Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

19 Bizarre Things That Men Have Done At Least Once

photoHand me a late pass because today was the first day that I saw the list on Thought Catalog that was a compilation of statements from Reddit about some of the bizarre things that all women have done at least once. It was aptly entitled “27 Bizarre Things That All Women Have Done At Least Once”. Not for nothing, ewww.

While all men learn to appreciate and eventually love the arrival of a woman’s period, some of the information in the article was just TMI. Like, we all know that we all take dumps, but the details are so unnecessary to share. On the other hand, there were quite a few of the things on the list that I’ve seen either in person or thru my vast network of boobed mammals have been informed of. Don’t end sentences in prepositions.

Also, the fact that no women that I know disputed getting in front of a mirror on all fours to see what doggystyle looks like from a male’s perspective? *dead* But I can totally see it since well…

Let’s just get into this male centric list, mmkay, pumpkin? Here are 19 bizarre things that men have done at least once. Maybe not all, but most. You can dispute this, you will be wrong. And for semantic’s sake, the word bizarre is going to have its loosest interpretation ever.

1. Measured his penis

If a dude tells you he doesn’t know how big his johnson is, he’s lying. EVERY dude tries to take SOME measurement.

2. Done naked jumping jacks

I have no clue why. At all. But we do it.

3. Pick up a pair of pants off the floor, smell them, and put them on regardless of what they smell like.

I’ve definitely reached the point in my life that I haven’t done this in years, but it happened. Oh yeah, it happened.

4. Twirled his penis

You know the naked jumping jacks? This is the next step in the progression of penis olympics.

5. Adjusted himself in public, in full view of any and everybody

Yo, when your schlong is uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable. And nobody likes being uncomfortable.

6. Stuck his tongue on frozen sh*t to see if his tongue would get stuck without a plan in case it actually happened

7. Refused to throw away an item of clothing because you’ve had it for long period of time.

I’ve got shorts that literally shame the our ancestors who picked cotton that I refuse to give up. I also have a pair of Morehouse shorts that have more holes in them than a golf course eaten alive by moles. They’re coming with me til this life ride is over.

8. Drank out of a carton even despite repeatedly being told not to by the authority woman figure

It’s easier.

9. Attempted to run and slide in our socks on a hardwood floor

I don’t care whose house it is. If there’s a hardwood floor and I wake up in the morning, I will try to slide in my socks.

10. Put his hands in his pants just for comfort because that’s where hands go when they need comfort and warming

11. Stood in a mirror and flexed our muscles pretending to be swole even if we aren’t

12. Eaten food that would possibly kill us because, well we won’t know if we’ll die unless we actually die

Guys make a lot of sense.

13. Attempted something that might actually kill you because…well see #13

I skateboarded off the roof of my house. It hurt a lot.

14. Freestyled for a significant period of time during a car ride solo and truly believed we were good enough to make it as rappers

Still going strong with this one.

15. Watched a chick flick and felt some kind of way while watching

Me and my father once watched a Lifetime movie together. Afterwards, we didn’t speak to one another for 2 hours.

16. Written his name with his urine while pissin’ at a urinal.

All cursive of course.

17. Eaten food right off the ground…like outside ground.

18. If he has them, combed (and possibly conditioned) his chest hairs

Nobody likes that hard scrabble stuff…we like soft silky…what am I doing tellin y’all. This got awkward.

19. Wiped his arse with something other than toilet tissue…because, we tend to run out of toilet tissue. Or are out in the woods.

Again, this is younger man stuff, but its man stuff nonetheless. It happens.

Well there’s your 19. A bizarre number.

It’s Friday. Let’s come clean and share some of the secrets of the trade of our genders. Let’s add to the articles. What are some more things that all men and women do at least once.

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • iamnotakata

    I don’t know why but this cracks me up lol! “10. Put his hands in his pants just for comfort because that’s where hands go when they need comfort and warming” what?!

    • Kema

      Funny enough this was on the women’s list as putting your hands between your legs for warmth. This combined with fetal position is very warming / soothing.

    • panamajackson

      I mean….you ain’t never seen dudes walking with their hands in their pants? It keeps your hands warm.And you get to juggle junior.

      • iamnotakata

        Naw I have I just was thinking back to when I see guys doin it and it cracks me up lol It also reminds me why I sometimes don’t want to shake mens hands.

    • SuperStrings

      #10 is the default position during those cold practices on the football field.

  • Colorful Immigrant

    Pee in the shower. Why jump out of a hot steaming bath/shower, to pee in the toilet when you are aneamic?

    -How is the Bermuda Circle evolving?

    • Abu Husain

      *In George Castanza’s voice*

      It all goes down the same pipes!

      • http://www.blackyodaprime.blogspot.com/ Black Yoda

        Oh, i get it. You’re friends with the urinator. :0)

    • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

      Everyone pees in the shower

      • Bud

        It wasn’t up until my college years that I was aware of how many people pee in the shower. I let my pride go then. Plus it saves me time, a wet toilet seat, and a couple of flushes a year, all which saves me money I like to believe…

        • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

          No shame. If I have to pee and I’m in the shower, I’m peeing in the shower and washing right after. Idk why people make a huge deal about it. Urine is sterile anyway. If anything, I just did my urinary tract a fucking favor.

