2017 Has Basically Been The Empire Strikes Back (With MAGA And Mayonnaise), But Here’s Some Shit To Look Forward To » VSB

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2017 Has Basically Been The Empire Strikes Back (With MAGA And Mayonnaise), But Here’s Some Shit To Look Forward To

NBC screenshot

 

Apparently unsatisfied with the 500-year-long winning streak White America is on, God decided to allow king-sized pack of Spearmint Chewing Gum with sentience Tom Brady and Darth Belichick (and their bottomless supply of impressive and indistinguishable “first picks in a Stormfront fantasy football league”-ass wide receivers) to pull a Super Bowl victory out of their asses, beating a Falcons team that no one outside of Atlanta gave a fuck about until Black America collectively adopted them like 72 hours ago.

You could argue that this streak is God’s punishment to Black people for inventing the Kappas. Personally, I think it’s just a big-ass propaganda plan by the big homie Yahweh so that White people become convinced God is White, die (of natural causes, of course), and then die again from shock after walking through the pearly gates and seeing that He looks exactly like Rasheed Wallace.

Anyway, although the landscape may seem dark and cloudy, clearer skies are near, as there are quite a few sure victories this year that we can look forward to, including…

1. The NBA playoffs

While the NFL continues to exist as an six-month-long MAGA infomercial, where you can’t wipe your ass without running into American flag bukkake (ht Huny) or unabashed Trump supporters or how the game turns the brains of its players into fried eggs and bologna hash or how one simple protest by one increasingly irrelevant player disrupted and upset NFL culture so much that the entire league lost ratings because of it, the NBA exists as its admittedly imperfect but exponentially more progressive counterpart, where the (predominately Black) players actually have a voice and the celebration of diversity and inclusion isn’t just a focus-grouped pr stunt but is infused in its culture.

I mean, whether you agree with his methods or not, can you imagine an NFL player basically pulling his dick out and waving it at the team’s general manager and owner the way Lebron did last month? Or an NFL coach (White or Black) being as outspoken against Trump and racism and White privilege as Gregg Popovich

It always intrigues me when people come out with, “I’m tired of talking about that” or “Do we have to talk about race again?” And the answer is you’re damned right we do. Because it’s always there, and it’s systemic in the sense that when you talk about opportunity it’s not about “Well, if you lace up your shoes and you work hard, then you can have the American dream.” That’s a bunch of hogwash. If you were born white, you automatically have a monstrous advantage educationally, economically, culturally in this society and all the systemic roadblocks that exist, whether it’s in a judicial sense, a neighborhood sense with laws, zoning, education, we have huge problems in that regard that are very complicated, but take leadership, time, and real concern to try to solve.”

“We have a president of the United States who spent four or five years disparaging and trying to [delegitimize] our president. And we know that was a big fake. But still, [he] felt for some reason it had to be done. I can still remember a paraphrase close to a quote ‘investigators were sent to Hawaii and you cannot believe what they found.’ Well, that was a lie. So if it’s being discussed and perpetrated at that level, you’ve got a national problem.”

and Steve Kerr

“I would just say that as someone whose family member was a victim of terrorism, having lost my father, if we’re trying to combat terrorism by banishing people from coming to this country, (it’s) really going against what the principles of what our country’s about and creating fear. It’s the wrong way to go about it. If anything, we could be breeding anger and terror and so I’m completely against what’s happening. I think it’s shocking. Horrible idea, and I feel for all the people who are affected, families are being torn apart. I worry in the big picture to what it means to the security of the world. It’s going about it completely opposite. You wanna solve terror, you wanna solve crime, it’s just not the way to do it.”

…have been?

Also, while I’m sure Trump has already texted Brady and Belichick about the Patriots’ upcoming White House visit — in fact, that might be literally the only thing he’s done all day — I wouldn’t be surprised if whoever wins the NBA championship just says “fuck it” and boycotts that bitch.

2. The Oscars

Although I wouldn’t put it past the Academy to continue their infatuation with La La Land and allow them to sweep each of the awards, 2017 is poised to be the Blackest Oscars Ever. And you know the entire night is going to be a prolonged subtweet of Darth Cheeto. And you know this is gonna piss him off so much that he’ll tweet “Movies are overrated! Sad! Silent pictures are better!” and he might not even allow Melania to make any collect calls home.

3. Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer

I know we’re supposed to be more discerning with cookout invites now, but Melissa McCarthy has at least earned a lifetime invite to my game nights and spades parties.

4. The ongoing debate about whether Darth Cheeto knows more words or Black people

We know he knows somewhere between 10 to 15 different words. We also know he knows like six Black people. So I guess the question is are there seven or eight Black people out there that he secretly knows? If not, the clear answer is words. He knows a little bit more words than he does Black people. (Unless, of course, you count n-words. Which…my head just exploded.)

