10 Things Elise Neal Looks Like Today, On Her 50th (!!!) Birthday » VSB

Featured, Pop Culture

10 Things Elise Neal Looks Like Today, On Her 50th (!!!) Birthday

Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images for ESPN

 

Elise Neal turned 50 today. Pictured below are pictures of 50-year-old Elise Neal.

elise neal 2

Today is Elise Neal’s birthday. Which means she was born 50 years ago.
elise neal

Here are some things that Elise Neal, who is 50 years old today, looks like.

1. The first 80 degree day of the year in Pittsburgh. (And yes, it being in Pittsburgh matters, because the way our weather situation is set up right now, the first 80 degree day of the year could very easily also be the last one.)

2. A brunch flyer with “complementary bottomless mimosas” etched somewhere on it.

3. A bag of money.

4. The first 67 seconds of “Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1” (Basically, the song up until Kanye starts rapping.)

5. Good credit. But not good credit you were born into. Good credit that came after some credit-related mistakes were made. Like, you totally got hooked by one of those credit card deals in college that came with free t-shirts and a backpack, and you used up all of your credit on CDs and Raspberry Alize, and never paid it off for years. But now, 15 years later, your credit can finally be considered “good” and not “good for a crackhead.”

6. Being a person past a certain thigh/ass-size level, and finding stylish pants that actually fit.

7. Black America the night Barack Obama was elected president. (Seriously. “Lit” isn’t lit enough of a word to describe how lit Black America was that night.)

8. The perfect pancake.

9. Church. And not church itself. But a reason to go there.

10. A great-looking 50-year-old Black woman. And no, not every great-looking 50-year-old Black woman is going to look like Elise Neal. But it’s a bit of a backhanded compliment when some picture of some amazing-looking Black woman who happens to be middle-aged goes viral and it’s said that she looks half her age. The implication being that it’s unnatural, that a 50-year-old Black woman can’t look like that. When there’s centuries worth of evidence that they can and, sometimes, do. It’s the age version of “shes pretty for a darkskinned girl.

If you’re Black and you’re reading this, I’m sure you can name a few 40 to 80-year-old women you personally know whose very existence is an advertisement for BlackDon’tCrack. Like that shit is sold in drugstores or something. Right next to Just For Me and Tyra’s vaseline.

Elise Neal aint 25, and she don’t look it. She’s Black, so she just aint cracked.

 

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Kat

    Bruh..”Elise Neal aint 25, and she don’t look it. She’s Black, so she just aint cracked.”

    Ain’t nothing wrong with 50 and she says it loudly….

  • Amen

    Lawd….

    • Question

  • minxbrie

    This gives me hope.

  • Jaeda Laurez

    She looks like smart money. Not crisp new money (that’s Rihanna), but a guaranteed return on whatever investment you’d care to make. I respect it.

    • Gladysgmoran


      “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


      two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereoi!64????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsMore/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::oi!64…….

    • Question

      …even the bad investments. “Oh, I got 7% instead of 12%. Damn.”

      • Kellygcruz4


        “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


        two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereoi!648????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsJust/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::oi!648…

    • Ess Tee

      Wait. They had Vivica playing her momma? How many years apart are they?

      • MsShaynaT

        That’s Pam Grier.

      • Amen

        I believe that is the incomporable Pam Grier. Who was close to 50 herself in this episode.

      • brothaskeeper

        No, that’s the just-as-fine-if-not-finer Pam Grier.

      • Ess Tee

        Oh, OK. That gif was so swift (and Pam’s hair is laid like how Vivica’s was in the ’90s) that I thought it might’ve been Vivica.

    • KB

      I did not notice that was her in that episode.

  • LKNMRE

    I gotta start drinking more water, man….

  • She made me have slight rainbow feelings. Lord.

    • Londa

      LOL!

  • Brother Mouzone

    *Reverend Brown voice..( Arsenio Hall) Yass lawd! There’s a GAWD somewahhhheeerr…HAH!

    • Or…She looks like Eddie Murphy felt, when he dropped the mic and yelled
      “Sexy Choklit!”…
      And walked away.

      • Brother Mouzone

        Definitely the living, breathing version of a mike drop..complete with the high pitched feedback sound. My wife even gave her props..lol.

  • Olu Burrell

    Every day she traverses through clouds of pure unadulterated unicorn horn dust tossed like LeBron’s pre-game routine.

  • Cozy

    She looks like black people’s response to the Emancipation Proclamation getting signed
    She look like a winning Lotto ticket
    I screamed like a bad a$$ kid in the grocery store
    This is the opposite of Florida Evans yelling “damn”
    Elise Neal just threw RIhanna’s Air Force Ones over a telephone wire

    …forget it…I cannot articulate how I feel about this event…she needs to run for president. not now, but RIGHT now

    • Brother Mouzone

      …forget it…I cannot articulate how I feel about this event…she needs to run for president. not now, but RIGHT now…………………………………………………………
      If she was First Lady, the entire world would demand that Obama be given 8 more years..no offense to Michelle, but HER doing fitness demonstrations with the youths???

      • Sigma_Since 93

        If she was the FLOTUS, Republicans would have a reason to complain about political gridlock. Honolulu Slim would never leave bed! lol

More Like This