30 Reasons Why Your Favorite Team Won’t Win An NBA Championship (…And 30 Ways They Can) » VSB

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30 Reasons Why Your Favorite Team Won’t Win An NBA Championship (…And 30 Ways They Can)

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The NBA regular season starts today, just a few months after the Golden State Warriors culminated their historic collapse by losing to the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals.

And, if you happened to forget how suddenly the Warriors went Peak Dumpster Fire and how Lebron and Kyrie did Steph and Klay and Dray like Negan is currently doing Rick, watch these clips again. Just, you know, to refresh your memory.

Anyway, with each new season comes new expectations and high hopes and shit. Unfortunately, only one team can win the championship. Because that’s how championships work. Only one team can win. If more than one team can win, it’s not a championship. It’s a brunch buffet. Below are reasons why each of the NBA’s 30 teams won’t win shit this year…and 30 ways they can.

In reverse order:

30. Brooklyn Nets

Why they won’t win shit: You can’t name more than three players on their team. Somehow, Brooklyn basketball managed to be even less relevant than Brooklyn hip-hop.

How they could: If the Kardashians invented a cloning machine, and created 400 Khloes to date and marry each of the players on every other team.

29. New Orleans Pelicans

Why they won’t win shit: Because Anthony Davis is made of candy corn. Plus, “Pelicans” is a stupid fucking name.

How they could: If each player was actually part pelican and learned how to fly.

28. The Los Angeles Lakers

Why they won’t win shit: Because the only thing worse than Laker fans are Kappas.

How they could: If they started a year-long campaign to spite Kobe, kinda like how the Cleveland Indians did with the owner in Major League. They could even post a cardboard cut out of him in the locker room. And throw 25 passes at his head after each victory. Because irony.

27. The Philadelphia 76ers

Why they won’t win shit: Philadelphia is a trash city with toxic hoagies and rats the size of newly skinny Rick Ross. They do have a nice Suitsupply store there, though.

How they could: They can’t.

26. Sacramento Kings

Why they won’t win shit: Because Boogie Cousins is the NBA equivalent of diarrhea emoji.

How they could: If the Cavs traded Lebron and Kyrie and Kevin Love to the Kings, and then Lebron and Kyrie and Kevin Love invite Boogie out to dinner. On a yacht. And he gets to the yacht, but there’s no one else there. And he tries to get off the yacht but it’s too late and he can’t swim so he’s stuck on this yacht headed to Antarctica.

25. Denver Nuggets

Why they won’t win shit: No one cares about anyone on their team. (Except, of course, their family members and shit, I assume.)

How they could: If the thin mountain air activates latent sickle cell traits in every Black player they play against.

24. Phoenix Suns

Why they won’t win shit: No one cares about anyone on their team. (Except, of course, the type of professional basketball bloggers who’ve never actually played basketball.) Devin Booker’s the shit, though.

How they could: If they measured championships in irreverent pieces published about them per month.

23. Orlando Magic:

Why they won’t win shit: Because their best player still hasn’t quite realized that his girlfriend is Keri Hilson and not Ciara.

How they could: If every NBA player aside from the Magic invited their families to Disney World on the same weekend. And Walt Disney also emerged from his cryogenic nap that weekend and shot all the Black people. 

22. New York Knicks

Why they won’t win shit: The best defense for the very public misdeeds of their starting point guard: “He’s not a rapist. Just the dumbest motherfucker who ever lived.

How they could: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

21. Milwaukee Bucks

Why they won’t win shit: Because the moment when Giannis Antetokounmpo takes over the league will never actually happen. He’s the Sam Worthington of NBA players.

How they could: If Basketball Fetch actually finally happens. (He won’t though, so it’s moot.)

20. Miami Heat

Why they won’t win shit: Because Pat Riley deserves for them to suck.

How they could: If KOD left Miami and started a franchise in every other NBA city.

19. Chicago Bulls

Why they won’t win shit: Because they constructed a roster that would have been great in 2008 despite the fact that it hasn’t been 2008 in eight years.

How they could: If the Jordan statue came to life. But with his head replaced by the Jordan cry face. And then joined the team, confusing and scaring the fuck out of everyone they played against.

