12 Years a Situationship » VSB
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We’ve all been in those relationships that we thought were going somewhere promising when in reality it was leading us down to the makings of an Adele album. I have been so fascinated with the thought of forever and that white picket fence that I have ended up becoming so delusional that I ignored what was right in front of my eye. Let’s chalk this up to the fact that I haven’t been to the optometrist in a month of Sundays. How-some-ever, we become caught in a state of euphoria and thanks to a few timely responses and orgasmic sex; we now see the world through rose colored glasses.

It is scientifically proven that good sex, like Popeyes, will have you doing things out of your character and being in a situationship might be one of them. A situationship, as I was told, is a situation that is solely based on the fear of loneliness, convenience and compatibility. These “situationships” are like a sense of purgatory. You are stuck in a perpetual state of wonder and you find yourself asking questions not even google can answer. Trust me, I’ve searched.

So how did EYE know, I was in a situationship? I’m glad you asked!

Communication, like my edges after a Beyonce’ performance, were sparse.

I noticed that I rarely if ever talked to them on the phone and when we talked it was because I initiated the phone call or via text messages. I sat there and realized that a strong 95% of our conversations met the 140 character count on twitter and that’s when I found an issue. With the texts, there was no general interest in me as a person or the lovely two family household I came from. I think a Deaconess in the church or Demetria Lucas said that if someone really wants to get to know you they’ll call and not just text. This resonated in me and I governed myself accordingly until…

They provided me with nothing short of Euphoric Ecstasy.

I read in a fortune cookie or on a Wikipedia page that, the person that gives you the best sex of your life is usually the person you should not be with, and we all know fortune cookies and Wikipedia hold the meaning of life in them. This particular situationship provided mind blowing sex that after it was done, I contemplated whom I should make their next rental check out to. I was having consistent sex, correction, consistent good sex and living in such a small city, those two things together are like finding a Kerri Hilson platinum album. But then I realized it only came around when it was convenient and it did not come with a title or sense of security. Good sex without a sense of security or a title is basically an episode of Scandal waiting to happen.

There was no title.

Titles, like black lives, matter – let no one tell you differently. Now mind you we have been “dating” for a strong 6 months, and this in gay terms is the equivalent to almost 2 years. And still there was no title. We would do all of the conventional things a couple would do, but yet there was no title. We were at a family function and I would be introduced as the “friend”. After hearing this introduction, I thought “so do you sleep with all your friends before they meet your family”. Then came the point where I was hit the option of “exclusively dating.” Please note, write down, and meditate on the fact that the term “exclusively dating” is a term used by fuck boys to give you a fake sense of security.

These three instances made me reevaluate the importance I played in this person’s life and I realized that I was basically functional and not instrumental. I basically was the second lead vocalist in this situation and no one wants to live a life that warrants that title. So, I laid my burdens at the altar and started my process of escaping from this state of purgatory. This included many containers of ice cream, wine and the occasional journey into the land of self love. I basically turned my life into a Chicken Soup for the Homosexual Soul. Remember that people will show you how to treat them, you just have to be observant and never forget the African American proverb from Chris Brown “These hoes, ain’t loyal.”

Govern yourselves accordingly.

Corey Townsend

Corey resides in the land of hobbits and homosexuals, also known as the District of Columbia. Being a firm believer in on-time rent payments, Corey has employed himself as a Social media strategist by day and a freelance writer by night. He also is a writer for an award-winning web series and connoisseur of all things brunch related.

  • cancergirl08

    Corey, you should pitch “Chicken Soup for the Homosexual Soul” to your nearest agent immediately!

  • DBoySlim

    Damn the ladies have been going through it. I didn’t know situationships caused this much strife.

    • That’s because we love it until somebody catches feelings.

    • They rarely cause strife for the person who is less emotionally tied up. The most strife that person feels is minor inconvenience at the fact the person they thought they’d be casual with until the end of time is starting to want more.

