Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

10 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex

"Son, I just wanted to show you first hand that there are, in fact, other fish in the sea. Hopefully my ridiculous jeans don't distract you from that point.."

The last couple days of VSB — writing a “fatherly advice” piece for my teenager daughter, and following it up with something for a son the next day — was a plan I’ve had in mind for a while. I thought they’d be pretty well-received and relatively easy to write, and it’s a topic everyone — parent or not — could relate to in some way.

Anyway, with this in mind, I sat down yesterday afternoon ready to write the post about the son, expecting it to be as “easy” as the daughter piece was, but something unexpected happened: It dawned on me that there were actually two completely different sets of dating and relationship tips I could give him:

A) 10 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex If I Want Him To Be Thought Of As A “Nice” Guy, and…

B) 10 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex…If I Want Him To Actually Be Happy

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that you can’t be a nice guy and completely happy at the same time. It’s possible and shit. And, for the sake of the entire community, it’s probably the best way to go. I imagine that cities like Portland and Charlotte are full of happy nice guys, and, if I had a G-IV, I’d definitely fly there whenever I wanted to hit an organic farmer’s market

But, giving my son the same type of “look out for your own self-interests first” type of advice I gave my daughter yesterday — which is what I’m about to do — creates a guy that, while he can still very well be a “good” guy, fathers would probably advise their daughters to avoid. “Woman dating with her best interests in mind” seems to = “empowered” while “man dating with his best interests in mind” seems to = “asshole.

Oh well.

1. Do not even entertain the thought of being married or having children until you’re (at least) 34 years old. 

Now, I realize this doesn’t seem like ground-breaking advice. You’ve probably heard the same thing from your mother. But, what makes what I’m saying different is that while your mom wants you to wait until you’re fully mature and ready to be a husband and father and blah, blah, blah, I’m advising you to wait for one reason: Options.

Why 34? If you take advantage of the great genes your mother and I passed on to you and live the life you’re supposed to, by the time you reach that age, you’ll be successful enough to have some sort of social and/or financial status. And, if you take care of your body, you’ll still be youthful enough to really enjoy it. If you accomplish these things, you will have a better and more attractive range of romantic options than you will at any other point in your life. Asking you to wait until then to choose a life partner is me just wanting you to make the most informed choice possible. You don’t want to be the guy who puts all his chips in too early and then gets all unsettled and unhappy when realizing he could have gotten a better deal if he just waited.

I know you like sneakers, so think of it this way. Why shop at Foot Locker when you can drive a few more miles and hit the Nike Outlet instead?

2. The best, and most consistent way to get women to want to sleep and/or be with you? Act like you don’t really care about whether you’re able to sleep and/or be with them.

This may be the most difficult thing on the list to grasp. Even grown men aware of this truth have trouble pulling it off, as doing this is the equivalent of taking a starving man to the Cheesecake Factory and asking him to act like he’s not hungry.

But, as history has proven time and time again, your success with women is usually directly correlated to how unfazed you are by them. Also, the more beautiful the woman, the more you should probably act as if you barely even notice her beauty.

3. During high school or college, there’s a chance you might be attracted to a woman who attempts to coerce you into doing “boyfriend” duties (hanging out, being a confidant, eating salads with her and shit, etc) without any actual boyfriend pluses (sex). Do not fall for this trick.

You may be tempted to think that just hanging around and being the friend will assist you in finally getting some. It will not. The longer you stay around and continue to volunteer to take her panties to the laundromat, the less likely she’ll consider you to be a romantic option.

If you’re not careful, it may even get to the point to where she’ll complain to you about her man problems — in graphic detail, no less — despite the fact that she knows you’ve been pining away like a…pining-ass motherf*cker. If this happens, dead all contact with her, and  also make sure to steal all of her remote controls.

4. First dates should always be fun. And cheap.

This is your opportunity to set the tempo for the entire relationship. It’s also your chance to vet and see if she’s the type of asshole who needs a $90 steak in front of her to have “fun.”

5. There are thousands of reasons why you should always practice safe sex, and I’m sure you’ve heard each of them before. Here’s one I’m pretty sure you haven’t: Playing the pull out game always makes you feel like an idiot.

