Featured, Lists, Race & Politics

10 Things Worse Than Slavery, According To Ben Carson

While on Meet the Press last weekend, unintentionally ironic neurosurgeon Ben Carson compared abortion to slavery, stating During slavery, a lot of the slave owners thought that they had the right to do whatever they wanted to that slave. Anything that they chose to do. And what if the abolitionists had said, ‘I don’t believe in slavery. I think it’s wrong, but you guys do whatever you want to do.’ Where would we be?

I imagine many of you are reading this and wondering how and why Carson felt the need to make that analogy. Some of you might have even re-read my previous paragraph twice, just to make sure you weren’t missing anything. And I’m sure a couple of you even googled this quote, just to make sure it wasn’t taken out of context. If you did any of this, you did it because you’re a sane person. And, like most sane people, you probably have trouble understanding why quasi insane people do and say the things they do and say.

Unfortunately, your efforts will be in vain. Because trying to understand why Ben Carson connected abortion to slavery is like asking a box of Pampers Swaddlers for directions to Detroit. All you need to know is that, for whatever reason, Ben Carson likes to compare stuff he doesn’t like to slavery. For instance, here are his thoughts on Obamacare in 2013:

“Obamacare is really, I think, the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery”

And here are a few more times Ben Carson may or may not have compared something he didn’t like very much to slavery.

1. Ben Carson on season two of The Wire

“If you’re going to binge watch The Wire — and I recommend that you do — you should probably skip season two, because the way they shift the focus from the streets to the ports is like slavery.”

2. Ben Carson at Wingstop when they brought him blue cheese for his wings instead of ranch dressing

“I clearly asked for ranch. But you trying to bamboozle me with blue cheese — which shares some aesthetic similarities to ranch dressing, so I could have easily been fooled — is worse than slavery.

3. Ben Carson on oral sex

“Look, there are certain places on the human body a mouth is not supposed to go, and if you require me to do that to fulfill my bedroom obligations, you might as well make me a slave.”

4. Ben Carson on waiting in line for the Megabus even though he preordered a ticket that said he didn’t have to wait in line

Megabus tricks you into buying a ticket early because of promised perks, but switches things up once you get in line. Do you know who else that happened to? East Africans during the transatlantic slave trade, that’s who.”

5. Ben Carson on the Dallas Cowboys still receiving nationally televised games despite having a terrible record

“I’m always forced to watch the Cowboys if I want to watch a 4pm NFL game. When Tony Romo and Dez Bryant are playing, it’s not like slavery. But, when they’re injured, watching the Cowboys when I could be watching the Bengals or the Cardinals is definitely worse than slavery.”

6. Ben Carson on recycling

“A thousand years from now, no one will be able to tell the difference between old Pepsi cans and the leftover vegetarian pasta I finally decided to throw away. But today, I have to put them in separate garbage cans. Slavery won’t seem so bad a thousand years from now either, but we know it is today.”

7. Ben Carson on the concept of gravity

“I want to fly. Forcing me to exist in an atmosphere where I’m unable to fly is like putting chains on me. Figuratively and literally. Fuck you, Einstein.”

8. Ben Carson on his spades partner continually underbidding

“We should have 300 points by now. But because you don’t know how to bid, we only have 210. I can’t switch partners mid-hand, though. This is slavery.

9. Ben Carson on a pair of pants he’s been looking for for a few hours but can’t find

“I never know what my wife is doing with my pants. Attempting to find them is like being in a slave auction.”

10. Ben Carson on making sense

“Look, just because you have your own versions of facts and your own understanding of sanity does mean I have to share your beliefs. In fact, asking me to use the same facts you do instead of inventing my own is no different than asking me to be your slave.”

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • YeaSoh

    Yeah he lost all my respect with dat one… Blue cheese is duh sh*t!

  • cakes_and_pies

    I think his wife’s singing has permanently damaged his hearing and he can’t hear his own voice anymore. Or he’s had a series of mini strokes. Something ain’t right with that boy.

    • uNk

      She definitely scarred my hearing

      • Kristen Berry

        I’ll never hear another joyful noise again after that foolishment.

  • SirKnows DevoidofPunk

    This is greatness, Damon.

    Tho I don’t believe Ben Carson plays spades… that’s too much like regular blackety blah people stuff. Now Bill Clinton has played spades. Joe Biden has prolly slapped a book or two on a folding table and knocked over someone’s Heineken in the process

    Also, my other problem with this list is that it pales in comparison to the number of things Ben Carson has ACTUALLY officially compared to slavery including:

    Increased Gun control (compared that to slavery and Nazis)
    Obamacare (worse than slavery)
    Obama Administration
    Education reform.
    The IRS.

    He’s actually compared all those things UNFAVORABLY to slavery.

    • 2011k

      Education reform is worse than slavery??? Alrighty then, Ben, I see what kinda ninja you are….