18. Charlotte Hornets

Why they won’t win shit: Because who cares?

How they could: See above.

17. Washington Wizards

Why they won’t win shit: Their best player (John Wall) has the ball for 20 seconds each possession and can’t shoot. And their second best player (Bradley Beal) spends too much time in Ozio.

How they could: If they were literally wizards.

16. Atlanta Hawks

Why they won’t win shit: They’re basically a less talented and less lightskinneded version of the Spurs.

How they could: If Dwight Howard actually found Jesus instead of unopened condom wrappers in his couch cushions

15. Detroit Pistons

Why they won’t win shit: Ron Jeremy is their head coach and Bobby Shmurda is their starting point guard.

How they could: If they gave championships to the team with the most predicate felon season ticket holders.

14. Dallas Mavericks

Why they won’t win shit: Rick Carlisle is a genius, but you can only polish a turd (their roster) for but so long before you realize you’ve spent the last hour attempting to polish a piece of shit.

How they could: Maybe there’s diamonds embedded in the turd roster instead of peanuts.

13. Minnesota Timberwolves

Why they won’t win shit: Because Ricky Rubio is a poor man’s John Wall who people keep calling a poor man’s Pistol Pete just because he’s White and shaggy.

How they could: If Karl-Anthony Towns realizes his destiny sooner. Which is to be the guy — not Steph or Kevin Durant — to take Lebron’s place when Lebron is tired of being the best player in the league.

12. Utah Jazz

Why they won’t win shit: Too many White guys, still.

How they could: If #AllLivesMatter replaced Jerry West as the logo.

11. Houston Rockets

Why they won’t win shit: Too many good-looking women in Houston, which is never a good thing for NBA teams. Plus, their best player gives as many fucks about defense as Nate Parker does with advice.

How they could: If James Harden — who’s actually a legitimate threat to average 30 and 10 this year — uses chloroform instead of Jack Black to condition his beard.

10. Memphis Grizzles

Why they won’t win shit: Every NBA player will carry a vendetta against Mike Conley, a nice and decent little guard — the Jenna Fisher of NBA point guards — who’s somehow the highest paid NBA player ever.

How they could: If teams were still allowed to fight. And weren’t required to actually make shots.

9. Oklahoma City Thunder

Why they won’t win shit: I don’t give a fuck about any of this. I just need to see the first time they play the Warriors. And I need to see if Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant will greet each other. And I need to witness Westbrook attempt to shank him with a basketball.

How they could: See above.

8. Portland Trailblazers

Why they won’t win shit: I have nothing snarky to say about them. I like them a lot. They’re just not good enough.

How they could: I won’t even joke that they can. Because they can’t. At all.

7. Indiana Pacers

Why they won’t win shit: They have Jeff Teague on their team now. Who always looks like he just lost a hand in Spades. You can’t have LoserFace guy on your team and expect to win.

How they could: They’re the only team in the East that could beat the Cavs. (Seriously.)

6. Boston Celtics

Why they won’t win shit: Their best player is a midget, and their second best player is Dominican. Can’t win NBA titles with Dominicans and midgets in prominent positions.

How they could: If they played, I don’t know, stickball or something instead of basketball.

5. Toronto Raptors

Why they won’t win shit: They’re great in the regular season, but playoff basketball turns Kyle Lowry and Demar Derozan into mogwais in the shower after midnight.

How they could: If Drake put himself into a coma after listening to his own music, and they dedicated the season to him.

4. San Antonio Spurs

Why they won’t win shit: Tim Duncan isn’t walking through that door. And neither is 29-year-old Tony Parker and all the wives of his teammates that 29-year-old Tony Parker boned.

How they could: If Lamarcus Aldridge got traded for Kevin Love. Who then got traded for, I don’t know, a bunch of stock in Google or something. It’s pretty hopeless for the Spurs.

3. Los Angeles Clippers

Why they won’t win shit: Chris Paul is actually too good at basketball. Which is a problem for a six foot, ball-dominant, mega-Alpha guard. If he were somehow less good — and had less of a prominent role on the team — they’d be better.

How they could: Blake Griffin gets fed up with Steph and Klay getting all the lightskinndeded shine and goes Nino Brown on them. Which I guess would be ironic. Or a paradox. Or both.