I’m not going to lie to you. Unprotected sex does feel indescribably better than wearing a condom. No sense in bullshitting you about that. But, the jump in feeling pales in comparison to the prolonged awkwardness you’ll feel when going raw, pulling out at the last moment, wondering if you pulled out in time, wondering how the hell you managed to cum on her knee, pausing this intimate moment to perform post-coital clean up, wondering if you pulled out in time (again), getting back in bed after the clean up and finding out the hard way that you didn’t do a very thorough clean up job, and feeling bad because you’ll start asking yourself if you’re too damn old to playing the gotdamn pull-out game.

6. Only sleep with women who have something to lose.

Hoodrats and hoochies can (definitely) be sexy, but 5 to 25 minutes of pleasure isn’t worth the considerable potential downside if things go down hill. Basically, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have casual sex with a woman who’d consider it the best day of her life (and the lives of everyone in her family, including her son) if you happened to get her pregnant.

7. The grass is never greener.

Although all women have their own personal quirks and idiosyncrasies to go along with some physical differences, there isn’t much variance about what makes them them. Seriously, if you took 100 random men from Jakarta and 100 random guys from Jacksonville and asked them to list the 10 things that most annoy them about their wives, the lists would look exactly the same.

I’m bringing this up because there may be a point in one of your relationships where you experience a bit of malaise and start fantasizing about how things would be with someone else. When this happens, remember that a relationship with whoever you’re fantasizing about will eventually reach the malaise stage too.

This leaves you with two options

A) End relationships as soon as they leave the honeymoon stage (not the best option)

B) Make sure you commit to the right person so that your love for and attraction to her will help you deal with the inevitable “meh” period (the best option)

8. Smell good.

I didn’t pay much attention in the anatomy and physiology course I took my freshman year in high school, and the way women respond to a guy who smells good definitely makes me think that I must have fallen asleep on the day they explained that a woman’s nose is directly connected to her vagina.

9. It may not seem this way when it happens, but breaking up with a woman can be one of the kindest things you can do as an adult

Look, while we can dick around until we’re in our 40′s and still end up finding a wife and building a family, (generally speaking) women just don’t have that same luxury. If you’re in a situation where you know things probably aren’t going any further and she’s at an age where she’s expecting them to, end it. Shit, even if it’s a good relationship, end it.

You’ll both feel like shit for a while, but you both will eventually get over it and realize it was in both of your best interests.

10. From now until the day you die, your penis will be fighting a never-ending battle with your brain to see who will lord over your body, your decision making, your choices, and your future. You cannot let your penis win, but you also cannot let anyone shame you into feeling bad for being a man. 

This will not be an easy task. Your penis is tricky, dastardly, diabolical, deceiving, deceptive, and indefatigable. Basically, you know how Dick Cheney kind of looks like a penis? Well, imagine that your dick is Dick.

Thing is — and this is very important to note — I’m not asking you to suppress or ignore your sexual urges. They are not bad. In fact, they are very good. Just don’t be the guy who allows those urges to completely dominate everything he does.

That’s enough for me today. Did I forget anything? Also, people of VSB.com, what advice would you give to your teenage sons?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Desmond

    Hahahaha. I’m still laughing at #3. I thought I was the only one who absconded with remote controls in spite.

    • spottieottiedarlin

      evil.

  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

    #6 just screams AZZ HOLE! What kind of advice is this?!

    Teenage advice to a son————-> I am not going to have a son! I just want a daughter that is it. If it happens that I have a son,I am auctioning him on e-bay!

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      oh yeah, forgot to add,

      1.) I am FIRST

      2.) That shirt and pants dude up top is wearing————–>should be burned with acid.

      3.) How far with the love triangle?! Whose winning, any whatsomes?!

    • Eric McD

      I think that’s the point. Azzhole= WINNING!

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        @ Eric McD

        Winning what?! A pseudo ego inflation Nobel prize?! Urrrrrgh. I hate AZZHOLES.

        • Eric McD

          Uhhhh…No. Winning at dealing with women without losing your mind. Women usually hate actions that they would classify as “Azzhole(ish)” because they can’t control men who have their own self interest in mind. Meaning- everything is Okay as long as you are calling the shots but once a man let’s you know what he will and won’t accept, you have an issue. No thanks!

          • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

            I guess my definition and your definition of azzholish might have been lost and found in cultural translation

          • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

            Yeah, that’s about right…but then again, I’m a known asshole so yeah I would know about this, LMAO!!

