10 Real, Actual, Really Important Things The Bill Cosby Story Is Distracting Us From » VSB

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10 Real, Actual, Really Important Things The Bill Cosby Story Is Distracting Us From

Along with the people who still refuse to consider that Bill Cosby might be more like cockroach — and not “Cockroach” the character from The Cosby Show, but an actual cockroach — than Cliff Huxtable, there’s another, more subversive, strain of Cosby sympathizers. Perhaps they’ll (reluctantly) admit that the Cos might be a rapist, but “in the big scheme of things” it “doesn’t really matter” because “this is a smokescreen to distract us from the real issues.” Like how Chick-fil-A is putting arsenic in our hand-spun vanilla milkshakes. Or how the Gay Agenda is an elaborate subterfuge for the continued emasculation of the Black male. Or how the arsenic in those milkshakes contain a special chemical specifically created to make Black men perpetually flaccid…which continues the emasculation of the Black male.

But, after some serious reflection last night, I had to admit that they’re right. The Cosby story is distracting us from more serious stories. Things we all need to be aware of and taking about instead of the Cosby smokescreen. There are too many of them to count, so for the sake of time and space, I’ll limit it to 10.

1. You know that Drake song “Know Yourself“? The “running through the six with my woes” song? Well, The Wife Person and I were listening to it in the car a couple months ago, and had the following conversation:

Wife Person: What is he talking about with his woes? What does that mean?

Me: Well, Drake is an emotional dude, and he’s just talking about driving around alone and being really sad.

The entire country should be talking about how I — a person who gets paid to follow, write about, and deconstruct pop culture — actually believed (for months!) that “woes” was a reference to Drake’s sadness. And was so confident in that belief that I shared it with another person.

2. This really, really, really, really nice ass I saw in Giant Eagle yesterday. Really, really, really, really nice asses need to be thought about and appreciated thoroughly. Not doing so is a side eye to God. But I was too distracted by thinking about Bill Cosby to give it the brain space it needed.

3. You know that guy who was like “fuck that alligator” and the alligator was like “say it with your chest” and ate him? Well, did you know that guy’s friend killed that alligator? And the guy who killed the alligator is named Bear? (Seriously.)

This should be the country’s biggest story, but Bill Cosby’s bitch-ass is preventing that from happening.

4. The sweatpants I decided to wear last week. While playing basketball. Outdoors. In 95 degree heat.

5. The simultaneous and continuous squirting orgasms half the Bougie Black Girls on my Facebook/Twitter feeds are having right now after seeing Drake’s recent thirst trap pictures. Because I’m worried that all that squirting is going to lead to dehydration. And I don’t want my friends to be dehydrated.

6. How good salmon croquettes are. Crab cakes get all the fish cake love. But has anyone ever had a salmon croquette and NOT thought “Why don’t I have salmon croquettes more often?” They’re basically the Pusha T of fish cakes.

7. This picture, of a bunch of multi-millionaire niggas on a banana boat.

banana boat

Of course some shit’s gonna go down when there’s a billion dollars on a banana boat

Because, if I was a multi-millionaire, I’d be doing…

…exactly this. All the time. 

8. How, in a pinch last week when I couldn’t find my cologne, I considered using scented OFF! spray instead. I didn’t seriously consider it. But I considered it. And Cosby is distracting us from talking about that.

9. Google changing my chat shit to Hangouts. Which is taking me entirely too long to learn how to navigate. So I hate it. Because, since I rock baggy sweatpants to hoop in 95 degree weather, I’m at that stage in my life where I hate change. And I hate Google for reminding me of that.

10. How everyone who writes a status about the Cosby story being a distraction manages to insert a bunch of illogical and inane hashtags after the status. Do they all meet up somewhere beforehand (On Google Hangouts, perhaps) and agree do to it? Or do they carry around a Scrabble letter bag full of shitty hashtags like #iwontbefooled and #keepfallingfortheokiedoke and #thecoontowntrainisboarding, reach their hands in, and post whichever one they choose? And where do you buy the Scrabble letter bag of shitty hashtags? Is there an online store? Are they crowd-funded? Do they take PayPal?