2. Golden State Warriors

Why they won’t win shit: Kevin Durant is preternaturally destined to be second place. He was born in second place. Molded by second place. By the time he even realized there was a first place he was already a man.

How they could: Harrison Barnes was as useless as tits on a bull in the Finals, and they replaced him with Darth Second Place.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers

Why they won’t win shit: Possible championship hangover. Also, “possible championship hangover” is Swahili for “too many starters obsessed with White women.”

How they could: Lebron is still the NBA’s best player, and the Warriors still don’t have anyone to stop him or Kyrie in a seven game series.

 

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Question

    I know this a boy conversation n stuff, but I don’t understand NBA money right now. Its worse than the 2000 tech bubble and Uber’s valuation ($66B at last check) combined. Harrison Barnes? MAX contract?? $95M for 4 years??? I guess….

    • The NBA signed a bunch of lucrative TV deals, particularly in Europe and Asia. As a result, basketball related income, which determines what the salary cap is, jumped dramatically. Also, there’s a max contract rule, which means no one player can get paid more than a third of the salary cap. As a result, stars probably get paid less than they could get. Since the teams are required to spend a certain percentage of the salary cap, or every player in the league gets a check, the money has to be spent somewhere.

      • Damon Young

        good summary

        • You should get Todd to do a VSB Basketball column. I learned a lot from him today.

          • Kas

            Todd knows a lot about a lot. If his DM’s didn’t keep him so busy, he’d likely be running the world.

      • Question

        I didn’t realize they signed those big TV deals. Makes a lotta sense and sounds like as a result, salaries are becoming a bit more equitable within a team…

      • Val

        Are there exceptions? So, say a team wants to pay a player more than the max contract, what happens?

        • A team can go over the cap for their own player, but they can’t go over the max. Also, the league combs over language of contracts so no contract can be reasonably construed as violating the salary cap. The most famous example was Minnesota Timberwolves forward Joe Smith, who signed a contract that was designed to beat the cap. The NBA voided the contract and forced the Timberwolves to give up a first round draft pick.

          • Val

            There’s so much collusion and anti-competitiveness in pro sports.

            • Negro Libre

              It’s the same model in college, just worse. If they allowed Agents in college (which they should, banning Agents is like saying someone cannot have a lawyer in a civil case) is pretty much the only reason why Colleges get away with not paying students.

              If it wasn’t for all the collusion, LeBron would probably be underpaid getting a $100 million/year.

              • Val

                It is worse in college. I think all of that or at least a lot of it is about to end. And the NCAA is so arrogant that they don’t even see the writing on the wall.

            • The argument is that the stars can make money off the endorsements, while the middle of the road guys rely on their NBA salary. Also, remember, those middle of the road guys outnumber the stars in the union. The league is also afraid of a couple of agents cornering the market on stars (which is who the max contract rule is designed to screw over.)

              • Val

                I guess but it sounds like the waiter making tips scam allowing restaurants to underpay them.

              • And that is why I think the players made a big mistake agreeing to max contract rules. Why should the players protect the owners from themselves, especially when the owners stick up the public to get free money for their arenas. There is the argument about competitive balance but I think the argument that max contracts and salary caps destroy competitive balance is really more compelling. http://www.forbes.com/sites/jimpagels/2016/07/04/individual-max-contract-rules-destroy-any-semblance-of-nba-parity/#30eeec97f0e9

                • Kas

                  Baseball does just fine with no cap.

              • Question

                The more you type, the more I like this approach. More equitable. Let the stars make it up on the other end. And have these agents calm themselves down a bit…

            • Kas

              Yes. It’s a monopoly.

      • Conrad Bess

        Speaking of TV deals, read up on the Silna brothers. They have what is referred to the “Greatest Deal in the History of Sports” (and quite possibly in any industry).

        They owned an ABA team and wanted to own an NBA franchise. When the NBA/ABA merged, their team wasn’t included, so rather than take a buyout, they got a percentage of NBA broadcast revenue money “as long as the NBA or its successors exist”. These guys also included language in the deal that essentially covered future methods of broadcasting (i.e internet). They have made more than $300 mil off this deal so far. In order to get out, the 4 ABA teams reportedly have to pay $500 mil upfront, and the Silnas still keep a percentage of TV revenue from the league.

