10 Things Your Bitch Ass Better Not Do At Thanksgiving Dinner » VSB

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10 Things Your Bitch Ass Better Not Do At Thanksgiving Dinner

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20 years or so ago, Thanksgiving officially surpassed Christmas as my favorite holiday. Because that’s around the time “food” finally surpassed “new wallets and sweaters from The Gap” on my importance scale.

Anyway, if you don’t want to ruin it for everyone, here’s what not to do.

1. Undercook the turkey

Unlike other family gatherings where food is involved — Memorial Day BBQs, Juneteenth Clam Bakes, etc — the turkey acts as a singular fulcrum. Your 4th of July won’t be ruined if someone allowed their pug to shit on all the hot dogs, because there’s still steak and burgers and shit. But, although there will be other meats on the Thanksgiving table, the turkey is the main attraction. The Beyonce. And when its ruined, everything is ruined by default.

Also, you don’t want to serve people bloody Beyonce and have everyone leave with tongue gout.

2. Say the food will be ready at 4…and have it not ready until 7:46

If you’re like me, you starve yourself the morning of Thanksgiving. Because there’s no point in eating my customary hotcakes and shrimp if I’ll need all that room in my belly for 3 o’clock. Which is why you can’t be fucking with people’s emotions and hunger pains by making us wait for hours — sitting in front of a TV watching Hitch and eating honey roasted peanuts and olives and shit — because your bitch ass still don’t know how long it takes to smoke a ham.

3. Argue with your crazy as fuck family members

Look, we all know Aunt Ann has been batshit her entire life. She sprays OFF! indoors and her car has no rearview mirrors. So what good does it really do to confront her when she makes an offhand comment at dinner about Spanx and homosexual geese? You’re only going to see her once this year, so just shake your head and hide her OFF! when she’s not looking.

(Editor’s note: This was written a year before Donald Trump became President. And, if you have a batshit family member who actually voted for Trump, please argue.)

4. Bring some offbrand significant other

or

5. Be pissed that you, a person still in offbrand significant other status, did not get invited to your new beau’s family Thanksgiving dinner

Of these two, the latter is probably — no, definitely — the worst. Because if you haven’t been seeing each other long enough for people to ask him “Where’s Kim?” when you’re not there, you need to be eating dinner with your own offbrand-ass family. And no, Thanksgiving doesn’t count as a dinner date.

6. Come unannounced

Because, remember, this isn’t a cookout. You can’t just find a cooler or a pleasant Delta to sit on. Houses have space limitations. And silverware limitations. And you come without telling anyone, you will be sent to sit at the backgammon table, and you will be given a spork and a chopstick to eat with.

7. Bring people who clearly were not invited

If everyone in your house received an invitation — except for Uncle Ralph — it’s probably a sign that Uncle Ralph needs to stay his ass at house. Because Uncle Ralph is a thief whose Polaroid is on the fridge at Grandma’s house because the last time he came over for Thanksgiving, he somehow stole a box of Cheetos and the entire fireplace.

8. Be a vegan

Just no. Just stay home. Or go spelunking or deer racing whatever the fuck else vegans do when everyone else is eating and enjoying meat. But don’t come over and annoy everyone with your pretentious ass plate of seventeen peas and a tablespoon of seltzer water.

9.  Annoy anyone with your Black Friday plans

Black Friday shoppers are like Fantasy Football players. Because the only people who give a shit about the $446 flatscreens at BestBuy and Heath Miller’s ypc after contact are 1. other Black Friday shoppers and Fantasy Football players and 2. Kappas.

That’s the end of the list.

10. Bring your own food

Again, you have to remember that this isn’t a cookout. And cookout dynamics allow you to bring food other than the food being prepared to eat yourself. You’re still an ass when you do this. But it’s permitable. But don’t think that shits going to fly when you walk up in someone’s mother’s or grandmother’s house — after they’ve been slaving away since like Tuesday — with your own meat and vegetables because “your stomach doesn’t agree with most food.” Because you and your bitch-ass bag of couscous will either get a yam forced into your mouth or a foot forced into your ass when you’re kicked out.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    1, 2, 6, 7

  • Courtney Wheeler

    3, 6, 7 are active things in my family since 1978 I believe. So annoying. Makes me want to stay in my apartment and order Thai food.

