Every two months or so, an article or blog dealing with relationships or sex rips its way through the N*gganet, leaving Twitter, Facebook, and Gmail ablaze. Sometimes these articles are seemingly well-intentioned, but largely inaccurate and ultimately antagonistic. (i.e. “How Black Churches Keep Black Women Single and Lonely“) Sometimes these articles are just plain f*cking stupid. (i.e. “8 Reasons to Date a White Man”)
And sometimes, well, sometimes these articles are kind of awesome. Equal parts blunt, insightful, and funny – and filled with digs at herself and both genders — Tracy McMillian’s “Why You’re Not Married” offers a (race-neutral) list of six roadblocks keeping many 30-something, successful, and marriage-minded woman from the alter.
1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.
But, while McMillan stopped her list at six (and kept it directed at women), I was feeling particularly ambitious yesterday and decided to add 10 more gender neutral roadblocks keeping people from getting married.
1. You’re full-retard
Although a bit of garden-variety retardedness is acceptable (and even attractive to many professional athletes), going full-retard is never cute, and will usually leave you at the city-county building with the rest of the full-retards, asking magistrates if your s*men-eyed ass can press charges for “intentionally bad ejaculatory aim”
2. You smell like the sh*t that drunk truckers take in Waffle House bathrooms at 2:27 am.
While no one is immune to sudden bouts of uncontrolled flatulence, if a baby’s dream and The Dream dies every time you lift one of your arms, the only ring you’re going to see is the barricade of Febreze bottles your co-workers place around your cubicle.
3. You walk around too naked too long in the gym locker room
Being able to walking around butt-ass naked in all your flaccid and/or floppy glory for hours at a time is one of the benefits of being a grown-ass adult and having your own place. But, you regularly extending this flaccid/floppy f*ckery to highly populated public gym locker rooms is keep you from holy matrimony, because after that bullsh*t, God doesn’t want your tactless ass in his house.
4. You eat spoonfuls of cottage cheese
Not only is this keeping you from marriage, the fact that your nasty-ass scoops the bottom of the cottage cheese container with your finger to get those “hidden little pieces” and then licks it off your finger is keeping you from friendship, employment, dignity, and, well, humanity.
5. Not only do you ride a 1o speed to work, you ride it in the middle of the street
The planet appreciates your effort to stay green, and you’re probably an altogether swell guy too, but while you’re driving your Huffy at 13 mph, the negative energy emitting from the dozens of drivers stuck behind you fantasizing about disemboweling you with a Wonton soup spoon will keep anyone from actually wanting to start a life with you.
6. You f*cked Deshawn Stevenson in 2008
Sure, it wasn’t completely your fault. You just had a bad week a work, your man just left you for his step-sister, and you just discovered you have the gout. So, in an attempt to cheer you up, your girls took to Deshawn Stevenson’s birthday party, and even managed to pull a couple strings to get into the VIP section. And, although you expected him to be an a-hole, Deshawn was surprisingly magnanimous; giving you and your girls a bottle of Louis XIII, dancing with you, and even telling his cousin to fetch you a tissue when the weed smoke made your eyes water. Anybody would have fell for him. Sh*t, even me, and I’m not even a gay.
Anyway, eventually one thing led to another, and eventually you were riding him while he was riding in the trunk of Gilbert Arenas’s Escalade, while DeAngelo Hall taped it all.
You eventually moved out of town because of the embarrassment, met a nice guy, and things were going well until he invited you to a NFL game, saying that “his cousin, DeAngelo” got him the tickets. Saddened, you encase yourself in a giant egg for 72 hours, and the nickname the newspapers give you — “the egg girl slut” — keeps you from marriage forever. All because you f*cked Deshawn Stevenson in 2008
7. You use public wi-fi to watch and download p*rn
While it’s an efficient and ingenious use of time (and you might get lucky and turn on a particularly horny barista), not only will people be scared away by your excessively freaky habits, they’ll realize you’re not marriage-material since your 37 year old ass can’t even afford a good enough wi-fi connection to download p*rn in your 200 square foot studio.
8. You walk like a pregnant cow
Not even horses try to hit on and bag cows while they’re pregnant, and a horse will f*ck anything. Don’t believe me? Ask Beyonce.
9. You leave “This is stupid. Who even cares about this?” comments on blogs
I’ve always wondered if people did this — leave comments haughtily expressing their “blahness” about a subject, despite the fact that them taking the time to actually write a comment proved that they cared enough to at least leave a comment — approached the rest of their lives like that. Do they go to restaurants and order food they know they’re allergic to? Do they get approach, court, date, sleep with, and get engaged to women just for the opportunity to tell them “You know, I never really liked you that much?” Do they eat food just to prove to themselves that they’re not hungry? Who knows?
10. You have a pulled-pork vageen
Let’s put it this way. If a guy goes down on you, and his first thought is “Wait, didn’t I see this last week on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives?” the only time you’ll jump the broom is when your lover actually swings a broom at you because he thought your bedraggled vageen was a raccoon with syphilis.
Anyway people of VSB, did I miss anything? Can you think of any other reasons why someone might not be married?
—The Champ
- Purchase our new book, Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime on Amazon.com
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“Tracy McMillian’s “Why You’re Not Married” offers a (race-neutral) list of six roadblocks keeping many 30-something, successful, and marriage-minded woman from the alter.”
Fun fact: she is also a three-time divorcee, read i earlier today and thought is was funny(in that sad “ppl can still write bout this” sort of way)
Sorry bout the double post yesterday
Well technicially she was writing about how to get married and if anything she knows how to get married right?
But maybe if the article read, ” how to sustain a marriage” I would be more skeptical w/her credentials
Well I guess if you know what you did wrong you can offer a “no to do list,” bc she definitely knows that!
That’s what I figured…
Hmmm, good point. Still, reading bout this topic made me notice just how common and also easy it is to write this list over and over again.
O snap im actually the first post. Time for victory tea!
She candidly talked about that in the article. She emphasized that she knew what it took to “get” married.
yea, she mentions that in the article. still, i wouldnt let her past dissuade you from reading it. its a good read
um…just a thought “Kim Kardashian isnt married”…lol. smiles and giggles dont get you down the aisle either apparently….lolol! *goes back to read the rest of the post*
#3 You walk around too naked too long in the gym locker room
Can I testi-FAH! I used to get off work at 11pm and go to the gym afterward. The most desirable lockers are right by the showers, which are always full when the gym is full. And yet, there was a woman who always took the FARTHEST locker from the shower and walked back and forth buck naked…despite the fact that almost no lockers were being used. I can’t
Tell me you said something to her, cause that is just a no ma’am situation lmao
Yeah the imagery of the pulled pork had me on the floor… i didnt need that pic…
the conundrum- pulled pork is so delicious. is ok if it tastes like pulled pork?? LOL
Please WIP, stop it right now. I almost died choking on my coffee.
