Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

10 Things You Need To Know If You’re a White Woman Who Wants to Date The Type of Black Man Who’s Only Dated Black Women

***Before reading today’s entry, I just wanted to let everyone know that The VSB Files — Episode 006: It’s The Return…Again” — our latest and greatest podcast — is up and ready for mass consumption. Carry on***

From Jezebel’s “This Goldman Sachs Lady Will Teach You How To Date Black Dudes”:

Meet J.C. Davies! She’s a blogger, former investment banker, and the author of a book about inter-racial dating. In it, she addresses questions including, “Are Jewish men really cheap?” and “Are all Indian men well versed in the Kama Sutra?”

I’ll spare you the rest of the article, but I will answer what I’m sure is the most prominent question on everyone’s mind: No, this article wasn’t cross-posted from The Onion. She really does exist (Her book really exists, too)

Snark aside, although I question Davies’ sincerity (and, well, sanity) her book’s latent premise — people of different cultures and races have different dating patterns — isn’t incorrect. While I’m aware that each individual person is like a giant snowflake — complex, unique, and full of holes — it would be completely disingenuous not to admit that certain trends and characteristics are common with certain people.

My own experience has taught me that black women hate when raccoons get in their hair, club-hopping white women usually smell like Gap body spray and white privilege, and Pittsburgh-area Jews, well, I’m still not completely clear why Jewish people have their own separate category from regular ol’ non-Jewish whites. I know a bunch of Jewish men and women, and they aint all that special.

Anyway, I was feeling particularly altruistic yesterday, so I decided to help Davies out. But, since I can’t really speak for black men who regularly date outside of their race, instead I decided to give her — and any other non-black woman interested in dating a black man who’s never dated a white woman before — some insight about us.

1. Don’t try to impress us with your “down-ness”

When we’re with you, we want the full “white” experience (getting cabs easily, being allowed to pull hair during sex, understanding the appeal of “tipping”, understanding the appeal of Ice-T, etc).

No need to pull out the black and red t-shirts or the Polaroids of Chuck D signing your vinyl copy of “It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back” outside of a Memphis-area Jack in the Box in 1993. If we wanted someone “down” we’d still be with the mothers of our children.

2. You might think it’s cool, but it’s never a good idea to use racial epithets during sex

First, it’s degrading and demeaning. But, more importantly, our neighbors are likely to call the cops if they hear a distressed and high-pitched scream of “Don’t stab me with that jungle spear, you f*cking nigger!!!” coming from our apartments.

3. Don’t try to kiss us right after we just saw you French kiss your basset hound

While we love our pets as much as you do, kissing them is a bit much. What we really don’t understand is how the hell are you going to teach your dogs how to maul your infant nephews and nieces if you spend all that time actually being nice to them?

4. Don’t tell us about your Greek, Italian, or Irish ancestry

We don’t care, and it’ll remind us of the fact that the only way most of us can trace our ancestry is if we wrote “Our Ancestry” on top of some carbon paper and traced around it with a number two pencil.

5. We don’t like to be “surprised” by ultra-white whiteness

Put it this way: While regular, garden-variety whiteness is cool, “surprising” us with weekend trips to the Ozarks to meet your sister-cousins when we thought we were just going to Six Flags is totally uncool, and you need to do your very best to make sure you inform us of any possible engagement with ultra-white whiteness at least 4-6 months beforehand. Sh*t, we wouldn’t take you to the hood unless we gave you at least 4 to 6 months advance notice to get your passport, flu shots, and permission slips in order, so don’t think it’s cool and cute to “accidentally” miss a couple exits while driving to Seven Springs and end up deep in Appalachia.

6. If we’re out together and we ever happen upon a group of black women, don’t be surprised if we act like you have rabies for the next 5 to 15 minutes

As great as our relationship might currently be, if it ever ends — and we actually want to date a black woman again — we can’t chance getting branded with the “He dates white women” scarlet letter.

Basically, if we’re out together somewhere and they see us, just pretend you’re one of our colleagues or caseworkers. Make sure to always carry an extra clipboard or two around with you just to be safe.

7. If we’re out together and we ever happen upon a group of white cops, don’t be surprised if we act like you have rabies for the next 5 to 15 minutes

As great as our relationship might currently be, if we actually want to live to see another day, we can’t chance getting branded with the “He dates white women” scarlet letter.

Basically, if we’re out together somewhere and they see us, just pretend you’re one of our colleagues or caseworkers. Make sure to always carry an extra clipboard or two around with you just to be safe.

8. Although we won’t think this about you, we’re going to assume all of your girlfriends are easier than southern math

Don’t be surprised when your Facebook friends are perpetually inundated with requests from our friends. It’s a recession, and you can’t pass up a potentially prosperous fellatio pipeline.

9. Each of our penises have special powers

Some can dance and dribble basketballs. Others can sing and knit sweaters. We haven’t quite figured out why God gave us these powers, though, so don’t ask and just enjoy the show.

