30 Reasons Why Your Favorite Team Won’t Win An NBA Championship (…And 30 Ways They Can)
The NBA regular season starts today, just a few months after the Golden State Warriors culminated their historic collapse by losing to the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals.
And, if you happened to forget how suddenly the Warriors went Peak Dumpster Fire and how Lebron and Kyrie did Steph and Klay and Dray like Negan is currently doing Rick, watch these clips again. Just, you know, to refresh your memory.
Anyway, with each new season comes new expectations and high hopes and shit. Unfortunately, only one team can win the championship. Because that’s how championships work. Only one team can win. If more than one team can win, it’s not a championship. It’s a brunch buffet. Below are reasons why each of the NBA’s 30 teams won’t win shit this year…and 30 ways they can.
In reverse order:
30. Brooklyn Nets
Why they won’t win shit: You can’t name more than three players on their team. Somehow, Brooklyn basketball managed to be even less relevant than Brooklyn hip-hop.
How they could: If the Kardashians invented a cloning machine, and created 400 Khloes to date and marry each of the players on every other team.
29. New Orleans Pelicans
Why they won’t win shit: Because Anthony Davis is made of candy corn. Plus, “Pelicans” is a stupid fucking name.
How they could: If each player was actually part pelican and learned how to fly.
28. The Los Angeles Lakers
Why they won’t win shit: Because the only thing worse than Laker fans are Kappas.
How they could: If they started a year-long campaign to spite Kobe, kinda like how the Cleveland Indians did with the owner in Major League. They could even post a cardboard cut out of him in the locker room. And throw 25 passes at his head after each victory. Because irony.
27. The Philadelphia 76ers
Why they won’t win shit: Philadelphia is a trash city with toxic hoagies and rats the size of newly skinny Rick Ross. They do have a nice Suitsupply store there, though.
How they could: They can’t.
26. Sacramento Kings
Why they won’t win shit: Because Boogie Cousins is the NBA equivalent of diarrhea emoji.
How they could: If the Cavs traded Lebron and Kyrie and Kevin Love to the Kings, and then Lebron and Kyrie and Kevin Love invite Boogie out to dinner. On a yacht. And he gets to the yacht, but there’s no one else there. And he tries to get off the yacht but it’s too late and he can’t swim so he’s stuck on this yacht headed to Antarctica.
25. Denver Nuggets
Why they won’t win shit: No one cares about anyone on their team. (Except, of course, their family members and shit, I assume.)
How they could: If the thin mountain air activates latent sickle cell traits in every Black player they play against.
24. Phoenix Suns
Why they won’t win shit: No one cares about anyone on their team. (Except, of course, the type of professional basketball bloggers who’ve never actually played basketball.) Devin Booker’s the shit, though.
How they could: If they measured championships in irreverent pieces published about them per month.
23. Orlando Magic:
Why they won’t win shit: Because their best player still hasn’t quite realized that his girlfriend is Keri Hilson and not Ciara.
How they could: If every NBA player aside from the Magic invited their families to Disney World on the same weekend. And Walt Disney also emerged from his cryogenic nap that weekend and shot all the Black people.
22. New York Knicks
Why they won’t win shit: The best defense for the very public misdeeds of their starting point guard: “He’s not a rapist. Just the dumbest motherfucker who ever lived.”
How they could: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
21. Milwaukee Bucks
Why they won’t win shit: Because the moment when Giannis Antetokounmpo takes over the league will never actually happen. He’s the Sam Worthington of NBA players.
How they could: If Basketball Fetch actually finally happens. (He won’t though, so it’s moot.)
20. Miami Heat
Why they won’t win shit: Because Pat Riley deserves for them to suck.
How they could: If KOD left Miami and started a franchise in every other NBA city.
19. Chicago Bulls
Why they won’t win shit: Because they constructed a roster that would have been great in 2008 despite the fact that it hasn’t been 2008 in eight years.
How they could: If the Jordan statue came to life. But with his head replaced by the Jordan cry face. And then joined the team, confusing and scaring the fuck out of everyone they played against.
18. Charlotte Hornets
Why they won’t win shit: Because who cares?
How they could: See above.
17. Washington Wizards
Why they won’t win shit: Their best player (John Wall) has the ball for 20 seconds each possession and can’t shoot. And their second best player (Bradley Beal) spends too much time in Ozio.
How they could: If they were literally wizards.