Gross WIP!! hahahaha
No. It means you need to go to the doctor, get your cholesterol measured, make some lifestyle changes, move out of the south, and go on Lipitor E-ME-JET-LEE.
You ain’t no damn good. You almost killed me with that one.
i bet she was doing that “haters gonna hate stroll”…
http://i51.tinypic.com/23lyscm.jpg
Lol too funny!!
@peter parker – she sure was
@Tes – I stayed quiet. This was a middle aged white woman in a wealthier suburb. If I said “girl, bye” I’d be on the 6 am news “Middle aged woman assaulted in Ritzyville at midnight by enraged Negress”
dead
fa real!
i had a teammate in college who’d have full conversations with you while he was standing and you were sitting at your locker, basically putting his balls eye level. he’s not married now, btw
I’ve been officially kilt by “pulled pork vageen”!! Oh em gee, I need oxygen…lol oh, and cottage cheese is nasty. Yick!
I know I think I vomited in my mouth a lil bit when I saw the picture and the comparison in my mind’s eye…
Funny…he’s not the 1st person I’ve heard refer to mangled lady bits as pulled pork. *snickers*
Mangled lady bits tho? *autotune cry*
Yeah, Champster is really doing the most with the pix this week.
What’s up with that?
Forreal. Big as ish…and just reckless as hayle.
a picture says 1,000 words and sh*t
*dead*
yeah, that imagery is really something i didn’t need to start off my work morning…. pulled pork… smh… i won’t be able to eat one of those sandwiches for a month now…. thanks Champ… lol
My best male friend calls that a “chipped chop ham sandwich”
OMG!!! I can’t stop crying. The term “pulled pork vageen” is EVERYTHING!
Yeah the image just killed me!!!! And then I couldn’t help but think… How does this happen? Does one have a temporary lapse of judgement, read too many Zane books and then go at it with a cheese grater?!?! Too many questions..
That was one of the silliest Champ lists I have seen in quite a while, but anyhoo, you might not be married because of the group of people you hang around. While the whole “chicken heads of a feather” cliche may not always be true, it still rings true to a lot of folks. Whether it is correct or not, people will judge you by your crew. This goes for men or women, but especially to women. Be cognizant of the company you keep.
Oh and the cottage cheese thing was just… just…. yeah.
agreed. if your friends seem like a group of shady haeux you yourself will be viewed as a shady haeux…
lol @ “chicken heads of a feather”
but it is definitely true.
“That was one of the silliest Champ lists I have seen in quite a while”
My sentiments exactly!! LOL!!!
you’re right. evil b*tches run in packs, like wild wolves or jaded hispanics
not bedraggled though…jawns looking like fraggle rock out here LOL….
thats disgustiing
#1 reason you’re not married: You think Lil Duval is funny and follow him on Twitter.
Or you RT Rev Run http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK3PHOwI-qo
No shade at Rev. Run…but I would seriously marry Vanessa and she could have my kids. lol.
i don’t think you’re alone in thinking that. vanessa simmons seems to be turning up on a lot of guy’s top 10 lists
lol NOT the negro twitter anthem!!!!! foolish.
I loves me some Black Twittuh! I have officially been turnt out by the Black Twittuh!
What is wrong with eating cottage cheese? It goes great with peaches or most preserves.
I refused to eat anything that is used to describe vaginal discharge
DEAD!!
So no clam juice either? Or chunky fra diavlo depending on the lunar cycle?
Meech, to the corner –>
100% agree. Just ugh!
@ D’LADY
i was thinking the same thing… what’s wrong with it?
@ Yoles
Me too! It’s great with pineapple as well.
Cottage Cheese is just plain disgusting
exactly. the name alone sounds unappealing.
I can’t. There is absolutely nothing that makes me say, “Hey, I need that in my mouth right now. No thanks…
that’s what she said
Giggles.
It’s the texture. It looks and feels like chewed up food.
Also, it tastes like prison.
NOT prison….LMAO!!
“Also, it tastes like prison.”
I’m spent.
Did you just say, “it tastes like prison?” Cause if you did you owe my momma $5 on the casket. Thanks. LOL
You’re not married because you proclaim that you’re “not book smart, but street smart.” Which really means you’re stupid, because otherwise you wouldn’t bother telling people what you aren’t.
Word.Life.
LOL
Damn, P went in…
…and didn’t come back out either
#thatsGangsta
Pulled-pork vageen? Basically, your vageen looks like North Carolina BBQ? LMAO!!
You’re not married because you’re gassy. How can I take yo seriously when every 8.8 minutes, you emit noxious fumes from either your mouth or your a$$? Not a good look, sir. Not a good look at all.
The food pics are just mean. I really like pulled pork, now I have to think about it.
I don’t like cottage cheese, so it’s all good.
This was a fun post though.
I think the day I’ll take advice on marriage from Terry McMillian is the day I’ll buy a book with Steve Harvey’s name on the front. She’s cornered the market on single and bitter for a long @ss time.
Why You’re Not Married:
1. Your momma says no.
2. Your boys think it’s bad for your image.
3. The inside of your car looks like the inside of a McDonald’s dumpster.
Also that pulled pork picture? SMH I’m neva gonna get that outta my head, nevah! iQuit!
the writer was Tracy McMillian, not Terry “i married a DL brother now i’m bitter” McMillian, two different ppl
>.< Exhaustion won't let me be great. I'll google her in the AM
“, not Terry “i married a DL brother now i’m bitter” McMillian, two different ppl”
*DEAD*
She got bitter after she married that dude?
I think she was always that way and just blamed him for it.
Oh I must have just scanned that as well, cuz I was def. thinking of Terry McMillian
bunch of derek zoolander-ass n*ggas up in this thread
Cut me some slack I’m a student workin on a coupla minutes sleep up in here. Besides, I already did my stint at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too…leave me lone >.< lol
“Can you think of any other reasons why someone might not be married?”
Halitosis – That frown is not because the sun is in their eyes. No, your breath farted.
Personalitylessness – You’re nice to look at…but it ends there.
Intelligence – You’re smart as a brick.
Picky – You’re holding out for the 6-foot tall millionaire who has celebrity friends, dabbles in neuroscience, and plays a mean game of spades after teaching bible study to kids at the orphanage when moonlighting from the comedy circuit.
You Know You’re All That – Except, you’re not.
You Like to Debate – But, your idea of debate is loudly ramming your opinion down someone’s throat until they agree with you.
You’re Paid – So much so in-fact, that after 3 more hustles, you’ll be able to afford that pleather jacket you’ve been eye’ing, and the snake-skinned uggs. Soon, you’ll be able to splurge and get the 3-piece box of chicken.
You’re Independent – And you’ll tell any body who’ll listen (btw, nobody’s listening, nobody cares)
Your Mirror Lies – It tells you you’re still as fine as you were in high school; you ain’t. Far from. Head over to Bally’s. Yes, today. Seriously. Please.
