Words alone cannot express my gratitude and appreciation for the many people who’s honesty, courage and advice has prevented me from thinking I would go insane trying to figure out how a man can say he loves you with all his heart in one breath and lie in the next as if he’s totally oblivious to what he’s said a moment ago. HMMM. Am I really here? Is there an invisible entity that snatches the energy of his words and transforms them for him so by the time the words enter my ears I hear something completely different? If so, this illusion is beyond cruel.

This is the situation I have found myself in.

For the VSB’s;

Let’s say you are 40 years old; married and divorced 3 times. You left your 3rd wife for a lady you say is the ‘girl of your dreams’. You tell her you’re in love with her. She’s interested in you but wants some answers regarding your tumultuous relationship history before she agrees to meet you. She asks you the reason for the break-up of your previous marriages and here are the answers you give.

First marriage; ‘too young’. No children. Second marriage your wife cheated. One child. A son you haven’t seen for 17 of his 18 years. You quit the military (training for the Green Beret) to return home to see if you could save your marriage. You claim it was the biggest mistake of your life. Your wife is gone and you drive your vehicle into a tree. You leave the state and marry wife number 3. She’s a single mom with 3 small children. That marriage lasts until you get involved with a lady you play cards with on the internet. You’re crazy about her. You can’t stop thinking about her day and night. You ask her to meet you to “see if what you’re feeling is real”. She refuses to even meet you until you are single. You leave your 3rd wife for this lady(no nudes exchanged nor any ‘cyber sex’).

You meet her (both in her country and yours) five times over the next four months (about 30 days total) and spend most of your spare time with her via the internet. Before she agrees to meet you she tells you that she won’t sleep with you during the 5 day you spend together. She also says that if you’re not interested in her to be honest and don’t waste her time or break her heart. You do sleep with her during your second encounter a month later. After four months you propose. You’ve been so convincing that she believes, inspite of your relationship history of three failed marriages as well as cheating, that you love her and will be faithful so she says ‘yes’.

For the next 2 years you live together and the relationship slowly starts to disintegrate because the “guy” things that are creeping into the relationship are setting off alarm bells in her head and she’s starting to question her own sanity and whether or not she should stay or go. You know she’s slipping away. You start doing crazy stuff like purposely hurting her feelings, being rude and condescending, threatening to drive your truck off Niagara Falls if you’re ever told to leave among other crazy stuff. As a consequence of all this crazy stuff she’s not as responsive sexually so you begin to make sure she notices you checking out other women, surfing more porn, doing less to help her, spending more and more time playing cards on the internet and checking out the ‘personal’ ads online.

She’s not only in a constant state of confusion and heartheache, she’s becoming increasingly unhappy and withdrawn. She says a prayer. She’s asking that something, anything, comes up, forcing you to return to your country so she can have some time to think about what’s really going on without your tantrums and threats keeping her in a state where she can’t figure out which voice to listen to – the ones in her head or yours.

Her prayer is answered. You must go back to your country. Understand, she loves you and wants to be with you but all this craziness is all too familiar to her as she’s been cheated on once before. She doesn’t want to end the relationship until she figures out if she’s overreacting to what she perceives is going on around her. She thinks some time apart will be good for both of you.

The plan, because you have to return to your country, is to rent a hotel as close as possible to where she lives – about 5 hours drive – with the intention of finding a job and then getting your own place asap. She will be commuting every week to see you. The plan is to do the commuting thing for a few months so she can finish getting things in order to move with you to Arizona and get married.

She spends three weeks with you. During this time you are offered a job 2,000 miles away and you tell her you want to take the job because 1) you’ve always wanted to see Alaska, 2) it’s seasonal work so you’ll only be gone for 6 months giving her time to finish things she needs to get done before she can leave her country and 3) there isn’t much in Yakatat, Alaksa to spend money on so you will be able to save more money.

She agrees it’s the best thing to do for now and is excited and looking forward to getting one step closer to where you both want to go – Arizona.

While you’re out one day she gets on your computer and notices you’ve been looking at ‘personal’ ads in the vicinity. Her heart sinks and she goes into “what do I do now mode”. You know, the endless running of different scenarios and their probably consequences. Unfortunately, she’s afraid of you. Your tantrums and excessive outbursts prevent her from being able to bring this matter up so she keeps quiet. But it eats away at her. She’s not sure if she’s willing to take the risk and sleep with you again. Your last night together turns into a disaster (translated into “no physical contact”). You’re furious. You can’t understand why she won’t make love when she won’t see you for about 2 months. (You’d already told her you’d send her a plane ticket so you wouldn’t be apart the entire 6 months). She can’t understand how you can spend 75% of your time playing cards instead of doing things with her when you’re going to be apart for so long.

