20 People, Places, And Things Still Somehow Less Petty Than Janet Hubert » VSB

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20 People, Places, And Things Still Somehow Less Petty Than Janet Hubert

Early Monday morning, Jada Pinkett Smith logged onto Facebook to tell the world that we should all boycott the Oscars because the Academy didn’t see it for Will Smith’s interpretation of an Igbo accent.

That same MLK day, “Blacktress” Janet Hubert popped open her MacBook, picked her favorite filter on photobooth, poured some of her magnum bottle of Sutter Home Chardonnay, and proceeded to get in that ass harder than when she put on her pink unitard and showed those White women how to fouetté on the 2s and 4s.

Now, whether or not you agree with Janet is fairly irrelevant. I personally think she made some salient points, but I also think that hot wings are a breakfast food and that Willie Norwood, Jr. is a national treasure, so you may want to take my opinions with a grain of salt.

Regardless, in a four minute long video and a 150 word Facebook comment, Madame Hubert proceeded to be pettier than the number i saw on the bathroom scale after the holidays. She was Petty Pendergrass. Petty and the Jets. Petty LaBelle. The limit to her Petty does not exist. 

I know it’s not February yet, but here’s an early Black history fact for you: Any rant that starts with a middle-aged Black auntie going “Well first of all, miss thang” guarantees first-ballot entry into the Petty Hall of Fame.

When you’re able to incorporate a 25-year old beef into a present day discussion, you deserve your praise. In my arbitrary ranking of petty behavior, Janet still ranks above the following: 

1. The security officer who sees you come into work every day but still insists on you showing your government ID when you forget your badge.

2. “Chante’s Got A Man.” Few things are pettier than gathering your girlfriends who have been cheated and mistreated by the men in their lives to let them know that at least you have a man at home who treats you well, and too bad for them and their tragic ass lives.

3. My group texts whenever I see that Serge and Keri Hilson are back together after an extended Instagram photo hiatus.

4. The Popeye’s employee who just took out a fresh batch of spicy chicken from the oil but still tries to give you the old work that’s just been sitting there. This is seriously one the top 10 forms of disrespect you can commit against someone. It’s like you approached the lady behind the register with a dap and he or she came back at you with a tepid high five.

5. Everyone’s metabolism after the age of 25. I keep trying to calculate the amount of miles I have to run to counteract the effects of last weeks hot wings, and I just get back “does not compute.” And my lower intestines are still processing that burger I ate a week ago. And my scale is just not budging. All my life I had to fight!

6. The Beyhive.

7. Norm Kelly. Or rather, Norm’s daughter’s 19 year old Jamaican boyfriend in Windsor who is clearly drafting his tweets for him. What 74 year old white man is spending time out their day to craft Meek Mill memes?

8. Drake’s rant at the end of “Diamonds Dancing.” I don’t know who Drake is subbing here, but whichever poor exotic dancer is the subject of Aubrey’s latest attentions, she deserves better than a Toronto area rapper on a newfangled HGH diet telling her “your momma would be ashamed of you.”

9. Uber surge pricing on NYE. Oh you can’t catch a cab in NYC to save your life and trains are a joke after 2 AM? Well for the low low price of 13 X $20.00 you don’t have to attempt to drunk drive down the West Side Highway!

10. Any sentence Dame Dash has uttered on Jay Z in the last 10 years. It’s 2016 and Dame Dash still can’t speak on Jay without reacting poorer than Lebron James when he gets stripped by Steph Curry

11. 50 cent’s Instagram. The last 72 hours alone have been dedicated to crowdsourcing Meek Mill insults. Curtis Jackson’s dedication to roasting niggas is damn near unparalleled.

12. My pedicurist. My renewed dedication to trying to out-exercise my hot wing consumption has led to a terrifying case of runner’s nail and Marina is not here for the shits.

13. Lil Kim’s verse on “I Can Love You.” What do you think happens when Faith Evans is at a throwback 90’s party and hears Kimberly Jones go “in love with you since the days of Juicy?”