        • Abu Husain

          Anyone who cares about the environment and conservation should do it.

        • Colorful Immigrant

          Hey booo!!!!

          • Bud

            Hey how u doin!! (flashes smile despite being unsure of exactly whom i greeting)

            • Colorful Immigrant

              It’s Oshun!! Who ELSE would try to holla at your fine nyash?

              • Bud

                Sorry, the name change and avi kinda got me. The effects of once being stalked I guess…. Nice bumping into you again and all of your colorful personality. Im flattered!

      • LMNOP

        ew no. I go before I get in. Who can’t wait 20 minutes to pee?

        • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

          Me.

        • Kema

          For some reason the release feels soooo good.

        • Sweet Ga Brown

          Its something about that running water that makes me have to go.

        • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

          me too. it’s a natural progression. lol.

          • LMNOP

            Right, you are already in the bathroom with your pants off, what else are you going to do while you wait for the water to get hot?

      • panamajackson

        Definitely have done it before.

      • WIP

        I don’t get the disgust over it. Unless your drain is clogged, it’s going right down the drain and you’re washing anyway so…shower p!ssing ftw

        • LMNOP

          But your trying to get your body clean and then peeing on yourself. I’m glad I know how common this is now though, so next time I let someone use my shower I can pour some bleach in after.

          • afronica

            Exactly. If people pee in the shower on a regular basis, it starts to smell. Ewww.

            • WIP

              lol, I haven’t found this to be the case.

          • WIP

            Well, since today is TMI day already, I would go when I get in there, not after the fact. I wouldn’t wash, pee all over myself and get out, LOL

    • Secret Sauce

      People underestimate how challenging it can be for a dude, especially a cat who is close to 6-4 like me, to pee in a standard toilet (which can be of varying heights). You’re way up there, and the toilet is way down there. Sometimes, you gotta line that shyt up like a FG kicker. Shower pissing is so much easier.

      • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

        Curious, so I’m just wondering what well endowed men do when they “do to doo”. Do they have to hold themselves lest their package touch the toilet bowl water?

        I need answers.

        • John Shannon

          Tuck it to the side so it doesn’t buoy in the water or the actual toilet. Don’t aim it forward lest you get piss between the seat and bowl and end up urinating on your pants, socks, shoes and/or legs.
          Trust, I did this 5X in my life (age 16 Twice, 17, 19 while at a hotel stay, and Last Year at a Friend’s place). It’s Embarassing to try and act like you ain’t piss on yourself or take time to wash and dry your legs, SMH

        • SunnyRee

          I’ve also wondered when men are sick or drunk and have one of those
          simultaneous #1 & #2, plus vomit situations, what’s the penis,
          mouth, booty placement?

          • kidvideo

            Bathroom trash can for the vomit…then take shower.

      • panamajackson

        This made me laugh out loud.

        • miss t-lee

          me too.

      • Secret Sauce

        And you gotta take in account aim, the trajectory and controlling the pace of the piss, too. This is an elaborate deal when peeing in a regular toilet, people.

    • Secretsquid

      I wrote my name urinating in the snow. Minnesota.

      • panamajackson

        Well that was Minnesota nice of you to share that story with us.

  • http://sasetbelle.tumblr.com/ dalia

    I did the tongue-to-cold-metal thing. When I was like, six. Your list just confirms what I’ve always suspected: boy children are straight nuts.

    • Huh Bruh

      The movie A Christmas Story always scared me out of doing that one.

      • LMNOP

        Very responsible. For each person it scared out of doing that, I think there are 20 people who were inspired to try it and see for themselves.

        • Kema

          Uh huh! When my sister was 8 one of her friends decided to give it a try. Smh! It turned into a 911 call / hospital visit. She was stuck for a while

    • panamajackson

      Boys are just adventurous. Put it this way, you know how we know women have penis envy? Cuz dudes have penis envy too. There’s so many things we can do with it we’re often in awe.

      • LMNOP

        Like many women, I get nail polish envy sometimes, therefore, men must get it too.

      • http://sasetbelle.tumblr.com/ dalia

        Iunno. I’ve heard this term thrown around, and aside from being too lazy to Google it, I’ve never really understood the concept. I am fascinated by men’s fascination with their own Johnson, but I dunno that I ever wished I had one.

    • SuperStrings

      “boy children are straight nuts.”
      Sometimes I think that not too much has changed.

    • miss t-lee

      I’ve always said, it’s wonder my little brother made it to adulthood. Barring all the risky, and downright stupid ish he did to himself when we were growing up…lol (ex. jumping of the roof of the house, sticking keys into the power outlets, sliding headfirst off the top bunk of the bunk beds.) and that’s a very short list.

      • Sandpaper

        I got one of those 16″ bikes with the training wheels for my 3d birthday. I learned to ride it and Pops removed the training wheels. It didn’t have brakes so my preferred way to stop was to speed down the driveway and crash into the chain-link fence. I got away with it for a while until I broke down the fence. Guess what my nickname was? Wildman.

