The last couple days of VSB — writing a “fatherly advice” piece for my teenager daughter, and following it up with something for a son the next day — was a plan I’ve had in mind for a while. I thought they’d be pretty well-received and relatively easy to write, and it’s a topic everyone — parent or not — could relate to in some way.
Anyway, with this in mind, I sat down yesterday afternoon ready to write the post about the son, expecting it to be as “easy” as the daughter piece was, but something unexpected happened: It dawned on me that there were actually two completely different sets of dating and relationship tips I could give him:
A)Â 10 Things Iâ€™d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex If I Want Him To Be Thought Of As A “Nice” Guy, and…
B)Â 10 Things Iâ€™d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex…If I Want Him To Actually Be Happy
Now, I don’t mean to suggest that you can’t be a nice guy and completely happy at the same time. It’s possible and shit. And, for the sake of the entire community, it’s probably the best way to go. I imagine that cities like Portland and Charlotte are full of happy nice guys, and, if I had a G-IV, I’d definitely fly there whenever I wanted to hit an organic farmer’s market
But, giving my son the same type of “look out for your own self-interests first” type of advice I gave my daughter yesterday — which is what I’m about to do — creates a guy that, while he can still very well be a “good” guy, fathers would probably advise their daughters to avoid.Â ”Woman dating with her best interests in mind” seems to = “empowered” while “man dating with his best interests in mind” seems to = “asshole.”
1. Do not even entertain the thought of being married or having children until you’re (at least) 34 years old.Â
Now, I realize this doesn’t seem like ground-breaking advice. You’ve probably heard the same thing from your mother. But, what makes what I’m saying different is that while your mom wants you to wait until you’re fully mature and ready to be a husband and father and blah, blah, blah, I’m advising you to wait for one reason: Options.
Why 34? If you take advantage of the great genes your mother and I passed on to you and live the life you’re supposed to, by the time you reach that age, you’ll be successful enough to have some sort of social and/orÂ financialÂ status. And, if you take care of your body, you’ll still be youthful enough to really enjoy it. If you accomplish these things, you will have a better and more attractive range of romantic options than you will at any other point in your life. Asking you to wait until then to choose a life partner is me just wanting you to make the most informed choice possible.Â You don’t want to be the guy who puts all his chips in too early and then gets all unsettled and unhappy when realizing he could have gotten a better deal if he just waited.
I know you like sneakers, so think of it this way. Why shop at Foot Locker when you can drive a few more miles and hit the Nike Outlet instead?
2. The best, and most consistent way to get women to want to sleep and/or be with you? Act like you don’t really care about whether you’re able to sleep and/or be with them.
This may be the most difficult thing on the list to grasp. Even grown men aware of this truth have trouble pulling it off, as doing this is theÂ equivalentÂ of taking a starving man to the Cheesecake Factory and asking him to act like he’s not hungry.
But, as history has proven time and time again, your success with women is usually directly correlated to how unfazed you are by them. Also, the more beautiful the woman, the more you should probably act as if you barely even notice her beauty.
3. During high school or college, there’s a chance you might be attracted to a woman who attempts to coerce you into doing “boyfriend” duties (hanging out, being a confidant, eating salads with her and shit, etc) without any actual boyfriendÂ pluses (sex). Do not fall for this trick.
You may be tempted to think that just hanging around and being the friend will assist you in finally getting some. It will not. The longer you stay around and continue to volunteer to take her panties to the laundromat, the less likely she’ll consider you to be a romantic option.
If you’re not careful, it may even get to the point to where she’ll complain to you about her man problems — in graphic detail, no less — despite the fact that she knows you’ve been pining away like a…pining-ass motherf*cker. If this happens, dead all contact with her, and Â also make sure to steal all of her remote controls.
4. First dates should always be fun. And cheap.
This is your opportunity to set the tempo for the entire relationship. It’s also your chance to vet and see if she’s the type of asshole who needs a $90 steak in front of her to have “fun.”
5. There are thousands of reasons why you should always practice safe sex, and I’m sure you’ve heard each of them before. Here’s one I’m pretty sure you haven’t: Playing the pull out game always makes you feel like an idiot.
I’m not going to lie to you. Unprotected sex does feelÂ indescribablyÂ better than wearing a condom. No sense in bullshitting you about that. But, the jump in feeling pales in comparison to the prolonged awkwardness you’ll feel when going raw, pulling out at the last moment, wondering if you pulled out in time, wondering how the hell you managed to cum on her knee, pausing this intimate moment to perform post-coital clean up, wondering if you pulled out in time (again), getting back in bed after the clean up and finding out the hard way that you didn’t do a very thorough clean up job, and feeling bad because you’ll start asking yourself if you’re too damn old to playing the gotdamn pull-out game.
6. Only sleep with women who have something to lose.
Hoodrats and hoochies can (definitely) be sexy, but 5 to 25 minutes of pleasure isn’t worth the considerable potential downside if things go down hill.Â Basically, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have casual sex with a woman who’d consider it the best day of her life (and the lives of everyone in her family, including her son) if you happened to get her pregnant.
7. The grass is never greener.
Although all women have their own personal quirks andÂ idiosyncrasies to go along with some physical differences, there isn’t muchÂ varianceÂ about what makes them them. Seriously, if you took 100 random men from Jakarta and 100 random guys from Jacksonville and asked them to list the 10 things that most annoy them about their wives, the lists would look exactly the same.
I’m bringing this up because there may be a point in one of your relationships where you experience a bit of malaise and start fantasizing about how things would be with someone else. When this happens, remember that a relationship with whoever you’re fantasizing about will eventually reach the malaise stage too.
This leaves you with two options
A) End relationships as soon as they leave the honeymoon stage (not the best option)
B) Make sure you commit to the right person so that your love for and attraction to her will help you deal with the inevitable “meh” period (the best option)
8. Smell good.
I didn’t pay much attention in the anatomy and physiology course I took my freshman year in high school, and the way women respond to a guy who smells good definitely makes me think that I must have fallen asleep on the day they explained that a woman’s nose is directly connected to her vagina.
9. It may not seem this way when it happens, but breaking up with a woman can be one of the kindest things you can do as an adult
Look, while we can dick around until we’re in our 40′s and still end up finding a wife and building a family, (generally speaking) women just don’t have that same luxury. If you’re in a situation where you know things probably aren’t going any further and she’s at an age where she’s expecting them to, end it. Shit, even if it’s a good relationship, end it.
You’ll both feel like shit for a while, but you both will eventually get over it and realize it was in both of your best interests.
10. From now until the day you die, your penis will be fighting a never-ending battle with your brain to see who will lord over your body, your decision making, your choices, and your future. You cannot let your penis win, but you also cannot let anyone shame you into feeling bad for being a man.Â
This will not be an easy task. Your penis is tricky, dastardly, diabolical,Â deceiving, deceptive, andÂ indefatigable. Basically, you know how Dick Cheney kind of looks like a penis? Well, imagine that your dick is Dick.
Thing is — and this is very important to note — I’m not asking you toÂ suppressÂ or ignore your sexual urges. They are not bad. In fact, they are very good. Just don’t be the guy who allows those urges to completely dominate everything he does.
Thatâ€™s enough for me today.Â Did I forget anything? Also, people of VSB.com, what advice would you give to your teenage sons?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)