Lists, Theory & Essay

10 Reasons Why I’m Kind Of A Bad Person

As many of you know, I’ve been cat sitting for a few months now. In fact, as I’m typing this, he’s in my living room, stalking, hunting, and murdering an empty bottle of Advil. As cats go, I guess he’s not a particularly bad cat. I mean, we all know that cats are inherent assholes, but he’s no more assholely than most other cats.

Still, he does occasionally annoy me — like waking me up in the morning by sitting three inches away from my face and staring at me until I open my eyes — and since he does occasionally annoy me, I do things to annoy him back. For instance, the next time he walks near me, I’m going to pour a tiny bit of this Aquafina I’m drinking right now into my hands, and sprinkle it on him. When I do this, he’s going to straighten up, turn his head around to see where the water came from, and walk back into my living room. I will laugh, and I will not feel the least bit bad about said laughter.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably not. Am I a bad person? Well, you should probably wait until you see the rest of the shitty things I regularly do with no remorse before answering.

2. When on Gchat, I type “brb” even when I have absolutely no intention on coming back any time soon

Why? Well, it’s just easier to do this instead of going through the whole “bye’ process. I guess I could just get up and leave, but that would be rude.

3. I think nothing of changing my order while I’m at the drive-thru window

What? Just because I wanted a junior bacon cheesburger 45 seconds ago doesn’t mean I still want one now.

4. I drink straight from the containers and cartons…at other people’s houses

Not all other people’s, but, well, I’m not going to say exactly who because they might be reading this and might not invite me back to their place

5. If there’s a long line while I’m grocery shopping, I will begin to eat some of my food

You haven’t lived until you made a turkey sandwich with lettuce, mayo, black pepper, and tomatoes while the other people in line are equal parts disgusted at the display, amazed by your boldness, and upset that they didn’t think of it first

6. If playing basketball and there’s someone who happens to be open but I don’t want them to shoot, I’ll pass the ball to them in a way that messes up their rhythm and forces them to give the ball back to me

A win/win for all because I don’t have to hear them bitch about not getting the ball when they were open, and the team doesn’t have to suffer while his shitty shooting ass hits the side of the backboard with a fadeaway

7. If at a bar and buying a drink for a woman I know, I’ve been known to take a sip of it first before handing it over

As shitty as this seems, no one has ever seemed to mind this. Not sure if this says more about me or the women I know

8. I’m becoming progressively racist

Not in a dangerous or malicious way, but in a 69 year old Black uncle “I’ll take you to the cookout with me as long as you promise to remember that his name is “James” and not “Kung-Pow” way

9. I have no problem with, um, “multitasking” while on the phone

Tasks include (but aren’t limited to): Eating, peeing, brushing my teeth, sleeping, typing, typing with one hand, showering, taking shits, and taking showers.

10. I occasionally pee in the shower…while I have shower company

As long as you have good aim and can hit the drain with minimal splash residue, it’s not really that big of a deal.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me today. I know I’m not alone, though. Can any of you relate? Are there any somewhat, but not really all that shitty things you do on a regular basis and have absolutely no remorse about them?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Hey young world,

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Click image to enlarge.

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Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://www.twitter.com/pleasefeedthedj ChaoticDiva

    Well, with #7, I’ve gotten into the habit of forcing guys who are buying me a drink to take a sip of it in front of me so I know I haven’t been drugged. Yeah, I may be a little paranoid, but it sure was funny watching this guy semi-stalk me having to cater to my whims after I had just met him.

    In other news, if I feel like I’ve been used by a person, I will become very manipulative and evil to them…..and tell them point blank. Like my ex. Fresh from a breakup, I ran into him, and told him that I was using him as a rebound because I was too lazy to find someone else, and he’s hot. Yes, I said that to him. To his face. In a public bar.

    I don’t think I’m a bad person. But I do think I can be kind of a d*ck sometimes. Guess it makes up for the fact that since I’m a girl, I don’t have one of those.

    • http://twitter.com/HumanSpiderACNJ The Human Spider AKA The Infamous “Leave Tony Parker Open” Defense

      Yeah, #7 sounds like an act of chivalry more than anything else. Like, “This guy didn’t collapse after immediately drinking what will now become my drink, so we cool. Sorta.”

      Wait, you felt like you were being used by the ex in question, or was that a completely d_ck move?

      • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        I’m with #7 for that reason. I’m a light weight when it comes to liquor…shoot, I might have him drink half

    • Rewind

      That last paragraph = BAWSE.