        Damn.

        • I saw that story. That was the sweetest hustle EVER.

    • Negro Libre

      NBA Players deserve it.

      It’s not the players’ salaries (the headline grabbing ones) but the team valuations. Plus unlike the NFL, the NBA has an international market, second only to the English Premiership. Not to mention there’s far less money to divy up in the NFL as opposed to the NBA.

  • Other_guy13

    So I have been forced to Boycott VSB….#blameDamon

    “Why they won’t win spit: Because the only thing worse than Laker fans are Kappas

    • Damon Young

      boycott deez

    • Tambra

      How long will this boycott be ? Until your school work eases? Cos we all know you will be slinking in the room at around 10 tonight when you think no one is on.

      • Kas

        Got em

      • Blueberry01

        Tam, you’re low key/high key savage…

      • Other_guy13

        It’s over…..I just needed to get some rest yesterday…..body near shut down.

        • Tambra

          Boy. I know what you mean. I have come to realise that the things I was able to do in undergrad I can not anymore. So no more up whole night working on my essays etc and getting to class for 8 and function as normal. But do not blame the body, we know you can’t stay away.

          • Other_guy13

            LOL…it’s a real struggle esp with the way my commute is set up and trying to get in the gym. I hope once I move in a few weeks things get better. I miss having a life

            • Tambra

              I was actually telling a gf that yesterday. I miss being able to socialise, I am doing some transcription now and I, at times ,do not go outside.

  • You’re so right about Derrick Rose. Still, he’s been dumb since he played at the University of Memphis. The thing is that the Knicks went through all that trauma and drama for a third option to play with Melo and KP. Really?

    I’m not buying that Pacers, though. I see what you’re thinking, and maybe Paul George goes Super Saiyan for a seven game series. The team with the greatest ability to beat the Cavs is the Bucks. Giannis Antetokoumpou is good, but somehow people forget that Jabari Parker is in the league. I know he was hurt early in his career, but he’s still a talent. Plus they’re scary long out there. They underachieved last year, and I’m buying them.

    Also, I’m buying the Jazz this year. Yeah, they might have too many White guys, but they remind me of the Celtics of the 80s, except more athletic. Plus Derrick Favors and Rudy Gobert are beasty in the post. On, and unlike the other bulked up team in the West (Memphis), they can actually score efficiently.

    • Damon Young

      the bucks dont have anyone who can actually make shots though

      • Michael Beasley, Steve Novak and Teletovic have enough outside shooting to make it work. I like their squad. Plus they lost Michael Carter-Williams, who is turning into Rudy Gay 2.0 somehow.

        • Negro Libre

          Bucks have better shooters than the Chicago Bulls, who have the best D I’ve seen on paper in a team in a long time. Granted their 3-pt shooting is one of the worse I’ve seen in a long time as well.

        • Damon Young

          “Michael Beasley, Steve Novak and Teletovic have enough outside shooting to make it work”

          stop trying to convince yourself that you believe this. you just named three guys who might not even be in the NBA in december

          • Teletovic is what the Trump presidential campaign would look like as a basketball player: goofy, mistake prone, looks like a release candidate…until they mess around and find a way to put up crazy numbers. I’ve watched him in Brooklyn the past few years. He makes threes consistently somehow.

          • Brandon Allen

            Teletovic is definitely an NBA player. The bucks will be scrappy the could sneak into the playoffs.

    • Conrad Bess

      Very few white guy jerseys I’d rock, but Gordon Hayward is one of them.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1ae9b8a802f51d5dcca007dbd171d38a18d09c3a303ada797c2a0c7c1017b5ee.gif

      The Bucks aren’t ready. They’re still Fawns. Keep sleeping on the Raps folks.

  • Val

    You can shade the dubs all you want, Daymoan, but you and I both know they’re going back to the finals this year. Last year is just going to make them stronger. Go dubs!

    And aren’t you supposed to be a Sixers fan?