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Ben Carson is probably one of those guys who’d probably be the person behind the spike of syphilis infections when he gets to a nursing home.

    So that’s how I look at his current standing in the public eye.

  • -h.h.h.-

    shoutout to DR Carson leading Trump in the Republican polls! #BlackExcellence

    • http://i.imgur.com/G36ctJr.gif

      George W. seems like an intellectual nowadays.

      • SirKnows DevoidofPunk

        2 terms… that lousy sheisty summabish got two terms….

      • Asiyah

        that shoe throw was so epic. My goodness I have fond memories of that!

      • CrankUpThe_AC

        Lmao that shoe throw will never not be hilarious. The velocity with which it was thrown spoke to me. It said “man f*ck outta here with that ole bull*hit”

  • LOL I went away for my birthday an missed a lot :(

    • 2011k

      Happy late birthday!

      • ^_^ Thank you!!!

        • 2011k

          You’re welcome! I hope it was everything that your Scorpio heart wished for *insert heart eye emojis here*

          • LOL it was great! Friendships were cemented…I can’t ask for more.

    • bigheadbaby

      Blink up in here for a couple of days, they will have built whole sarcastic cities in the sand. A tidal wave of commentary comes in and washes them out to sea. I be like, wait…I had to work, eat, sleep and pee and I missed the convo…but I had something very witty to say! LOL But the conversation is over. Then they take the sand and build some more cities. Low tide and you are back to help us build that city! Happy Birthday to you!

      • LOL thanks! I was waiting with bated breath for Agatha’s next column…and of course it comes when I’m at the lakehouse for my bday…oh well it was still entertaining.

        • LMNOP

          Happy Birthday!!

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      So what we finna do to keep celebrating for you?

      • LOL I don’t know…but between family, friends, trips to lakehouses and a needy cat I’m pretty beat. Can we celebrate with ACTUAL netflix and ACTUAL chill…not the other thing? I need a moment.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          I’m good with that. I’m not even living up to my Scorpio myth when it comes to the other Netflix & chill, not even caring right now.

          So fine, a good movie, great liquor, good food. Let’s eat and drink like fatties and watch whatever because we are stuck to the couch.

          • LOL exactly. I usually would have arranged some birthday s e x but he hit me up and I was like “yea…I’m probably not even about to be entertaining…maybe in a few days…I need to rest” LMAO

    • PhlyyPhree

      Happy birthday !!!

    • Asiyah

      Happy Birthday, Twilisha!

  • bigheadbaby

    Bwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhh! Much needed levity. These fools have me thinking the glass is half empty sometimes. Be blank staring some days wondering where all this stupidity comes from. VSB keeps me on half-full…thanks!

  • 2011k

    But I’m still trying to figure out what his actual point is though…

  • Wucie

    Ben Carson’s ignorance and general ain’t sh!tness know no bounds, every time he opens his mouth I cringe. That a lot of people continue to support Carson is both disappointing and baffling.

  • htxgoodfella

    We joke, but these are actual candidates running to actually be the president…

    • The line between satire and reality is dangerously thin.

      • htxgoodfella

        I had to tell a coworker one day, “If you are going to seriously look me in the eye and try to convince to consider Donald Trump for President, I’d rather you shut the f up talking to me for the rest of your life!”

        • I thought I had to get a little to real with Romney supporters 4 years ago. It’s really about to go down this time around.

          • The difference with Romney is that not only did he get elected governor of a pretty liberal state as a conservative, he actually accomplished things in the process. He’s light years ahead of Trump and Carson. He would have fit as a president, even if you disagree with him.

            • Mitt was the most liberal Republican we have seen in some time. If he didn’t pander to his base the entire election he might have actually won.

        • Echo

          The place I work I am definitely in the minority when it comes to managerial roles. When politics come up I excuse myself so I won’t be walking around visualizing myself choking the ish out of people I thought I liked last week. The day after Obama was elected the air was so thick here I pretty much just walked around singing Jezzy in my head all day smirking and wouldn’t say a thing about the election.

          • htxgoodfella

            Oh yeah, they know when not to talk around me.

          • inYOface

            Echo, where is your office … cause while you might not work in my department … oh, you work HERE!!! it was silent in here, the fridge was the only thing above silence. It was pathetic, and I loved every single solitary moment of it … and was mad when 4:30 arrived. Next to my wedding, and my kids, it was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!! #thedayafterbothelections #Obama2016 #YepISaidIt

            • Echo

              LMAO I feel you!!! I was smug than a mug that day!

        • Denise Johnson

          I’ve trained my white not to be ignorant.

    • Deeds

      Yea, and its kinda scary.

    • Denise Johnson

      Our options: laugh or die.

      • htxgoodfella

        I used to laugh at George W. all the time. After 2002, that ish wasn’t no mo.

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