14. The time that Woody got Dru Hill back together only to announce on the radio that he was leaving again. Sisqo was all ready to unleash the dragon until he was forced to peel out of the parking lot in anger on a suspended license

15. Stevie Wonder’s stylist.

16. Mint spending notifications. Listen if I am at 50 percent of my credit card usage I am not “near credit limit.” And stop telling me how much I spend on food and alcohol every month! Some things need to be left unsaid, like how many times a year I have to get my mustache waxed.

17. Mark Jackson’s commentary during Golden State games.

18. Martin O’Malley trying to get his two cents in during the Democratic Debates. Every interjection that Governor Carcetti has made has been the equivalent of hating from outside of the club.

19. Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech. If you’ve reached the highest achievement point in your career and the bulk of what you have to say is dragging the folks that you didn’t get along with on the way there  you might want to work that out with your therapist (and your tailor).

20. IRS garnishing on 1099 wages. There are few things more frustrating that watching everyone be ready for tax refund season while you’re trying to find a way for the feds not to take 50% of your income. It might be time for me to start popping out some progeny, my mom has certainly been asking for long enough. 

Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • Lola

    #15.

    dassit. dasall.

  • miss t-lee

    Thank you for mentioning “Blacktress”….that alone had me hollering at that video the other night.
    I mean, Chante’s friends actually won that battle. *cackling* If it was me I’d bring up that divorce weekly.
    I can recite Kim’s verse from memory. “WHO YOU LOVE AND WHO YOU WANNA BE HUGGING?”
    MJ’s HOF speech is seriously a master class in petty.

    • tgtaggie

      Ray Charles could’ve told Chante how her and Kenny was going to wrk out. And he’s dead and blind. Lol. Kenny is walking bag of Dixie Crystals.

      MJ’s hof speech still have me chuckling to this day.
      http://blog.pennlive.com/patriotnewssports/2009/09/medium_michael_jordan_nba_hall_of_fame.jpg

      • miss t-lee

        Dixie Crystals?

        Jesucristo.

      • IsitFridayyet?

        I always thought “Chante’s Got a Man” was about her relationship with Kadeem Hardison .

        • PaddyfotePrincess

          It is.

        • miss t-lee

          Same result…lol

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        Haha! The MJ cry face is everywhere.

      • I always thought Kenny and Chante were creepy.

        • miss t-lee

          I love Kenny’s voice, still got his first album, but never bought them as a couple.

          • PaddyfotePrincess

            Yes ma’am. “Never Too Busy” and “For You” stay in rotation.

            • miss t-lee

              YES. Also “Forever” and “I Won’t Let You Down”.
              *swoon*

              • PaddyfotePrincess

                Girl! That first album is a classic. I’ve heard a new song by him on Music Choice that sounds pretty good.

                • miss t-lee

                  oh word? I’ll have to look for it.

                  • PaddyfotePrincess

                    “What Must I Do” is the song. He released an album last year called “Anatomy of a Love Song.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Good look.

            • QuirlyGirly

              Yes, For You was a good song.. that is my favorite songr from him

          • I just thought he was a chump with talent.

            • miss t-lee

              HA!

        • tgtaggie

          Yep. I always thought they were trying to hard to show how much “in love” they were.

          • miss t-lee

            Same with *cough* Will and *cough* Jada.

            • Yep.

              • miss t-lee

                *daps*

            • Val

              Same with Bey and…never-mind…

              *goes to sit in corner*

              • miss t-lee

                I mean…
                Although they don’t do it on the level that Will & Jada do.

              • PDL – Cape Girl

                Mmm hmm

              • brothaskeeper

                *awaits arrival of Beygency agents in 5……4…..3……2…..

              • blogdiz

                See you still like to live dangerously

                • Mary Burrell

                  lol

              • Yep!

          • It just looked fake.

          • fxd8424

            Me and a friend of mine were in Will and Jada’s company some years ago (his mom’s b’day party) and he said the same thing because Jada was sitting on Will’s lap being
            affectionate. I remember saying to him,just because you’re not touchy feely doesn’t mean everyone else is not.

            • tgtaggie

              yeah, I think it differs between ppl tho. From my understanding, Will and Jada have a “interesting” realationship. You can pretty much tell when someone is faking the funk.