You Just Haven’t Met the Right One – Except for the 17 you ignored because you’re picky…oh, and the midget.
Picky nearly knocked me over. I don’t know how many times I hear things exactly like that followed by “Is that too much to ask for?” O.o yeah, it kinda is.
Also, wouldn’t the 17 being ignored, including the midget be 17 and a half?
i’m not sure i gathered all your points on this issue. can you provide some personal testimony to justify your rationale??????
Personalitylessness. Love the new word, bro, because the definition is so damn true.
This entire list done kilt me… NOT snakeskin UGGs
Good list but wow you have picky mentioned twice
…and here I thought just holding out for a thousanaire with a baby/baby mama ratio <2 and some good insurance was asking for too much. Maybe I won't need the matching outfits for the cats after all.
thousanaire tho?!!
This along with the lists and food commentary has officially killed me dead!
“Picky – You’re holding out for the 6-foot tall millionaire who has celebrity friends, dabbles in neuroscience, and plays a mean game of spades after teaching bible study to kids at the orphanage when moonlighting from the comedy circuit.”
@Caballeroso… when you are funny man you kill… and this is death. ~JS
Picky – You’re holding out for the 6-foot tall millionaire who has celebrity friends, dabbles in neuroscience, and plays a mean game of spades after teaching bible study to kids at the orphanage when moonlighting from the comedy circuit.
D.E.A.D @ ‘dabbles in neuroscience’! You know you there is a girl holding her “list” wondering how you got a hold of it, lmao!
I had no intentions of reading your LONG post but I skimmed and then slipped&fell into 2 of your categories…Picky & Like to Debate only I don’t shove my opinions down throats, at least I don’t think so…
I’m 29 & unwed…maybe I can calm down with the debates & perhaps shave a little off of my PickyList…
thanks, lol
@Sasi,
Yes! Another one bites the dust. The more of yall that give up, increases my chance of landing him!!! lol and he is 6’3″ btw.
This list is the sh*t! That is all!
Picky is the main culprit and I do agree it’s SINgle people over 25yrs downfall.
Well damn, tell’em how you REALLY feel Cabby!!!!
so lemme get this straight: you’re saying he doesn’t exist? don’t p*ss on my parade just yet.. which quality exactly is pushing it? i’ll settle for just visiting the kids at the orphanage, attending Wednesday Bible study and Sunday worship. he can be 5’11 too, but shop in men’s not juniors.. i can flex with it
)
He exists. He’s just always knee deep in exotic oui, ci, or bumbaclot model pussE, so it’s hard for him to walk to your side of town to realize what he’s missing. You know, with the limited mobility and all.
it’s his mandingo dear… sharing is caring and sh*t..
thnx for the reality check
Wasn’t no checking going on, just expanding on your sarcasm. You’re my muse, the Peaches to my Herb, the rascal to my flats, the 60 to my 9, the premature to my… you get the point.
we in this together
“You’re Paid – So much so in-fact, that after 3 more hustles, you’ll be able to afford that pleather jacket you’ve been eye’ing, and the snake-skinned uggs. Soon, you’ll be able to splurge and get the 3-piece box of chicken”
Y’all getting loose today. This whole post is LOL.
This is the BEST list yet, Cab. THIS:
“Picky – You’re holding out for the 6-foot tall millionaire who has celebrity friends, dabbles in neuroscience, and plays a mean game of spades after teaching bible study to kids at the orphanage when moonlighting from the comedy circuit.”
sad but true lol
damn dude. *bats eyes in admiration*
you had me @ “dabbles in neuroscience”
This right here :
Picky – You’re holding out for the 6-foot tall millionaire who has celebrity friends, dabbles in neuroscience, and plays a mean game of spades after teaching bible study to kids at the orphanage when moonlighting from the comedy circuit.
Well done sir!
NOt the midget, Cab. Not the midget! LMAO!!!!
Stumbling across the comedic genius of “your breath farted”… that was like my paycheck. But “your mirror lies”… that one was like getting a tax refund when you just knew you were going to owe money this time.
@Caballeroso,
Picky – You’re holding out for the 6-foot tall millionaire who has celebrity friends, dabbles in neuroscience, and plays a mean game of spades after teaching bible study to kids at the orphanage when moonlighting from the comedy circuit.
…soooo what exactly are you sayin with this? He aint comin? lol
You’re not married because your idea of conflict resolution is property damage and court dates.
lol good one
SIgh, I miss Atlanta.
Ha!
What? You mean to tell me that doesn’t work?
#reboot
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i thought she made some valid points
and lol at your 10 additional reasons
11. you don’t swallow
12. you don’t want to have kids
girl, didn’t you know every man has a tribal need to spread his seed? if you can’t accept it, you are destined to continue netflixing ‘the wire’ with your cat.
ugh.
i can. not. with this heifa. i straight had to call one of my grrls in the middle of my male dominated cube farm to let her know never to send me this type of sh@t again whilst i was busy being bitchy, selfish, and trying to take over the world via international conference call. i speak three languages, have two degrees (which i know, btw, will not keep my cooch moist at night) and a working passport. i’m not married right now because i’m not exactly sure that that is ALL i want right about now. also, because nearly half of my friends are working on/have divorces and i am not even 30 yet. marriage.is.not.a.means.to.an.end.
cosign #11 You don’t swallow
and since its a gender neutral list add “You dont eat”
I’ve swallowed plenty and no rock yet, LOL, but I’m glad “you don’t eat” is on the list now. I actually CAN’T deal with the long term of no eating. I tried, but I found myself feeling like a used car salesman.:
“What about on birthdays? What about once every quarter? What about twice a month if I make sure to keep it nice up the maintenance? What about if I make your favorite dinner?”
Been there, done that. I don’t need the aggravation. ‘Cause if I’m taking care of you, I’ll be damned if I don’t make sure I’m taken care of too.
Ok… used car salesman? Ahhahahahahahaha
What is the big deal about swallowing?? If a woman has done the deed, and you’ve experienced the rewards of said deed, why would this minute detail negate everything that just happened?
Yes. I’ve been wondering this lately too. In my younger days, I would request a shoulder tap… the warning letting me know it was time to stop so it didn’t get in my mouth. I can completely understand why that would suck (no pun). I’m older now. I don’t need the shoulder tap. But why on earth do you care what I do with it afterwards? Please enlighten.
It’s just psychological… you don’t really have to swallow
#butdoitanyway
lol.
It’s a psychological thrill for us and there’s less clean-up.
Ugh, gross. Sorry, no psychological thrills for Mr. Be On It. No ma’am. Just can’t.
I hope folks wanting oral pleasure are on a strict diet.
No one wants funky spunk in their mouth.