    • Learned Learner

      @African Mami
      This is not azzhole advice. The fact is that there are hoodrat … I mean… socially disadvantaged women out there who make a career of having a baby with an upwardly mobile young man with a bright future. My brother spent 19 years paying child support because my father did not warn him of these types. His daughter’s mother never worked, got a project apartment from the state, and literally lived off of the money he was mandated to pay to support his daughter. Fortunately for me, I am younger so I learned from his mistakes.
      Great post Champ. Most insightful!

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        Definitely good advice. People often fail to warn young men about who they might get pregnant and figure boys will be boys. Baaaaad idea. You want your son to have a bright future? Make sure he pays close attention to where he puts his wang.

        • Justmetheguy

          +1 There are plenty attractive women that will drain you of a future and rob you for your potential before you mature as a man. I’m so hurt that it happened to my cousin (who tried to do what he thought was right and married the chick since she was pregnant). He was such a good dude, not a good dude in a sense that every middle class male who graduated college and thinks he’s owed a hot chick sense. I’m talking a legitimately kind-hearted wouldn’t hurt a fly and is all about the gospel he preaches as a deacon and ordained minister. He got exploited by a hoodrat while in college. Now a legitimate marriage minded woman suffered by missing out on a great husband, he suffered from the heartbreak of being cheated on an unappreciated/disrespected in general, and the kids suffered in countless ways. Fellas we gotta be careful about our choices just like we tell women who get knocked up by thugs and knuckleheads. His pops should’ve warned him also. Sad story that’s not very uncommon

      • sincereluv4life

        yeah, I work for the state & see it on a daily: a lot of women living lavishly off of child support while they collect welfare, medicaid & other tax payer supported benefits..

      • http://lifetheroughdraft.squarespace.com Rone

        Exactly. Why push all of your chips on the table for the bet if she’s not willing to do the same? If you lose, you lose everything. If she loses it’s no sweat off her back. It doesn’t pay to be politically correct for the sake of hurt feelings. You both gotta be bringing something to the table.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/Think2Inspire Think2Inspire

      Slap my chin and call me Sally but I don’t think #6 even whispers azzhole. This is just common since for men and women. If the person you are in a relationship/smanging has nothing to lose then you best run. In my short life, I’ve found that people who have something to lose (career, family, friend, money, body piercing, kool aid etc) just make for smarter more reasonable people. When it comes to the bedroom, I got my life to lose over unprotected chex so I hope never to get to that point with a nothing to lose man.

      I had a friend with nothing to lose but had to stop seeing her crazy arse when she almost ended my life bout 5ish months ago. This bish decided to follow a car that cut her off, she chased the woman and used the passenger window to scream and curse at her. She kept yelling was “I ain’t got nothing to lose! Fcuk a hoe who cut me off.” This went on until the interstate where my friend realized she couldn’t ram her Camry into an Escalade fast enough.

      Dropped her @ass cuz I value my life and want to live to see if the Mayans were right.

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        @ T2I

        Different strokes for different folks on #6

        I am literally in TEARS about your kray kray friend!!!!

        • http://twitter.com/#!/Think2Inspire Think2Inspire

          Just realized you are back to being ‘African Mami’ :)

          Its only funny now becaue I didn’t make the evening news. lol. She was a mess. I had to go through the wire getting out of that friendship.

          • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

            @ T2I

            AM is subject to change at a moment’s notice. I found somebody else, temporarily……

            But, ummmmm…..glad you made it alive!!! Oh mi gosh, I’m laughing all over again.

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

            SMH…

            • Justmetheguy

              lmao! Damn Jay…and I thought Africans didn’t believe in divorce smh too

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                They don’t, I do.

                • Justmetheguy

                  :O Jay I bet she’s leaving you for one of these VSB ninjas that dap you up on a regular basis too. Reading ninjas be triflin too…I wonder where yall went wrong… Smh, back to bachelorhood huh?

                  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                    Iunno whether or not my current love interest daps or undaps him, all I do know is brother is …….yeah, imma just leave it @ dat!

                • Justmetheguy

                  “Even the sun goes down, heroes eventually die, horoscopes often lie and sometimes “y” nothin’ is for sure, nothin’ is for certain, nothin’ lasts forever”

                  VSBs first divorce (or are yall just separated like Avant?)

                  • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

                    *insert MJ thriller popcorn eating gif at the VSB makeups-to-breakups

                    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                      @ keisha,

                      this is not a reality show for me. We are talking about real emotions….please don’t reduce my crumbled marriage with _____________________ to a popcorn popping festival.

                    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

                      ok.

