1. Put your feet up on my couch, Kellyanne Conway
2. Curse at me or mines
3. Run the AC and leave the door open running up my light bill when you didn’t put in on this
4. Talk shit about me in my house while I’m there even if I can’t hear you
5. Play with my money
6. Disrespect me to my face in my house
7. Go in my fridge without asking and eat up my grapes or drink my fruit juices
8. Touch my remote control, especially if you don’t know the proper order in which to turn on the television or how to switch inputs, fucking up my surround sound execution
9. Talk shit about any of the following people: My momma, Jesus, MLK, My momma, Michelle Obama, Barack and Michelle Obama (as one unified untouchable) in that order
10. Tell me I can’t talk shit about Bill Cosby, Al Sharpton, or any other nigga I feel like talking shit about. This my house.
11. Eat up all the hogmaws, all the pigs feet, all the neckbones. And if I have any, hummus. Don’t eat my hummus. (I don’t like hummus, but it’s my hummus. What you not gon’ do is eat my hummus.)
12. Drink up my fine brown liquors ESPECIALLY if you didn’t put in on this shit UNLESS one of the homies died in which case we will ration out the fine brown liquor in proportion to how well each of you niggas knew the deceased. We will not be pouring out none of my fine brown liquors for the dead homey; we will buy bottles of cheap brown liquors to pour out for the dead homies and what you ‘pacifically not gon’ do is make any executive decisions involving my fine brown liquors without my okay. Also, my fine brown liquors include Hennessey (especially Henny with initials after it) and any other liquor that is brown in my cabinet if I have deemed it fine whether or not you think its fine. Nigga.
13. Drink up my fine white liquors. If fact, what you not gon’ do is touch my liquors. Including my Ripple.
14. Talk shit about my sports teams, weave technician or engineer, or hobbies and call them white shit
15. Bring no white shit up in my house
16. Tell me my perfectly sound and logical conspiracy theories are bullshit
17. Walk in my house without wiping your feet on the rug
18. Sit on the cloth part of my couch if there is plastic. If you see plastic use the plastic
19. Touch my vinyl
20. Make breakfast with turkey bacon and not inform me that you have decided that turkey bacon is a thing