Gather round, let me learn yawl real real quick. To a large degree, any sexual act is all about the climax, especially for men. The build up is great, but the climax is the reason for the season. So if at the height of enjoyability, when each nanosecond of pleasure exponentially exceeds the enjoyment gained from the entire 1 minute and 17 seconds leading up it, the person decided to stop because they didn’t want to take a shot of white Russian, you wouldn’t complain?
It’s like waiting outside to see the fireworks on New Year’s and leaving before the finally. Or watching a movie and leaving before the end. Or finally getting adopted, only to have your foster mother killed because you couldn’t stop snitching in a city with a healthy vibrant grass roots stop snitching campaign.
LOL, I think there’s some middle ground between your description and a full completion of the act where both parties can leave satisfied…
there is like containing it all in ones mouth until the act is completely done and then spitting in a nerby sink or toilet.
***thats what i heard anyway
*nearby*
And if you don’t swallow… Gargling is actually hotter than swallowing.
Gargling? O_O… I just threw-up.
This is why there are so many mixed babies running around.
Notice I’m in the minority on this issue, so your “excuse” don’t hold spit.
Nothing personal. Don’t shoot the messenger. If you don’t like to do it, then just don’t. But don’t delude yourself into thinking that guys don’t like it and find it more enjoyable. You want it to be one way, but it’s the other.
Haha sounds like a “The Wire” reference….”You want it to be one way, but it’s the other.”
you right man…..
lol
There’s a HUGE difference b/w stopping before you’re finished and swallowing.
Swallow and keep your mouth open!
What can I say? Some women need to learn how to suck a d$ck good. (roll out the jokes for the becky speaking these words—)–but on that note— guys need to keep that sh*t neat– ya– that’s for another post.
Pressure on men to have perfect credit, paid off all their student loans, own this own that— mmmhhh. Give a brotha a break! To me it is the biggest turn off to have some crazy car– spend money like crazy— just be sensible!! Hey, that could be a joint account someday. . . would you spend your money like that??
Ummm…don’t swallow?!? This CANNOT be a reason. I don’t get it.
Is there anyone here that is married and does NOT swallow?
Please… PLEEZ reveal yourself!!!! *tears in eyes* This statement must be debunked!
Well I’ll be d@mned…
Lol this list is ridiculously ridiculous in a good way.
Who the hell gets fully naked at the gym? Maybe. Cause its the south but I’ve never experienced this lol
I’ve never heard of the pulled pork vajayjay but I’m pretty sure the chit’lin bag stomach has the same effect. I would also add that for men turtle neck penis and werewolf proportions of body hair will keep you single as well.
And excessive sweating or having that white shyt in the corners of your mouth will also contribute to perpetual loneliness,dry nether regions and a barren ring finger
Everytime I walk into the ladies’ locker room at my gym there are at least 3 naked women walking around. Not only are the naked, they are not shaved and rolly polly.
LOL! I request permission to use: “turtle neck penis”. And the white stuff at the corners of the mouth is just disgusting. lolol
Turtle neck penis made me laugh REALLY loudly. I had to close my office door.
Oh my goodness you just about killed me with these descriptions…. But the white crustiness in the mouth sent me to the grave!!! What is so wrong with exfoliating those lips and using the chapstick? There was this guy in high school that had a crush on me with crusty lips. The day he decided to surprise me with a kiss, I just about threw up in my mouth. I should have thrown up in his so he’d get the point.
Is it wrong that I like turtle necks?
Mock neck or fold over?
Do they have sleeves? If so, it’s cool.
I’m only saying this because I saw it for the first time yesterday.
But there is actually an STD that will make a woman’s vadge look like pulled-pork vadge, i.e., that picture under No. 10. It’s called “blue waffle.” NOW HEED MY WARNING: Unless you want to upchuck the tacos you just ate DO NOT GOOGLE PICS OF THIS STD.
It’s maybe the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And I nearly hurled at the sight of this pulled pork.
I thought blue waffle was a myth until Google told me otherwise. *throws up*
mos def not the worse I’ve seen, I’ve seen condyloma acuminata in it’s advanced stages and it aint pretty.
Moral of the story: Wash and Wrap that sh*t up
EWWW! I just googled condyloma acuminata…..
Nah…see that is like permanent birth control.
FYI, the NSFW stamp for image viewing is warranted!
OMG!! What the…That is the NASTIEST thing I’ve ever seen next to that blue waffle sh*t.
Those pics made me want to go home and hug my loved ones. Sweet Baby Jesus…
im officially traumatized think pics of that mess just cured my cough!!! ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!
That ish looks like corroded skittles
#IdontwantTotasteTheRainbow
Tezzybaby…thank you so much for sharing this…I have decided to become a monk or something where I will be participating in no chexin or swallowing or anything of that nature. Just spend all day thanking God for my perfectly healthy vag, that I will keep to me and Him. BARF!! TWICE!!!…………..
Ugh, hope I can stop blowin chunks at some point>>>>
Oooooooooh Laaawd No! Nun-uh, ya don’t say! I totally didn’t need to run into this piece of info….I’m disturbed…can’t help but to visualize…awww man.
iHate you for that one! You don’t say “don’t look!” I looked…and I’m scarred…somebody hold me >.<
Not the cabbage patch!!!!
I had to Google it…no choice in the matter…I needs to know!
VSB is fast becoming the authority on sex and relationship education. how come the school nurse or health professionals never warned me about this?? dang, you ninjas are really fighting crime (saving lives) .. i’m so sorry i ever doubted *hangs head in shame*
Telling me not to Google something is an open invitation for me to do so. Curiosity just about killed this cat.
I did this (after VSB mentioned it on TWITTER in fact *glares*) and my face looked approximately like this:
OOOOO_OOOOO
I was traumatized is what I’m sayin’…
Sigh, I really miss Atlanta.
O_O!
Thanks for ruining the humpfest I have been plotting on for tonight!
Just goes to show it is very important to follow directions.
So… I guess I’m the only one that actually heeded the advice…
This ENTIRE thread was HILARIOUS!!!!!
I just couldn’t bring myself to look. I typed it in but was too chickensh!t to click images. lol. The pulled pork picture scared me away from everything else.
#4 Cottage cheese is disgusting. I don’t care how healthy it is I can’t get with it.
#8 “Not even horses try to hit on and bag cows while they’re pregnant, and a horse will f*ck anything. Don’t believe me? Ask Beyonce.” <<I see what you did there. Good one! lol
…..
#11 You're still trying to get that rap career started. Let it go!
#12 You still have braids or colored contacts in 2011.
YASSS! These 2 are so on point!
I love the tropic thunder reference – everybody knows you never go full retard!
LOL i couldnt remember where that came from but i was like hmm i know i have heard this before!
You think wearing lace-fronts is cute.
You think being dumb is attractive
The only interaction with a newspaper is to cover your lacefront from the rain
You follow dating advice from people that are constantly single instead of people in successful and loving relationships.