      • DBoySlim

        True. It really boils down to a communication. Catching feelings is the first sign to call it quits.That’s a contract violation.

        • Wild Cougar

          The whole idea of a contract is a load of bull

          • DBoySlim

            When two parties agree to participate in something, a verbal agreement can be made. If one party wants the terms amended then a discussion has to happen. You can’t assume certain behavior means “we together”. It has to be stated clearly with no ambiguity.

            • Wild Cougar

              That’s bull because it assumes feelings don’t change over time. You don’t agree to hold the relationship in a time freeze indefinitely and pretending to is just a trap to avoid any real discussions. Its a load of bull being fed to women based on an entirely illogical, irrational, unrealistic scenario that never occurs. The only thing you “clearly state” is how you feel at a point in time. That point in time is nonexistent once it passes. That means I can feel different about you tonight than I did this morning. If you cannot deal with change you shouldn’t be trying to human.

              • DBoySlim

                That’s what I’m saying. When feelings change that needs to be vocalized. If we are in a FWB situation and then you decide you want to marry me, I need to know. This may not be what I want.

                • Wild Cougar

                  Gotcha

  • NapkinsAndCommas

    If you’re well aware it’s a situationship, don’t have relationship expectations, and can multitask as far as keeping an eye out for an actual partner (if that’s a want), do you.

    • Jennifer

      But, have you ever met anyone who actually can do that?

      • NapkinsAndCommas

        Me. Wanting a relationship isn’t on my list of things to do (nor his) and if we were going to be an item it would have happened organically. No need to have the “what is this” convo, when the idea of dating with a purpose seems draining to me at this moment. I figure we’ll either fizzle out or stumble across someone we want to be with on that level.

        • Jennifer

          Then you are my unicorn. I tried it and have watched plenty of my friends try it, but we were all fooling ourselves. More power to you, my dear. If you like it, I love it.

  • Gotta date like a white person. Single -> dating -> relationship -> marriage. That’s it. Nothing else.

    • Wild Cougar

      You’ve never dated a white person, apparently.

      • I’ve watched leave it to beaver though.

    • Jennifer

      They’re just as messed up as everybody else, honey.

      • Val

        Right. I wasn’t Black folks who invented Tinder. Lol

  • Rose

    Tsk this is such a tricky territory because of the new phenomenon we are in w/ the culture of dating. EVERYTHING has changed and it is very casual to say the least. I think that ppl sometimes get more out of situationships than actual relationships in some instances..because loyalty in committed relationships is fading fast! I’d never advise this route..but I can see how one can get caught up in the feeling of it..

  • *opens harsh truth box*

    Situationships and the grey area dating of the sort is bargain bin shopping. Most stem from person A not being on the level of person B, and person B keeping them around out of flattery and convenience and essentially nothing to lose and person A staying around because they have someone out their league, sorta. It could be easier to get $75 Nikes but instead you spend that $75 on fake Jordans. When the choice is being alone for a second, focusing on you and finding someone who is a little more on your level or pretending you’re with this person cuz they let you text them and might put something in your mouth, you think the former is the obvious choice…but apparently it isn’t. Oh and perchance I’m speculating as a Straight man, but stop asking gay men to be your bestie, it’s tacky. See you on the next post that’s somewhat interesting.

    *closes harsh truth box*

    • Aly

      Well dang.

    • Epsilonicus

      I had this convo with some friends of mine. They kicked my out my own house lol

    • Wild Cougar

      *your* harsh truth. Don’t lecture nobody on tacky.

      • Lecture is a stretch. My point WAS if a white woman was like I like how u think you can be my bestie you of all people wouldn’t have it, I trust ur clever enough to see the irony.

        • Wild Cougar

          Go take an advil and get a bestie of your own.

          • K.

          • That would be almost as silly as commenting on my post that my opinion was not fact. Seriously, I had no idea. Thank you WC, I couldn’t have figured that out without you.

