12 Years a Situationship » VSB

We’ve all been in those relationships that we thought were going somewhere promising when in reality it was leading us down to the makings of an Adele album. I have been so fascinated with the thought of forever and that white picket fence that I have ended up becoming so delusional that I ignored what was right in front of my eye. Let’s chalk this up to the fact that I haven’t been to the optometrist in a month of Sundays. How-some-ever, we become caught in a state of euphoria and thanks to a few timely responses and orgasmic sex; we now see the world through rose colored glasses.

It is scientifically proven that good sex, like Popeyes, will have you doing things out of your character and being in a situationship might be one of them. A situationship, as I was told, is a situation that is solely based on the fear of loneliness, convenience and compatibility. These “situationships” are like a sense of purgatory. You are stuck in a perpetual state of wonder and you find yourself asking questions not even google can answer. Trust me, I’ve searched.

So how did EYE know, I was in a situationship? I’m glad you asked!

Communication, like my edges after a Beyonce’ performance, were sparse.

I noticed that I rarely if ever talked to them on the phone and when we talked it was because I initiated the phone call or via text messages. I sat there and realized that a strong 95% of our conversations met the 140 character count on twitter and that’s when I found an issue. With the texts, there was no general interest in me as a person or the lovely two family household I came from. I think a Deaconess in the church or Demetria Lucas said that if someone really wants to get to know you they’ll call and not just text. This resonated in me and I governed myself accordingly until…

They provided me with nothing short of Euphoric Ecstasy.

I read in a fortune cookie or on a Wikipedia page that, the person that gives you the best sex of your life is usually the person you should not be with, and we all know fortune cookies and Wikipedia hold the meaning of life in them. This particular situationship provided mind blowing sex that after it was done, I contemplated whom I should make their next rental check out to. I was having consistent sex, correction, consistent good sex and living in such a small city, those two things together are like finding a Kerri Hilson platinum album. But then I realized it only came around when it was convenient and it did not come with a title or sense of security. Good sex without a sense of security or a title is basically an episode of Scandal waiting to happen.

There was no title.

Titles, like black lives, matter – let no one tell you differently. Now mind you we have been “dating” for a strong 6 months, and this in gay terms is the equivalent to almost 2 years. And still there was no title. We would do all of the conventional things a couple would do, but yet there was no title. We were at a family function and I would be introduced as the “friend”. After hearing this introduction, I thought “so do you sleep with all your friends before they meet your family”. Then came the point where I was hit the option of “exclusively dating.” Please note, write down, and meditate on the fact that the term “exclusively dating” is a term used by fuck boys to give you a fake sense of security.

These three instances made me reevaluate the importance I played in this person’s life and I realized that I was basically functional and not instrumental. I basically was the second lead vocalist in this situation and no one wants to live a life that warrants that title. So, I laid my burdens at the altar and started my process of escaping from this state of purgatory. This included many containers of ice cream, wine and the occasional journey into the land of self love. I basically turned my life into a Chicken Soup for the Homosexual Soul. Remember that people will show you how to treat them, you just have to be observant and never forget the African American proverb from Chris Brown “These hoes, ain’t loyal.”

Govern yourselves accordingly.

Corey Townsend

Corey resides in the land of hobbits and homosexuals, also known as the District of Columbia. Being a firm believer in on-time rent payments, Corey has employed himself as a Social media strategist by day and a freelance writer by night. He also is a writer for an award-winning web series and connoisseur of all things brunch related.

  • I just barely escaped with my pride, dignity and sanity. These are the toughest situationships…he even said to me you fit the “girlfriend” “wifey” paradigm in my life, so if you’d like to introduce me as your boyfriend you can…but I don’t believe in titles. Like…you’re not gonna have me out here looking like Sybil, talking about “this is my boyfriend” while you introduce ME as “twi” nope…no way.