You expect a woman with a good amount of sense in her head is going to breathe in your direction while you are wearing a wifebeater in public.
You’re a grown man that still wears braids in 2011.
You have enough tattoos to turn your body into a walking art gallery
You don’t give head and it’s 2011
You have cable and don’t know how to cook, knowing there is a Food Network AND a Cooking Channel
“You have cable and don’t know how to cook, Knowing there is a Food Network AND a cooking Channel”
That right there, right there, IS the truth.
“You think wearing lace-fronts is cute.
You think being dumb is attractive
The only interaction with a newspaper is to cover your lacefront from the rain
You have enough tattoos to turn your body into a walking art gallery
You don’t give head and it’s 2011″
-Are you sure you don’t live in Los Angeles?
I am pretty sure about that. I live in Houston and this is lacefront central.
Not Houston is lacefront central. I guess you have Beyonce to thank for that being that she’s from there an is the Lacefront President and Queen. I hate them as much as I hate Jheri Curls…only JC (no Son of God) at least let’s me giggle when I see them. Lacefronts make me angry. We all know you just GLUED A WIG TO YOUR FOREHEAD….stop it.
“You expect a woman with a good amount of sense in her head is going to breathe in your direction while you are wearing a wifebeater in public.”
LOL, can it slide a the gym?
Yeah, it can slide at the gym, except when on a person that thinks they look swole but look malnourished instead. Put a shirt on.
These are actually some really good ones! Death to all lace fronts and braids in 2011. And wife beaters in public…yas!! I thought I was the only one who hated that.
And THIS:
“You think being dumb is attractive”
…and a special shout out to the grown arse women who talk in a baby voice. That aint cute.
Wifebeaters in public annoys me greatly. You don’t look intimidating, just very lazy.
Actually, I love braids so I have to call foul on that one. But, yeah, lacefronts should be burned.
I would like to advocate for a baby hair addendum to numbers 1, 3, and 6. The addendum to six is important for the Ginuwines of the world. That nucka used to have baby hair just like Chilli.
Addendum granted.
Slooooow hand clap to this WHOLE list!
Appreciate it, oh, and to let you know, I am not super tall. I am just 6’2″ but I am about 240lb so I look a little taller.
That’ll do!
*wink*
Do you dabble in neuroscience?
If trying to understand the thought processes of women counts as neuroscience, then yes I do.
Now we know Beyonce wouldn’t know anything about a horse (well maybe a lil) but a camel that smokes cigs and wears glasses mos def….
My list….
1. You’re too shy
Home. Wal-mart. School/Work. The occasional VSB mixer are the only places you go . Or if you are too insecure to approach a woman and use excuses like ” Well, Im not like all these other guys that spit lines, I just like to have a conversation”. Well I’m here to tell you most “lines” work if for the simple fact that it breaks the ice. Everyone knows the va-jay-jay likes to be Mufasa-ed and nothing says lion pride like a confident ninja.
2. You’re a douchebag, a*hole, scumbag, jerkoff and nobody is toasting to your @ss
3. You’re a control freak- along the lines of #1, there is a fine line b/w Mufasa-ed and Ike-d. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
bwahahaha
#1 :/
Aww.
Home, WalMart and school/work is me. *sigh*
#2 needs to be said again AND again… NOBODY likes you!!! that’s why you are not married… N-O-B-O-D-Y
“there is a fine line b/w Mufasa-ed and Ike-d.”
Indeed.
2. You’re a douchebag, a*hole, scumbag, jerkoff and nobody is toasting to your @ss
TOO Funny!
Ick. No. Fail. I hate lines.
Whatever happened to “Hello”? Or is that a line, too?
And while we’re at it,spare me the high men who stumble over big words they can barely pronounce, while spraying me with smoke breath.
the va-jay-jay likes to be Mufasa-ed
-Is that what the kids are calling it now? ok.
REASONS WHY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED…………
—–>You don’t wanna be married or are content Not being married (Oprah, George Clooney, PuffBabyDaddyDiddy)
—–>You’ve been married before, and don’t wanna do it again
—–> Married to the Money (Gucci Mane) or Workaholic crazy sched no time for a “life”
—–>You won’t date or marry the guy that’s treats you and your fam right, pays the bills on time and looks good because he eats whatever food….
—->You are like the people on the show “My Strange Addiction” or “Hoarders” eating cleaning products,having 20 cats, etc.
—-> You are a black woman on a vh1 reality show that airs on Sun nights
—->You have “pretty girl problems” (Chilli, Stacey Dash, Halle Berry Ms. Berry)
—->In my Riley Freeman voice singing…..You za H0e, I said that you za H0e & Toot It and Boot it..(really, these are songs) = You ain’t wifey type but u good fa da night
—->Yall been living together forever She/He’s yo fiance of goin on 5+ yrs?!?! why buy the cow when u gettin’ the milk for free?
Why buy? Because nothing is free. That “free” milk still counts as income to you. Depending on your situation, you may still be liable to reporting it and paying taxes. If you owned the cow, you’d just pay the tax once.*
*Consult a financial planner to determine how best to proceed. Everyone’s situation is different. Information here is provided as just an opinion. There is no inherent guarantee of accuracy or worthiness as a substitute for professional advice.
Lmao @ the disclaimer!
The disclaimer read like birth control ad in my mind lol… you know the low voice that talks real fast.
“this birth control isnt really suitable for the lab rats we tested it on, but who cares? may cause excess sweating, leakage through the eye sockets, and hell, your vadge might fall out.”
“You are a black woman on a vh1 reality show that airs on Sun nights”
Brillant!
LOL, OK, Why you’re not married:
“You’re on a reality show with the name “Wives” in it”.
The definition of irony.
“You are like the people on the show “My Strange Addiction” or “Hoarders” eating cleaning products,having 20 cats, etc.”
!!!! The girl that sucked her thumb had a boyfriend though…but…ya, now that I think about it I guess that makes sense.
LMAO
Bwhahahaa, i remember the woman that was eating toilet paper, she was all uppity w/here tp req. ” I only eat Charmin 2-ply,Unscented,White” and then had the audacity to talk about the dyes placed in said rolls and how she looks out for her health…Im like there is one thing wrong with that above sentence and trust me heffa… it aint Charmin 2-ply.
Good list. We mentioned this yesterday: “—–>You won’t date or marry the guy that’s treats you and your fam right, pays the bills on time and looks good because he eats whatever food….” – like bacon. Bacon? You wanna dump a man over bacon? smh
That gets a serious side-eye from me. Bacon? Really? Okay, be by yourself then. Maybe you would prefer a crazy arse Black Israelite. They don’t eat bacon.
Hmmmm…any contributions? Sure!
You date the same dude/girl over again and expect different results. And I’m not talking literally the same dude/girl but virtually the same person, different face. That’s not only stupid but it’s relationship suicide.
You talk too much.about.everything. You tell your family, friends, co-workers, and anyone w/in earshot all your business. Try shutting your mouth and winning at life.
