Race & Politics

10 Things You Need To Know If You Ever Play Spades

picture-8Spades is the official card game of the African-American community.  I don’t want to hear about bid whist or gin.  I almost think it should be taught to little Black boys and girls since anytime I meet a Black person who can’t play spades…

…I don’t trust them and think their upbringing was lacking.

Spades is the kind of game people get stabbed over.  Friendships have been f*cked, relationships ruined, and new love interests have turned to utter disgust at their very sight.  This can happen all within a matter of seconds.

Thing is, all of this can be avoided – quite simply too.  You see, just like anything in life, there are rules to this sh*t.  Here are 10.

1.  Never ever ever ever ever overstate your spades abilities. More fights could be avoided if somebody didn’t front like they were better than they are.  If you’ve been playing spades for a solid 2 weeks, there’s no way you’re going to be able to team up with somebody who’s been playing for 10 years.  Stay in your lane, Hyundai.

2.  Because rules differ by region, ALWAYS MOTHERF*CKING ASK THE RULES IF YOU’RE NEW TO THE CREW THAT’S PLAYING. This serves two purposes: 1) you won’t be the reason your team loses because you “didn’t know” that the 2 of Diamonds trumps the 2 of Spades; and 2) you won’t have to say some stupid sh*t like, “well I didn’t know because we don’t play like that where I’m from” which will more than likely piss of your partner who assumed you knew since you probably pretended you could hang no matter where you were.  Don’t die behind the deuce, dumas.

3.  Do not be wrong on calling out somebody for renigging. Saying somebody renigged gets the same reaction as a white chick saying she was raped by a Black man in the 1800s.  Anger, disbelief, etc.  You better be right and you better be able to pick out the book that’s fugazi.  Saying somebody renigged is basically calling them liars.  In the wild West, it got you shot.  In Brooklyn, it might get you street sweepered.  Plus if you’re wrong, your partner pays the price.  Be sure, b*tch.

4.  Don’t talk across the board. You ain’t bleeding and and everybody knows what you mean when you start mentioning the Black B*tch.  You’re not fooling anybody.  Just stop it.  People have been shot for less.

5.  If you can’t take it, don’t dish it. Do not be the jacka** who stands up, sticks the cards to his forehead, and talks beaucoup sh*t when winning if you get all salty and b*tchmade when  your’e down 100, you Game a** ninja..  Real talk, I’ve seen fights break out because of trash-talking at the spades table.  I’ve also been involved in one.  I shouldn’t have slapped that dude with the Big Joker.  Oh well, we won.

6.  Play to win.  If you have Ace’s, lead with them.  Don’t try to get cute by starting out with a 10 of Hearts just to see what everybody else has like that’s a real strategy.

Speaking of…

7.  Learning how to properly count books and possibles is a skill.  (And everybody can’t do it). I HATE people who constantly underbid because they don’t know how to read their hand.  If you have 13 cards and only 1 of them is a Heart, well, you have CUT CARDS.  That means you probably have more books than you think.  On the other hand, if you have 6 spades, ranging from 3-8, well, you just might not have the 8 books that you think you do.  Plus, depending on where you’re playing, sandbagging might get you f*cked up in the game.

8.  Pay attention to the cards that are being played. More people suck at spades because they don’t know how to read the table.  Observation will get you everywhere.  Stop looking at the chicks who aren’t watching you watching you play.

9.  Make sure you know which Joker is the BIG Joker. This is important enough to get its own line.  I will be ready to fight you if you “think” you have the BIG Joker and you don’t.  Ask before you start playing dummy.  Then again, if I’d chosen my partner wisely,  I wouldn’t have had that problem.  Bitter daze.

10.  If you must be cocky and animated, PRACTICE YOUR DAMN CARD SLAP ON YOUR OWN TIME. I’ve mastered the slap-and-spin.  Whether on the table by itself or on top of other cards.  My cut-card will spin like its life depended on it.  Also, I like to get that nice crisp slap that just lets other people around know you just got your a** handed to you.  And I will slap the table with cards a lot.  I win, b*tch.

BONUS:  As with any game, if you lose, get your happy a** up off the table, say good game and congratulate the people who beat you.  Nobody likes the Lebron a** ninjas salty b*tches who can’t take losing with dignity.

These were just 1o of the general rules associated with playing spades and keeping your life.  What are the other rules people need to know about spades playing??

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://nextbigthing.blogsoome.com Hostess

    Just don’t play. I learned this rule after:

    1) being raised in the D where you will get stabbed, shot, and pissed on for messing up a hand of spades

    2) seeing a woman slap a grown ass man with a spiral notebook (used for scoring) over a spades game

    3) realizing nobody wins when Patron and spades happen at the same table

    Needless to say, I don’t play or encourage spades playing. I don’t allow people to play in my home either.

