2017 Has Basically Been The Empire Strikes Back (With MAGA And Mayonnaise), But Here’s Some Shit To Look Forward To
Apparently unsatisfied with the 500-year-long winning streak White America is on, God decided to allow king-sized pack of Spearmint Chewing Gum with sentience Tom Brady and Darth Belichick (and their bottomless supply of impressive and indistinguishable “first picks in a Stormfront fantasy football league”-ass wide receivers) to pull a Super Bowl victory out of their asses, beating a Falcons team that no one outside of Atlanta gave a fuck about until Black America collectively adopted them like 72 hours ago.
You could argue that this streak is God’s punishment to Black people for inventing the Kappas. Personally, I think it’s just a big-ass propaganda plan by the big homie Yahweh so that White people become convinced God is White, die (of natural causes, of course), and then die again from shock after walking through the pearly gates and seeing that He looks exactly like Rasheed Wallace.
Anyway, although the landscape may seem dark and cloudy, clearer skies are near, as there are quite a few sure victories this year that we can look forward to, including…
1. The NBA playoffs
While the NFL continues to exist as an six-month-long MAGA infomercial, where you can’t wipe your ass without running into American flag bukkake (ht Huny) or unabashed Trump supporters or how the game turns the brains of its players into fried eggs and bologna hash or how one simple protest by one increasingly irrelevant player disrupted and upset NFL culture so much that the entire league lost ratings because of it, the NBA exists as its admittedly imperfect but exponentially more progressive counterpart, where the (predominately Black) players actually have a voice and the celebration of diversity and inclusion isn’t just a focus-grouped pr stunt but is infused in its culture.
I mean, whether you agree with his methods or not, can you imagine an NFL player basically pulling his dick out and waving it at the team’s general manager and owner the way Lebron did last month? Or an NFL coach (White or Black) being as outspoken against Trump and racism and White privilege as Gregg Popovich…
“It always intrigues me when people come out with, “I’m tired of talking about that” or “Do we have to talk about race again?” And the answer is you’re damned right we do. Because it’s always there, and it’s systemic in the sense that when you talk about opportunity it’s not about “Well, if you lace up your shoes and you work hard, then you can have the American dream.” That’s a bunch of hogwash. If you were born white, you automatically have a monstrous advantage educationally, economically, culturally in this society and all the systemic roadblocks that exist, whether it’s in a judicial sense, a neighborhood sense with laws, zoning, education, we have huge problems in that regard that are very complicated, but take leadership, time, and real concern to try to solve.”
“We have a president of the United States who spent four or five years disparaging and trying to [delegitimize] our president. And we know that was a big fake. But still, [he] felt for some reason it had to be done. I can still remember a paraphrase close to a quote ‘investigators were sent to Hawaii and you cannot believe what they found.’ Well, that was a lie. So if it’s being discussed and perpetrated at that level, you’ve got a national problem.”
…and Steve Kerr…
“I would just say that as someone whose family member was a victim of terrorism, having lost my father, if we’re trying to combat terrorism by banishing people from coming to this country, (it’s) really going against what the principles of what our country’s about and creating fear. It’s the wrong way to go about it. If anything, we could be breeding anger and terror and so I’m completely against what’s happening. I think it’s shocking. Horrible idea, and I feel for all the people who are affected, families are being torn apart. I worry in the big picture to what it means to the security of the world. It’s going about it completely opposite. You wanna solve terror, you wanna solve crime, it’s just not the way to do it.”
Also, while I’m sure Trump has already texted Brady and Belichick about the Patriots’ upcoming White House visit — in fact, that might be literally the only thing he’s done all day — I wouldn’t be surprised if whoever wins the NBA championship just says “fuck it” and boycotts that bitch.
2. The Oscars
Although I wouldn’t put it past the Academy to continue their infatuation with La La Land and allow them to sweep each of the awards, 2017 is poised to be the Blackest Oscars Ever. And you know the entire night is going to be a prolonged subtweet of Darth Cheeto. And you know this is gonna piss him off so much that he’ll tweet “Movies are overrated! Sad! Silent pictures are better!” and he might not even allow Melania to make any collect calls home.
3. Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer
I know we’re supposed to be more discerning with cookout invites now, but Melissa McCarthy has at least earned a lifetime invite to my game nights and spades parties.
4. The ongoing debate about whether Darth Cheeto knows more words or Black people
We know he knows somewhere between 10 to 15 different words. We also know he knows like six Black people. So I guess the question is are there seven or eight Black people out there that he secretly knows? If not, the clear answer is words. He knows a little bit more words than he does Black people. (Unless, of course, you count n-words. Which…my head just exploded.)