However, I do understand why somebody might think that he’s crazy enough to do so. See, Chris Brown has reached that rare space where if something crazy happens and he’s in the vicinity, there’s probably a better than 50 percent change he’s responsible. Or if something outwardly stupid occurs, and it involves him, it’s highly likely that its intentional or at least not unintentional.
For instance, if you are walking down the street and a chair comes flying out of a window, and two minutes later you see Breezy dance out of the buildling, well, if you assumed he is the one who threw the chair nobody would really dispute or disagree with that conclusion. Or let’s just say that he gets a tattoo that resembles the face of a battered woman – you know, something he’s familiar with – even if it isn’t supposed to be a battered woman, well, assuming that Chris Brown might be dumb enough to get a tattoo that unintentionally resembles the face of the woman he laid his hands on seems totally inbounds, therefore he got a tattoo of a battered woman. Even Mike Tyson would wince at that. You know, hypothetically speaking. In fact, Chris Brown enjoys company with only Ron Artest and Mike Tyson in this club for folks who actually do sh*t that while absolutely insane, seems like just another day at the office. I’m not sure if Chris is proud of bothered by this. Probably a bit of both.
Let’s just say, if Chris Brown walked out on stage holding a wang and a bong and said he was supporting the cause of hermaphrodite tadpoles by discouraging the use of latex mirrors, I wouldn’t even bat an eye.
With that being said, Chris Brown’s biggest problem here is his handlers. So I’m going to officially throw my hat in the ring to be his new Tattoo Czar. He’s got quite the collection already and is obviously hellbent on adding new interesting and questionably tattoos, so I figure that I’ll give him some ideas for tats that will be no less attention-worthy, but won’t really make him look like a deranged d*ck either.
1. Big Bird f*cking Snuffleupagus
Let’s be real, we’ve all thought it happened anyway. Either way this tat would be both playful and ridiculous and tackle an age old question: are Sesame Street characters asexual?
2. An old woman smoking weed with sunglasses on
This could be in support of medical marijuana usage in California and soon-to-be nationwide! This way he is supporting the AARP set AND the stoner set. This can’t possibly piss anybody off.
3. A white person wearing a Black Panther shirt
This could be one of those big tats that he could show off at concerts in attempts to promote racial harmony and unity. And what’s better than racial harmoney and unity?
Glad you asked…
4. Tupac in a wheelchair coming out the courthouse before going upstate
You know, the iconic photo of ‘Pac. Well, that’s somebody in pain, but nobody would think twice about that. Well, I mean tattin’ ‘Pac on your body is something The Game or Nas would do actually, but still, Chris Brown could tat that in the name of vulnerability or artists who are misunderstood and who do misunderstood sh*t.
Though this may definitely cause problems in his own household considering his new chick must absolutely hate Rihanna…so wait, that might be a win actually because Ri-Ri’s natural enemy is Beyonce! Though, he definitely would never be able to smang Rihanna again despite every attempt those two seem to be making to get back together. And he soooooo wants to smang her again.
I mean, Drake has pretty much cornered the market on Aaliyah standom…or has he? After the whole bottle incident that Kevin Hart TOTALLY BOMBED at the VMAs, wouldn’t it just be kind of sneaky good to one up Drake with an Aaliyah tat as well? Not some retarded fill in of the dates either, but like a tat that was a .gif of Aaliyah rocking the boat? I see potential here.
7. A six-pointed pentagram
What? It ain’t like I said a 3-angled rhombus.Seriously, when was the last time you read a blog and saw the word rhombus?
Since he’s no stranger to odd-ball behavior, being the first rapper to sell skin as ad space might be a good move for him. Plus, that would put him in direct competition with all the famous folks hawking Pepsi. Kanye, Chris is coming for you.
9. An oddly resembling Kim Kardashian face
Talk about your convo starter. It could start a cat fight between he, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, and Kris Humphries. By the way, I know we think Chris is kind of loopy, but is there any doubt that he’d whip Kanye’s ass in a fight? Doubt it.
10. His own face
Not sure how popular this was every where else, but we had this tragic era in Atlanta of people tatting their names in cursive on their arms. Yes. Their own names. Well, what if he big leagued everybody and tatted his own face on his neck? I believe Marlon said it best when he sang in harmony with his brothers, “can you feel it?” I think you can.
So what do you think? Is Chris Brown crazy enough to tat a picture of a battered woman on his person? And how’d I do as his Tattoo Czar? And what OTHER tats do you think Chris Brown should have considered instead of the one he chose?
Talk to me.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I AIN’T GOT NO TATS aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3