                  • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                    @JMTG,

                    I think my name change says it all for now…….kinda disappointed. I gave it my all. I’m sad…like seriously!

                    • Justmetheguy

                      @ African Mami- I’m sorry to hear that. What exactly happened? You seem to have a very low tolerance for disagreement. Was yesterday’s little riff really this serious?

                    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                      @ JMTG,

                      oh shit @ me having a low tolerance for disagreement, I actually like to think that I do have a high tolerance. What made you come to this conclusion…..

                      Was yesterday’s little riff really this serious?
                      Lawwwwd no! Heck no….I’m legally married, but seeking greener pastures-which I think I have found, now I just need to pounce without being so obvious-I cant accept rejection @ this point.

                      Jay is still my heart!—————->jumpoffs don’t get it twisted.

        • JEHeartbreak

          Exactly! I run from ninjas that have nothing to lose. Esp… my precious life. No gracias!

      • That Ugly Kid

        Off topic, but you will be disappointed (or overjoyed) when nothing happens in December. People try to correlate the Mayan Calender with our Gregorian one, which is a flawed concept. The Mayan Calender dealt with solar cycles, which is important to realise. For Mayans, “months” were determined by what was going on in the sky, no matter what time of year it was “supposed” to be. This means that “months” in Mayan culture weren’t static. So that time of year that we call “January”, might not actually be “January” next year, according to the Mayan solar calender.

        This is why the number “13″ is so significant. The Mayan calender ends on 13.0.0.0.0 4 Ahau 3 Kankin. However, as stated above the month, Kankin, doesn’t always take place at the exact same time every year. Meaning 12/21/12 is a mistranslated date. Why 12/21/12? Because on the Mayan Long Count calender, the date will roll over to our Gregorian one from 12.19.19.17.19 to 13.0.0.0.0.. Which is the Mayan “Friday the 13th”.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

          There have been about 514 leap years since Caesar created the leap year in about 45 B.C. Without the extra day every 4 years, today would be September 9, 2013. The Mayan calender did not account for leap year. So technically, the world should have ended about a year ago.

          • That Ugly Kid

            That’s where you’re wrong. As I said, the Mayan calender was measured in using solar cycles. They measured Earth’s rotation period using 360 DEGREES, not DAYS. Basically, they didn’t HAVE to account for the leap year, their calenders already included it without having to tally it up on their day count. In fact the Mayan Calender is more accurate than the Gregorian one we use today.

        • That Ugly Kid

          This is how the Mayans things. Except, eventually the Mayans figured out that they weren’t accounting for the .24 day they were missing due to dicrepencies with the lunar cycle. They adjusted their calender, which caused their “months” to be static. The fact that the calender ends on 13.0.0.0.0 4 Ahau 3 Kankin doesn’t make it a doomsday. In fact, that date is there to predict that on this day, our Sun will be exactly aligned with the center of the Milky Way galaxy. An event that occurs once every 26,000 years.

          Why am I tell you all this. Because I find it interesting.

          And because the name of this domain is VerySmartBrothers.

          And because I’m a Capricorn. The Beginning and the End. The Alpha and Omega. Simply put. I do what I want.

          • annette_b

            You’ve drawn me in. What is the significance of the sun being in perfect alignment with the center of the MIlky Way?

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            Guess I need to start paying these credit cards…

          • JEHeartbreak

            I feel smarter reading this… and a little sleepy. 8-/

        • http://www.twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

          TUK
          Im not saying I look forward to impending doom but I am facinated by different cultures and thier beliefs in the end of the world. Not ny fault, grew up Christain. I’ve been reading about the Mayans since I could read English because Im a nerd and lover of all things Latin. That being said, you have snuggled yourself into my heart for this explaination. This and your love of Harry Potter.

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            The Mayans weren’t Latinos lol but I like that you’re a lover of all things Latin :)

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        “She kept yelling was “I ain’t got nothing to lose! Fcuk a hoe who cut me off.”

        Lmao!

    • Todd

      No, #6 is real motherf*ckin’ rap! It’s amazing how many hoodrats there are out there. I’m not saying don’t date poor chicks. I’m saying don’t date chicks whose entire come-up plan involves some dude running up in them raw. Besides, the nani you’ll get it going to be lame anyway. Think about it. Imagine if you have a job, and you’re working your hardest at it. If I asked you to suddenly, say, make a soup while staying at your grind, you’ll make a half-a$$ed soup.