        • afronica

          so.not.surprised.

        • miss t-lee

          Holy sh*t at this story, You were like jackazz, before jackazz existed. :)

          • Sandpaper

            Lol! Well done! That’s a good comparison too. Jumping off of the roof was nothing.

            • miss t-lee

              *curtsies*

      • http://sasetbelle.tumblr.com/ dalia

        An ex once said that the difference between boy-children and girl-children is that with the boys, they give you heart attacks daily until they’re about 16 with their foolishness. With girls, it starts from 16 onward with their hormones.

        • miss t-lee

          Pretty much…lol

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    SMH at #18. LOL.

    • Sandpaper

      Miss Burr!

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        hello!!

  • One

    Nope for the vast majority of these. I have been military, played football on levels, and have a number of guy friends that I know like brothers and practically none of them have done most of this. Twirling penis, naked jumping jacks, combing chest hairs… nah Bruh. That’s all you.

    • http://sasetbelle.tumblr.com/ dalia

      I’ve had boyfriends who do #4 as some kind of foreplay…? LOL Jason Segal does it in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and I die every time I watch that scene.

    • Kema

      Hah! How you gone know when a man twirls his penis? That sounds like a private moment. My female friends don’t know half the $hit I do.

      • LMNOP

        If I woke up in a man’s body one day, I would do most of these d!ck-related items within the first 24 hours.

        • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

          I’m smashing my current girl crush, raw.

        • miss t-lee

          first 5 minutes…lol

          • LMNOP

            Is planning what you’d do if you woke up in the opposite sex’s body something a lot of people think about? I thought that was just me, but maybe it’s not.

            • SuperStrings

              Can’t say I’ve done this, but please feel free to share.

            • afronica

              There was an entire episode of the UK series The Misfits on this. Amazing series, but that episode was hilar.

            • miss t-lee

              Not often. I’ve thought about it a time or two. That’s about it.

    • panamajackson

      I don’t know. YOu never know unless you see it.

  • GemmieBoo

    hilarious! ive witness men do most of the things on this list. there are just some things you cant un-see/know.

    HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

    • Sandpaper

      Hey Gem!

    • panamajackson

      that goes the same way for womense too….WE MISS YOU HERE.

      • GemmieBoo

        awww i miss [some of] yall too!!! its just so much more safe to lurk these days lol

  • Maximillian

    Adding to 16, writing my name in the snow, or other things, marking one’s ‘ahem’ territory lol

    • panamajackson

      It’s truly a joy that I wish women could experience.

      • Thriftybynature

        I ain’t gonna lie, I get jealous.

        • LMNOP

          being able to pee standing up would be really convenient.

  • The Champ

    penis alarm clock is good too. it’s when your girl is sleeping, you put your wang on her face, she wakes up, and you say “penis alarm clock.” then you leave and make some cream of wheat.

    • iamnotakata

      Rude! lol and smh…

    • Sahel

      That’s what it’s called. I do that just for fun

    • Huh Bruh

      hmm…my birthday is next week. I may be able to get away with trying that one.

      I hate cream of wheat though; may have to be grits…but if she gets mad she may try to Al Green me. Decisions, decisions.

      • Msdebbs

        I’m more of a oatmeal kinda gal. I hate grits. yea I said it.

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

          moves ms debbs down in vss power rankings

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          I’m with you my sister! #oatmealgang

        • panamajackson

          how does one hate grits? that’s racist.

        • http://sasetbelle.tumblr.com/ dalia

          I’m not American, but I always wondered what the fascination was. And then one day, I got to try’em. Not. A. Fan.

          • Lori Hertz

            not a fan of much are you?

            • http://sasetbelle.tumblr.com/ dalia

              Wot’s it to ya? Youdon’tevenknowmelikethat. I like plenty.

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

        grits gang

        • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

          yezzir.

        • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

          with cheese and butter!

          • Sandpaper

            and crumbled bacon!

    • miss t-lee

      Penis alarm clock would get the owner punched in the throat.

      • WIP

        You would need to know beforehand that the person tends to awake gently as opposed to violently swatting whatever is in her face.

        • miss t-lee

          I don’t wake up well. Others have found this out the hard way…lol

        • LMNOP

          Hopefully You’d only do this with people you’ve already woken up many times.

    • panamajackson

      I’ve never done this. This sounds like something I need to do.

  • Abu Husain

    About once a week I hop out of the shower, stand in front of my girl naked, and in my best Stuart voice say, “look what I can do!”

    Then I make my paynus swing left to right as fast as I can… I have no idea what first prompted me to do that, but now it’s a habit I can’t break.

    • Amethyst

      Ewwwww, why Abu? Whyyy???

      • Abu Husain

        It’s darn fun! I love having external genitalia and doing fun things with it. In my head, I try to beat my previous record for 5 seconds of flapping… I just have a special relationship with my girl.

    • panamajackson

      Sounds fun. Chicks think that stuff is juvenile. But they’d miss it if you didn’t do it.

  • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

    #2 though?????

    *scrunches up face*

    • Tx10inch

      You know you smelled that finger girl…