10. The best way to a black man’s heart is his stomach

But, since mint goulash and boiled chicken breast souffle aren’t exactly what the person who coined that cliche had in mind, in your case, the best way to black man’s heart is probably your wallet.

Men of VSB, did I miss anything?

Also, ladies, is there anything you’d like to tell a white man who wants to date a black woman who usually dates black men?

Lastly, I know we have quite a few non-black visitors. Is there anything you’d like to tell a black person interested in dating you, or any other non-black person, about you?

***Again, please don’t forget to check out The VSB Files — Episode 006: It’s The Return…Again” — our latest and greatest podcast***

—The Champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • Yonnie 3000

    What does white privilege smell like?

  • miss t-lee

    Wouldn’t the chick want you to stab her with your jungle spear? *snickering* mint goulash?? *dry heave* oh, and #4 has me just laughing and shaking my head at the same time. Sad but true.

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

    When we’re with you, we want the full “white” experience (getting cabs easily, being allowed to pull hair during sex, understanding the appeal of “tipping”, understanding the appeal of Ice-T, etc)… If we wanted someone “down” we’d still be with the mothers of our children.

    CTFU!!!!!! omg i hate you, Champikins *wipes tears from eyes*

    as for #6, i dont think ive ever seen or known a black guy who dated white girls ever be scared of running upon a group of sistas while with their snowbunny. in fact, the men seem to be even more bold, as if daring the sista(s) to say something so they can prove why they dont deal with angry black women *smh*

  • blknchina

    If you are a white man you wants to date any black woman.. do not and I mean never under any circumstances ask her if her cooch taste like watermelon..you will get hit with an empty goose bottle..

    And don’t fetishize too much on the booty..If I wanted a dude to be oilin up my booty for hours and smackin’ it..I’d be more comfortable with a brotha..
    thats all
    kthanksbai

  • fixedwater

    Bonus points if you can be genuinely offensive and genuinely funny at the same time.
    ^^^^let me give it a try, for white men trying to date a black women:
    1. dressing like emimem, will get the o_O: I don’t dress like that hood chick so Ima need you to dress more Capitol Hill than Anacostia (for the non DC familiar: think 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, WDC v. Martin Luther King Ave, any city USA)
    2. under no circumstances should you spank me during the nasty: i know my bottom is plush and inviting and it has you all starry eyed, but no matter how enthusiastically we may be getting it in, this is likely to cause my great, great, great grandmother to be channeled through me and cause me a POW-style flashback and you might get kilt (yes, kilt)
    3. while it may be inviting, do not play in my hair and start asking questions a la “how do you get it to do that”: first i am not a pet, second my hair is versatile. it can do many, many, many things be straighten, curled, and braided. just accepted it as an extension of my own super powers varied and extensive.
    4. let me decide: please refer to #2, to many declarative sentences or demands from you may begin to sound like orders a la “the massa” let’s just avoid the confusion
    5. you better have the good credit we expect you to have: i’m not crossing over for more of the same. i’m just sayin

  • http://hisandhersinks.wordpress.com Ashleigh

    The funniest VSB post I’ve ever read! Not carbon paper! Lawd help me I can’t take it! Did he say “What we really don’t understand is how the hell are you going to teach your dogs how to maul your infant nephews and nieces if you spend all that time actually being nice to them?”

  • http://iamyourpeople.com/ I Am Your People

    * Hmmm, does anyone know about the origins of the photo? I’m going to tentatively call it “Prelude to a Lynching.” On that note, shoutout to everyone in South Carolina honoring the 150th anniversary of the secession from the Union. Like Larry Wilmore, I’ll be at the Nat Turner Cotillion

    *”From Jezebel’s “This Goldman Sachs Lady Will Teach You How To Date Black Dudes”:

    Meet J.C. Davies! She’s a blogger, former investment banker, and the author of a book about inter-racial dating. In it, she addresses questions including, “Are Jewish men really cheap?” and “Are all Indian men well versed in the Kama Sutra?””

    Are you sure this isn’t on the Onion? Is there a rich white woman’s version of Baller Alert?

  • fixedwater

    so how long does moderation last *tapping fingers*

  • simplysope

    OHLAWD, basically I was rolling through this entire thing.

    “It’s a recession, and you can’t pass up a potentially prosperous fellatio pipeline.” #idied

    As far as advice for a white guy:

    Don’t treat me like something you can check off your bucket list. I’m not trying to fill your “F*ck a Black Chick” box, or the “Triple Points if she’s from Africa” bonus points box.

  • http://awordorthree.com Crystal Marie

    Very late, but The Champ is back. And he seems a tad bit more offensive than usual.

    Hmm. Not mad about it. Carry on.

    Oh and non-Black men interested in dating Black women should know that: a. Similarly to what the post said, we want you to be you. Not Paul Wall.
    b. Most of us don’t find offensive words like wench, bitch, slut appropriate. Gives us flashbacks to Sally Hemmings days.

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