      The nani you’ll get will be JUST like that soup. :)

      • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

        Hoodrats and bad sex go together like J Dilla and obscure samples, LMAO!!!

        • Todd

          What is it about hoodrats that leads to bad sex? Seriously. The next hoodrat I meet with skills in the bedroom will be the first. Plus their whole MO the second they realize you went to school beyond high school is like Biggie’s “Warning”: “Damn…why they wanna stick me for my paper?!” Sigh…the stories I can tell….

          • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

            Hoodrats have an inflated sense of self. They really believe they are more than what they really are and think they are great at everything.

            I once slept with a hoodrat who was on this mindset. She came onto me and offered me sex on New Years’ Eve in 2007. Needless to say that was the worst New Years’ Eve I ever had in my life. That’s a couple of hours in my life that I’ll never get back.

            • mena

              I want the full version of this story.

              • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

                Oh no you don’t- believe me, you do not want to hear the rest of this story!!!

      • Chanelle

        “Besides, the nani you’ll get it going to be lame anyway.”

        lol well damn! I thought hoodrats would at least be good at this since they have nothing else going for them!

    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

      NOT ebay though.
      *snickering

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        @ Keisha

        R u talking about my pseudo son that’s getting auctioned/auditioned for ebay or something completely different?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “#6 just screams AZZ HOLE! What kind of advice is this?!”

      you still haven’t explained how it screams azz hole

      • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

        @ Champ

        It SCREAMS it doesn’t TALK!:)

  • Andre

    …wish I had a pops around to school me on #3. Took me all through HS and two years of college to learn that lesson.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      it’s still easy to fall into that trap, though

  • dd

    ”Woman dating with her best interests in mind” seems to = “empowered” while “man dating with his best interests in mind” seems to = “asshole” because women have more to lose

    • Meisarebel

      Double. Standard.

      • Justmetheguy

        +1 on the double standard. Not complaining though. It’s part of life. The universe balances itself out

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        I wonder, though… does the double standard exist for a good reason? I mean, women’s “keep on best interest at heart” does seem to be empowering herself while men “keep best interest at heart” seems to be at the expense of women. LOL. Even looking at the two lists Champ made the daughter one has an air of “look out for number one, so don’t let a man dog you out.” while the man one is “look out for number one, even if it means dogging a woman out.”

        • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          Exactly. There is a difference between not acting thirsty and choosing your bedmates wisely and generally treating women like siht.

          Too many men think looking out for #1 means the latter. That’s not a double standard. A woman looking out for #1 would mean she stays away from azzholes.

          Get it straight and quit playing victim.

          • Justmetheguy

            “look out for number one, even if it means dogging a woman out.”

            Where in the sam h*ll did you obtain such a paraphrase? He didn’t imply that at all. He implied to not change your mode of behavior to please or avoid offending a woman’s ego. Don’t be thirsty or anxious more or less.

            And nobody’s playing the victim card. I played the analyst’s card. The double standard is in the perception of the advice, not the advice itself or the treatment of men and our urges.

            • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

              ““look out for number one, even if it means dogging a woman out.”

              Where in the sam h*ll did you obtain such a paraphrase? He didn’t imply that at all. He implied to not change your mode of behavior to please or avoid offending a woman’s ego. Don’t be thirsty or anxious more or less.”

              I got that paraphrase when he said that “looking out for best interest” for men = “a-hole”. Not sure how you agreed with that in a previous comment, but then wondered how and where I got my implication from…

              And I’m not talking about ONE instance, I’m talking about the entire list, which I’m pretty sure I alluded to in my first comment.

              • Justmetheguy

                ” I got that paraphrase when he said that “looking out for best interest” for men = “a-hole”. ”

                I took that statement as commentary on how this mentality is perceived by others (of both genders too) as “being an @sshole” when men do it, but as empowering when women do it. You know how Champ writes. It wasn’t about telling men to be @ssholes. It was more like warning them that this self-empowering mode of behavior will sometimes be deemed @ssholish simply because they are practicing it with no remorse and happen to be male. That’s all. Then again Champ wrote it not me, so I could be misguided…

                • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

                  Oh yeah I peeped that, but I’m saying I know how it could be seen that way. A-holish. Not because of the things he’s telling his son to do at face value, but because of the way in which men sometimes interpret it. Tis all…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “Even looking at the two lists Champ made the daughter one has an air of “look out for number one, so don’t let a man dog you out.” while the man one is “look out for number one, even if it means dogging a woman out.”

          i realize that the advice does seem contradictory, and that’s because i think the best advice for daughters is to make sure they avoid bad situations, while the best advice for sons is to get them to recognize good ones. basically, it’s the difference between playing not to lose, and playing to win. both approaches work if done right

          • Justmetheguy

            +1 It’s not rocket science. You taught both of them how to avoid wasting their time and being used by someone else for convenience. Is this really all that difficult to understand?

            • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

              Nawl, it’s not difficult to understand. Slow down, Tiger. LOL

              It’s also not difficult to understand that sometimes the METHODS used by some men to “look out for themselves” can end up being at the expense of women. That was my point. Also not difficult.

              • Justmetheguy

                ” t’s also not difficult to understand that sometimes the METHODS used by some men to “look out for themselves” can end up being at the expense of women.”

                True, but in this post I missed where he advocated this in today’s post though. I guess I need to re-read it…

                • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

                  Oh no, I’m not saying he advocated it at all. I could’ve worded that better. What I meant when I said I saw it in his list, I mean I looked at the bigger picture beyond just the instances in the list themselves. I’m just saying sometimes that’s the way it’s… misinterpreted by men (and women have to bear the brunt of it), I guess is the right term. LOL

                  And those experiences women go through is why men looking out for their best interests is seen as being a-holish to women. From my observations, at least.

                  • Justmetheguy

                    Oh ok, well yeah if that’s the case then yeah I agree with that. Fellas gotta be careful not to take sh*t too far, because we all know that many of them will smh

              • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

                @ Cheekie

                Precisely! about it being @ the expense of the woman…..grrrrr!!!

          • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

            I feel ya. Well put, Champ.

  • Eric McD

    I had to copy and paste this to my email so that when my son’s come of age I will be able to refer to this list as “The basics of being a happy man.”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      cool. just make sure to send me a royalty check

  • http://challyshares.tumblr.com/ Nei Jae

    “Your penis is tricky, dastardly, diabolical, deceiving, deceptive, and indefatigable.”

    Indefatigable??? LIES!!!! lol

    And Why are you taking her remote controls?

    Anywho, I digress. I suppose this is an okay list. As I have no sons, teenage or otherwise, I she perhaps someday modify and share portions of this list with my nephews.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Indefatigable??? LIES!!!! lol”

      lol, i think the fact that we can get full erections while dead asleep should be proof that penises are on some type of ultimate workout plan

      • http://challyshares.tumblr.com Nei Jae

        and yet after one “ultimate workout” most of them become all tuckered out.

        Full of stamina? Sure. Indefatigable? Nah!!!!

        (~_~)

  • DG

    Good a$$ list, folk…I agree w/ just about everything you said.
    Moreover, you’re right about #1….age 34 is a bit of a sweet spot as far as dating goes right now…at least for guys: lots of beautiful options to choose from, (hopefully) enough resources to make it interesting; enough confidence to know what you’re doing; and, if so inclined, enough experience to be able to recognize a special one when you meet her.

    *I may have to print this list out for my own (future) lil’ knucklehead.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      thanks and shit

    • JEHeartbreak

      well said.

  • That Ugly Kid

    11. Be yourself. Seriously. If you’re the nerd in high school, be the nerd. Don’t compromise your identity for a female. It’s better for you to date a woman who likes you for you, and not the illusion of a man she thinks you are.

    12. Arrogance is okay. Just don’t over do it. Women like confident men, men who can take charge, exude power. Beautiful women love powerful men. I mean, have you seen how sexually attractive your mom is? Well, actually, no you shouldn’t of your mom in that manner. And if you do, we need to have a totally different convo, joe. This be Chicago, not Arkansas.

    13. Being that you are my son, you’ve probably inherited my naturally Zeus/Jupiter/God/Allah/Spiderman-like stamina. This is a gift and a curse. A gift because women love that sh*t. A curse because, well, women love that sh*t. While you’ll most likely want nothing to do with her after Rounds 1 & 2, she’ll want more. And while you won’t be fatigued, you’ll definitely be annoyed that you can’t watch my vintage Dragon Ball Z DVDs.

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      #13————————> CONTINUE, I’M WATCHING!

    • That Ugly Kid

      14. If, after sex, your female partner has trouble breathing and suffers temporary paralysis of the legs, don’t panic. This is called the Walker Effect. Basically, you’ve given her so many orgasms it caused blockages in her nerves endings, preventing signals from reaching the neurons. If you are truly my son, this will happen often. Supply the lucky lady with saltine crackers and ginger ale. She’ll make a full recovery.