              • fxd8424

                Yeah, it does differ. Maybe they are faking, who really knows. Maybe that’s the glue that keeps them together, their “interesting” relationship. I say whatever works for you. We’re just outsiders looking in.

        • God Shammgod

          Well I always thought that Kenny was….mmm. I’ll just put up this picture.

          http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h164/ybfchic/SEPTEMBER%202010/hey.jpg

      • Val

        *wonders how so many people know the details of Chante’s and Kenny’s relationship?*

        Were they on a reality show or something?

        • tgtaggie

          I think Chante was on R&B divas. then they have a pretty bitter custody battle that played out on the show. From my understanding, Chante has some issues

          • Val

            Okay, thanks, because I’m seriously out of the loop on them. But I don’t have cable so that explains it. Btw, I had no idea she and Kadeem Hardison were married. None.

            • miss t-lee

              They kept it pretty secret.

            • tgtaggie

              I didn’t know her and Dwayne Wayne were married either. And they have a grown daughter. lol. Kadeem looks like a middle aged ninja now. lol.

              • Mochasister

                Don’t feel bad. I didn’t realize it either.

            • fxd8424

              They were married maybe 3 years but I thought it was longer. I think he said they met backstage at one of the award shows.

            • porqpai

              You remember that song she did called Bitter? That was ALL about the end of her and Kadeem. It makes me cackle every time I hear it.

              http://youtu.be/2xUe1VdXQpo

            • MsSula

              I was sitting here like: what did I miss? Lol.

      • Guest

        On that reality show Chante said that song was about Kadeem Hardison.

    • PaddyfotePrincess

      All three of the divorces – Kadeem, Kenny and her first husband.

      • miss t-lee

        You feel meh?

    • Diva

      LMAO. Oh gawd! I had to rewind the vid to make sure it was actually “Blacktress” that escaped JH’s lips!!

      • miss t-lee

        Girl…yes!
        She said in all sincerity.

  • Ari

    “1. The security officer who sees you come into work every day but still insists on you showing your government ID when you forget your badge.”

    That one really blessed me.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      And this is why I pseudo flirt with the guard everyday. “Did they get you a new sweaer??? It’s fitting you right gurl!”

      • Ari

        My security guards speak to me on the street, in the parking garage, after work, and STILL stop me when they can only see the back of my I.D. My building’s front lobby pettiness has no limits.

        • Deb0nair D0c

          Compliance check. I don’t work security but I would imagine even though “they know you” its a test to confirm that you aren’t the erratic employee that will show up unprepared for anything but going postal that particular day. The “you they know” showing up without an ID is a red flag.

          • Anice Yantez

            Yup… HR took your ID, but, YOU FORGOT IT… They let you in… Office gets shot up and they lose a job… Funny would be that guard saying, “you know you were fired and escorted out yesterday!”

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    #1 – Cackles! This has probably happened to the majority of the folks presenting IDs upon access to work. Before it happens security dude is cool, until you forget, lose, or drop your ID. He’s now a stickler for policy and become building vigilante. DUDE!! All he can offer is “ma’am Imma need to see you ID or ask you to step aside. Toy cop. Once past the security guard station you yell “that’s why you ain’t got no gun!”

    #4

    • QuirlyGirly

      Haha..nothing like antagonzing security.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    #4 and #19. BRUHHHHHHHHHHHHH. MJ’s speech was unnecessary and uncomfortable. God don’t like ugly. for real..

    • tgtaggie

      I can’t wait for Kobe’s HOF speech. lol

      • miss t-lee

        It’s gonna easily top MJ’s.

        EASILY.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Kobe’s speech will be a solid 15 mins of him silently making “free throw” related jabs at Shaq.

          • miss t-lee

            Oooooh. I forgot about the Shaq shade.
            Gonna be good!

        • Sigma_Since 93

          He’s going to tweak Champ and PJ’s book and say his rings keep him warm at night.

          • tgtaggie

            This is part of his speech
            http://gifsoup.com/NTE1NDEzMQ

          • miss t-lee

            Not unless he wants to buy Vanessa another $4M ring.

