I had a lot of thoughts about the BET Awards. But because I’m Black, here are 10.
1. Fuck this is long. This is Easter Sunday long. This is record-breaking long. This is the kind of long that starts out cute but ends up being super annoying…and I watched it at home where I could turn off the television or change the channel. I can’t even imagine what it felt like to sit in the audience without commercial breaks. It begs the question though: how did it end up being so long? Pause.
I know they have meetings about these things. Did nobody in the meeting say, “hey guys don’t y’all think its going to take a little bit longer than the normal already-too-long three hours to do this show? Maybe we should scrap…something?” If somebody did, that somebody is probably sitting on the curb with the motherfucker who was trying to censor songs last night and failed miserably. That person was T-Boz acting in Belly bad. My television said “nigga” and “shit” more times at me than I care to remember. Hey, BET…that’s the FCC calling, they’d like to have a word with you.
2. Similarly, I’m sure Debra Lee would like a word with Nicki Minaj who received the last award of the night, The Viewer’s Choice Award, went up on stage but had no fuckin’ clue why she was there. The level of high and/or drunk she was was impressive. She went from not knowing why she was there to going into weird mode. To be fair, that award was past the three and a half mark. Nearly every Black person there was intending to get ALL THE FUCKED UP at some afterparty anyway and you know they were gonna start early. So, I’m giving her a pass. You can only look at an unopened bottle of Hennessey for so long, ya know. It ain’t gonna drink itself.
3. There was a Bad Boy 20th Year medley though I’m pretty sure Bad Boy is older than 20 years old, but whatevs. Anyway, Puff, Mase, Lil Kim, The Lox (minus Styles), Faith, 112, and French Montana were there. Shyne is obviously in Belize. But where the fuck was Craig Mack? The vast majority of people’s intro to Bad Boy was via Craig Mack. I know he’s saved now and shit but he is also still making music. I’m pretty sure he could have used that exposure. And where in THE fuck was Total? We had to listen to 112’s non-singing asses butcher “Peaches n Cream” (and yes, they sounded like pure shit). It’s only right to let Total butcher one of their songs too! Puff also fell through the stage. I’m gonna blame that shit on karma.
4. I truly believe BET hit Rihanna with the okey doke. They let her premiere a 1-minute trailer for her “Bitch Better Have My Money” video which comes out on Thursday. Except she had to wait for 3 and a half fucking hours to do so. Here’s my conspiracy theory: BET knows Rihanna is a draw. Just showing Rihanna in the audience, which they did a lot, is better than NOT having her. So I’m guessing they told her she could do it, but they didn’t tell her when and damn near four hours later…
She bad doe.
5. Ciara murdered that Janet tribute. Which is only because she didn’t sing. A dance tribute to Janet is amazingly fitting because it ain’t like Janet can sing either. But go on ahead Ciara and do your thing. I mean, you did your thing. And all hail Queen Janet who looked so damn good that I forgave her for being in those two Why Did I Get Married movies. Tyler Perry, do better. Sidenote: He was great in Gone Girl. Why has nobody ever mentioned how great he was in that movie? Oh, and was that Jason DeRulo up there with Ciara? And why?
6. Tracee Ellis-Ross continues to be bad as fuck. Good gawd.
7. I said a bunch of this shit on Twitter, but niggas swear they don’t like Big Sean. Meanwhile, Sean Don has more hits than a motherfucker. “IDFWU” was literally EVERYBODY’S personal anthem for at least three hours during the past year. “Blessed”? Folks are in church right now every Sunday ending their altar call prayers with “I’m waaaaaaay up, I feel blessed”. Shouts to Riley Curry, by the way. That might have been creepy. Point is, if you said your grace before dinner with the hook to “Blessed” would anybody really judge you? Probably not. Big Sean might deserve his own article.
8. Let’s talk about the final performance with included K. Michelle (why?), Tamar Braxton (even more why than K. Michelle), and Patti LaBelle (thank your Lord for creating Patti). Tamar sounded like pure trash. Her face looked a mess. K. Michelle can sing but, just no. Folks will stop trying to make her a thing when we’ve said over and over again that we don’t want her. They were so bad that Patti LaBelle came out there and screamed off key quite a few times, making up all kinds of notes that I’m sure don’t exist on a proper staff, and still sounded better than they did. I’m biased because Patti LaBelle MIGHT be one of my favorite people of ever. But still, anybody watching them would likely agree that we need not ever see Tamar’s ass again. And you can’t help but see K.Michelle’s ass.
9. As much as folks hate Chris Brown, we might as well go on ahead and accept it: he is probably the best accessory in urban pop music. He makes every song he’s on better and you can always put him on stage and he’ll do a good job dancing. No bullshit, Chris Brown and Drake are probably the two most valuable commodities in current Black music. For all of Chris’s shenanigans – and there are a plenty and likely to be more – the man is value added.
10. I’ve never been a fan of Smokey Robinson. I know, that’s on par with blasphemy and treason, but its true. Funny enough, some of my absolute favorite Motown songs are written by Smokey. And “Tracks of My Tears”? Lord…I love that song. Smokey sang his ass off up there last night. Much respect to the gawd.
I know y’all had more observations because you probably watched the whole damn thing like I did. What say you??
Talk to me.