      I always here of women getting away with gangster shyte when it comes to their ex-boyfriends. I never met a dude who got bold to his exe’s face. Just once a dude should have the balls to say “look, I’m using your throat as an efficient hole because you didn’t do this shyte before and I don’t have much of a reason to pretend like I care about what you think now”.

      Because I heard a girl say that to her ex and spilled my drink while laughing. And that was a good ass drink.

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      mmmhmmm…#7 makes Champ cool in my book!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “mmmhmmm…#7 makes Champ cool in my book!”

        that makes two of us! I’m cool in my book too

        • Asiyah

          Maybe it’s the same book…

  • Cheech

    If cooking for other people i have no hesitation of taking the best ish for myself. I’m doing the work I deserve the good stuff

    • Iceprincess2

      Omg I do this too! If some of the fries are perfect and the rest are a tad bit burnt, guess who’s getting the burnt ones? Not I.

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        Note to self: Do not eat at Iceprincess’s house- not that she can actually cook anyway…*snickers*

        • Iceprincess2

          Lol! You must be crazy. I’m nice wit it fool.

          • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

            So you say *snickers*

    • http://twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

      Damn straight I get the best if I cooked it. Big piece of chicken: mine! Fattest shrimp: mine! Crisp-est lettuce: mine! As a kid when I had to serve my elders I’d always swap their’s with mine. How you gon’ expect me to carry a full plate of food to old woman with 3 teeth tho? The kiddie plate was probably easier for her to digest anyway.

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        *walks by and takes the fattest shrimp off Think2Inspire’s plate while her back is turned*

        This is some good sh*t

        *sees her looking at me*

        Oh sh*t! *takes off running*

        • http://www.twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

          *Releases the hounds on PA.*

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      I feel guilty doing that! It makes me feel like I did something so effed up. #DramaticAsiyah

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “If cooking for other people i have no hesitation of taking the best ish for myself. I’m doing the work I deserve the good stuff”

      I usually give the best stuff to my guest, but leave the biggest/most for me

  • http://twitter.com/HumanSpiderACNJ The Human Spider AKA The Infamous “Leave Tony Parker Open” Defense

    Real talk, I know of someone that does #4 (only not at other people’s houses). No names will be given for the sake of privacy, but I saw them do that once we started talking.

    Nothing wrong with #9, because I feel that if you haven’t done any “multitasking” on the phone, then you haven’t been using your phone properly. Shoot, I was playing a game on NBA 2K13 during a phone conversation. While getting more perturbed as the game kept slipping.

    And #3 used to piss me ALL THE WAY OFF when I was working the drive-thru at a fast food joint. Thankfully, I don’t have to put up with that [*censored*] anymore…

    • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      In my opinion though, taking a drink out of a carton isn’t doing anybody any harm. Turning your back on people when they’re talking, or hogging covers are more nefarious than taking a sip of milk from a gallon.

      …that’s only assuming I knew anything about what you’re talking about of course :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “And #3 used to piss me ALL THE WAY OFF when I was working the drive-thru at a fast food joint. Thankfully, I don’t have to put up with that [*censored*] anymore…”

      Yeah, this pisses me off when people do it too

  • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 fiveisthenumber

    I’m a number 9er as well…notorious for taking my talents to south beach while i’m on the phone.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      that’s gross

  • http://www.blacklatinafabulous.WordPress.com maris

    Other than the fact that if we are not “actual” friends I have no emotion for you (seriously, I bumped into an old co worker and all they could say that was new in their life is their pet died, and all I could muster was, “see, that’s why I can’t have a pet”-I know, I know…) I can’t think of a truly shitty thing I do on purpose. I do, however, order grotesquely complicated drinks the few times I walk into Starbucks. If I’m giving you five bucks for a cup of mud, it had better be worth my while.

    • Rewind

      lmao @ you being a shytty person on the inside when it comes to others. We are so alike. Yay.

      • http://www.blacklatinafabulous.wordpress.com Maris

        \o/

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      “(seriously, I bumped into an old co worker and all they could say that was new in their life is their pet died, and all I could muster was, “see, that’s why I can’t have a pet”-I know, I know…)”

      It would have been funny as hell if you were like “Man…f*ck you and your pet!” LMAO!

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        BOL! Well I’m not sure if that would have been funny at all but this comment was funny…

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          The funy thing is that I know someone who said it. In Auburn, it’s a very pet friendly place- there’s a lot of animal rights activists here. So me and a co-worker were at Best Buy and somone snuck their little do in an electronics store.

