20 Things “You Ain’t Gon’ Do” In A Black Household » VSB

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20 Things “You Ain’t Gon’ Do” In A Black Household

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1. Put your feet up on my couch, Kellyanne Conway

2. Curse at me or mines

3. Run the AC and leave the door open running up my light bill when you didn’t put in on this

4. Talk shit about me in my house while I’m there even if I can’t hear you

5. Play with my money

6. Disrespect me to my face in my house

7. Go in my fridge without asking and eat up my grapes or drink my fruit juices

8. Touch my remote control, especially if you don’t know the proper order in which to turn on the television or how to switch inputs, fucking up my surround sound execution

9. Talk shit about any of the following people: My momma, Jesus, MLK, My momma, Michelle Obama, Barack and Michelle Obama (as one unified untouchable) in that order

10. Tell me I can’t talk shit about Bill Cosby, Al Sharpton, or any other nigga I feel like talking shit about. This my house.

11. Eat up all the hogmaws, all the pigs feet, all the neckbones. And if I have any, hummus. Don’t eat my hummus. (I don’t like hummus, but it’s my hummus. What you not gon’ do is eat my hummus.)

12. Drink up my fine brown liquors ESPECIALLY if you didn’t put in on this shit UNLESS one of the homies died in which case we will ration out the fine brown liquor in proportion to how well each of you niggas knew the deceased. We will not be pouring out none of my fine brown liquors for the dead homey; we will buy bottles of cheap brown liquors to pour out for the dead homies and what you ‘pacifically not gon’ do is make any executive decisions involving my fine brown liquors without my okay. Also, my fine brown liquors include Hennessey (especially Henny with initials after it) and any other liquor that is brown in my cabinet if I have deemed it fine whether or not you think its fine. Nigga.

13. Drink up my fine white liquors. If fact, what you not gon’ do is touch my liquors. Including my Ripple.

14. Talk shit about my sports teams, weave technician or engineer, or hobbies and call them white shit

15. Bring no white shit up in my house

16. Tell me my perfectly sound and logical conspiracy theories are bullshit

17. Walk in my house without wiping your feet on the rug

18. Sit on the cloth part of my couch if there is plastic. If you see plastic use the plastic

19. Touch my vinyl

20. Make breakfast with turkey bacon and not inform me that you have decided that turkey bacon is a thing

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • I’m #TeamSwine all day but I’m here to spread the gospel about Ed Hipp’s Smoked Sliced Turkey Bacon and affiliated product line. If you gonna decide turkey bacon is a thing, best to decide on the finest of bacon imposter turkeys.

    • Janelle Doe

      Turkey bacon may be a gateway to Tofu Turkey Sawyer

      • lol I would NEVER disrespect pork like that!

        Sometimes you just need your lean proteins…

        • Janelle Doe

          Haha. Maybe, I guess
          *she said unconvincingly and then shrugged

    • LeeLee

      I’m down to try. Where can you buy it? Is it at regular markets or specialty (Whole Foods, Trader Joes, etc)

      • I get it from my local Acme. Looks like it’s a Delaware Valley brand as of now: http://edhippfoodsinc.com/where-to-buy/

        I forget if that’s accessible to you or not, but it’s def worth a trip or having a friend ship it if you REALLY turkey bacon. It is actually pretty delicious all things considered.

        • grownandsexy2

          Fresh Grocer and Shoprite carry it too.

          • Yessss! I have to look for the wood smoked variety, that sounds so good.

    • Hammster

      Looks like the only places you can buy this are all up North. I guess I won’t be trying this anytime soon.

      • Aw, sorry :( If you’re a turkey bacon aficionado it really is worth looking into getting it shipped or something.

    • kingpinenut

      No

      • lol I hear you but lean protein, man.

        • kingpinenut

          Let my mind stay out the guttah

    • B-Dot Willz

      Make time for swine. Put some pork on that fork! But really turkey is for thanksgiving and to be used in conjunction with ham in sandwiches. .

      • I hear you! I love swine! I just have to switch it up sometimes lol.

    • Bah Debo

      I keep telling y’all…..getchu some goodass turkey bacon and it will change yo life!!!

      • Agreed. There’s no substitute for the real thing but it’s in its own delicious category.

  • Professor

    21. Tell me your Madden or 2K rules like I care. I’m the home team my house my rules.

    • panamajackson

      This also applies to Spades.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        And Phase 10 or Uno (for the folks who don’t know who to play Spades)

        • Jennifer

          And, Taboo. We’re not playing any bi- or trilingual versions. English only in my house.

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            HA!

      • Wizznilliam

        The white guys at my job play spades at lunch… I only thought about joining them for about 2 seconds. I’m sure that I don’t even know the documented rules of spades. Everybody in the hood got their own house rules. Same for monopoly…

      • malaentuvida

        even if home team cheats? blatantly?

    • Courtney Wheeler

      Also if you’re a button masher while playing Street Fighter in my house well then you need to leave immediately

      • Professor

        OHHHHHHHH and playing zone defense in 2K is strictly prohibited. man dafuc up

        • Courtney Wheeler

          I agree with you sir.

      • Blargg

        Also you’re getting stuck with the cheap a s s controller that doesn’t work right.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          An appropriate response for someone fighting game-lameness

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Don’t do us, we learning……. I also may or may not use this as an excuse for cheap shots in the game ????

  • Janelle Doe

    I can’t with turkey bacon. I just can’t

    • Wizznilliam

      Why can’t they just call it turkey slices??? It ain’t bacon.

      • Janelle Doe

        Right?