    And how can you feel like you should win when your team is called the Pelicans? I mean all those animals running around the swamps and bayous and the best they could come up with are the Pelicans?

    http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Pelican-GIF-2.gif

    • Damon Young

      i’m just mad — and happy — you inserted a pelican gif in this comment

    • My understanding was Pelicans was the only team name they could easily get the copyright to. (It was used for a minor league baseball team before.) They wanted to go back to the Jazz, but the Utah Jazz decided to hold on to the name after they didn’t have a clue what else to name themselves.

      • Val

        The league should have forced the Utah team to give up Jazz. I mean, the Utah Jazz is an oxymoron.

        • I agree, but it’s all Utah has in terms of the Big 4 leagues. (They also have a MLS team that draws well. Blame the knock-on effects of sending half your states population overseas in young adulthood.)

        • Kylroy

          I like to think the Jazz keeping their name is why the NFL Houston expansion team was named the Texans. You can move that team to Las Vegas if you want, but you’ll by God have to change the name.

          • Val

            What are you saying, that the Raiders are going to change their name? If so I can’t see that happening.

            • Kylroy

              No, I’m saying if the Texans ever move anywhere, they’ll need to change their name.

              • Val

                Lol Well, if the leave Texas that’s a given.

              • miss t-lee

                They ain’t…lol

            • Don’t do this, Val!

              • Val

                Don’t do what? I said it wasn’t going to happen.

    • Pelicans sounds better as minor league baseball team. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myrtle_Beach_Pelicans

    • Brass Tacks

      Was this shot using a GoPro?

      • Val

        I think so.

  • Kylroy

    How did the Bucks make it as low as 21? They’ve teetered between “meh” and “dumpster fire” ever since Kareem changed his name…and you mean to tell me there’s nine teams worse?

    • Brass Tacks

      This made me laugh.

  • Amen

    It’s a good thing that the NBA has all these young up and coming players. That’s the only thing that’s going to get me through the circle jerk that’s going to be the media coverage of the Warriors this year. I cannot wait for them to lose in the Finals this year. I’m going to be watching the TWolves, Magic, Nuggets for Mudiay, Lakers, and of course my Spurs, and trying to avoid the Warriors until the playoffs.

  • “How they could: Lebron is still the NBA’s best player, and the Warriors still don’t have anyone to stop him or Kyrie in a seven game series.”

    I kind of want the Warriors to slowly implode trying to stop the Cavs again.

    • Val

      Why the hate, Wu?

      • Seeing them unravel was fun. Plus they’re kind of annoying and Cosby-ish. Between the media love fest and unchecked swaggering during the run-up to the finals they just flat got on my nerves. The whole Steph is an underdog story line didn’t help either. Sadly, I like Steph and Groot as individuals but as a team I can’t do it.

        • Val

          The Warriors aren’t responsible for the narrative, the media is. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. :-)

          • JusticeNotServed

            it’s okay to hate Draymond Green though

          • They aren’t but it was still gag worthy. By the time wives and parents starting chiming in I was done.

            • Val

              Yeah, it got to be a bit much but still that was the media.

            • mr. steal your costco samples

              AYESHA TRAPPED ON THE BUS. lmaoooooo

              but really, their stunting is really the worst. If they don’t win 75 games and a ring they will get clowned, but it’s their own dang fault for over stunting

      • Brass Tacks

        Cause they’re blander than a bag of Classic Lays potato chips.

  • Johanne Sterling

    The hate for Philadelphia is strong in this one.

    • I’m not sure how good they’ll be, but they’ll be fun to watch, particularly one Ben Simmons heals up.

      • Negro Libre

        They’re gonna have to dump Okafor somewhere.

        I’ve never seen a team with so many talented bigs that are likely to amount to nothing if they don’t leave.

        • Honestly, a D’Angelo Collins-Okafor swap makes perfect sense. It’s just a matter of when it’s going to happen.

    • JusticeNotServed

      how about them Eagles though?!?

      • Val

        As long as the Eagles still have that racist azz wide receiver on the team I can’t root for them no matter who they play. Not even if they’re playing Washington.

        • JusticeNotServed

          racist riley was released in february

          • Val

            Serious? Okay then I got bad info from ESPN. Good. Who does he play for now?