You part on bad terms but you continue talking with her via the internet for the next few weeks making sure she knows you love her and are looking forward to seeing her soon. Then BAMMM!!!! She get’s an email from one of your buddies that you work with saying you hooked up with a “girl you used to mess with years ago” while you stopped in your hometown for 2 weeks visiting your parents before flying to Alaska. You wanted to sleep with her and she wanted to sleep with you but you didn’t because you weren’t sure about how you felt about her. And now you are online with her “facebooking” as often as possible.

She’s not sure if it’s true or not. To her it seems strange that 1) you would cheat at the very time things are moving forward and 2) that you would brag to your friend about such a thing knowing for certain it will get back to her.

While she’s trying to sort out this new information her father passes away so she calls you to tell you and you’re upset she called you at 8:30 am on your day off. You repeatedly tell her you ‘haven’t had your coffee yet’. She’s so upset about the news that she can’t comprehend how you can not want to talk to her at a time like this just because you haven’t had a coffee!!! At some point you say ‘sorry to hear that’ and then tell her not to call you that early ever again. By this time she gets the message loud and clear you don’t care at all about her. She decides it’s not worth continuing the conversation and says “I love you”. To which you are silent. So she says “bye”.

After several months of emotional toil she realizes she can’t live like this anymore nor can she let you go. She’s in limbo. Not a pleasant place to be. She comes to the conclusion that you will never be monogamous. And in all fairness, just because you lie to yourself that you will be, she understands that you will be perpetually grumpy and frustrated trying to do something you just don’t have the wisdom or strength to do.

She comes up with a solution. Instead of denying reality why not embrace it? Why go through torture when there is a possibility that attacking the problem from a different angle maybe both would be happy?

She proposes to you this solution. You can engage in any sexual activity you choose with whoever you choose. But once you sleep with someone your penis never gets inside her again. I’m sure it’s obvious why. STD’s. She’s not really sexually compatible with you and there’s no way you will ever be satisfied with her and only her. She however is satisfied with only sleeping with you. She has no intention on expanding her sexual prowess with anyone else. You can please her by anything other than you penis.

To some this may seem unconventional but you know what? Isn’t love really about accepting your partner as they are without trying to change their basic nature or addiction or whatever you want to call it. Realistically, there’s no perfect person so why try to ‘make’ the man of your dreams into that which he knows not how to become.

So, would any of you accept this as a solution? If yes, why? If no, why?

Each person, hopefully, grows as an individual every day. To learn something new about yourself, while in a relationship, is one of the scariest things that can happen.

You are directly pinned against what you are getting, and what you want, or what you think you want. So for the time being, most wouldn’t leave, they will figure it out so to speak. If they are stupid, they will get caught. If they are smart, just like with a job, you only move on when you’ve found something better.

What are the values that SHOULD keep a person from cheating? Honesty, respect, loyalty? Well are all of these things found in the common relationship? No, they are usually based on aesthetic factors and sex. Social perception and its benefits.

Most people will never analyze themselves and realize “hey, maybe I’m just an asshole, and I don’t care how other people feel” so any impulse to
act that was is seen as negative and repressed.

Some people accept that the world works how it works, and you do what you can get away with. Fighting the realization that some people are just very smart, and know how to make themselves happy free from emotional limitations, is fear in itself that you are not happy as you are.
I will leave it at that, for now.

Seems like lack of compromise is the problem in all of those cases.

The woman with the weight problem won’t compromise and discuss and exercise program. The man won’t compromise and admit that beauty is the most fleeting of all positive attributes.

The dude who likes mouth sex won’t compromise and admit that women of a different caliber have different ideas about what is acceptable in sex and admit that he chose a woman of a certain caliber for a reason.

His chick won’t compromise on her standards and consider the idea that a man’s actions outside of the bedroom say as much about his respect for you as his actions inside of it. So, if he’s respectful of her in all other situations, his sexual preferences are probably just what gets him off.

Saturday* you’re waaaay over it.