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    those beige-azz Warriors better fkn boycott!

    (and yes, that’s an admission that I expect them to ace the Cavs in June)

    • BrothasKeeper

      You don’t have to worry about any of that, because my Spurs will collect their 6th ‘chip, Dolt 45 will call Pop to congratulate him, and then Pop will troll him like a sideline reporter.

      • MsSula

        As you were. We will just leave this outchea.

        • BrothasKeeper

          We need this to happen.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    I’ve watch Melissa McCarthy’s impersonation of Sean Spicer like 6 times and it’s still funny as F**k.

    I’m also still recovering from that stupid Super Bowl yesterday…it gave me “election night” vibes

  • Michelle

    Well, lemme just say something that I had told a white co-worker of mine: Slavery ended less than 170 years ago. I know too many of ya. And y’all are vengeful, passive-aggressive and petty-as-h*ll. So what makes you think that y’all were going to let bygones be bygones, when it came to Black people in this country?

    • Glo

      Slavery kinda sorta ended 170 years ago…but Mississippi didn’t officially abolish slavery until 2013.

      • Val

        And Black folks in Texas didn’t find out about Emancipation until 2 years after the fact.

        • Nametaken

          Don’t forget about prison labor either.

          • “M”

            Thank you. People forget this so often – it’s why I am SO nervous about Billionaire Bitsy DeVos – she wants to repeal the Child Labor Laws even though she doesn’t know anything.

            And the Rethuglicans are already ready to trash the entire DOE – some redneck from Yertle’s home state of KY put a bill up for consideration already this morning.

        • PinkRose

          And the ACT like it too in 2017, the most passive negroes I’ve EVER seen!

        • That makes sense considering the C.S.A still held that territory. Jacked-up yes but it makes sense.

        • June-fricken-teenth

    • Bah Debo

      Don’t forget good ole Jim Crow…

  • Jennifer

    I really hope the Oscar voting deadline has passed. They are trying to counter a potential defeat for that ordinary AF musical

    oof this is a messy headline. "Deprive" connotes entitlement&it feels coded:"Will silly minorities keep our white mediocrity from winning?" pic.twitter.com/Ae3JCs0sfu— @PiaGlenn (@PiaGlenn) February 6, 2017

    • Courtney Wheeler

      I cannot express enough how I could give a crap about LaLa Land…

      • Jennifer

        I’m just tired of these participation award justifications I keep getting for why I should love the movie:

        *Emma and Ryan couldn’t dance, but they learned 7 steps which they repeat throughout the movie
        *Emma and Ryan can’t really sing, but real singers would take away from the “realness” of the film
        *Ryan learned how to play one song on the piano — of course he was paid to spend hours a day for a like a month to do it, but whatever.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          It’s a tired premise and If I have to watch another movie with Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling I might scream

          • BrothasKeeper

            I’m tempted to take one for the team, view this drivel, and report back to y’all, but the more I hear wypipo sing its praises, the less I even wanna hear about it.

          • Cheech

            You mean you’re tired of crazy stupid love having its seventy-eleventh million rerun on weekend cable?

        • It was amusing. White people act like its the greatest thing that’s ever existed. It’s a musical with zero memorable songs!

      • Janelle Doe

        couldn’t care less?
        (me either)

    • Negro Libre

      Eh, is this gonna be a thing every year now?

      • Val

        Equality?

        • Negro Libre

          No.

          Assigning greater meaning to award ceremonies for films than they actually deserve?

          • Val

            I think they’ve declined in importance because of the lack of diversity overall. But, they still have some importance since recognition for a film of a particular genre can mean more films of that genre. And wins by actors/ directors etc, can mean they get more work.

            • Negro Libre

              I think that’s under the assumption that the Oscars somehow have an effect on the movie business, yet most of the movies that win, even the good movies that we’re hoping win, starring black actors and actresses, for the most part aren’t seen by lots of people and don’t gross that much money.

              Edward Jay Epstein addresses what the Oscars for the most part mean, in the context of the business:

              The Oscars have less and less to do with Hollywood every year, and that’s been going on for the last decade. It’s more like the Independent Spirit Awards—the movies being nominated aren’t the studios’ movies, because you can’t nominate Harry Potter or a comic book sequel except for best effects or makeup, which doesn’t matter. The Oscars are not what Hollywood does, the Oscars are what Hollywood pretends it does. Back in 1950, Hollywood really did make those movies, movies for adults, those based on books.

              Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is a perfect example: the book is doing fantastically, but the movie will make no money whatsoever. It’s good for the book industry, good for the authors, good for the directors and actors, but it has nothing to do with the business of Hollywood. Harvey Weinstein could win five awards, and next week his company could go bankrupt, because there’s no connection between the money flow and the honors.