    • Wild Cougar

      I didn’t escape until my pride, dignity and sanity were destroyed, so consider yourself lucky. Thankfully I now have a legit bf so alls well that ends well.

  • Freebird

    if you are unhappy and not getting what you want from any relationship just leave. if the person is not saying our doing what you want….Just leave. Otherwise you are right where you need to be.

  • Dougie

    RIP to Myra Monkhouse tho. Steve was trippin trying to keep getting Laura Winslow. Myra was everything.

    • Man. Smart as Urkle was, he messed that all the way up.

    • Skye

      Man it use to piss me off Myra was so damn cute and funny did everything for the dude or at least tried to and he never even gaver he r a good glance as smart as they claim Urkle was the dude was a dumbass.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Urkel is the Black nerd who bemoaned about never getting the girl he wanted because she only likes thugs.

    • Val

      Really? I guess I was the only Laura fan.

      • Dougie

        Myra was the real MVP. She was so bad to me. I actually used to get frustrated watching Urkle get it wrong.

        • Val

          Poor Laura. No fans. Lol

          • I was a fan, Myra was a crazy bih and I wasn’t for it.

      • I can’t be a fan to someone who plays somebody relentlessly. I want better for our people. haha

    • Freebird

      that’s what he gets for being a tool.

  • Val

    The real problem with ‘situationships’ is they can cause you to miss out on an actual relationship. It can be lonely but if what you want is a real relationship then leave the ‘situationships’ alone.

    • PhlyyPhree

      *waves my tambourine*

    • I wanna be mad at this because the truth is too real, but then why be mad?

    • miss t-lee

      This truth you’re serving up.

    • Can I be in your wedding.

      • Val

        I’m having a courthouse wedding. But, you’re welcome to attend.

        • GlobeTracer

          What about me!! Lol

          • Val

            You are more than welcome! :-)

  • PhlyyPhree

    Get out of my life.

    The trick is when they only hit you with one or two of those things on the list. They call all day, text all night, gchat and skype in between, but you have no title. They give you theee best consistent chex ever AND they give it to you when YOU want it, but they dont really want to have a long drawn out discussion about “where this is going. Just let it be what it is”.

    The only thing I learned from this post, is that NOBODY out here getting #chose. It’s starting to look like I’ll be #ForeverAlone out here. Sigh.

    • This post is going to make me mad all over again lol

      • PhlyyPhree

        Why?

        • It reminds me of one of my situationships and how ol’ boy was telling me how he wasn’t trying to be in anything serious. 2 months after we cut ties, he’s in a full blown relationship taking heaux up in hot air balloons with fancy dinners after.

          I was HEATED at how I played myself like I did

          • Amber

            I’ve learned that when men say “I’m not trying to get serious” or “I don’t want a relationship right now…” i just add “with me” to the end of that sentence. They probably want all those things but they just don’t want it with me and that’s ok, I accept it and move on.

            • It took me YEARS to get over myself and stop taking things personally. I’m not for everyone and everyone is not for me. Realizing this has been a long process. Feeling like you’re everything a man/woman is looking for in a mate is not the same thing as actually being everything a man/woman is looking for in a mate.

              I wish someone had told me this sooner so I wouldn’t have to wind up looking like boo boo the fool for such a long time. At this point in life, unless a man explicitly tells me he’s looking to date, I just assume he isn’t and play things by ear. I’m done trying to win men over when they aren’t trying to be wooed.

              • QuirlyGirly

                *sings- everybody plays the fool, sometimes

                But you have grown from this experience. You have learned the lesson and can recognize the game that is being played that is what counts.

            • Jennifer

              It’s a cold lesson, but it’s so true.

            • PhlyyPhree

              The hardest thing I ever had to learn to do was add the “with me”. That “with me” always made me feel inferior or as if I’d done something wrong and wasn’t good enough.
              It wasn’t that, it was literally just not what they wanted and I had to learn that its ok for me to not float everyone’s boat

          • Val

            It hurt me just reading your comment. So I know how you must have felt. Sorry that happened to you.