    • KingPineNut

      @Hostess,

      Damn straight…..lol hell naw…

      I’ll be the negro sippin something outside….

      on a diff note…i love bein back in dc these last two weeks!!!

    • KingPineNut

      @Hostess,

      Damn straight…..lol hell naw…

      I’ll be the negro sippin something outside….

      on a diff note…i love bein back in dc these last two weeks!!!

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      @Hostess,

      Psssshshshshst *eye role*

      Quitter

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      @Hostess,

      Psssshshshshst *eye role*

      Quitter

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Hostess, booooooooooo.

      and let’s be real, you can get stabbed, shot, and pissed on for more reasons than messing up a hand of spades in the D.

      i mean, it’s the D. it’s so cooold in the D, how the f*ck is anybody supposed to have peace??

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        @Panama Jackson,

        bwuaaahahaahahaha

      • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

        @Panama Jackson,

        bwuaaahahaahahaha

      • Gem…BeThatAsItMay

        @Panama Jackson,

        LOL good one

      • Gem…BeThatAsItMay

        @Panama Jackson,

        LOL good one

      • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

        @Panama Jackson, True. But playing spades increases the chances 13-fold.

      • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

        @Panama Jackson, True. But playing spades increases the chances 13-fold.

      • Rose

        shoooo, i know thass right.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Hostess, booooooooooo.

      and let’s be real, you can get stabbed, shot, and pissed on for more reasons than messing up a hand of spades in the D.

      i mean, it’s the D. it’s so cooold in the D, how the f*ck is anybody supposed to have peace??

    • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

      @Hostess,

      2) seeing a woman slap a grown ass man with a spiral notebook (used for scoring) over a spades game

      I have seen that too! Funniest. sight. ever.

    • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

      @Hostess,

      2) seeing a woman slap a grown ass man with a spiral notebook (used for scoring) over a spades game

      I have seen that too! Funniest. sight. ever.

    • AshleyNeicole

      @Hostess,

      by the D, do you mean Detroit? That’s what we call Detroit lol.

      • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

        @AshleyNeicole, Yes. The D is Detroit. It’s actually ‘The D, N-word! The D’. That’s the way they used to say it when I was stuck lived there.

        • AshleyNeicole

          @Hostess,

          LOL yes that’s my city!

        • AshleyNeicole

          @Hostess,

          LOL yes that’s my city!

      • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

        @AshleyNeicole, Yes. The D is Detroit. It’s actually ‘The D, N-word! The D’. That’s the way they used to say it when I was stuck lived there.

    • AshleyNeicole

      @Hostess,

      by the D, do you mean Detroit? That’s what we call Detroit lol.

    • Such a learning curve of life…

      OK, I’m white, but I play spades. I didn’t even know it was an African American rite of passage until I was watching Real Housewives Atlanta.
      I try to play nice. It’s taken me 20 years just to read the nuances of the table, and any one of you could probably kick my butt since I get a little ADD now and then.
      But my grown ass brother and sister have literally flipped the table, thrown things and stormed off cussing up a storm all in front of my then 70 year old mom.
      The thing I’ve noticed about Spades is that it is the most forensically autopsied game EVER. Every hand requires analysis and post hand discussions that take up more time than the game itself. And you’re always gonna have to play with your dickey older brother who expects you to be psychic.
      My main reason for coming here is that I want to know who the yahoos are that play Microsoft online spades. Are people really that stupid?
      Thanks for letting me crash your party.
      Black game maybe, but we white girls like it too.
      Thanks. Kathy

  • http://nextbigthing.blogsoome.com Hostess

    Just don’t play. I learned this rule after:

    1) being raised in the D where you will get stabbed, shot, and pissed on for messing up a hand of spades

    2) seeing a woman slap a grown ass man with a spiral notebook (used for scoring) over a spades game

    3) realizing nobody wins when Patron and spades happen at the same table

    Needless to say, I don’t play or encourage spades playing. I don’t allow people to play in my home either.

  • http://www.satyasslant.blogspot.com Satya

    Do not under any circumstances stop the game so you can:
    -get another drink
    -call your boo
    -use the bathroom
    -or any other tom foolery.
    Handle bidness before the game begins

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Satya, stop a game? i’ve never even heard of such f*ckery. in fact, during the summer before my freshman year of college, i was in a summer program. one night, me and the 3 other chaps who were playing spades, literally played from 10pm until 7am the next morning b/c folks kept getting set…and peep this, we were ONLY PLAYING TO 300.

      it took us 9 hours to finish one game.

      the funny part is, one of my boys was there when we started, went to sleep, came down the next morning like, “damn, y’all ninjas are STILL playing?? that’s dedication.”

