Every two months or so, an article or blog dealing with relationships or sex rips its way through the N*gganet, leaving Twitter, Facebook, and Gmail ablaze. Sometimes these articles are seemingly well-intentioned, but largely inaccurate and ultimately antagonistic. (i.e. “How Black Churches Keep Black Women Single and Lonely“) Sometimes these articles are just plain f*cking stupid. (i.e. “8 Reasons to Date a White Man”)
And sometimes, well, sometimes these articles are kind of awesome. Equal parts blunt, insightful, and funny – and filled with digs at herself and both genders — Tracy McMillian’s “Why You’re Not Married” offers a (race-neutral) list of six roadblocks keeping many 30-something, successful, and marriage-minded woman from the alter.
1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.
But, while McMillan stopped her list at six (and kept it directed at women), I was feeling particularly ambitious yesterday and decided to add 10 more gender neutral roadblocks keeping people from getting married.
1. You’re full-retard
Although a bit of garden-variety retardedness is acceptable (and even attractive to many professional athletes), going full-retard is never cute, and will usually leave you at the city-county building with the rest of the full-retards, asking magistrates if your s*men-eyed ass can press charges for “intentionally bad ejaculatory aim”
2. You smell like the sh*t that drunk truckers take in Waffle House bathrooms at 2:27 am.
While no one is immune to sudden bouts of uncontrolled flatulence, if a baby’s dream and The Dream dies every time you lift one of your arms, the only ring you’re going to see is the barricade of Febreze bottles your co-workers place around your cubicle.
3. You walk around too naked too long in the gym locker room
Being able to walking around butt-ass naked in all your flaccid and/or floppy glory for hours at a time is one of the benefits of being a grown-ass adult and having your own place. But, you regularly extending this flaccid/floppy f*ckery to highly populated public gym locker rooms is keep you from holy matrimony, because after that bullsh*t, God doesn’t want your tactless ass in his house.
4. You eat spoonfuls of cottage cheese
Not only is this keeping you from marriage, the fact that your nasty-ass scoops the bottom of the cottage cheese container with your finger to get those “hidden little pieces” and then licks it off your finger is keeping you from friendship, employment, dignity, and, well, humanity.
5. Not only do you ride a 1o speed to work, you ride it in the middle of the street
The planet appreciates your effort to stay green, and you’re probably an altogether swell guy too, but while you’re driving your Huffy at 13 mph, the negative energy emitting from the dozens of drivers stuck behind you fantasizing about disemboweling you with a Wonton soup spoon will keep anyone from actually wanting to start a life with you.
6. You f*cked Deshawn Stevenson in 2008
Sure, it wasn’t completely your fault. You just had a bad week a work, your man just left you for his step-sister, and you just discovered you have the gout. So, in an attempt to cheer you up, your girls took to Deshawn Stevenson’s birthday party, and even managed to pull a couple strings to get into the VIP section. And, although you expected him to be an a-hole, Deshawn was surprisingly magnanimous; giving you and your girls a bottle of Louis XIII, dancing with you, and even telling his cousin to fetch you a tissue when the weed smoke made your eyes water. Anybody would have fell for him. Sh*t, even me, and I’m not even a gay.
Anyway, eventually one thing led to another, and eventually you were riding him while he was riding in the trunk of Gilbert Arenas’s Escalade, while DeAngelo Hall taped it all.
You eventually moved out of town because of the embarrassment, met a nice guy, and things were going well until he invited you to a NFL game, saying that “his cousin, DeAngelo” got him the tickets. Saddened, you encase yourself in a giant egg for 72 hours, and the nickname the newspapers give you — “the egg girl slut” — keeps you from marriage forever. All because you f*cked Deshawn Stevenson in 2008
7. You use public wi-fi to watch and download p*rn
While it’s an efficient and ingenious use of time (and you might get lucky and turn on a particularly horny barista), not only will people be scared away by your excessively freaky habits, they’ll realize you’re not marriage-material since your 37 year old ass can’t even afford a good enough wi-fi connection to download p*rn in your 200 square foot studio.
8. You walk like a pregnant cow
Not even horses try to hit on and bag cows while they’re pregnant, and a horse will f*ck anything. Don’t believe me? Ask Beyonce.
9. You leave “This is stupid. Who even cares about this?” comments on blogs
I’ve always wondered if people did this — leave comments haughtily expressing their “blahness” about a subject, despite the fact that them taking the time to actually write a comment proved that they cared enough to at least leave a comment — approached the rest of their lives like that. Do they go to restaurants and order food they know they’re allergic to? Do they get approach, court, date, sleep with, and get engaged to women just for the opportunity to tell them “You know, I never really liked you that much?” Do they eat food just to prove to themselves that they’re not hungry? Who knows?
10. You have a pulled-pork vageen
Let’s put it this way. If a guy goes down on you, and his first thought is “Wait, didn’t I see this last week on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives?” the only time you’ll jump the broom is when your lover actually swings a broom at you because he thought your bedraggled vageen was a raccoon with syphilis.
Anyway people of VSB, did I miss anything? Can you think of any other reasons why someone might not be married?