  • [Insert Creative Name Here]

    So since you specifically pointed out vegans, that means ovo-lacto-vegetarians and pescatarians are still welcome, right? Good. Just checking.

    • Yes. And you’re on the Mac and cheese, since I know you have some EVERY Sunday and can hook it up right.

      • [Insert Creative Name Here]

        Damn real! Mac & cheese is my $hit

  • mochazina

    all kinds of truth.

    my favorite holiday pastime is collecting “cleanup” invitations so i can roll around with my backseat full of preordained tupperware and foil. yes, i won’t ever have to ask if you have foil for the plate you’re offering me. i have some, thanks!

    • miss t-lee

      My brother shows up with his own bag of rubbermaid containers, raring to go.

      • LMNOP

        I saw a car driving down the highway a day or two after thanksgiving with a giant cooler attached on one of those hooks you put a uhaul trailer on. A family that takes left overs seriously.

        • miss t-lee

          I respect it.

  • Vanity in Peril

    When a relative demands that they make the yams, greens, macaroni n cheeses, stuffing and they mk it nasty and they KNOW it’s nasty and now it’s too late for a second chance. I will let you know, “not my tempo!!!!”

  • Jaeda Laurez

    One, i fully expect that the food will be late, because black. So while I may not eat a full meal beforehand, I am NOT above a Wendy’s jr. bacon cheeseburger (no mayo) to tide me over until the turkey thermometer pops.

    • 2011k

      You betta PREACH!!!!

      • Jaeda Laurez

        I thought black folk ate late, and then I married into a South Asian family. All the kids basically get to eat and then go to bed LOL.

        • Glam Life

          Girl, yes. My SO is Filipino. We eat around 11:30pm every holiday we spend at his mom’s house. I actually miss eating Thanksgiving dinner at 4:30pm.

          • miss t-lee

            What are y’all doing the rest of the time? Drinking? Cards?
            I’m curious.

            • Glam Life

              I drink. We mostly watch TV. At my request, we just started arriving later after a few years.

              • miss t-lee

                Ah! Makes sense. :)

    • QuirlyGirly

      I had one of these this weekend and I must have caught a fresh one because it was juicy and the bacon was crisp! Man, that joint was *swoons and falls out of chair

      • miss t-lee

        This is rare.

        • IKR? My beloved Jr. bacon Cheesburger has gone the way of the McDouble in recent times.

          • miss t-lee

            So, so sad.

    • And maaaaaybe some french fries.

      • Wait a sec…

        Big Bird and Bow Wow from Roll Bounce had a baby?

      • Von

        ^^Who’s lightskinned Jeffery Daniel?

      • I would have been ALL on dat in the 70’s!! lmao

    • That Guy

      My brother told me that the family is planning to have dinner a little later this year. So I expect the turkey will be cut around midnight.

      • Get Your Life

        lmfao!

    • Michelle

      I have no shame. I will eat a burger right in front of the cook.

      • kingpinenut

        Savage level 11

      • ronnieh

        I need to do this. Got family that’s ALWAYS 1-2 hrs. late. From their parents, down to them. Dinner’s at 2. They show up 4:30/5:00. Just, DAMN!!!

  • Shonnie Kinsey Alves

    Dammit. I’m vegan.

  • miss t-lee

    2 & 3 are so, so real.
    I’ve already told myself that I’m not arguing with anyone this holiday. They start talking out the side of their neck, I’m going to the trunk to refresh my drink.

    • QuirlyGirly

      That is right- be above the foolishness this holiday season.

      • miss t-lee

        Girl…gotta pick them battles.
        Your family will be crazy forever. You already know that.

    • Jaeda Laurez

      My grandfather said “I don’t believe in cancer from secondhand smoke because pets don’t get lung cancer. You ever see a dog with lung cancer??” I just quietly ate my cornbread dressing, because WHAT?

      • miss t-lee

        I’m sorry, but this is freakin’ hilarious.