              So Hollywood releases Extremely Loud in October with minimum audiences—the major audiences are in the summer, that’s where you get your $100 million opening weekends. If you bring out a Batman or a Spiderman or a Harry Potter, there’s enormous audience awareness. But if you bring out a movie like Ides of March, it isn’t a sequel and you won’t have the audience to open it on thousands of screens. As theaters move toward digital distribution, which will allow movies to open on as many as 30,000 screens at a fraction of the cost, it means studios will move even further toward comic books and sequels.

              • Val

                Once again, I’m not sure if we are disagreeing. Like I said, they have declined in importance. But, they can still bring lots of recognition to actors/ filmmakers, etc.

                • Negro Libre

                  I think where we disagree is that I still think they do bring recognition to the actors and the filmmakers, it’s just that it has little to anything to do with the business of Hollywood or how studios make their decisions, on what films to make and who they choose to cast.

                  I think you can make the awarding of movies more diverse and perhaps even make actors and actresses alike more recognition, but I don’t see it having much effect on the opportunities they get, because to the people signing the checks they are far less important than they used to be.

    • Cleojonz

      My co-worker saw La La land (white) she didn’t like it. She said it was just kind of meh, lacked a bit of soul for her.

      What bothers me about this lovefest with La La land, and I think I mentioned this here before on another thread, is the idea that it is progressive because it’s a music. There was a time in movie history that ALL movies were musical. This is almost like a step backwards and I actually happen to really love musicals.

      • chazb

        And the performers back then were genuine triple threats,acting singing and dancing.

        • Cleojonz

          Exactly. There are not that many movies actors that can claim that they can do all three very well. Hugh Jackman comes to mind.

  • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

    Which black people are nominated other than Ava for the Oscars??

    • Jennifer

      Naomie Harris, Viola Davis, Denzel Washington, Ruth Negga, Octavia Spencer, Taraji P., 13th, I am Not Your Negro, People vs. OJ Simpson, the editor for Moonlight, Bradley Young for Arrival…who I am forgetting?

      • cyanic

        Mahershala Ali and Octavia Spencer. Barry Jenkins and the playwright of Moonlight.

        • Jennifer

          Oh! And, August Wilson.

        • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

          Damn. My bae nominated?

          • cyanic

            For Moonlight in Best Supporting Actor.

          • Blueberry01

            He’s my bae!

            • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

              You can have him.

        • Blueberry01

          I love me some “I Can’t Pronounce His Name” ?

      • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

        I want V Davis to win. She deserves it. Not even for that particular role, but for all others that pre date this one and future roles

        • cyanic

          I think Fences is her best nominated work.

          • Janelle Doe

            Doubt was good. I still feel she was robbed for Doubt

            • cyanic

              Davis was a packaged deal with Streep. She wouldn’t of won without her. Coldblooded enough she would lose to Streep.

          • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

            She has been phenomenal in each piece, in my opinion. She gives it her all. or perhaps it’s bias doing the talking.

        • BrothasKeeper

          Even Madea Goes to Jail?

          • Negro Libre

            I was gonna bring up Suicide Squad…

            • BrothasKeeper

              Ouch!

              • Negro Libre

                I had such high expectations…

                DC just can’t get it right with real people.

    • miss t-lee

      You been sleep, eh?

      • Hiding My ?hide yours 2

        I ain’t gon lie, yes.

    • Janelle Doe

      Ava got a nod? for what? 13th?
      hmm, I guess I better go do some googling

  • HouseOfBonnets

    “You could argue that this streak is God’s punishment to Black people for inventing the Kappas.”

    *Cackling* https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/555600400609b0a99e3e3f20e86d84fe7e3128d98e9b8f18f57d71d68a1e3680.gif

    • Jennifer

      His ‘do gives this gif wings.

    • Courtney Wheeler

      It’s been awhile since he’s shaded the Kappas…

      • Tam

        But we knew it was coming

  • Val

    The majority of Academy voters are old White men who rarely step outside of their comfort zone. And their comfort zone is any film or performance that harkens back to their good old days. That means La La Land is going to win a lot of awards.

    Viola and Denzel may win because their roles where in a film that took place back when those old White men were still kings of the universe. Otherwise, I don;t hold much hope.

    • cyanic

      Viola is a lock in her category and Ali is a favorite of his. Washington is not set in stone and Negga is just happy to be nominated. Moonlight will win Adapted Screenplay but should be winning Cinematography, Score, Director, and Best Picture.

      • Val

        No Black actor is ever a lock where the Academy Awards are concerned.

        • Janelle Doe

          tell him Val.
          *and can I just say how thankful I am that Jennifer Lawrence did not have any movies this year.

          • cyanic

            She did. It received two tech nods.

            • Janelle Doe

              argh!!!
              *sigh

              • Kylroy

                Well, *it*, not *her*.

            • BrothasKeeper

              Oh yeah, that Passengers crap.

