10 Not Really All That Positive Things Black America Should Still Be Thankful For

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“Don’t worry about it. I never get sick”

I said this to a bartender at a restaurant last week. She’d forgotten to put a straw in my drink, and offered to run in the back and get me one. When I told her not to worry about it, she asked if I was sure, and reminded me that straws protect you from germs and shit. (in hindsight, she was either the most helpful bartender ever or she was definitely flirting with me and I’m just now realizing it)

I was able to say that so confidently because, well, it’s true…I never, ever, ever get sick. Sure, I might get a headache every now and then and maybe a sniffle or two, but I’d have to go back at least a decade to think of a time where I was sick enough to stay in bed all day or legitimately miss a day of work. Recently, I even got arrogant with it and began to test my limits — occasionally intentionally under-dressing for the weather and drinking heavily on nights I knew I had to work early in the morning (I don’t get hangovers either)

Anyway, this conversation occurred on a Wednesday night.

24 hours later, I was getting my ass kicked by some mutant hybrid Vietnamese e coli monkey virus that somehow made its way into my system and didn’t decide to stop kicking my stomachs ass until Tuesday morning. In that 96 hour span, I took roughly 100 shits, lost 15 to 20 pounds, and prayed in about 17 different languages to my toilet.

Thing is, despite the hell it put me through, this bug couldn’t have come at a better time. I’d begun to spread myself too thin with all of my writing/work commitments, and perhaps I just needed some time to close my laptop and refresh my brain before I did anything else. The mutant hybrid Vietnamese e coli monkey virus wasn’t the best thing in the world, but I have to say that I’m thankful that I got it when I did.

Anyway, this experience reminded me that we — humans, Christians, whatever — are supposed to be thankful for everything, not just the seemingly good things. And, as we enter Thanksgiving weekend, I thought of a few more not really all that positive things that we still should be thankful for.

1. Tyler Perry 

As I’ve stated before, Perry’s 100 mph descent into full cinematic retard territory just helps ensure that the Luke to his Anakin will eventually emerge and defeat the formidable Madea Kraken

2. Kim Kardashian

Someone has to entertain those 450 or so locked-out NBA n*ggas. Be thankful it’s not you.

3. Celebrity Twitter Idiocy and Bitchassness

Helps us sleep better when equipped with the knowledge that, regardless of how rich and famous some celebrities might be, the only way they’d beat you at Scrabble is if you replaced your brain with your sphincter.

4. Herman Cain

For showing us that, as long as he’s an unapologetically horny, nonsensical, misinformed, and irrationally elderly man, conservatives do actually care about black people

5. Reality Television Fights

Since the NFL has become increasingly non-violent and boxing has become increasingly irrelevant, Basketball Wives and Love and Hip Hop have become the only times we’re able to experience the vicarious rush that comes from watching a fight involving people we actually “know”

6. The Recession

Just think of all the crack, weave, rims, and chitlins that have been shelved in the last three years because we just couldn’t afford to buy it.

7. The NBA Lockout

No NBA = No commercials for the WNBA during NBA games

8. Unironic ratchetness

Eternally entertaining, unrelentingly spell-bounding, and consistently amazing (unless, of course, you’re close enough to it to catch a bullet ricochet)

9. BET

Just be thankful that they’re continuing to try very hard.

10. Drake’s “Take Care”

For finally providing the perfect soundtrack for the Diva Dude

Anyway, people of VSB, that’s it for me today. Can you think of any other not really all that positive things that either you in particular or black America in general should still be thankful for? 

Oh, and please make sure to have a safe and happy holiday weekend and sh*t.

—The Champ

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/themostinterestingmanintheworld/ TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld

    Gotta add our beloved Hip-Hop to the list for reasons that should be obvious to the VSB/VSS community.

    Jordans. One of the best things about being an adult with grown up paper is that I can spend my money buying re-released versions of over-priced, made in china by a 12 year old for $1.36 Michael Jordan sneakers that I would never have asked my grandmoms for as a child.

    On that note… Concorde 11′s drop December 23rd… who’s with me???

    • Kidsister

      “Jordans. One of the best things about being an adult with grown up paper is that I can spend my money buying re-released versions of over-priced, made in china by a 12 year old for $1.36 Michael Jordan sneakers that I would never have asked my grandmoms for as a child.”

      You ain’t never lied! I’m with you all day on this one. I just finished telling my aunt today how I was getting me a pair. Not so much because I like the shoe but more so because I feel like its a right of passage.

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      Your Jordans might be made my Chinese 12 year olds, but my custom retro Air Maxs arriving today were hand made by the finest Vietnamese kindergarteners. I am thankful for the children. And if my friend Newt becomes president, we can be thankful that our children will no longer have to suffer unemployment.

      Let them stitch Nike.

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        The kindergarteners are taking our jobs!

        • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

          #occupyNike

      • naturalista88

        *Lol*, you’ve made my morning.

        • k-steez

          +1

    • feralanarchy

      i keepz a fresh pair of the black and red B LOYALS on deck!

  • Sabrinutz

    Being able to count to 10.

  • Malik

    I’d say the NBA being gone is a good thing. It’s been decades since we’ve actually had a chance to miss it.