These are the types of questions we need to be answering. So #staywoke.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • miss t-lee

    “The entire country should be talking about how I — a person who gets paid to follow, write about, and deconstruct pop culture — actually believed (for months!) that “woes” was a reference to Drake’s sadness. And was so confident in that belief that I shared it with another person.”

    Oh dear.

    • I’ve never heard the term “woes”.

      • miss t-lee

        I just figured it was the shortened version of “whoadie” which is Louisiana slang some of my peeps from there used to use.
        You know everything old is new again.

        • Ebony Chappel

          exactly. that’t what i thought he meant when i first heard the song too

          • miss t-lee

            *daps*

        • That girl MEL!

          Thought the same thing. Since he did used to hang with Bird Man and Wayne and all them.

          • miss t-lee

            Yup. That’s how I figured he was put on.

        • Okay. He just truncated and recycled the term.

          • I’m a Juvenile stan so I added his “Set It Off” song for reference.

  • Drake is still ugly and there is no amount of facial hair that can convince me he isn’t.

    • Cleojonz

      I don’t trust people who’s eyes are set too far apart.

    • miss t-lee

      I mean, I was there with you until about a month ago.
      All of a sudden he got a little grown man weight and that beard, and I’m conflicted, because my mind’s telling me no, but my body…

      I’ll see myself out.

      • He still soft though, the only thing he really gained was abs. If I poke his bicep it would probably feel like a marshmallow.

        • miss t-lee

          I don’t really much care, hard bodies do nothing for me…lol

          • Kema

            More for me I suppose. :-)

            • miss t-lee

              Indeed…lol

      • Yessssss. Oops too loud. I mean. He looks like a roadie man for real. #smacksself ok. Ewww

    • skinnynow

      I don’t know. The facial hair is hiding a lot of the things I found unattractive. And the muscles are definitely distracting me from his face.

      • miss t-lee

        HYFR.

        • Epsilonicus

          Nice wordplay

          • miss t-lee

            *curtsies*

    • Elowwole

      Drakes face needed hair. Desperately.

    • Wild Cougar

      He’s fine if you look at him out the corner of your eye. I’d do him. Once.

      • I feel like Drake would be a boring lay.

        • mssporadic

          He’s right up there with Maxwell and Musiq Soulchild. I think they cry afterwards.

          • And miguel too. Just looks meh

  • Cleojonz

    I really HATE people that post a string of random hastags that aren’t even a thing. So annoying! And with improper spelling. Just the worst!

    • IsitFridayyet?

      But how will everyone know that #Ihatedrama #keepitreel and #Luvmybae if I don’t use numerous hashtags?

      • Cleojonz

        how many people search them non hashtags though? lol.

        • IsitFridayyet?

          Lol, probably other lost souls.

          • Cleojonz

            Sometimes I will randomly search a term just to see if anyone posted anything like it, so yeah I guess lol. I would never search #luvmybae. I’d be to skerred to see what popped up.

  • Yellow Tail

    #staywoke

  • SOJo

    the caption under #7’s photo almost made me piss myself.

    and ain’t #9 the truth – f’ this Hangouts shhh.

  • 6. Nah, homie salmon croquettes go hard everywhere.

    I want to pretend to be a conspiracy theorist one day just to see if the stupid is actually more comforting than the reality normal folk live in.

    *Looks skyward for Russian bombers being piloted by Jared from Subway and anti-Confederate flag supporters.

    • miss t-lee

      salmon croquettes are always good money.
      This post just made me miss my mom and grandma’s version.

      • Keisha

        Me too!

        • miss t-lee

          You gotta make some this weekend, too!

    • skinnynow

      Now I gotta make sure my dad makes some when I see him this weekend.

