20 People, Places, And Things Still Somehow Less Petty Than Janet Hubert
Early Monday morning, Jada Pinkett Smith logged onto Facebook to tell the world that we should all boycott the Oscars because the Academy didn’t see it for Will Smith’s interpretation of an Igbo accent.
That same MLK day, “Blacktress” Janet Hubert popped open her MacBook, picked her favorite filter on photobooth, poured some of her magnum bottle of Sutter Home Chardonnay, and proceeded to get in that ass harder than when she put on her pink unitard and showed those White women how to fouetté on the 2s and 4s.
Now, whether or not you agree with Janet is fairly irrelevant. I personally think she made some salient points, but I also think that hot wings are a breakfast food and that Willie Norwood, Jr. is a national treasure, so you may want to take my opinions with a grain of salt.
Regardless, in a four minute long video and a 150 word Facebook comment, Madame Hubert proceeded to be pettier than the number i saw on the bathroom scale after the holidays. She was Petty Pendergrass. Petty and the Jets. Petty LaBelle. The limit to her Petty does not exist.
I know it’s not February yet, but here’s an early Black history fact for you: Any rant that starts with a middle-aged Black auntie going “Well first of all, miss thang” guarantees first-ballot entry into the Petty Hall of Fame.
When you’re able to incorporate a 25-year old beef into a present day discussion, you deserve your praise. In my arbitrary ranking of petty behavior, Janet still ranks above the following:
1. The security officer who sees you come into work every day but still insists on you showing your government ID when you forget your badge.
2. “Chante’s Got A Man.” Few things are pettier than gathering your girlfriends who have been cheated and mistreated by the men in their lives to let them know that at least you have a man at home who treats you well, and too bad for them and their tragic ass lives.
3. My group texts whenever I see that Serge and Keri Hilson are back together after an extended Instagram photo hiatus.
4. The Popeye’s employee who just took out a fresh batch of spicy chicken from the oil but still tries to give you the old work that’s just been sitting there. This is seriously one the top 10 forms of disrespect you can commit against someone. It’s like you approached the lady behind the register with a dap and he or she came back at you with a tepid high five.
5. Everyone’s metabolism after the age of 25. I keep trying to calculate the amount of miles I have to run to counteract the effects of last weeks hot wings, and I just get back “does not compute.” And my lower intestines are still processing that burger I ate a week ago. And my scale is just not budging. All my life I had to fight!
6. The Beyhive.
7. Norm Kelly. Or rather, Norm’s daughter’s 19 year old Jamaican boyfriend in Windsor who is clearly drafting his tweets for him. What 74 year old white man is spending time out their day to craft Meek Mill memes?
8. Drake’s rant at the end of “Diamonds Dancing.” I don’t know who Drake is subbing here, but whichever poor exotic dancer is the subject of Aubrey’s latest attentions, she deserves better than a Toronto area rapper on a newfangled HGH diet telling her “your momma would be ashamed of you.”
9. Uber surge pricing on NYE. Oh you can’t catch a cab in NYC to save your life and trains are a joke after 2 AM? Well for the low low price of 13 X $20.00 you don’t have to attempt to drunk drive down the West Side Highway!
10. Any sentence Dame Dash has uttered on Jay Z in the last 10 years. It’s 2016 and Dame Dash still can’t speak on Jay without reacting poorer than Lebron James when he gets stripped by Steph Curry
11. 50 cent’s Instagram. The last 72 hours alone have been dedicated to crowdsourcing Meek Mill insults. Curtis Jackson’s dedication to roasting niggas is damn near unparalleled.
12. My pedicurist. My renewed dedication to trying to out-exercise my hot wing consumption has led to a terrifying case of runner’s nail and Marina is not here for the shits.
13. Lil Kim’s verse on “I Can Love You.” What do you think happens when Faith Evans is at a throwback 90’s party and hears Kimberly Jones go “in love with you since the days of Juicy?”
14. The time that Woody got Dru Hill back together only to announce on the radio that he was leaving again. Sisqo was all ready to unleash the dragon until he was forced to peel out of the parking lot in anger on a suspended license
15. Stevie Wonder’s stylist.
16. Mint spending notifications. Listen if I am at 50 percent of my credit card usage I am not “near credit limit.” And stop telling me how much I spend on food and alcohol every month! Some things need to be left unsaid, like how many times a year I have to get my mustache waxed.
17. Mark Jackson’s commentary during Golden State games.
18. Martin O’Malley trying to get his two cents in during the Democratic Debates. Every interjection that Governor Carcetti has made has been the equivalent of hating from outside of the club.
19. Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech. If you’ve reached the highest achievement point in your career and the bulk of what you have to say is dragging the folks that you didn’t get along with on the way there you might want to work that out with your therapist (and your tailor).
20. IRS garnishing on 1099 wages. There are few things more frustrating that watching everyone be ready for tax refund season while you’re trying to find a way for the feds not to take 50% of your income. It might be time for me to start popping out some progeny, my mom has certainly been asking for long enough.