          The dog started barking at my co-worker and he almost kicked the dog. That’s when the dog owner saw it and was like “Hoiw dare you!’. He responded “Man, f*ck you and your pet!” LMAO!!!!

    • The F.acially U.nappealing C.hicago K.id?

      I’m the same way with people I’m not friends with. With people in general, if it has nothing to do with me or if I don’t benefit from it, I don’t give a sh!t.

      • Kyle from Yale

        You, my friend, are a selfish idiot. Most of you guys on this blog just lack basic home training. It’s clear that education doesn’t equal knowledge. So many of you adults here (I sure do see your kind in clubs/bars, and wonder how ‘grown ups’ could be so childish, and mannerless) are still about to drop the youthful exuberances, you all should have dropped years ago. It wouldn’t cost you an arm and a leg to be responsible, and reasonable.

    • sincereluv4life

      seriously, I bumped into an old co worker and all they could say that was new in their life is their pet died, and all I could muster was, “see, that’s why I can’t have a pet”-I know, I know…)

      I can’t stop laughing at this foot in mouth incident LOL, don’t feel bad. I asked somebody what their halloween costume was supposed to be at work & they didn’t have a costume on…. oops :-/

  • Lyshebaaaa

    I just like to make SURE people feel stupid when they something stupid. Why should they get to be blissfully oblivious? Also, try saying ‘blissfully oblivious’ out loud, it’s a lot of fun!

    • Lyshebaaaa

      *say
      I forgot to type ‘say’. I FEEL STUPID.

    • http://twitter.com/HumanSpiderACNJ The Human Spider AKA The Infamous “Leave Tony Parker Open” Defense

      Blissfully obvious…rolls off the tongue real well…

    • msdebbs

      Yea I’m notorious for doing this.

  • Iceprincess2

    Wow champ, I too sneak & drink straight from the container at folks’ houses. Feels good to know I’m not the only trifling one who does this. I feel strangely closer to you now :-)

    • Rewind

      *wondered why my fridge was empty that time I let you come over*

      Son of a bitch, I need a Masterlock the next time I invite you over.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I feel strangely closer to you now :-)”

      that’s what drugs will do to you

  • Iceprincess2

    Sh*tty things I do one a regular basis: 1) Put my bag in the seat next to me on the train to thwart folks from sitting by me. 2) Feign interest in a guy JUST for the free drink, then disappear once he buys it. I always say “thank you” tho! 3) Shoplift from stores. Hey, they’ve got theft insurance anyway. Plus, they dont really need that bottle of Malbec, they’ve got 10 more just like it on their shelf!

    • msdebbs

      “Put my bag in the seat next to me on the train to thwart folks from sitting by me”

      I used to do that all the time was I was a frequent bus rider…but that shait don’t work on older island women they will hand you yo shait and sit in the seat like it aint nothing.

      • Charle

        I tried that bag-on-the-seat-next-to-me maneuver a month ago, when I was visiting a friend for the weekend…and a older, tipsy dude proceeded not to give one single f*ck as he wobbled unsteadily across me and FELL INTO MY LAP. Haaale no. Never again.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      i always leave a bag there unless they actually ask to sit….closed mouths dont get fed out here

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      2) Feign interest in a guy JUST for the free drink, then disappear once he buys it. I always say “thank you” tho! 3) Shoplift from stores. Hey, they’ve got theft insurance anyway.

      so you’re evil, and a criminal?

      • Iceprincess2

        Yep and yep!

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          At least you’re honest about it *snickers*

    • CNotes

      “Put my bag in the seat next to me on the train to thwart folks from sitting by me”

      …..and that is the seat I always target to sit in. When the person *sighs* out of frustration due to my asking them to move, I give them a nice big smile. Yep! *snickering*

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    “As many of you know, I’ve been cat sitting for a few months now”

    I’ve only read this far, but anyone who will cat sit for more than a 3-day weekend is a freakin saint. you can’t be that bad of a person. I’d be the cat version of Cruella De Vil right about now

    • Rewind

      I’ve been cat sitting for 2 years. I’m not a saint, I’m God’s drunken step-son.

      I thought love made murder a decent option depending on how much that person can twist your heart. But a cat….a cat seems to invoke one’s inner sociopath.