            • Question

              …which is like *nothing* to his annual salary (or child support + alimony)…

        • Damon Young

          you know, i don’t think it will be. he’s trying to be the softer, gentler, wiser old man kobe in interviews now.

          • miss t-lee

            Hmmmm.
            It remains to be seen.

      • “And to the the White girl in Colorado…”

  • tgtaggie

    17. Mark Jackson is just mad that Steph shoots like an actual video game character. lol.

    I’m still laughing at Steph throwing up 35 on Bron and Co monday night. Losing on your court by 31. I bet Lebron was looking like this in the locker room

    http://bloguin.com/asternwarning/wp-content/uploads/sites/129/2011/06/26_320540504.jpg

    • Especially after Curry said he hopes the locker room still smells like Champagne.

      • tgtaggie

        I like Curry’s nice dude but cocky attitude. Lol.

    • http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/xbljuhftbd4nygivzohi.gif

      Cavs HC David Blatt just got fired…I remember watching the game and saying to myself, “This is the kind of lost that gets a coach fired.”

      LeBron managed to push him completely out the door this time and replace him with a light skinned dude, who is most famous for:

      http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/3092391/iverson3_medium.gif

      • Lue is from my town so I have to root for the guy. I always thought Blatt was doing a terrible job.

        • Amazonian Midget

          You and I really should compare notes to see how many degrees we are apart.

      • tgtaggie

        Iverson’s walk over Lue was peak IDAGF

  • IsitFridayyet?

    Sooo about #19, I don’t think that I have ever heard Michael Jordan speak prior to 10 minutes ago. I was not expecting his voice to sound that way.

  • 1. The security officer who sees you come into work every day but still insists on you showing your government ID when you forget your badge.

    *smh*
    There was a black campus cop who specialized in harassing the black guys on the yard at my college. He could see you 20 times a day and even speak but would roll-up on you in the gym or weight-room with another black cop and demand to see your ID while the other cop stands behind him like with his arms crossed like he’s Arn Anderson.

    • Ari

      “There’s some new negras at the gate.”

      My college campus had a security guard who would smile at everyone who walked past her until she saw a black person.

      • Wow. The public safety force at my college were actual cops who went to the state police academy so some of them were extra.

    • Bob Sacamano

      50 points for the Arn Anderson reference.

  • I think Mark Jackson has a certain amount of pride for what he created in Golden State but you can feel the hatred he has for the front office in nearly every word.

    • tgtaggie

      You really can’t blame the guy. Look at this season. Steve Kerr basically been on the DL for the whole season and they’re still playing like the best team in the west. Luke Walton is basically there for the ride.

      • Completely agree.

      • Amen

        They gave Steve Kerr COY. Thats hilarious.

        • tgtaggie

          They gave Luke coach of the month for October and November. I was like WTF?

        • Watch whiteness work.

    • I died when Bob Ryan call Mark Jackson a “Bible-thumping fraud” a few weeks ago.

      • He better watch is back. Mark don’t play that mess.

    • Val

      As he should. I get tired of this happening to Black coaches. They always fire them after they’ve turned the team around and then hire a White coach who gets all the credit.

  • TeeChantel

    Willie Norwood, Jr., though?

    • Amen

      I’ve never been more dissapointed in a Google search.

      • miss t-lee

        Yeen know who that was already? LOL

        • TeeChantel

          For real. LOL

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Hollers!!

      • TeeChantel

        LOL. I’m sorry you wasted precious time to google his name.

        • Amen

          Lol I just wasn’t prepared for that face to be on the other end of my search.

    • Dee2002

      Why couldn’t you just say Ray J lol I went, What!? Who is this, then googled the name then lol’d.

      • TeeChantel

        But everybody…. but you.. knows Willie Norwood, Jr. LOL

        • tgtaggie

          Dude (besides Judas Iscariot) arguably is one of the worst ppl that walked on this earth

          • TeeChantel

            That is accurate. Now that is someone I wish would just fade away and disappear *in my Cardi B voice* “Foreva.”

      • I did the same thing. Lmaoo!

      • AshAlly08

        At least you googled… I mistakenly (disrespectfully) thought this was Smokie Norful.

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