          • tgtaggie

            I bet dude went down in flames 2mths later. lol

            • Ehh, life goes on, that relationship crashed and burned, hard.

              • tgtaggie

                lol. That how’s it usually end. I love perusing fb, instagram around the months of February-April. BC usually you see ppl posting ish about #icandobadbymyself, #baeaintish. But yet they was all in love around October-November. lol.

                • Man, post Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s break ups bring out the worst in people. Watching how people handle splits has given me a lovely blueprint for how I want to handle relationships in the future online. I won’t even put them online to save myself the headache.

                  • tgtaggie

                    +1. Social media is the kiss of death for new relationships. The only reason why ppl post “I’m so in luv with bae” pics on social media is to seek validation from others bc deep down they really know that person isn’t right for them. If it was real, you’ll let them figure it out on their own.

                    • Definitely. I’ve quickly learned that most relationships that are constantly plastered on FB, Twitter, IG, etc. aren’t as happy as said individuals would have them appear to be. I believe woman go hard online because they enjoy the thought of making other women jealous and parading around the fact that they aren’t single, which, is silly to me. Enjoy your man for you.

          • QuirlyGirly

            Was he with her while he was with you? Cause two months is a short amount of time to be taking chicks in hot air balloons and fancy dinners.

            • Most likely, we had one of those, “You can do what you want because we’re just chex” kind of arrangements. Either way, it still hurt.

            • tgtaggie

              I’m always weary of things like that bc that’s when somebody really gets hurt. Dude should’ve given himself time to get over Ruby and didn’t so he ended up like this:

          • Jennifer

            I will happily slash his tires for you today. Just give me a name and address.

            • Lol had you made this offer to me 3 years ago I would’ve said yes but now? No thanks :-)

          • PhlyyPhree

            Woo sah. I’ve been there only instead of fancy dinners and hot air balloons it was a house and a Lexus. It wasn’t even the material things that bothered me because I got my fair share, it was the fact that I felt as though I gave a decent effort and he looked at it and was like “nah I’m cool”. Only he didn’t discover that he was cool on me until AFTER I went through the motions for YEARS. But eh. You live and learn

            • Wild Cougar

              ooh…..I’m mad just hearing that.

          • Furious Styles

            How was that about you? See fellow VSB/S’ers comment about apples and oranges…

    • Wild Cougar

      There is hope *offers ice cream*

      • PhlyyPhree

        Is there? Is there really?
        Because I’m not trying to make it sound like I’m just out here destitute and I don’t believe that I’ll ever find love but….

        You know what, I’m just gonna eat this ice cream. Thanks

        • tgtaggie

          I know I’m a guy, a lot of times I feel just like this. Like I’m sincerely happy to see others find love, but have a really difficult time believing that it’ll happen to me

          • PhlyyPhree

            Yup. I have plenty of friends who have found genuine love and I’m overjoyed for them. I’m having the time of my life planning weddings and baby showers and bridal trips and bachelor parties. Right now, I just ever see me being the recipient of any of those parties so I’m just learning to deal with it.

            • tgtaggie

              I try to make myself feel better by telling myself to continue on working to be the best person I can be, enjoy the things that make me happy and bring me fulfillment. And one day the girl will walk into my life.

              • Val

                It’s true though. She will.

              • PDL – Cape Girl

                Mos def

            • QuirlyGirly

              I feel the same way. I am truly happy for my friends because they deserve it. I think all people deserve love if they want it but I just don’t think I will get it. So I work on being a better me and try not to get to caught up in the “I don’t have no one special” feelings that come.

            • fxd8424

              You will. Sometimes you have to “make” things happen.