      • http://www.satyasslant.blogspot.com Satya

        @Panama Jackson, lol, at my cousin’s bbq one player tried to stop the game to call his woman. He barely escaped a whuppin for even suggesting it. And at another party someone tried to say hold the game so the could refill their drink…NEGATIVE. the game does not stop for anyone

      • http://www.satyasslant.blogspot.com Satya

        @Panama Jackson, lol, at my cousin’s bbq one player tried to stop the game to call his woman. He barely escaped a whuppin for even suggesting it. And at another party someone tried to say hold the game so the could refill their drink…NEGATIVE. the game does not stop for anyone

      • Geezy

        First off…. How the fuck does a game to 300 take 9 hours?! 2 sets and that game shoulda been done! Amateurs!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Satya, stop a game? i’ve never even heard of such f*ckery. in fact, during the summer before my freshman year of college, i was in a summer program. one night, me and the 3 other chaps who were playing spades, literally played from 10pm until 7am the next morning b/c folks kept getting set…and peep this, we were ONLY PLAYING TO 300.

      it took us 9 hours to finish one game.

      the funny part is, one of my boys was there when we started, went to sleep, came down the next morning like, “damn, y’all ninjas are STILL playing?? that’s dedication.”

    • http://blackcynic.com/blog T. Troy Stewart

      @Satya, I don’t care if Halle Berry my partner…she better come to play or take her butt home to that Himbo he-concubine/sperm conceptacle she shackin’ with…and that means, no calls from your agent or Dave Justice and Eric Benet saying that they sorry…again, no potty breaks, no signing autographs, drunk @ss Uncle Leonardo can wait with his dirty old man self and NO bragging about your stank Oscar for that jiveassed Monster’s Ball low grade dog food mess…shut up and bid, Halle!

      • Gem…BeThatAsItMay

        @T. Troy Stewart,

        lmao wowsers

      • Gem…BeThatAsItMay

        @T. Troy Stewart,

        lmao wowsers

    • http://blackcynic.com/blog T. Troy Stewart

      @Satya, I don’t care if Halle Berry my partner…she better come to play or take her butt home to that Himbo he-concubine/sperm conceptacle she shackin’ with…and that means, no calls from your agent or Dave Justice and Eric Benet saying that they sorry…again, no potty breaks, no signing autographs, drunk @ss Uncle Leonardo can wait with his dirty old man self and NO bragging about your stank Oscar for that jiveassed Monster’s Ball low grade dog food mess…shut up and bid, Halle!

  • http://www.satyasslant.blogspot.com Satya

    Do not under any circumstances stop the game so you can:
    -get another drink
    -call your boo
    -use the bathroom
    -or any other tom foolery.
    Handle bidness before the game begins

  • Ms. Hall

    I hear you Hostess.

    My first boyfriend was a great Spades player and the worst winner in the world. He was a loving Dr. Jekyll most of the time. But when we played Spades he turned into a patronizing, ish talking, jacka33 Mr Hyde. I hated him during those games and would often leave the table humiliated and disgusted with him. I swore off the game if for nothing else than to save our relationship. Now, I can’t even stand to watch people play.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Ms. Hall, Now, I can’t even stand to watch people play.

      i feel this same way about backgammon. only, not at ll.

      • Ms . Hall

        @Panama Jackson,

        Have some compassion Panama. I was traumatized.
        **walks away misty-eyed**

      • Ms . Hall

        @Panama Jackson,

        Have some compassion Panama. I was traumatized.
        **walks away misty-eyed**

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Ms. Hall, Now, I can’t even stand to watch people play.

      i feel this same way about backgammon. only, not at ll.

    • Carlitos

      @Ms. Hall,

      I need to play THAT nicca!!! No… I need that nicca on my TEAM!!! Might wanna update my AIG policy first though….

    • Carlitos

      @Ms. Hall,

      I need to play THAT nicca!!! No… I need that nicca on my TEAM!!! Might wanna update my AIG policy first though….

  • Ms. Hall

    I hear you Hostess.

    My first boyfriend was a great Spades player and the worst winner in the world. He was a loving Dr. Jekyll most of the time. But when we played Spades he turned into a patronizing, ish talking, jacka33 Mr Hyde. I hated him during those games and would often leave the table humiliated and disgusted with him. I swore off the game if for nothing else than to save our relationship. Now, I can’t even stand to watch people play.

  • http://singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Jac

    Hm..for people like me I say just don’t play.

    I have no idea wtf I’m doing and let me admit another staple of young black America.

    i knownothingbouttupac

    V. Renee can prolly read that.

    • V Renee

      @Jac,

      Et tu Jac????

      You taking shots, and know nothing about Tupac?

      You need to get your priorities in order.

      ::snatching your Black card away::

    • V Renee

      @Jac,

      Et tu Jac????

      You taking shots, and know nothing about Tupac?

      You need to get your priorities in order.