  • #11: The Deandre Jordan kidnapping/emoji battle last night

  • Courtney Wheeler

    I wonder when leg day is for Drake….that’s important..I hate when dudes just work on their upper body. The it’s like you’ll have cocktail straws for legs.

    • Val

      This comment makes me think of Common. Lol

      • Courtney Wheeler

        See I didn’t even realize Common worked out. Here I am concentrating on him being a veterinarian

        • Val

          Veterinarian? Really?

          • Courtney Wheeler

            Vegetarian* hahaha typo

    • Keisha

      This is a whole lot of guys I know…smh. :-/

    • Question

      Cocktail straws? Not even regular straws, but cocktail straws??

  • Baemie St. Patrick

    I’m not bougie enough for Google hangouts.
    Aubrey has really put on some grown man weight.
    Melo wasn’t fawkin with that boat. Me neither, plair.

    Can we talk the idiot from the Giants who got his finger amputated?! I don’t know his position well enough to know if he needs all 10 fingers, but why put yourself in that position?! You essentially have a million dollar body. And don’t give Eli a reason to suck any more. He needs all the fingers, toes, and prayers he can get.

    • laddibugg

      I’ve read that he doesn’t need all ten. But he’s still a big dummy for losing it like he did.

    • Courtney Wheeler

      This hasn’t been a good week for us Giants fans…..

      http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2013-10/enhanced/webdr02/11/14/anigif_enhanced-buzz-716-1381515338-30.gif
      I still ride with Eli though…I’m in a co-dependent relationship with him

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        he looks as if he’s in need of a sponsor.

      • Val

        As a devout NY Football Giants fan I think Eli’s best years are far behind him. They need to find a new qb now before he gets any worse.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          This will be a super hard and bitter pill for me to swallow..he gave me such exciting super bowl wins. *cries*
          I just aint ready to let go…but I know this upcoming season will probably be trash..

          • Val

            Yeah, I’m preparing myself for the worst. I’m going to keep rooting for the Seahawks until the Giants get better.

            • Fair weather fan smh You don’t get to clown me about my team until you claim yours at their worst.

              • Val

                Nothing fair weather about it. Everyone knows I’m a Giants fan. I’m not rooting for anyone else in the NFC East, so I’m okay. I get too depressed if I can’t root for a contender. Lol And, I’m still going to clown any team in that made-up division.

                • Back to back Champions of said “made-up” division. Hate on hater ;-)

                  • Val

                    You’d better hope they never dissolve that division becasue your team wouldn’t last a second in any other, especially the NFC East. Just saying.

                    • What you’re talking about is a bunch of “what-ifs” and I live in the real world where my team won their division by winning the most games in their division just like every other team did in their respective division. It ain’t my fault we only needed 7 wins to take home the title
                      http://33.media.tumblr.com/8d7e60a039f9c3b8067dd6b15098ca5d/tumblr_mf6k31L3Ql1ql5yr7o3_250.gif

                    • Val

                      How far did they get in the playoffs? I keep forgetting.

                    • Further than the Giants.

                    • Val

                      That’s not saying much. Lol

                    • Call it what you want but we don’t control the other teams in our division :-) Sounds like your boys need to rise to the occasion so you can stop searching for alternate teams to support so you can say someone you liked won a game.

                    • Val

                      Yep, they do.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Ouch

                    • Angel Baby

                      LOL Did this crazy chic really twirl and walk off like that though?! bwahahahaha hilarious!!! Cynthia had to hold her head like “oh here we go!”

        • Eli has a few more good years. His line has been iffy and his receivers need to stay healthy too.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            and a running game; he needs play action in order to be great.

            • Their run game can get better with work. They need another receiver too. Odell has only played 12 games so I’m not crowning him yet.

          • Val

            Bad O line or not he has too much experience to have any excuses for the number of interceptions he’s thrown.