              • PhlyyPhree

                Eh. I don’t want to “make” it happen. One of the things that we agree about is that if it happens, it was meant to be. I just don’t want to force a situationship into a more when it shouldn’t be. I don’t want someone to be with me because “well, she REALLY wanted me to”

                • fxd8424

                  What I meant was to put yourself out there more, step out of your comfort zone, which would create more opportunities.

    • -makes room on the Forever Alone couch-

      • PhlyyPhree

        Thanks. Apparently, we have ice cream

        • Oh trust, we do. I got 6 different flavors of Ben and Jerry’s and double A batteries on fleek. I’ve been in this club a while.

          • PhlyyPhree

            LMAOOOOOO! This made me laugh right before I started crying… Only because as I was looking for something in my closet this morning my economy pack of batteries fell and I realized I need to buy more.

            • LOL We gotta start taking monthly outings to Costco.

          • Jennifer

            Somebody got that Blue Bell?

            • We’ll add that to the shopping list at out next lonely spinsters’ outing.

              • Jennifer

                Cool. I’ll be there with a catalog of “products” for your batteries.

      • QuirlyGirly

        *walks over to the Forever Alone couch and takes a seat

        • I got some limited edition Pumpkin Cheesecake Ben and Jerry’s I’m willing to share.

          • QuirlyGirly

            Thanks Girl! *hands Sawyer my bowl

            I brought an assortment of cookies (oreos and chips ahoy) if would like to partake

    • QuirlyGirly

      Girl, you are speaking my life a few years ago. I wanted more, he didn’t but I continued to let the situationship linger. I knew better. Then I wised up and let it go. I was mad at him at first because- I am amazing- no really, I am but then I realized that I was mad at myself for not fully believing that I was worth better than a smash and dash. silly me but I am wiser now

      • PhlyyPhree

        You are definitely amazing and it’s awesome that you realized that lesson and got the better you deserve.
        In my situation, I don’t know what I want in sooooo many other aspects that it makes it hard for me to say what I want in THIS situation. It’s more about convenience BUT I get uncomfortable because if everything was right on my end, then it COULD work out perfectly and I don’t necessarily think our ideas of perfect align. So for now, it just is what it is because I’m not really pressed and it serves it’s purpose whenever I’m in town.

  • Ughhh…..

    It’s hard to admit to myself that I was a willing participant in these kinds of situationships. I am really adept at lying to myself (it’s actually quite scary). To date, I’ve lied to myself about no less than 3 situationships where I convinced myself that consistent chex, good conversation, and cordial exchanges in public was something I was ok with.

    It wasn’t. It never will be. I fooled myself into thinking I was compromising but I was, in fact, surrendering to the men I was involved with.

    I’d like to say I won’t ever do this again, but, I’m not in a position to say what I’ll “never” do until said situation arises. For now, I’m happy that I ain’t checking for nobody and nobody is checking for me. Life is easy. I can focus on what it is that makes me tick and brings me joy.

    • PhlyyPhree

      WHOOOOO!
      I literally was writing to myself last night and the topic was “Phree…STOP FUCKING LYING TO YOURSELF!”
      Alas, I have not stopped but that was less than 12 hours ago so maybe there is hope for me.

      Probably not. Meh

      • Jennifer

        You posted this an hour ago, so hopefully you’re up to 13 hours now!

        • PhlyyPhree

          A current photo of me:

          • Jennifer

            LOL! 14 hour mark!

      • You can do it!

    • MsSula

      We have all been there. Focusing on what makes you happy will bring about the right people; it sounds hokey but it’s true. You remind me A LOT of myself 10 years ago. I always thought I was “in control” until I wasn’t. Good thing is I was always able to walk away, heartbreak be damned. I took a break and focused on being happy and my friends and my life… It led me to big, life changing decisions(moving back home after living 15+ years abroad). And I can say life is pretty grand at the moment.

      So you are on the path. The clarity you have now will go a LONG way into how your next 5 years will shape up. (((Hugs)))

      • I wish I could take you out for coffee, tea, or whatever you prefer and just talk. You’re one of my favorite VSS’s. Thanks for the kind words!