You still get excited about new seasons of The Real World…and you’re 30. I just saw a commercial for that mess and I thought “why did anyone ever watch any RW’s after the last NY season?” Shameful!
You have not gotten an STD test out of fear…and you vocalized that to folks as if it’s a badge of honor. It’s not. What it is, is a recipe for a first class ticket to sterile-land. Ugh!
You are closested gay…except everyone knows you’re gay and you’re the only fool walking around thinking you fooling folks. You were a male cheerleader mad that thay aint let u wear the skirt…yeah, homie. We knew you were gay then.
You wear shirts that are never quite long enough to cover you entire mid-section. I’m not talking a purposeful mid-drift shirt. I’m talking a work shirt that exposes your lower stomach. Or the polo that looks like it’s made for an 8 year old…except the woman wearing it is 35. I don’t trust folks can make necessary life decisions clearly if they can’t select a shirt that is appropriately long enough.
#1… your “type” just how many years and broken hearts while being consoled by your family/friends have to occur before you take a step back and readjust this type? obviously its NOT working… this “type” is NOT right for you, but no you still keep, keeping on…
this post is spot on, but this right here: “You wear shirts that are never quite long enough to cover you entire mid-section….” made me really LOL.
That’s the part that got me too! LOL!
Oops, I watch Real World. *ducks*…along with Bad Girls Club, etc. It’s for entertainment purposes only. I don’t know if I get excited though. Also, I laugh at people who are afraid of an HIV test but brave enough to raw dog. They’re extra stupid for that.
Cringing because of my long ass torso forces me to wear men’s shirts.
But as least you adjust accordingly. I fux with that. But, if you came in and said “I just wear short shirts cuz my torso is too long” I’d give you a serious side eye and a gift certificate to a tailor who can work magic.
“You are closested gay…except everyone knows you’re gay and you’re the only fool walking around thinking you fooling folks. You were a male cheerleader mad that thay aint let u wear the skirt…yeah, homie. We knew you were gay then.”
LMBO!!!! This remind me of some people I knew since middle school.
Good list.
Girl my cousin is the subject of this entry. He’s gay…always has been. And he was a male cheerleader “talmabout” how if he had to wear pants, then the girls should too. I was like “I’m all for equality, so…what you saying is you wanna wear the skirt?” Blank stare and silence.
I was done…knew he was gay, just didn’t know the extent of it. LOL
LMBO!! Smh.. What I don’t understand is it’s obvious! We all know. From the way you talk and act. I promise they think we’re fools.
I still can’t stop laughing about your cousin being mad that the cheerleaders didn’t wear pants.
The Real World Series is still going?
Damn… I didn’t even know.
Still won’t be watching.
My reason why you not married:
Bc you think you need a wedding($$$) to be married: media and women are partially to blame, the theory that every women has to have and wants a super expensive wedding has made a lot men insecure(financially). Men feel they have to have 6 figure paying job and $50K saved up before he can get engaged/married, otherwise they end up with the “i’m not where i need/want to be(finically)” excuse/reason/mindset.
From the break men are “expected” to drop stacks, you need atleast $5K for halfway decent engagement ring, bc you know she going take pics and post on fb/twitter for everyone to see; and she going be asked by all her girl to see the ring. So it can’t be small bc you will be clowned and she will be embarrassed. then comes wedding and planning, so off the break we enter knowing we have to drop stacks and have to have your money right. women buy into the “its my day and i get everything i want” BS: you have to 1 of a kind $5K dress, $10K live band, $20K venue, $200/plate reception, etc. women want to spend a minimum $20K for a 10min ceremony and 3 hour dinner/happy hour.
We all buy into we have to have money to get engaged and pay for a wedding to be married, when infact the two are two totally separate things that have be come intertwined. I’m sure MANY men have not took that leap bc of $$$. If a women truly loved a man and broke it down and said “hey we can goto JOP, pay for marriage license and call it a day” a lot more of brothers and sisters would be married now.
Ladies if you with a man you could see marrying but hear him talk abt money or lack of money, i dare you to tell him you would forgo a wedding(and expensive engagement) and would just want to goto JOP or hv small non-expensive ceremony somewhere, i bet your man would not oppose the idea, lol he might even suggest yall get it done within next 6 months.
BUT of course that won’t happen bc i know what your thinking ladies “ninja you crazy, this is MY day, i have always dreamed about and i deserve MY one day where its all about me” or “i’m only doing it once so i want to make sure I do it right” smh
and the men are thinking “shyt i’d marry my girl if she was down with that plan, but i know that won’t happen. bc she watches all the wedding shows and dreams about wedding ceremony. Plus she wants ceremony so she can have all her BFF’s and LS’s(i don’t even like them bishes) in wedding and post pics on FB for her ex’s and haters”
So you are not married because you think you have to have a wedding($$$) to have a marriage. Marriage is about commitment and love which cost you nothing(monetarily) and doesn’t require a expensive engagement ring($$$) and a wedding ceremony(more $$)
Umm is this personal?
Tell us how you REALLY feel
LOL yah this sounded personal but i feel you. weddings are a really terrible financial decision any way you want to look at it. Money is best spent traveling the world and having a nice LIFE with your spouse than a nice DAY.
I think it is.
THIS is real talk. Not the case for all women (my fiance has been on the same page with me on 95.6% of the items with our planning) but from Disney all the way through Bravo’s RHOA, the expectations have been planted and slowly watered.
i totally agree!!! i always thought that the $$ spent on a wedding should go toward buying property…
I think it’s more a tradition thing. I, personally, don’t see the point in spending thousands of dollars basically to feed other people. I’d rather put that on a honeymoon or on a home. (the bride’s family supposed to pay anyway, traditionally, so the guy shouldn’t sweat anything besides the ring right?).
The bride family pays until you are so old (close to 30) and they just expect you to handle your own. lol!
Damn. Guess it’s JOP for me.
Let it out bruh *police pat*…you are amongst friends. We’re judging you but here for you all the same. lol
“We’re judging you but here for you all the same. lol”
HA!
Yeah, sounds personal. But, it’s definitely the truth. I’m totally not even interested in having a million folks at a wedding paying for ya’ll to get sloshed. Glad you were able to vent though.
hahaha I have the opposite problem. My beau talked about having a Disney wedding (no ma’am) if/when we take that step. I laughed (over the phone) and said if he had a problem coming up with 2k for a diamond engagement ring, he definitely would have a problem dropping >= 10k to get hitched at Walt’s house. Shoot, I just wanted a small ceremony at my grandmother’s house and his ninja wanted the big wedding.