16. Atlanta Hawks
Why they won’t win shit: They’re basically a less talented and less lightskinneded version of the Spurs.
How they could: If Dwight Howard actually found Jesus instead of unopened condom wrappers in his couch cushions
15. Detroit Pistons
Why they won’t win shit: Ron Jeremy is their head coach and Bobby Shmurda is their starting point guard.
How they could: If they gave championships to the team with the most predicate felon season ticket holders.
14. Dallas Mavericks
Why they won’t win shit: Rick Carlisle is a genius, but you can only polish a turd (their roster) for but so long before you realize you’ve spent the last hour attempting to polish a piece of shit.
How they could: Maybe there’s diamonds embedded in the turd roster instead of peanuts.
13. Minnesota Timberwolves
Why they won’t win shit: Because Ricky Rubio is a poor man’s John Wall who people keep calling a poor man’s Pistol Pete just because he’s White and shaggy.
How they could: If Karl-Anthony Towns realizes his destiny sooner. Which is to be the guy — not Steph or Kevin Durant — to take Lebron’s place when Lebron is tired of being the best player in the league.
12. Utah Jazz
Why they won’t win shit: Too many White guys, still.
How they could: If #AllLivesMatter replaced Jerry West as the logo.
11. Houston Rockets
Why they won’t win shit: Too many good-looking women in Houston, which is never a good thing for NBA teams. Plus, their best player gives as many fucks about defense as Nate Parker does with advice.
How they could: If James Harden — who’s actually a legitimate threat to average 30 and 10 this year — uses chloroform instead of Jack Black to condition his beard.
10. Memphis Grizzles
Why they won’t win shit: Every NBA player will carry a vendetta against Mike Conley, a nice and decent little guard — the Jenna Fisher of NBA point guards — who’s somehow the highest paid NBA player ever.
How they could: If teams were still allowed to fight. And weren’t required to actually make shots.
9. Oklahoma City Thunder
Why they won’t win shit: I don’t give a fuck about any of this. I just need to see the first time they play the Warriors. And I need to see if Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant will greet each other. And I need to witness Westbrook attempt to shank him with a basketball.
How they could: See above.
8. Portland Trailblazers
Why they won’t win shit: I have nothing snarky to say about them. I like them a lot. They’re just not good enough.
How they could: I won’t even joke that they can. Because they can’t. At all.
7. Indiana Pacers
Why they won’t win shit: They have Jeff Teague on their team now. Who always looks like he just lost a hand in Spades. You can’t have LoserFace guy on your team and expect to win.
How they could: They’re the only team in the East that could beat the Cavs. (Seriously.)
6. Boston Celtics
Why they won’t win shit: Their best player is a midget, and their second best player is Dominican. Can’t win NBA titles with Dominicans and midgets in prominent positions.
How they could: If they played, I don’t know, stickball or something instead of basketball.
5. Toronto Raptors
Why they won’t win shit: They’re great in the regular season, but playoff basketball turns Kyle Lowry and Demar Derozan into mogwais in the shower after midnight.
How they could: If Drake put himself into a coma after listening to his own music, and they dedicated the season to him.
4. San Antonio Spurs
Why they won’t win shit: Tim Duncan isn’t walking through that door. And neither is 29-year-old Tony Parker and all the wives of his teammates that 29-year-old Tony Parker boned.
How they could: If Lamarcus Aldridge got traded for Kevin Love. Who then got traded for, I don’t know, a bunch of stock in Google or something. It’s pretty hopeless for the Spurs.
3. Los Angeles Clippers
Why they won’t win shit: Chris Paul is actually too good at basketball. Which is a problem for a six foot, ball-dominant, mega-Alpha guard. If he were somehow less good — and had less of a prominent role on the team — they’d be better.
How they could: Blake Griffin gets fed up with Steph and Klay getting all the lightskinndeded shine and goes Nino Brown on them. Which I guess would be ironic. Or a paradox. Or both.
2. Golden State Warriors
Why they won’t win shit: Kevin Durant is preternaturally destined to be second place. He was born in second place. Molded by second place. By the time he even realized there was a first place he was already a man.
How they could: Harrison Barnes was as useless as tits on a bull in the Finals, and they replaced him with Darth Second Place.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers
Why they won’t win shit: Possible championship hangover. Also, “possible championship hangover” is Swahili for “too many starters obsessed with White women.”
How they could: Lebron is still the NBA’s best player, and the Warriors still don’t have anyone to stop him or Kyrie in a seven game series.