  • Professor

    22. Tell me whe to “roll up” mine

  • Brooklyn_Bruin
    • panamajackson

      #distewmuch

      #everythingaboutthispictureisdistewmuch

      • Wizznilliam

        LOL.. 54% of Daily Sodium intake… Way tew much!

        • Jennifer

          Honey, it’s ham.

          • Wizznilliam

            Does ham really have that much salt?? I guess never looked at the label on ham before. No wonder we have so much high blood pressure.

            • Jennifer

              Salt for DAYS!

    • LeeLee

      This can’t be DC :(

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Catch your boy at Giant

        • Jennifer

          Whoa! But, Giant in what neighborhood?

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            Congress Heights

    • Pillows McGee

      biscuit????

    • This is a trap. #Babylon

    • Skegeeaces

      Urm, WHET?!?!

    • Exactly what type of “Heritage. Achievement. Excellence.” does this represent for African Americans?? No sir, I think not.

    • Mary Burrell

      Oh my goodness! What!

  • cdj

    What about this situation, which kind of falls under number 9?

    My good friend got in an argument with her mom, and her mom was really laying into her. My friend’s (white) husband got loud and told her mom not to talk to her that way, and if it was a problem, she could leave.

    I literally gasped, because I personally wouldn’t get in between an argument between a (black) mom and her grown child, let alone tell mom where she needed to go. I mean, I guess he felt she was disrespecting his wife, in his house – but it is also my friends house, and he did disrespect her mom.

    VSBs, would you talk to your mother in law like that in your house? I’m not married, so I don’t know if married folks take up for each other this way.

    • panamajackson

      exactly how disrespectful was moms being? cuz i think you can step in if somebody’s momma is being flagrant…in your house.

      • cdj

        My friend said she didnt curse, but mom was getting loud and talking over her, and whatever they were discussing made my friend cry.

        • Doug Chu

          I don’t know what the right answer is, but that sounds like some toxic family of origin stuff…and a mother who has a poor sense of boundaries.

          • cdj

            I’ve been around them and they can be a dysfunctional bunch, but they all love each other a lot :-)
            I guess I had a different view of it, that the husband was crossing the line.

            • Jennifer

              This is tough. There are some shittyass parents who are terrible to their adult children. I think the blanket belief that we should always respect our parents (especially in black families) doesn’t apply in all circumstances — whether they love each other or not.

    • Skegeeaces

      ::In my Dr. MLK voice:: The good word says, “Leave and cleave!” She doesn’t belong to the mama anymore, she belongs to the husband and that’s THEIR house, not the mama’s. I think he had a right to step in, BUUUUUT he’d better just be comfortable knowing that, even if they “make up”, he’s on the mama’s list for-EVER. The things we do for love…

      • cdj

        It’s funny you say that, because my friend has a step mom, too. She and the husband had words, now step mom doesn’t like him even though she and my friend are all good.

    • mssporadic

      Unless her #momma was acting like Lynn Whitfield in that Tyler Perry movie, I would stay out of it. Never get in-between black people and they mom’s.

      • cdj

        That’s what I’m saying. I expected her to tell me that she told him to stay out of it/apologize, but she was cool with it.

        I have a difficult mom, so I can relate, but I can’t see any scenario where i would be okay with someone yelling at her. Even a husband.

    • Wizznilliam

      That’s a tough one.. It must have been a REALLY bad situation. He was probably justified else she likely would have checked him herself right then. He likely read the situation correctly. That’s dangerous territory though.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      He did the right thing, this way they can be united in their hate for the white man. Quite smooth on his part

      • cdj

        Lol!!!!!

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Depends….. Was this mama Joyce levels?

      • cdj

        Lol! I don’t think so; my friend is REALLY sweet and sensitive, so anyone disagreeing with her looks like they’re bullying her. Her mom was just being a loud mama who wants to be right.

  • PDL – Cape Girl Shero

    May I add….

    Borrow money and walk past me or chat it up and ain’t paid me back. THAT WAS NOT A GIFT

    I know you said what you ain’t gon do in my house but this deserves honorable mention. Cause folks will come over while owing you, and act like nothing. If I’m thinking about it, you’re thinking about it. ESPECIALLY FAMILY!

    • KCG

      *wall slide* You get outta my family’s business madam! This is a thing between my mom and aunt. I keep telling my mom to get her money back, but she’s never said anything to my aunt about it.

      • PDL – Cape Girl Shero

        Hahaha, I always love the wall slide. LOL. I will lend and ask “now when did you say you’ll pay me back?” I’ll give them til sundown, as in dusk. If they ain’t called me or came by I call. Nooo shame either.

        My brother borrowed 300.00 and I called him about 5:00 that evening and said I’m making a run to the bank, don’t want to make several trips you want me to come by? Hahahaha

  • LeeLee

    Oscar Meyer Selects (gray package) makes a decent Turkey Bacon, but I admit that turkey bacon will never be the same as pork bacon. My delicate tummy can no longer swing to pork bacon tho :(

  • Professor

    23. No matter how long the line is, the downstairs bathroom under the stairs is for you. The only people allowed to use the upstairs bathroom is me and the cutie I invited. And I’ll have to personally escort her even

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    May I add to #17 cause what you won’t do is walk in my house with your outside shoes on.

    Also, please add for court: what you won’t do in my house is ask 50-million questions every five minutes while I’m trying to watch the movie. That will get you kicked out of my house….fast.

    • Brown Rose

      50-million questions every five minutes while I’m trying to watch the movie. That will get you kicked out of my house
      ______________
      *looks guilty, slinks towards front door*

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        lol please leave.

        • Brown Rose

          lol..I’m going, I’m going.

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