Your man may be the only man in the history of mankind that wanted a big wedding at the behest of his fiancee. I chalk this up as an anomaly.
lol…not true. im soooooo cool with going to the JOP. the boo says wedding. *shrugs* now im the black sheep…lol
2 anomalies, or would that be anomali? Need more like you. Please take this information back to the womens’ camp. I could guarantee that more women would be married if they compromised on this one issue.
lol…will do. The wedding is for everybody else to go oooohhh and aaaaahhhhh, but then as soon as my marriage begins to fall apart (speaking hypothetically) nobody wants ooh aah then, not even a peep. JOP is good enough for me. Beyonce said if he liked it he woulda put a ring on it, not the down payment on your house on a 30 minute event. All you need is the license, not the expenses. Gimme a new home and vacay with that money shoo…
Where have you been all my life? mmmmm…mmmmm…mmmmm….
boo’d up! duurrrrr…lol
I would like to submit this comment for the Man’s Bible, that has yet to be invented, for all women to read. I definitely feel this way, and I probably know 1 jillion other ninjas who will co-sign this.
Here’s one ninja right now who will co-sign this!
Why stay with someone who’s expectations you are obviously not meeting and exhaust yourself trying to get them to lower the bar?
Why would you want to marry someone’s whose idea of marriage stops at the wedding anyway?
There are ways of having a very nice wedding without breaking the bank. If a girl insists on spending money that you really don’t have, then your life with her will be financial hell. Pay attention to the preview.
This is true… what exactly is her motivation? The pricetag or the memories? Nice weddings happen all the time on tight budgets… she betta get to glue-gunning.
Good point! I agree!
“Tell ‘em why you mad son.”
Nah, but I agree with your sentiment and can definitely relate to your reasoning. While I know I am not ready for marriage, financial stability is one major reason why I am not ready. Even though, there is an understanding that both men and women have to work together in a marriage, deep down many guys still feel that it is their responsibility to provide financially, more so BE PREPARED to provide.
great points and very true!!
Its funny now i think about it, over last 20-30 years wedding cost and divorce rate have both risen at the same time! So clearly the amount you spend on a wedding has nothing to do with a successful marriage(love).
Right…I think we just got the run-down of his entire last relationship. All that is missing is the name.
BTW, you are spot on though.
PREACH!. . .
and Amen.
That’s not true either. Sometimes HE wants the wedding to show his haters or show off the chic he marries to the guys who were cooler than him in high school and the girls who laughed when he asked them out.
There are LOTS of “anomalies”. Plenty of dudes hide behind that “I can’t afford a big wedding and that’s what SHE wants BS” yeah right. HE wants a big wedding. Or he just needs any reason to be the reason to give why he’s not marrying her. Just say you’re not ready then!
Instead of a wedding, sign a mortgage together. That’s commitment to me!
Awww… you sound hurt
.
I’m not being an @ss btw… I mean you really sound hurt and… I’m sad for you.
1. You’re full-retard
In other words, you watch SportsNation, since SportsCenter is beyond your grasp
I do that with my yogurt…
hehehehe
*waves hand slightly* me too.
3. You walk around too naked too long in the gym locker room
Being able to walking around butt-ass naked in all your flaccid and/or floppy glory for hours at a time is one of the benefits of being a grown-ass adult and having your own place. But, you regularly extending this flaccid/floppy f*ckery to highly populated public gym locker rooms is keep you from holy matrimony, because after that bullsh*t, God doesn’t want your tactless ass in his house.
—
It takes a lot to f*cking bother me, but this ish right here….this ish right here…I mean do you really need to have your balls sitting on the sink while you shave after you have just got out the shower, having conversations with everyone as they walk by. No, I don’t want to talk to you….GTFOH.
I mean they give free towels out for a reason.
Revitalize from ready Champs post…DEAD again from reading your response. I hear stories of men walking around ass naked in the locker room for an extended period of time. But the women in the locker room just don’t do it.
LMBO!! The visual of this almost made me choke to death at my desk! Too funny.
LMAO! This post was hilarious….I’ll say this (and it’s a lil’ off topic): a lot of people seem to offer advice on how to get married and such, but no one is offering advice on how to STAY married. I think getting married is the easy part. Staying married is the hard part.
Where the married people to give advice in here? No common law ones either, this is not your stage right now…sorry.
There are some married ones here. I think I’ve picked up a few gems.
Mostly cuz folks don’t wanna hear the boringness of that “talk, be 100% honest even when it hurts, forgive, sacrifice” stuff us longtimers in matrimony (the ribDonor & I are bout to push up on the decade) have to offer.
it’s nowhere near as funny as ya’lls single escapades.
Single escapades are funny. Longtimer advice keeps us from having single escapades for the rest of our lives. I’m all ears.
As one of the resident married folk, I drop a few nuggets here and there when appropriate. However, today’s post is all about the funny, so I will refrain from posting anything serious unless folks really want me to get serious for a minute.
you right KT….
hell if i know…i don’t want to janx myself
Sooo true. 50% of marriages end in divorce now. So yeah, I’m not trying to have a sh*tty marriage so if that means I need more time then so be it. They should have articles on how to stay married.
they’re on http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com
my other favorite blog site!
Thanks!
ni99anet……lmbaooooo
reason 50-11 trillion i live in the boondocks….
signal don’t reach this far
3. You walk around too naked too long in the gym locker room
Or how about you change your sanitary napkin all out in the open when you’re changing in the locker room.
Me: How did you find the workout
Her: Oh it was hard but I got a great workout (Says this as she pulls off the old one and puts a new one on her panties.)
This is the grossest thing I have ever heard of. Who does this? WHY?! I am glad this hasn’t happened to me.
LOL!!! Did you continue to converse?
That’s just disturbing…. and you were still talking to her after she pulled off the old one? I have a difficult time hiding facial expressions, and I’m very experienced in expressing looks of horror capable of embarrassing people into bathroom stalls and clothing. I hold classes once a week at the Y.
*gagging* WHO THE EFF DOES THIS?!?! Nasty arse!
She needs to be c*nt punted!!
NSFW disclaimer
As shown here: http://i.imgur.com/w77Rq.gif
@Deeds
“Or how about you change your sanitary napkin all out in the open when you’re changing in the locker room.”
GASP!
Please consider my pearls clutched.
@NY2VA
Some things are just never ok. smh
And I thought I was grossed out by the cottage cheese…
… then I got to the pulled pork poon. In summary, I hate you Champ.
*dry heaves*
Reasons you are not married
You think you deserve to be married
You worked for West Coast Productions
You always smell like the home of Black folks in the hood
(newports and fried chicken)
You’re close friends with every ninja you chexed since 95
You expect a ninja to wipe your @ss and burp you.
You’re eyes are too far apart
You insist on wearing clothes that make you look like a roll of sausage
Your breast look like a deflated balloon
Your jawline rivals the jawline of Stan from American Dad.
You touch ish everytime you get in my car
LMAO! this got my morning started
i’m gettin fired today…i feel it
lol @ unibreast
i appreciate your candor and your comedy!
@Humble_One
lol! Very funny list.