  • Wild Cougar

    I love the way you write and how you know my life. Will you be my bestie? Check Yes or No. You probably already have a whole line of women waiting to be your bestie. Nevermind…… I think I just curved myself.

    • HAha

      Sorry he is my bestie. Get in line.

      • Wild Cougar

        bish…..

        • HAha

          HA!

    • PhlyyPhree

      But at least you shot your shot?

    • MsSula

      I absolutely love the way he writes!! Funny and insightful all at once. I may claim him as my bestie as well. Lolll.

  • aimerlavie90

    Good post. This hurt my stomach reading because it took me back to a time where I was not so smart but I’m glad I got out though.

  • …I missed the memo where situationships were supposed to, at least, provide euphoric relations. I’d like a do-over please.

    • PhlyyPhree

      Girl. If he doesn’t at least make you consider changing jobs, religions or zip codes, then why are you wasting your time? Get the most out of your least boo.

      • lol @ change religions. If I meet the guy that does that, I’m wifin him. But as for the situationship, that’s part of the delusion that makes you think it’ll change into something more. Like, well *clearly* this is about more than the physical.

    • Wild Cougar

      girrrrrrrllllll……..

    • miss t-lee

      Really?!
      That’s like the main reason you get caught up in the situationship.

      • -cries- I didn’t get the memoooo! At least it was easy to let go of lol.

        • Wild Cougar

          Don’t fret. Not all of us get caught up over chex. Some of us catch feelings because of the person. That’s a thing, don’t let these robotic folks tell you otherwise.

          • Kema

            I’ve gotten caught up because of the person as well but I couldn’t imagine being in that deep if the chex wasn’t AMAZING.

        • miss t-lee

          True. Silver lining and sh*t…lol

    • Jennifer

      Then what’s the point?

      • Convenience and compatibility, I suppose.

        • Jennifer

          For a second, I was feeling superior cuz my previous situationship involved some good loving. But — funk that — it was still a situationship. It was definitely more than FWB, but it wasn’t what I wanted. Still ended badly. Everybody has different needs.

          • I agree, different needs. The physical was pretty unimportant to me at that point.

    • it’s not a situationship if there’s no life altering shmanging

      • :( Okay, but friends with bennies-ship don’t seem to cover it either. I think it was a situationship just one that ran its course faster than I realized.

        • This is getting interesting – where are the details at? lol

          • Oh look, a bird! -runs-

            • LOL! Well if you’re ducking the details like that then it was DEFINITELY a situationship ^_^ congrats lol

  • Glockenspiel

    i was just talking to my girl about this…….smh. I was told about the levels to this dating ish. Level I: date multiple people and weed out the ones you can’t see yourself in a relationship with. Level II: exclusively date the one you weeded from the herd. Level III: if y’all make it this far, this is where the relationship begins. Caveat: no seshual intercourse is to be had until level III. Does this really work? Too rigid? Too much?

    • DCbornGAbred

      It’s entirely up to ya’ll and your relationship. Different strokes for different folks. My relationship didn’t follow that pattern but to each his own. The only thing that matters is that you two are on the same page.

    • PhlyyPhree

      Yeaaaaa nah. This sounds like a C-level adaptation of the Steve Harvey program and it’s 2015. People know better than that.

      • Glockenspiel

        HA!!

      • Epsilonicus

        Depends. It is smart if you know you catch feels easily from good chex.

        • PhlyyPhree

          No. There’s no one, no where who hasn’t caught feelings from chex. Good or bad, if it’s consistent, then you feel something about it. Either abstain or don’t, but don’t blame it on your feelings and don’t make it like it’s some golden ring that’s automatically awarded if you complete the requisite waiting period.