            • JusticeNotServed

              he is currently bagging groceries at your local trader joes lol. i’m pretty sure he is an unsigned free agent.

        • Kylroy

          He’s gone, so you’re now free to hate the Eagles for their racist and violent fans.

  • miss t-lee
    • Val

      I heard Mr Low Affect doesn’t know what to do with himself these days. Lol

      • Negro Libre

        He had a long summer, don’t really blame him.

        Divorced his wife after finding out she was getting some side D
        Found out he got cheated out of $20 million
        Got kicked out of the NBA Playoffs mad early

        • Val

          Cheated out of 20 million? Wow.

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            that happened a while ago too IIRC

            timmy’s a simp for real

        • miss t-lee

          Actually the thing with his wife happened a long time ago.

          • Negro Libre

            Yeah you’re right.

            My bad.

            • miss t-lee

              *daps*

          • Blueberry01

            Still hurts the same, I’m sure.

            • miss t-lee

              True.

      • miss t-lee

        Wait…who? You talking about Timmy?

      • RaeNBow

        there was a time when i’d have helped him find something to do…. but alas, i aint living that life no more lol

    • Question

      I love Pop!

      • miss t-lee

        Me too! :)

    • brothaskeeper

      Tee, you know I was the weirdest kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, because I was the only Spurs fan in the entire state of SC. The Admiral was/is my all-time favorite player. I could never come around to the Hawks, and I even rejected Charlotte when the league expanded. While everyone was riding the bandwagons of the Bulls, Pistons, Lakers, and Knicks, there I was in my silver and black #50 jersey getting ridiculed.

      • miss t-lee

        *daps* you good money man.
        I know they gave you the biz.
        I’m sure the Admiral would appreciate you holding down SC.

        • brothaskeeper

          Held it down like gravity. Even through the 20-win season.

          • miss t-lee

            Those were some *rough* years mayne! Whew.

            • brothaskeeper

              You gotta lose so you can win.

      • I liked the Celts when I was a real little kid and the Sonics as a kid. After that I just watched players. I basically follow LeBron and the Spurs now.

    • Blueberry01

      Pop is low key savage…

      • ???

        • Blueberry01

          Not you, Pop.? (Even though I wouldn’t put it passed you. You don’t fool me with that fedora, sir. I know you were putting in work back in the day.)

          Your other namesake : Gregg Popovich.

      • miss t-lee

        Lowkey?! ???

    • Conrad Bess

      That was a “Didn’t I tell you to take the chicken out the freezer before you go to school so it defrost by the time I got home to cook it” butt whuppin they laid on G.State. Wow.

      • miss t-lee

        I was so proud. I feel asleep, but saw the highlights this norning. Beautiful.

  • JusticeNotServed

    **5. Toronto Raptors
    Why they won’t win spit: Toronto sports teams are content with making lots of money, and making the playoffs is enough to keep butts in the seats and jerseys flying off the shelves.
    How they could: Move the team out of Toronto**

    There, fixed that for ya

    • Well, when your two indoor teams are owned by a teacher’s pension fund, the money is more important then the championships. If the choice is either winning a chip or making sure some old teacher gets their monthly check, which one you think is going to win?

      • JusticeNotServed

        as usual, you speak truth

      • Conrad Bess

        Actually, my employer and its telecom competitor each own 37.5% now, and LArry Tannenbaum owns the other 25%. They want to win, especially on the basketball side because one of the CEOs used to play university ball (he’s 6’8).

    • Val

      Do players want to even play there considering the higher taxes?

      • JusticeNotServed

        depends on the individual. i remember when Toronto got a team in 96 big name players were hesitant to play here but i think Vince Carter changed all of that. Kevin Durant even said he wanted to play here while he was growing up because his fav player at the time was Vince.

      • Conrad Bess

        It really was a lot of ignorance going on about the taxes.

        http://crowesoberman.com/quarterly-infocus/dishing-dimes-and-not-turning-over-too-much-in-taxes/

        That link uses Kyle Lowry as an example of the tax differential. Admittedly, no tax states have no competition, but it’s a great explaination. Plus Jason Whitlock called us “White Vegas”, so there’s no reason not to come.

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