            • He’s always thrown picks at a high volume. That’s what you get with him.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                the reasons are different now. First it was because he was young and couldn’t read a defense. Now it’s because he’s not a west coast offense guy, his wrs are hurt, and there’s not run game => crowd the line and make him beat you.

    • Yes let’s talk about the dummy who was playing with fireworks. Your entire livelihood centers around your hands and your legs and you go do something foolish like that.

    • Cleojonz

      Like Ebro on Hot 97 said this morning – he doesn’t need his index finger. He needs his big burly body. He still has arms he can still wrap his arms around a quarterback. I shouldn’t have though this was funny but I hollered.

      I’m still amazed at all the stupid things athletes do to jeopardize their careers in the off season. I have no sympathy. You can say it’s for the kids but he can afford to hire someone and honestly small kids are happy with some sparklers.

      But what about that idiot that ended up killing himself shooting fireworks off his head?

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        I don’t wanna say he deserved that, but…Darwinism. The Disney community is all verklempt now b/c he was a “friend of Gaston”…..

        white people.

      • Damon Young

        another reason why basketball >>>>>>> football. because “he doesn’t need his f*cking fingers to be effective” would never be said about a hooper.

        • Keisha

          Speaking of basketball, my Spurs are making major moves! I forsee another championship win in our future next season! :-)

          • miss t-lee

            YASSSSSSS.

          • Andie

            WIZARDSSSSSSSSSSSSSS *I used more S’s mss t-lee. Take That*

          • MsSula

            I am like YES! YES!! YES! Next year, we are slaying for sure.

        • Brass Tacks

          ^^^LIES

      • Kema

        Another guy just died from shooting fireworks off his chest. Smh!

        • miss t-lee

          I read a story earlier this week about a guy who died launching something off of his head.
          Like whyyyyyy?

          • Darwinism at its finest my friend. A kid died playing Russian Roulette with his friends. I think the world is a better place without such individuals.

            • Val

              Don’t hold back, AP. Lol

              • Anyone who dies because they willingly put a loaded gun to their head and pulled the trigger, for “fun”, isn’t someone who can offer the world much.

                • Val

                  I just really enjoy your candor. Plus, sometimes you say stuff I’m thinking but am too shy (polite) to say.

                  • Lea Thrace

                    AP is our personal Luther (anger translator). Bwahahaha

                  • Am I still young enough to blame my youth for my “candor”??

              • miss t-lee

                Really though.
                Jeez.

            • DBoySlim

              I get the side eye for saying this. Some people are like Alan from the hangover. They’re only alive because someone is watching over them.

            • miss t-lee

              I mean, I’m not gonna say all of that per se’, but sh*t.
              Common sense, ain’t common.

    • Tristan

      Google hangouts grew on me

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        I’m at the point where if I need a tutorial, it ain’t for me. I deleted Snapchat for that reason.

        • Tristan

          Snapchat was just confusing…and i still have no idea what Reddit is

          • Baemie St. Patrick

            a headache. Reddit is a headache.

          • miss t-lee

            Reddit is just a hot mess.

            • Just Kia

              I can’t stand their interface, it’s too confusing and messy.

              • miss t-lee

                That’s why after trying to read a few AMAs I just said, NOPE.

          • Keisha

            Snapchat isn’t really confusing…it’s just so simple that you think, “There has to be more to this app than this.” …but in reality, there’s not. :-)

            • That girl MEL!

              NOW THAT IS THE TRUEST STATEMENT EVER!

          • Epsilonicus

            Reddit has me lost too

        • Keisha

          I love snapchat…it’s a great way to kill time when you’re bored.

  • Lea Thrace

    Don’t worry Damon. I thought that’s what he meant by woes as well. My friends teenage daughter corrected me quite loudly and with a strong tint of pity in the middle of a cookout. Never been so embarrassed in my life. womp womp.

    • Damon Young

      i’m glad i’m not alone

    • Angel Baby

      I still think it’s a play on words and he meant to do that. He knows he’s famous and talked about by being a woeful ninja and it just fit perfectly.

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