            • Wild Cougar

              You’re welcome. I try to help wherever I can.

              • Val

                *wonders if this is some kind of weird flirting*

                • Gross.

                • I am so lost. I ain’t know Tristan didn’t like ol’ boy.

                  • Read it again, you missed the point.

                    • Nah, you mad that last little blurb pretty clear.

    • Jennifer

      **slow clap**

    • Lea Thrace

      Tristan. Beloved. Who hurt you recently? Cause you have been doing some seriously “aggressive” drive bys as of late. Im here for you. Come rest your head upon my bosom while we talk about your troubles.

      • I’ll play nice next time.

        • Lea Thrace

          my bosoms are here when you need them

          edited to add: That did not come out the way I intended but Im keeping it.

          • QuirlyGirly

            LOL!! You meant it with the best intentions

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Repeating bosoms twice?

            Ooooh s h i t.

    • Freebird

      word.

    • hmmmm…I dunno Tristan, I don’t think it’s always about one person being “not good enough” — a lot of times situationships are just about a lack of real communication- Both people being scurred to say what they really want due to reasons like: ego, fear, pride, etc……..I can go on & on..

      • QueLoQue

        Yea people tend to let these ambiguities persist when they don’t feel comfortable or strong enough to take a position and hold it, and to require their partner to do the same. Occam’s Razor, you eliminate the space for drama when you say “Hey, I know this started casual, but I’m developing feelings. I want a serious relationship. What do you think?” If the person says anything besides yes, then you know the deal, so don’t act surprised when Things Fall Apart.

      • Jennifer

        “Not good enough” sounds harsh, but it’s real. Think of it more as “not good enough based on what you really want.” It’s settling.

        • tgtaggie

          Feeling inadequate is real. but a lot of times what we thought we wanted isn’t what we really need in a person. And the person we need is packaged totally different than what we normally want.

          • LeeLee

            Have we met?! This about sums up my dating issues :)

            • tgtaggie

              I really don’t know. lol

        • I like the way you worded that. I guess what’s throwing me off is for one person to devalue another person but they still continue to use this person who’s supposedly “not good enough” for: attention, s e x, etc. —->it points to a serious character flaw in that person & it proves that the “user” is truly the person in the situationship who’s “not worthy”

          • I didnt mean for it to come off as such, my point was that it’s theyre both using each other, but when the smoke clears, the bad person tends to be one who never wanted a relationship and not the one who conveniently lied to themselves for years

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              The funny thing is sometimes, the bad person thinks they are the good person.

              • Be getting in a whole relationship with someone and forget to tell them…dont circumvent the curve yo

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  No it doesn’t but that’s the risk of dealing with people in the first place. You have no absolute proof they are in it as deep as you are until they expose themselves fully.

            • You’re right about that- they are both using each other- but we all know there’s always one person in a situationship who has the “upper hand.” I’ll use an example from my own life: because I used to be a hot mess: I had multiple male friends that I would USE for the attention, dinner, compliments, etc.-knowing I didn’t want anything deeper. It was my own personal character flaws that allowed me to keep men in my triflin’ lil’ hopeless friend zones- I knew they could’ve up & left- I mean, they were grown, they didn’t have to do me favors, they didn’t have to keep “lying to themselves”-but c’mon, I had to take responsibility for the fact that I was being the sh*tty one for stringing them along.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                See…if you say this…then how do we not agree? This is exactly what I was speaking on.

                • We disagree because I’m not walking around saying “those n!gga’s were unworthy!” lol— those were decent brutha’s who I just didn’t see myself with. It had nothing to do w/ their lack of value or my “clout”

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    You might mot agree with my wording but everything you said proved my point. Being self-absorbed into our own attitudes and not caring to see if how how we treat people actually hurts them provides the same results as being a jerk and treating people ands less-than.