      15. I’ll love you no matter what. Gay/straight/bi. Atheist/religious. Don’t ever let someone make you feel bad for who you are. You are no less a human being than anyone else. And you will be loved no matter what.

      16. It would be so awesome if you got accepted into Hogwarts. Anyone else who says different is a gotd*mn lie.

      • Chanelle

        I love your number 15!

      • NYCgyal

        Love your #15 too.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        TUK, Love all of it. All of it. LOL

      • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

        AMEN to #15.
        i wish more parents (and men of their sons) would say AND practice this.

      • JEHeartbreak

        love the delish additions!

      • Sha

        #14 is great and all young men should be forwarned , although I dont beleive in the early stages on having intercourse it gets this extreme, lol

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      awwwwwww!

  • nillalatte

    “2. The best, and most consistent way to get women to want to sleep and/or be with you? Act like you don’t really care about whether you’re able to sleep and/or be with them.”

    Funny, this works on men as well. Funny thing is this might work for some women, but I find this behavior a complete turn off. Ain’t nobody up in this mug trying to get an Oscar. Be real.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

      Yeah it works on men, which is obvious because this is how attractive women are ALMOST ACROSS THE BOARD. Which is part of the reason why we want to sleep with them.

      • http://Obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

        Actually sir, no, it doesnt work on men anywhere near to the degree that it works on women. What works on men are women who are young, pretty and approachable. Please do not fall for the unisex dating advice okey doke?

        Thank you. :)

        O.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

          Not AT ALL an advocate of unisex dating advice. Just pointing out that women’s essence consists of, as Nillalatte put it, acting like “you don’t really care about if you’re able to sleep and/or be with them”. Women usually don’t just come out and express sexual interest in men(generally speaking). All of the signs that we’ve been trained to pick up on are still subtle. We just know what to look for. I know from experience that even the women that DO want to sleep with me pretend like they don’t. Or they give subtle signs. Some call it being a lady. Some call it being coy. Some were just raised that way. Some are shy. Some are just not sexual. But generally speaking, men express their interest towards women, sexual or otherwise, WAAAAAAAY more frequently, openly, and blatantly than women. I’m surprised anyone would argue that this isn’t true.

          • MJoy

            It works on men. It works on everyone to a point then it’s just annoying and tiring. Good advice if you’re trying to sleep with a woman and that’s all.

    • erika

      I’ve often wondered about the women on which this tactic worked.

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      I agree, when a guy acts like he has no interest in my poon, ii figure he’s either gay or fronting. Either way, it turns me off. I like men who want me.

      To the haters: I don’t think every man wants my flower. I think most do, but there are many who do not. They usually don’t spend too much time talking to me, cause that’s how men operate. So if you’re having a convo with me that lasts more than a few minutes, you want it. Don’t front, its unattractive. (To a grown woman who is secure about her looks)

      • JEHeartbreak

        Amen!

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        I think a nuances attitude is the most attractive to all women. Something like ” I find you attractive and interesting and I would like to bed you at some point, but there is no hurry. If you decide you don’t want my wang, Ill be fine, there are others who will.”

    • TheRealestLeo

      No it doesn’t.

      If a woman is acting like she’s not interested, I’m going to draw the conclusion that she’s……not…..interested……and treat her accordingly.

  • Royale W. Cheese

    “as doing this is the equivalent of taking a starving man to the Cheesecake Factory and asking him to act like he’s not hungry.”

    LOL

    I agree with waiting until the mid-thirties to get married. Heck, I’d argue 40.

    1. Just have fun trying to court women and don’t get depressed after being shot down. Why? See the teenage girls rules list. Accept it. Respect it.

    2. I am not your girlfriend’s friend. No she cannot sleep over. No I am not her second mother.

    3. Do not just let a woman declare that you are together. If you are not sure about moving from “kinda sorta” into a full on relationship, dump her.

    4. Learn how to just say hello to women like you are a normal person.

    5. If a girl giggles in response to you, that is not the equivalent of one of your boys pointing his finger in your face and BOLing at you. Do not misinterpret the giggle.

    6. That 5 minute long surround-sound full-color fantasy you have about girl X every 10 minutes is not real. Let it play out, then forget about it.