    Not all that positive things for me would be too short anime series because I never get a chance to grow attached to the characters to hit a mini depression when it’s over.

    • LSQ

      sadly it means the ncaa gets even more power, sheesh, the last thing we need is a bigger head on that arrogant beast.

      now if they could just fix that BCS crap, shoot – they’d take over all of sports!

    • k-steez

      Malik ur comments are so cute, u make my day : )

  • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    That was only 8…

    Bloggers: Cause there’s so many of ‘em to keep us unproductively productive at work.

    Soulja Boy: To blame for everything.

    Drake: cause I love him so For bringing Cosby sweaters back.

    • Kidsister

      My cousin had one on today and my immediate thought was that dag on Drake…lol

      • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        You know you love the loudness of them sweaters! It’s retro n sh*t :D

    • CurlyTop

      Without the bloggers I would have actually gotten work done, why the fcuk would I wanna do that? I love them for providing me with the ability to scroll and scan as if I am doing actual work while learning about the latest rachetivity in the world.

    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

      Bloggers: Cause there’s so many of ‘em to keep us unproductively productive at work.

      +1

  • Iamnotakata

    Gold teeth because where would all that excess (Au) floating around go….if it weren’t in so many black folks teeth…………lol j/k I got nothing but interesting post

  • Kidsister

    The housing market…

    This economy sucks and its terrible that people can’t afford to stay in their homes… BUT I’d be lying if I said I don’t see this as an opportunity to get a lot of house for the low.

    • http://twitter.com/HumanSpiderACNJ The Human Spider

      Hmmm…I’ve been looking for a place to call “The Danger Zone.”

      • Kidsister

        Oh snap…Me likey! I’ve already decided on “The Fortress of Solitude”

      • WayUPThere

        *virtual dap for the Macho Man reference*

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      THIS! Home prices are fcuking insane right now. I hope to take advantage in about a year.

  • http://twitter.com/HumanSpiderACNJ The Human Spider

    So I’m guessing Champ won’t be getting a visit from Samuel L. Jackson anytime soon…

    I stopped caring about basketball sometime between the And1 crossover craze, Football (and the end of the NFL lockout) and constantly being asked if I play basketball. So the NBA lockout doesn’t affect me as much (by the way, the NFL is going on, NBA). Plus the Hardwood Classics on NBA TV keep me satisfied.

    Take Care had some prettt dope cuts (Look At What You’ve Done had become my guilty pleasure), but I digress…

    Wait…what were we talking about?

    • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      *throws Maple Leaf confetti for the Drake mention*

      Over My Dead Body > every thing right now

      • http://twitter.com/HumanSpiderACNJ The Human Spider

        Mmmmmmm…maple leaf…

      • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

        *deleted Take Care tracks 2,4,5,6,9,11,12,16,19* so now the the Take Care “EP” >>>>

        • k-steez

          d@mn! that bad?

          • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

            No not that bad! I like a solid 5 tracks…and the rest are iffy/too much/not enough/ or have Wayne on them (._.) womp…

      • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

        i love that you rep harder for forest hill than i do.
        LOL.

        *sends you a canadian care package.

        • Todd

          Can I say it’s ironic that Forest Hill in Toronto and Forest Hills in New York both have a lot of Jews? Maybe there’s something about Jews and trees we don’t know about. LOL

          • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

            Forest Hill in Boston is full of ninjas…we keep it thoro *lets the drop*

          • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

            hmm…*strokes chin in deep thought.

        • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

          *puts care package under e-Christmas tree*
          What can I say? If I could move anywhere, it’d be O-Canada ^_^

          • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

            lol.
            you and many americans. ;)

  • xLadyTx

    Definitely gotta co-sign on #10) Drake’s Take Care…

    I’m an insomniac and this was the only thing that could knock me out…smh.

    • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      *Throws Canadian mountie-shaped confetti for the Drake mention*

      • xLadyTx

        Yay!!!

      • k-steez

        so u get confetti even if it’s a bad mention?

  • ShardeMarie

    “10. Drake’s “Take Care”

    For finally providing the perfect soundtrack for the Diva Dude”

    You know I was just having a debate with my friend (who I swear is a Diva Dude)about Drake. He was singing hymns of praise about Take Care and I was wondering when her turned into such a girl.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      I listened to the samples on Amazon and heard a whole bunch of singing.

      • ShardeMarie

        And crying and cock blocking and hating. The whole album is on some kind of captain save a ___, b*tch why you break my heart, leave that ninja and come back to me type ish. SMH

  • Sboogietime

    Cable. I moved this past weekend and the cable dude doesn’t come til tomorrow…funny is I found myself thinking about missing RHOA, Basketball Wives reunion and Love and Hip Hop. Then I had to fall back, realize what’s wrong w/ that and submit this abstract for an article. I still miss my TV tho. We’ll be reunited shortly…

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      LOL, I tried not to watch those shows either. At least Love & Hip Hop is about people who actually work in the hip hop industry. You will be hard pressed to find a wife amongst the real housewives and —-ball wives.

    • http://Justlissen.wordpress.com JustLissen

      I caught up on LHH all night before my flight. It’s great entertainment and sometimes you see the woman behind the famous man. I really like Chissy & Emily, believable characters