                    Only difference would be the amount of guilt we would feel when the truth comes out. I’m not dismissing your point, I’m just saying there isn’t much of of a difference

                    • Sincereluv4life

                      I see what you’re saying Rewind, I’m logging out & going home- hv a gn

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            That’s what people do. By nature, we are just inherently greedy. Our happiness at the expense of everyone else. That is the life we all lead. There’s no pretending the things we take for granted aren’t based off the blood, sweat, tears, and unfortunate standing of other people.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I’m with Tristan. Most situationships are based on inferior standings. Two people not seeing equally is always the major issue, but one person being in a completely different position than the other is usually the nail in the coffin from the very beginning.

        • I am going to stay up out my feelings & just say that we are gonna have to just agree to disagree :-) lol

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            That’s fine. We don’t have to agree on this.

            If nothing else, my opinion is just based on my experiences. Everything I’ve seen leads me to believe most situationships involve one person having more clout than the other person, because the situation itself isn’t as important to the person with clout. For them it becomes a matter of convenience, playing “wait & see”.

          • PhlyyPhree

            I get both sides here. I think the wording is what makes it so uncomfortable because no one wants to think that their inferior in any way. But in every situation, someone is more dominant so they’ll be the driving force behind things.

            • yeah, I know Tristan was prolly just tryna speak the truth in love lol or something along those lines- but the wording had me like “eh”

  • kris b.

    So I’m caught between getting my life and being happy with my life and Myself and knowing I want some sort of affection and companionship. I know there’s never a perfect time to fall in love, but to commit to someone else and consider their feelings before making moves I want to make just seems daunting. So situationships it is, until I want to try my hand at not being selfish. But you cant lie to yourself. The s ex has to be with someone you dont see yourself with AT ALL. Its the only way to escape with your soul intact. The minute you starr seeing a future in your situationship is when convenience turns into the crying game.

  • miss t-lee

    This post also reminded me that a lot of folks seems to share this love of Family Matters that missed me.

    • Dougie

      WUT?! Blasphemy.

      • miss t-lee

        It’s really not. However I was not a pre-teen boy during its heyday, so I get it.

        • None of the chicks on there did anything for young Wu Young.

          • tgtaggie

            Yeah. I gotta to agree with you on that one. Laura was average at best. Myra was way better looking.

            • They both were attractive but they just didn’t do anything for me.

          • miss t-lee

            Word?

            • The were nice looking but I was like “meh”. Felt the same way about Lisa Turtle.

              • QuirlyGirly

                Was there any TV actress that had your heart racing a little more that usually?

                • Ashley Banks on Fresh Prince. Nia Long when she was on Guiding Light, Topanga on Boy Meets World, and Freddie and Kim on A Different World.

                  • tgtaggie

                    Every black boy growing up watching Boys Meets World wanted to smang Topanga.

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Life long dream

                  • miss t-lee

                    Dang! I remember watching GL with my grandmother when Nia was on there.
                    Throwback.

              • miss t-lee

                Hmmmm. I gotcha.

    • It got real whack real fast after Urkel’s introduction. Most family sitcoms make my teeth hurt #doe

      • miss t-lee

        I think that’s what happened. After that I was just annoyed.

      • Val

        “Stephan” killed it for me. Too silly, too annoying.

        • Jennifer

          See, “Stephan” helped me. Of course, I was 13-14 and my hormones were out of control.

          • DBoySlim

            LMAO

    • Val

      Interestingly, Family Matters never gets the credit for being a rare, and maybe the only besides The Cosby Show, sitcom to feature an intact and not poor Black family.

      • Aly

        Probably because it wasn’t that good.

        • Val

          Lol That could be it.

        • Jennifer

          True, but that mess was amazing when I was 10. #TGIF

        • miss t-lee

          Hallelu.

      • That’s because the show became Urkelized. After a point the Winslows were just there.

      • They were intact sans Carl’s dad (who I think was a fighter pilot) who walked out on he and his mom but overall it wasn’t all that compelling.

