10 Real, Actual, Really Important Things The Bill Cosby Story Is Distracting Us From
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Along with the people who still refuse to consider that Bill Cosby might be more like cockroach — and not “Cockroach” the character from The Cosby Show, but an actual cockroach — than Cliff Huxtable, there’s another, more subversive, strain of Cosby sympathizers. Perhaps they’ll (reluctantly) admit that the Cos might be a rapist, but “in the big scheme of things” it “doesn’t really matter” because “this is a smokescreen to distract us from the real issues.” Like how Chick-fil-A is putting arsenic in our hand-spun vanilla milkshakes. Or how the Gay Agenda is an elaborate subterfuge for the continued emasculation of the Black male. Or how the arsenic in those milkshakes contain a special chemical specifically created to make Black men perpetually flaccid…which continues the emasculation of the Black male.
But, after some serious reflection last night, I had to admit that they’re right. The Cosby story is distracting us from more serious stories. Things we all need to be aware of and taking about instead of the Cosby smokescreen. There are too many of them to count, so for the sake of time and space, I’ll limit it to 10.
1. You know that Drake song “Know Yourself“? The “running through the six with my woes” song? Well, The Wife Person and I were listening to it in the car a couple months ago, and had the following conversation:
Wife Person: What is he talking about with his woes? What does that mean?
Me: Well, Drake is an emotional dude, and he’s just talking about driving around alone and being really sad.
The entire country should be talking about how I — a person who gets paid to follow, write about, and deconstruct pop culture — actually believed (for months!) that “woes” was a reference to Drake’s sadness. And was so confident in that belief that I shared it with another person.
2. This really, really, really, really nice ass I saw in Giant Eagle yesterday. Really, really, really, really nice asses need to be thought about and appreciated thoroughly. Not doing so is a side eye to God. But I was too distracted by thinking about Bill Cosby to give it the brain space it needed.
3. You know that guy who was like “fuck that alligator” and the alligator was like “say it with your chest” and ate him? Well, did you know that guy’s friend killed that alligator? And the guy who killed the alligator is named Bear? (Seriously.)
This should be the country’s biggest story, but Bill Cosby’s bitch-ass is preventing that from happening.
4. The sweatpants I decided to wear last week. While playing basketball. Outdoors. In 95 degree heat.
5. The simultaneous and continuous squirting orgasms half the Bougie Black Girls on my Facebook/Twitter feeds are having right now after seeing Drake’s recent thirst trap pictures. Because I’m worried that all that squirting is going to lead to dehydration. And I don’t want my friends to be dehydrated.
6. How good salmon croquettes are. Crab cakes get all the fish cake love. But has anyone ever had a salmon croquette and NOT thought “Why don’t I have salmon croquettes more often?” They’re basically the Pusha T of fish cakes.
7. This picture, of a bunch of multi-millionaire niggas on a banana boat.
Because, if I was a multi-millionaire, I’d be doing…
…exactly this. All the time.
8. How, in a pinch last week when I couldn’t find my cologne, I considered using scented OFF! spray instead. I didn’t seriously consider it. But I considered it. And Cosby is distracting us from talking about that.
9. Google changing my chat shit to Hangouts. Which is taking me entirely too long to learn how to navigate. So I hate it. Because, since I rock baggy sweatpants to hoop in 95 degree weather, I’m at that stage in my life where I hate change. And I hate Google for reminding me of that.
10. How everyone who writes a status about the Cosby story being a distraction manages to insert a bunch of illogical and inane hashtags after the status. Do they all meet up somewhere beforehand (On Google Hangouts, perhaps) and agree do to it? Or do they carry around a Scrabble letter bag full of shitty hashtags like #iwontbefooled and #keepfallingfortheokiedoke and #thecoontowntrainisboarding, reach their hands in, and post whichever one they choose? And where do you buy the Scrabble letter bag of shitty hashtags? Is there an online store? Are they crowd-funded? Do they take PayPal?
These are the types of questions we need to be answering. So #staywoke.