    7. The strippers hate you. They are here to rob you.

    8. Do not feel jealous about the relative ease at which girls can get chex. Tht “ability” is not all it’s cracked up to be. Let it go and you’ll prevent decades of resentment against girls and women.

    9. Get an education and build your empire and all that because you love to learn and you are passionate about changing the world, not so that you can get more poon. When you let poon drive your actions, you will be perpetually frustrated.

    10. Never rely on a woman to supply the birth control. Just because the baby is hers to gestate doesn’t mean you get off Scott free.

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      “4. Learn how to just say hello to women like you are a normal person.”

      Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

      • http://twitter.com/#!/Think2Inspire Think2Inspire

        What’s wrong with:
        “Aye girl! I know you see me! Why you wanna walk fast? Where you going? Where you going? Girl, you run track or somethin’ damn you fast. Girl. Aye, girl! Aye…. Well fcuk you then, you ain’t even cute.”

        • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

          @ T2I

          I will admit that, I engage these fools in their madness! I really do…..I do get into verbal altercations with them. Often times, we end up being best of friends!

        • Meisarebel

          I literally laughed out loud.

        • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

          iDie.

      • JEHeartbreak

        Yes!!! #4 and #7!!!!!

    • nillalatte

      You have great lists RWC. I think you’ll be a great mom if you’re not already. :)

      • Royale W. Cheese

        Nope, not a mom. I’ll ideally be a wife first. If that doesn’t happen before menopause, I’m buying a puppy.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

          **SAR**Same thing**CASM**

    • SoSincere

      #3 and # 4 are the truth. Great list!

    • rae

      #3 and leave her the bleep alone…don’t run back every 10 minutes bc you know she wanted to be with you.

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      LOVE these:

      ” 2. I am not your girlfriend’s friend. No she cannot sleep over. No I am not her second mother.

      3. Do not just let a woman declare that you are together. If you are not sure about moving from “kinda sorta” into a full on relationship, dump her.”

    • D*Stroy

      #7 made my laugh…to keep from crying…

      • Royale W. Cheese

        I’m serious. Strippers have hyper game. They are pros at making you feel like you’re a pimp. I had one as a roommate and know a retired one now (who I think ran game on her current baby’s daddy so she could have a kid before 40). Sh*t is real on these streets.

        If you have an ounce of love in yor heart for your male offspring, you will teach them this. Sure, go to the strip club, give the girls tips, but do not *believe* the strippers.

        • D*Stroy

          LMAO! word up! I’m ashamed to say that I may… or may not have been tricked into believing on an occsion or three.

          Damn you, Cherokee! Damn you to hell!

    • MJoy

      1. Stick up for women. Even if you’re not dating them.

      2. Don’t be homophobic.

      3. If you really really like a girl don’t tell her right away. Don’t show your hand too early.

      4. If you’re gay, please try to adopt bc I want grandbabies. I like this better than the surrogate option.

      5. Follow your father’s advice until you want a real relationship. Then come talk to me.

      6. Never let a woman support you financially. I will kill you.

      7. When you’re walking with your girlfriend, hold her hand. Don’t walk ahead of her.

      8. Always make eye contact.

      • JEHeartbreak

        #6,7 and 8. I’m slain! love it!

      • Justmetheguy

        Very good list. I agree that you should go to pops for advice (assuming pops isn’t a cornball) when you don’t want a relationship and mom for advice on actually building and sustaining a relationship when you’re at that stage (assuming she’s one of the emotionally healthy and responsible moms. One of the best lists I’ve read up to this point. Then again I would expect nothing less ;)

      • Rattlerpride

        I would say stick up for women if they’re deserving to be stuck up for (you know what I mean). Some women are not worth it. Just being honest.

      • D*Stroy

        Great List! Number 6 is hilarious and true.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “1. Just have fun trying to court women and don’t get depressed after being shot down. Why? See the teenage girls rules list. Accept it. Respect it.”

      this is a tough one, even for adults

      • Justmetheguy

        I agree with Champ. It’s a tough one, but it’s a necessary one. The most important achievements we have to make in life are ALWAYS the toughest ones. Nothing worth having comes easy (nothing I know of at least). When you run your ego instead of vice versa…yeah, you’re pretty much invincible at that point

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      Alladis

    • Todd

      Maybe it’s just me, but #7 hasn’t been true for me, like ever. In fact, I tend to get great treatment from strippers. I think the key is eye contact. Look them in the eye and talk to them like a woman you met at your job. The benefits you get are…nice. :)