          • Epsilonicus

            “There’s no one, no where who hasn’t caught feelings from chex. ”

            False

            • PhlyyPhree

              Besides Todd

              • Wild Cougar

                I don’t catch feelings from chex. I don’t get the whole catching feelings from chex phenomenon. I do feel more affection for the person for a few hours. A few hours, 36 if it’s really, really amazing intimate experience. The chex itself doesn’t make me feel stuff.. I think people talk themselves into thinking they have feelings, to be honest.

                • PhlyyPhree

                  Hmmmm. Maybe. I saw something upthread about other things besides chex making you fall more into like with a person, so I can understand that. But chex (for me anyway) promotes closeness and releases phermones and hormones and all that other stuff, which create feelings and bonds. I don’t understand how you DON’T catch feelings unless you intentionally try not to.

                  • Wild Cougar

                    I get the feeling of closeness and intimacy and affection. The part I don’t get is doesn’t that wear off after a couple hours? I feel that in the moment. It just doesn’t stay and I go back to the state I was before the chex unless the person acts in a way to build on the affection.

                • it’s hormonal actually.

          • Julian Green

            Nah. It’s totally possible to have consistent chex with someone you don’t like.

            • Lea Thrace

              I am here to wholeheartedly disagree with you.

            • Wild Cougar

              not sure how that happens, but I’ve heard of people doing this.

            • Val

              Unhappily married couples do it all the time.

              • Freebird

                racist cops and politicians do it.

            • PhlyyPhree

              Why tho?
              I don’t want to let someone I DON”T like have that kind of access to my body. If I don’t like you, then there’s not enough great chex in the world to get over that. I’m just trying to get one off, not feel disgusted with myself or used in the morning.

              • Julian Green

                As to why, the best answer I can give you is: because you can.

    • I always advise my friends to delay as long as possible and build a friendship first. I know it’s good advice because I never take it and I’m a spinster. So.

      • Glockenspiel

        I think that’s that’s the piece that is missing when dating; the getting to know you as a friend first.

        • I agree. Being friends first was def a factor in my most successful relationship. But there was no arbitrary time or level when I decided to move into the physical. It just happened to work out. There was a lot of luck involved because I was just as young and green and dumb as ever.

        • Bingo.

        • tgtaggie

          The way the game is today, it makes it hard to do bc most ppl expect the physical to start in the 2-3 date.

          • Mika

            So i asked a question about this. and well, the resounding answer from men was 3-4 dates or one month. Ah nah.

            • That’s what they say they want— but deep down they appreciate the woman who will make them wait.

          • Glockenspiel

            Aaaand that’s where I scream “get the entire eff outta here”. I have to wait a few months to see if I can spot any herpes outbreaks……..

    • Ashia Sims

      I think making the physical stuff such a strong factor in whether your relationship goes from dating to serious is putting too much emphasis on one singular aspect of a relationship. There are other levels of intimacy that don’t have anything to do with the horizontal hula that are also quite important. You can be so focused on not giving up the goodies that you miss the other things like your ability to be silent together or how you feel when you see each other, among other small but important forms of intimacy.

      • Furious Styles

        “You can be so focused on not giving up the goodies that you miss the other things like your ability to be silent together or how you feel when you see each other, among other small but important forms of intimacy.”
        x100. Taking s3x off the table can ironically make the relationship about s3x.

    • Mika

      level one is legit the hardest level to pass……I thank God for the eye roll emoji as the key component in navigating through this level……..

    • Cleojonz

      my other comment is on hold because I accidentally spelled out Chex. What I said was:

      No, not completely. The steps are right, but it’s pretty unrealistic if
      you are a person who enjoys s*x to limit yourself that way. I have
      picked one of the multitude who becomes the s*x partner. You don’t want
      to be having s*x with multiple partners simultaneously anyway. Otherwise this strategy works pretty. It’s pretty much how I loved my life when I dated. I probably had the most fun ever when I finally took the time to worry about me and just date without trying to read into everything.

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