      • Manny

        All CATS are assholes. Every Single One. Fuck ‘em

        • Rewind

          Honestly…you’re right. Never met a cat I was truly fond of because they suck.

      • sincereluv4life

        I dog sat for my mom for 3 years straight when she decided she wanted a redo of her 20’s & decided to move to another state & live on campus (go mom!). Once I got all attached my mom comes & takes JoJo back*tears*. So I feel ur pain Rewind (and Champ), unless you got papers on the kitty, it ain’t yours.

        (resist the temptation to read too deeply in to the last sentence. pls & thk u.)

        • Rewind

          Nah I don’t have papers. I won’t front. I am attached to this cat. But if she’s a small indication of what it will be like to have kids, then the amount of effort I put into kicking her in the face (lightly…I am not that evil) and neglecting her for hours probably isn’t a good sign of what I can become.

    • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      Anyone who cat sits for more than a weekend is an in denial cat owner.

      • chameleonic

        word.

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Tes I agree with you. Everytime Champ mentions cat sitting I translate as him saying “my cat”.

        Champ, the first step is accepting that your a cat owner.

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        champ been cat sitting longer than kim k’s marriage….he’s def a cat owner

        • Breezy

          + 1

          He better hurry up and find a real mate (not those pseudo chicks he talked about earlier this week) before he becomes the OLD man and the cat.

          • whostolethesoul1

            *tapping foot* you watch someone else will mysteriously need a “cat-sitter” and there will be another—>because the cat needed some company

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “champ been cat sitting longer than kim k’s marriage”

          this is funny (and sad) because it’s true

      • Rewind

        To hell with you sucka!

        That aint my cat. Just because I use my money to feed her and buy her damn cat litter, clean up the dumps she takes that resemble a small human child, and occasionally pet her just because she requires affection does not make me her owner.

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

          right. you’re not her owner, you’re her valet. (smile)

          • Rewind

            Esa, you’re making my reality miserable. Let me lie to myself.

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

              who am i to stand in the way of fantasies and illusions and delusions ~*~ indeed they are a few of my favorite things

    • http://dashwilliams.me/ Dash

      I like cats. We have always been cool. I like that they only bother you when they want something that you can actually give them. Their sometimeyness is part of their charm.

      • Rewind

        That’s exactly why I don’t like her anymore. Ever since she got a taste of freedom out in my back yard, her fat ass only comes around when she wants food. Now it’s cold and she can’t go outside, so her new hobby is to literally stalk you for hours on end until you feed her, then 2 hours later, stalk you some more. The only exchange I’m getting out of this is a headache.

  • Hoppa

    I can’t be mean to people. If I am, it haunts me til the end of my days. I made someone feel stupid two summers ago and I still feel bad about it. I talked badly of a girl I subsequently found out had a mental handicap, this happened six months ago and I cringe every time I think about it.

    Most of the things on your list aren’t really that bad though, I mean, you’re not hurting anyone by eating your food while waiting in line, or when peeing while on the phone. Some of the things are pretty gross, but not necessarily bad. In that basketball reference you were intentionally trying to avoid making someone feel bad.

    • Lyshebaaaa

      I wouldn’t make someone feel stupid for not knowing something or being slower at processing things. That’s not bad, that’s actually EVIL. However, I am not kind to people who like to give their opinions from an ill informed, lazily ignorant point of view. Especially when they offer up their ignorance so eagerly…

      • Rewind

        There’s no reason to be kind to those kinds of people. In fact, it is your civic duty to shyte on them as much as possible until they get the point that their arrogance will not be tolerated.

        • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          That sounds like arrogance to me. Possibly why they might be intolerant of you and not give a f*ck what you think. Just saying.

          • Rewind

            While I was just playing around, I do have little patience for people of extreme ignorance. But my choice is just to avoid them, rather than entertain.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      Well…it’s about time you get broken in.
      Hi, I’m Perverted Alchemist- nice to meet you. Today, I’m going to teach you how to make someone cry- walk this way please…

      • CNotes

        “Well…it’s about time you get broken in. Hi, I’m Perverted Alchemist- nice to meet you”

        Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!
        LOL!!

      • Kyle from Yale

        May I borrow this? :-)

    • chameleonic

      your first paragraph is exactly how i am. when im mean to someone i feel SO bad about it and even when theres completely justified reasons for me to be nasty to someone i generally just let it go. i dont like feeling poisoned by animosity so ill deal with the person and leave it alone. no guilt. no dissonance. some reflection that makes me feel a little wayward but not like it used to be.