      ::snatching your Black card away::

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Jac, how does one make thru life and not know anything about ‘Pac? little kids in Mongolia know about ‘Pac. motherf*cking snuffelupagus knows about ‘Pac. i swear i heard him say “picture me rollin'” when he started rollerskating down Sesame Street.

      gangsta.

      • Gem…BeThatAsItMay

        @Panama Jackson,

        motherf*cking snuffelupagus knows about ‘Pac. i swear i heard him say “picture me rollin’” when he started rollerskating down Sesame Street.

        u stoopit. lmao

      • Gem…BeThatAsItMay

        @Panama Jackson,

        motherf*cking snuffelupagus knows about ‘Pac. i swear i heard him say “picture me rollin’” when he started rollerskating down Sesame Street.

        u stoopit. lmao

      • AshleyNeicole

        @Panama Jackson,

        *dead*

      • AshleyNeicole

        @Panama Jackson,

        *dead*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Jac, how does one make thru life and not know anything about ‘Pac? little kids in Mongolia know about ‘Pac. motherf*cking snuffelupagus knows about ‘Pac. i swear i heard him say “picture me rollin'” when he started rollerskating down Sesame Street.

      gangsta.

  • http://singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Jac

    Hm..for people like me I say just don’t play.

    I have no idea wtf I’m doing and let me admit another staple of young black America.

    i knownothingbouttupac

    V. Renee can prolly read that.

  • SouthernGirl

    lololol. my cousins taught me how to play when i was a kid so it always amazes me too when people don’t know how to play. and you ain’t neva lied about No.1. or No. 3.

    a few years back i was at a family gathering with my boy, i think it was around mardi gras time, and they decided to play spades. why they decided to let him play after he was all wishy washy about whether he knew how to play or not, me no know…..well, i think the other team thought it would be an easy win/sh!t talkin’ fun time.

    anywho, after i wiped the look of shock off of my face at his lack of knowledge and i gave him a quick tutorial, the game begins. i’m trying to help him read his hand and call his books. then they’re like, no you can’t help him so i sit back and shut up.

    then i saw it happen and all i could do was put my head down. he cut hearts with a spade when he had hearts in his hand. of course he gets called out later, shouting ensues and his uncle (and parter) is all, why didn’t you say something? well, because ya’ll told me to stay out of it and i explained that sh!t to his @ss before the game started. and props to No. 8 and paying attention, a family friend on the opposite team was like, didn’t you see her put her head down?!?!

    *sigh* how he messed up that game followed him for years.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @SouthernGirl, non-observant people, in general, baffle me. perhaps its partially my own upbringing but i’m always aware of my surroundings and what’s going on. i watch the board like a hawk and read the people i’m playing.

      plus, it increases my a**hole factor exponentially on the spades table when i’m in the zone and i can read your own hand better than you can.

      “go ahead, its okay. you might as well play that card now since you don’t have sh*t else. in fact, play your little joker first so i can eat it up, THEN play that deuce of spades…it doesnt matter. i’m better than you. you embarass me. you embarass yourself.”

      lol.

      • V Renee

        @Panama Jackson,

        Yeah I feel like you’ve said that verbatim.

      • V Renee

        @Panama Jackson,

        Yeah I feel like you’ve said that verbatim.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @SouthernGirl, non-observant people, in general, baffle me. perhaps its partially my own upbringing but i’m always aware of my surroundings and what’s going on. i watch the board like a hawk and read the people i’m playing.

      plus, it increases my a**hole factor exponentially on the spades table when i’m in the zone and i can read your own hand better than you can.

      “go ahead, its okay. you might as well play that card now since you don’t have sh*t else. in fact, play your little joker first so i can eat it up, THEN play that deuce of spades…it doesnt matter. i’m better than you. you embarass me. you embarass yourself.”

      lol.

  • SouthernGirl

    lololol. my cousins taught me how to play when i was a kid so it always amazes me too when people don’t know how to play. and you ain’t neva lied about No.1. or No. 3.

    a few years back i was at a family gathering with my boy, i think it was around mardi gras time, and they decided to play spades. why they decided to let him play after he was all wishy washy about whether he knew how to play or not, me no know…..well, i think the other team thought it would be an easy win/sh!t talkin’ fun time.

    anywho, after i wiped the look of shock off of my face at his lack of knowledge and i gave him a quick tutorial, the game begins. i’m trying to help him read his hand and call his books. then they’re like, no you can’t help him so i sit back and shut up.

    then i saw it happen and all i could do was put my head down. he cut hearts with a spade when he had hearts in his hand. of course he gets called out later, shouting ensues and his uncle (and parter) is all, why didn’t you say something? well, because ya’ll told me to stay out of it and i explained that sh!t to his @ss before the game started. and props to No. 8 and paying attention, a family friend on the opposite team was like, didn’t you see her put her head down?!?!

    *sigh* how he messed up that game followed him for years.

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