      • miss t-lee

        It was what it was for me. That’s it.

      • That Guy

        The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is another.

    • LyricMeThis

      I thought I was the only one lol.

      • miss t-lee

        WE HERE.

    • Amber

      Me too. I hated at the end you know somebody had to learn a life lesson and then the sappy music would play.

      • miss t-lee

        OMG, YES.

        • …You guys that’s what makes it HEARTWARMING! Monsters!

          • miss t-lee

            nah, that’s what made it grade A cheddar.

            • -cues music and sits you down-

              Ms. Lee. Who hurt you? We can’t move forward as a people if we don’t respect the Aha moment in black sitcoms.

              • Jennifer

                *cut to Judy walking up the stairs*

                • That’s where we’re gonna keep her, ’cause we don’t need Mr. Marcus or whoever knockin our door down.

                • miss t-lee

                  They did that girl so wrong.

                  • QuirlyGirly

                    Yeah they did. I felt sorry for her #coldworld

                    • miss t-lee

                      Really though.

              • miss t-lee

                LOL

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              It was still smooth as butter back then tho

              • miss t-lee

                Basura.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  That’s harsh

          • miss t-lee

            I’ll be that. :)

      • Jennifer

        And, why did Harriet spend 10 years with her hands on her hips?

        • Because she didn’t know what else to do with them. Like men in selfies. Let her hands be great!!!

        • miss t-lee

          WHOLE TIME THOUGH.

    • One of my favorites. Tho I liked just about every sitcom at that age. Had you asked me when it was on, I prob would’ve said Homeboys in Outerspace was GOAT too. But Family Matters is still a classic.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        You dead wrong for that. Homeboys In Outer Space aint even make it past episode 5.

        • miss t-lee

          I’m sure they’ll be happy to know someone remembered them in the year of our Lord 2015.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            You want me to do the theme song?

            • miss t-lee

              Like I would even know it.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                This is me. By the time I’m done, you’ll know the first 5 sentences of the 8th chapter in any Harry Potter book.

        • I was here for anything with brown people on TV. Like obsessively so.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Please don’t say that. Bokeem Woodbine exists for a reason.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      I just know my bones just jumped after seeing Michelle Williams. RIP.

      She was sooooooo fine.

      • miss t-lee

        Well…I’m glad?

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          haha. Thank you for caring.

          What are we doing this weekend?

          • miss t-lee

            Trying to avoid flash flooding, probably.
            You?

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Hustling like the thug I am.

              Nah, I’m taking a Philly trip. Wanna join?

              • miss t-lee

                Wish I could. Take pics for me.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  I shall darlin, I shall.

  • I think y’all are over-rating chex when it comes to changes. Lianne La Havas song “What You Don’t Do” comes to mind. People can change their minds because they’re enjoying being with you and feel like y’all are more compatible than was originally thought.

    • LadyIbaka

      Agree!

    • “People can change their minds because they’re enjoying being with you and feel like y’all are more compatible than was originally thought.”

      So true— I always seem to fall for men I never thought I would be with originally- some of us are just stubborn like that :/

    • Hmmm I think I’ll go listen to the song for more clarity

    • guest

      People can change their minds because they’re enjoying being with you and feel like y’all are more compatible than was originally thought.
      However how long is one supposed to wait until you make up your mind that you like me and that I’m worthy of your individual time? And if that never happens then what do I have but memories and wet sheets….No Thank You

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        In some instances, what is received does not always equal what is given out.

        Many times, people may have thought they wouldn’t like someone and put in minimal effort, only to realize they were wrong and try to amp things up after realizing this. But perhaps for the other person, it is the opposite. Maybe they tried hard at first thinking this person was worthy, only to realize…NO. So then they fall back, but keep accepting the blessings, assuming maybe their mind will change again.

    • Is this really a thing tho? Changing your mind in such a way? Who else has experienced/seen this?

  • Not as rare as you might think…

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