” and I was always responded “no”. It was definitely not like the movies. Again proving Hollywood lies.

                • miss t-lee

                  I can’t stop laughing.

      • Val

        Fracking?

        • miss t-lee

          Yup. It was an earthquake that happened in Oklahoma.
          We could feel it all the way here in Austin. It was wild.

          • Jennifer

            My God…

            • miss t-lee

              It was wild girl. Felt like when you’re drunk, and the room is spinning…lol

              • Jennifer

                I’ve experienced them in CA, NH, and DC at this point. Handled them poorly on the East Coast. We ran clear out the building when it happened. Apparently, you’re not supposed to do that, lol

                • miss t-lee

                  No ma’am, don’t do that. ?

  • Epsilonicus

    Any thoughts on this idea about creating an HBCU college basketball league where players are paid??

    https://sports.vice.com/en_us/article/the-plot-to-disrupt-the-ncaa-with-a-pay-for-play-hbcu-basketball-league

    • Val

      Cool with me but how are they going to pay for this? Most HBCUs aren’t exactly rolling in dough.

      • Epsilonicus

        Their concept paper has some ideas about outside investors

  • Candace Harris

    You described everything my 2 year old loves!

  • Question

    Can we add Play Doh to this list (store bought or home made)? My daughter can literally play with it for hours.

    Oh and bubbles pro-tip: dish soap, water and SUGAR. Helps with the viscosity.

    • Emily Harris

      Giving my children Play Doh will get you murked around these parts unless you want to be the one cutting dried Play Doh out of carpet fibers. Drum sets, tambourines, harmonicas, or recorders will get you a good old fashioned prison style shanking.

  • AzucarNegra

    These days my first gift is cash to start an acct at a bank or credit union. At around age 5 , I may give a piggy bank with coins

  • MsSula

    Oh my god!! You ain’t say nothing but a word about those white people opening gifts videos!!! My niece is transfixed with them.

    And I swear to God Almighty if I hear the “Daddy Finger” song one more time I am liable to choke somebody for real.

  • BlackMamba, Romperstiltskin

    Water guns too. Anything related to water is a good gift. These toys will be used for years.

  • BlackMamba, Romperstiltskin

    Legos are on point, they’re the cheapest of this new “smart toy”trend.

    • cyanic

      They’re expensive. My oldest nephew loves those.

      • BlackMamba, Romperstiltskin

        Are they? I remember them being pretty affordable but the last time I touched one I wasn’t paying any bills.

        • cyanic

          Maybe you’re thinking of the large Legos for the youngest group allowed to play with them.

    • Jae Starz

      Legos are definitely not cheap.

      • Question

        Nor are those mag formers/Magna Tiles.

        Legos suck to step on too…

        • Kas

          Magna tiles are ridiculous

      • BlackMamba, Romperstiltskin

        Nvm!

    • Rewind4ThatBehind

      A decent Lego set is the same as 5 lap dances so I’m not sure about it being cost effective.

      • cyanic

        So dirty.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          That’s me.

      • AzucarNegra

        * go to the corner gif*

      • BrothasKeeper

        Unless you can construct a Lego stage with a pole.

        • cedriclathan

          Well, there is a Porsche Lego set, so, maybe?

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          I’m not sure that would be very comfortable though.

          Lots of blisters and such.

          • cedriclathan

            Sensory bumps.

            • Rewind4ThatBehind

              That’s what she said.

          • BrothasKeeper

            I heard shoe models have…..strong feet.

        • Val

          You’ve gone too far! Lol

          • AzucarNegra

            It’s BK and let him have fun

      • BlackMamba, Romperstiltskin

        LMFAO 5 lap dances.

      • Jennifer

        My friend told me her niece requested a Lego set for her birthday that was $150. I called my friend a liar and googled it myself. How many lap dances will that get you?

  • AzucarNegra

    Marbles. BUT I got cussed out for giving marbles, because the darn things were turning up all over the house

    • cedriclathan

      When they throw them they hurt and break glass.

      • AzucarNegra

        No, because apparently the things are all over the house, and they can actually cause falls. It is not my fault that they do not teach the kids to secure the marbles properly.

        • cedriclathan

          Maybe I should have said, “AND when they throw them they hurt and break glass.” Because, those are facts.

    • Zil Nabu

      Don’t they swallow those?

      • AzucarNegra

        Perhaps but they generally roll them all over your house.

  • BrothasKeeper
    • BlackMamba, Romperstiltskin

      You will. You’ll be a great dad, smart, wise, hardworking and caring.

    • Rewind4ThatBehind
      • AzucarNegra

        Sigh. I await the surprise announcement though. I’ll even come to NY just to baby sit for you.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

          • AzucarNegra

            So you do not want me to come to NY?Aite I hear you.

            • Rewind4ThatBehind

              I did not say that.

              Come here. As often as you like.

          • Charles Johnson

            50% of pregnancy are unplanned, just sayin

            • Rewind4ThatBehind

              50% of everyone else’s pregnancies.

        • Jennifer

          Yep. Those are the ones who usually surprise us.

          • Deborahlcrofoot


            Last month i got paid 11000 bucks… I got that by working simple online work from comfort of my home for 3-4 hours/each day that I got from this firm I discovered over the internet and I got paid 95 bucks each hour… And if i can do it so can you,try it out here
            ???http://www.OnlineGlobalTopJobsTopMaps/Wage/Home….
            ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::aj50..

      • Diego Duarte

        Same page.

        Used to want to have kids. Now though, with the cost of housing, school, the current wages and the work hours: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE.

        World is overpopulated enough as it is. Life is too short.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          That’s what I say. Let everyone do the hard work and I can die in a pool of my disposable income at my own accord.

    • MsSula

      You will!! I know you will sooner than later!

    • cyanic

      Assumed you were a father. You have a daddy build and face.

      • BrothasKeeper

        That’s from tossing around high schoolers for 17 years.

        • cyanic

          Cloud making factory.

        • Blueberry01

          Wow, you’ve been teaching for almost years?!? #RoundOfApplause

    • Val

      Lol Stop it, Bruvaman.

    • miss t-lee

      One day…

    • AzucarNegra

      Don’t give up.

    • cyanic

      Women within child bearing age chasing after a father figure type has me wondering are they dangerous to the men they attach to?

      • grownandsexy2

        Just from observing, some of the men are dangerous as they look at her as someone they can control much like a parent controls a child.

      • Rewind4ThatBehind

        It’s tricky.

        Easy to manipulate for all the wrong reasons.

        Which is why we have to hit both angles….dudes being pedophiles and women in need of guidance from both genders.

        • cyanic

          Are men truly the p word for preferring younger than themselves?

          • Jennifer

            No. They are p’s for preferring children.

            • cyanic

              We know that’s the true definition. But people apply to men seeking the 18 to 25 crowd.

              • Diego Duarte

                My dad came home one day with an 18 year old. He then tried his hardest to hit on a girl I brought home and I was hitting on at the moment.

                I almost sued him to put him in a home for the elderly.

    • grownandsexy2

      Awwww, you gon’ be alright. **hugs**

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