            • Blueberry01

              Of course.

        • cyanic

          For lead acting categories you are correct. But supporting we’re kings and queens.

        • “M”

          I know that’s right.

          Vi can take her SAG-AFTRA Award home – and all the validation – from her peers, though.

      • Cleojonz

        Cinematography for sure. It was so beautifully filmed. Some period piece – more than likely La La land, will win instead.

      • Blueberry01

        Cinematography for sure.

        I don’t think the Academy got down with Goodie Mob like that.

        • cyanic

          Jenkins spoke they didn’t use powder on the actors for the makeup only oils.

          • Blueberry01

            ???

            • cyanic

              The skin tones is a big deal when making movies with darker skin persons. So powder in makeup traditionally used for white productions are responsible for why we’re not always looking our best. But in reality black people lotion down use oils and cream on our faces to shine pretty. And that’s what he mandated for Moonlight.

              • Blueberry01

                Ohhhhh…you were referencing the cinematography. I thought that your comment pertained to the Goodie Mob reference that I made.

                As for the powder, yes I agree. Historically, they’ve used powder with a white tint on brown skin – which does not compliment our skin tone at all. Kick that ashy look to the curb.

                Now, as a chocolate lady, we typically don’t like to have shiny faces; so, now we use translucent powder, instead.)

    • Furious Styles

      No White Savior in Fences. So an Oscar win is possible but not probable IMHO.

      • miss t-lee

        You see it?! The jig!

      • So we know Black Panther will get no burn.

        • Furious Styles

          Man, remember how some of them lost their isht over Luke Cage? But I’m here for both the show and their fragility.

      • Monica Harris

        https://news.vice.com/story/oscar-nominated-hidden-figures-was-whitewashed-but-it-didnt-have-to-be
        But actually, there was. One of the reasons I didn’t love the movie.

        • Furious Styles

          Your link referred to “Hidden Figures”. That movie did manufacture a White Savior. It’s possible that Hidden Fences has one, too.

          • Monica Harris

            In my haste to knock “Hidden Figures” down a peg, I knocked myself down too. Reading is fundamental.

    • Denzel is a multiple Oscar winner. At this point, so long as he has a great film, they’re going to give him a chance. Moonlight will get some love because of the gay angle, but less than it deserves. I get the gut feeling Hidden Figures is going to be the odd film out, particularly because it shows White women in a less than favorable light.

      • PinkRose

        I think more because it confirms that without BW, there would have been no space race. White people dont like being seen as dumber than Black folks, especially BW.

        And I’m STILL processing this movie……..?

        • “M”

          You know, I went with my mom and aunties and niecies – we had girls night – and my mom leaned over and was like “The wypipo don’t look happy.”

          I have to confess that *I* was so happy and uplifted I honestly hadn’t even noticed. (and I do behavioral stuff for a living; I guess we’re all a little worn down on our game lately).

  • Glo

    Melissa McCarthy is a treasure. When she brought out the visuals, I cried.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/26xBxtlfApHtHygLu/giphy.gif

    • miss t-lee

      The moose and the lambs…lol

      • BrothasKeeper

        When she picked up the whole podium, though ???????????????????

        • Janelle Doe

          I was not ready.
          I was still processing the gum and the mooselambs

          • fedup

            That gum bit was hy larious.

            When I first heard he chewed gum like that, I got sad because I also chew gum to get me through my work day. But swallowing it? Now that’s just crazy.

        • miss t-lee

          I was crying.

      • Jaris Cole

        That was the line that took me out lol

        • miss t-lee

          ???

      • “M”

        I screamed.

    • Janelle Doe

      hahaha – will not get old

      I can’t wait to watch what other gems flow from her as the year progresses.

    • PinkRose

      Loves her, The Heat was very funny!!!

      • Cleojonz

        The Heat was surprisingly very entertaining. I saw the Boss recently. I would have been mad if I’d paid money to see it in the theater but she was funny as always. You can always tell when its a scene where they just set the scene for her and let her just go with the dialogue. She’s so good at that.

  • miss t-lee

    I loved Pops’ speech. he’s been kinda showing out for some time now. As always #GoSpursGo
    I think you might be right about La La Land. I hope not though.
    But, I kinda peeped game during the Golden Globes.

  • Mr. Mooggyy

    “…convinced God is White, die (of natural causes, of course), and then die again from shock after walking through the pearly gates and seeing that He looks exactly like Rasheed Wallace.”

    Eye Laughed at this probably too hard!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/24ba7ee5d25ed68d1361194fa8f5e3b243b1fca4e8c930abccd7c6ed99f9b21a.jpg

    • BrothasKeeper

      As you enter through the gates, he gives you a hard foul.

    • miss t-lee

      I know I did.

    • cyanic

      He looks like Uncle Denzel.

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        After a blunt!

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