        And yes…just get another helping of dressing and gravy.

      • Unicorn Tears

        what?!?! I couldn’t even get upset at that comment because I would be too busy dying laughing!

        • Jaeda Laurez

          I looked at my brothers and sisters and we all had the “not sure what to do now, because that type of crazy should be corrected, but…” face. The silent consensus was “nah, leave it alone.”

      • your grandfather sounds maaaaaad oldschool lololol

        • Jaeda Laurez

          RIP, bless him, but yes he was lol.

          • awww, bless his heart- he sounds like he was a lot of fun ^_^

      • Pinks

        I learned very early on in life not to question anything old people did or said. My grandma is the queen of saying off the wall ish and looking at you like you the crazy one

        • miss t-lee

          Mine too…lol

      • Reemo

        I mean…that’s solid logic. Grandpa has a point

      • JennyJazzhands

        This is why I can’t wait for thanksgiving. My Nana is hilarious.

      • Londa

        I’m at work crying because of this. I’m really trying to keep my laughter down so I don’t disturb everyone one my side of the office. But, this is the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a while! Your grandfather…lol…priceless. He made my day. :-) (I just saw your note below. RIP to him and his wisdom. God bless you.)

    • she

      The trunk turn up…my favorite part of the holiday.

      • miss t-lee

        Already.

    • My family wouldn’t argue for Thanksgiving but there would be strange discussions.. The joys of a multiethnic family which spans from college professors to drug dealers are definitely an acquired taste. LOL

      • miss t-lee

        My family doesn’t really do “discussions”.

        • My family is so all over the map though. Looking back, it’s where I got my catholic personal tastes from. When one aunt is talking about church, one grandfather is talking conspiracy theory, the other one is talking about WWII and the Pacific Front, throw in some street life, basketball, computers and the general strangeness of Queens, and it’s an interesting experience.

  • Pinks

    You’d better not be one of the first people to sit yo funky a s s down at the table and you haven’t contributed anything to the meal! If you know you can only boil water for 10 minutes before it burns, stay in the living room until everyone else has made their plates and THEN go in for the kill. It’s always the ninjas who can’t cook for sh i t trying to rush up in the pot with their grubby hands.

    Also, if you haven’t cooked, don’t be coming in all loud asking who made what. You have no right to ask questions. None at all.

    • TeeChantel

      “Also, if you haven’t cooked, don’t be coming in all loud asking who made what. You have no right to ask questions. None at all.”

      For real. Every year someone comes in and asks, “Is there pork in this… you know I don’t eat pork”. Knowing they didn’t make anything on that table. Go sit down, sir.

    • Melissa

      You just served up piping hot truth!! I’m the only one who bakes in my family and I have that one aunt (actually, we all have THAT ONE AUNT) who has to wonder loudly every single damn time why she can taste lemon juice in the apple pie. It’s so the apples won’t look like a visual representation of Vivica Fox’s last three shreds of dignity by the time I’m done prepping all 8,000 pounds of them. Mind you, I stopped using the lemon juice in 2011. YOU CAN’T TASTE IT SHUT THE F*CK UP. *steps off podium* *slams auditorium door*

    • JennyJazzhands

      I never make anything and Nana insists that I eathink first because I’m the baby and she says I ain’t got enough meat on my bones.

      • JAB

        This is different. You are one of the exceptions. Grandmother’s word is law and, if she says you eat first, you eat first.

        • JennyJazzhands

          Yeah Nana thinks I’m po’ (southern slang for skinny) and she always makes me a plate when I come over. She is never convinced that I’ve eaten enough.

    • Unkel Ruckus

      Give thanks

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      If i’ve spent all week buying said food and ferrying such food preparers around town then I’m come into that kitchen every hour on the hour talkin’ at the top of my voice. Sheeit.

    • kingpinenut

      Whar my bacon at?????!!!

  • Squish

    I’m gonna go ahead and cosign this.

    I’m sitting back, watching football, and waiting for the annual 20-minute argument that turns into year-long resentment to happen.

    Just run me my yams, Fam.

    Just run me my yams.

    • Elena Cotto

      T-shirt, please. That is amazing.

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