This right here though – - -> You always smell like the home of Black folks in the hood
(newports and fried chicken) -and- —> You’re close friends with every ninja you chexed since 95. Priceless.
“You’re eyes are too far apart” – What is this? Bwahahahahahaha you wrong but oh so right.
I always felt that way about Brandy.
Yeah, no disrespect to anyone who knows someone mentally challenged but when Brandy first came out I thought she had down syndrome. That’s ignorant, I know. *goes to corner*
I blamed it on fetal alcohol syndrome. I thought Mrs. Norwood was hitting the bottle while Lil Brandy was in the oven.
Girl you are KILLING me today!! hahahahaha
In Ohio hood houses smell like chicken, blue magic, and money house blessing spray.
Shut up!!!! Rolling over here cuz I didn’t think anyone else knew about the money house blessing spray. That sh*t clearly isn’t helping the folks of OH…especially in the Cleveland area. Stop it already!
This list is the effing Bee’s Knees!
“You always smell like the home of Black folks in the hood
(newports and fried chicken)”
DAAAAYUUUUUUM!!!!!
*Eyes watering*
“You’re eyes are too far apart”
AHAHAHAHAAHA!
Got eyes on some “western shootout” ish…
So, I LOL’d literally when I read thise two:
“Your eyes are too far apart”…(which may sum up why Brandy Norwood is still single, no?)
and,
Newports and Fried Chicken…because Hood homes do smell like that.
Hilarious list!
SFG and I were talking about that upthread LOL!
LMAO @ “You touch ish everytime you get in my car”
LOL… this felt personal.
I meant to say like it came from experience(s).
Love this quote ” I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.”
“You smell like the sh*t that drunk truckers take in Waffle House bathrooms at 2:27 am.” LMAO!!
Can you think of any other reasons why someone might not be married? (probably not gender neutral)
1. You put a death grip of ownership on any person crazy enough to give you his/her number.
2. You insist on not going up a pants size and turn your average to above-average size torso into a muffin top catastrophe on a daily basis. (But you can still claim to wear an 8! or a 36! (men))
3. You’re a refer to yourself as a Diva Dude (twice as d0uchy as actually being one).
4. You’re still f*cking your ex.
5. Your name appears on various nightclub walls, bathroom stalls, and craigslist rants around your city.
5. Your name appears on various nightclub walls, bathroom stalls, and craigslist rants around your city.
Or your picture is on all the club websites, clearly spending too much time at the club.
Add to that, your picture is on club flyers. Read my lips… You. Are. Not. A. Model.
LMAO!!
hater.
@WIP
“2. You insist on not going up a pants size and turn your average to above-average size torso into a muffin top catastrophe on a daily basis. (But you can still claim to wear an 8! or a 36! (men))”
I used to work with a girl who was notorious for this. Her slacks were the tightest I had ever seen. I overheard her telling another co-worker that she only buys size 6 pants because anything bigger would make her look like she didn’t have a butt.
I used to work with a girl who was notorious for this. Her slacks were the tightest I had ever seen. I overheard her telling another co-worker that she only buys size 6 pants because anything bigger would make her look like she didn’t have a butt.
^*e___O
WOW. LMAO.
#2 is the truth. I will never understand why some women won’t just go up a size and get it tailored in the areas tha are too loose/big. Muffin-top is the WORST!
“3. You’re a refer to yourself as a Diva Dude (twice as d0uchy as actually being one).”
PLEASE don’t tell me this is real life.
3. You’re a refer to yourself as a Diva Dude (twice as d0uchy as actually being one)
-Uh that’s just ghey.
You are quite ridiculous.
This article has just made my day. Thank you.
When I used to be a member at the Y, ALL of the old women walked around naked longer than necessary. For the most part, younger folks don’t do that. There was one chick at 24 Hour Fitness who was probably in her 30s, early 40s at most who would get ready at the mirror naked. She was very fit but still, I don’t wanna see all that!
“Bedraggled vageen” tho? Dude you just made me choke on my own uvula. Ill never forgive you for that LOL
Reasons you’ll never get married:
-You’re one of those new age “Miss Independent” types that feels the need to remind men every five minutes that you don’t need them……..and then subsequently b***h about not being able to find a good man.
-You feel as though you’re in some kind of position to dictate the terms of a relationship to your partner.
-You take relationship advice from Tyler Perry movies.
The advice he gives in the movies for women isn’t half bad. Don’t be so materialistic, don’t be your career, don’t ignore your man’s needs. The fact that you enjoy those movies and think of Tyler Perry as a modern day Shakespeare is the issue.
I came back from lunch yesterday and had a copy of this article laying on my chair from an anonymous (but later identified) person.
At first I thought, “Why are people leaving crap on my chair without identifying themselves?” Then I thought, “Why is Terry McMillan writing about why I’M not married?!?” Then I realized that I should stop thinking about it so much and actually start reading it. In which case, I quickly learned that the article was NOT by Terry McMillan.
In addition to the reason number one you listed above, reasons number 3 (You’re a Slut) and 4 (You’re a Liar) immediately caught my eye. I laid this article to the side because I thought (here I go thinking again…) “This is gonna take a minute to read and fully process and decide how I feel about it”. But since its VSB-endorsed, I will definitely pick it up again sooner rather than later.
And I appreciate your additions to her list…especially your number ten. That picture was too much!
Girl I thought the same thing. Like why is Terry McMillan talking to anyone about marriage when she can’t identify gay men.
I had to re-read it like 3 times before I realized that is not who authored this book/article.
OMG really Champ? LMAO…I was expecting some deep reasons but I’ll take the humor. I kid you not, I literally stopped talking to a man because he called me from a Starbucks and said he was using their free wi-fi. When he said he was watching p0rn, my cell dropped his call. It was God. Never again. That’s up there in the top 10 lamest things a man can do. That and ask me for money on our 3rd date. Anywho, can I make a real list? Why thanks. Here goes….
Men:
* Your pinky finger nail is long – I will think you’re a crack head or crazy. Cut it.
* You wear a shell necklace – I will think you’re gay or a barefoot s.ex addict. Stop it.
* Those aren’t curls, them just naps – Have you ever seen a man with what you thought was a head full of curly hair…then you got close and saw it was twisted naps? Either twist them bad boys all the way but just don’t twist the tops. Gross.
* Ankle ash – I saw it. Just don’t lotion what you think people will see. Lotion all of it. Also, your heel better not be peeling and nasty looking. Special shout out to ashy knuckles.
* You’re feminine – don’t spend 2 hours to get ready then tell me you’re just the only man who cares about his appearance. Is that clear nail polish? NO!
Women:
* Your booty is ashy – I’m literally sick of my brother telling me about all the ashy booties that made him go limp. That’s gross. Enough already.
* You have no brain – don’t eat the D with all that teeth. Learn how to kiss. Learn how to ride…AND that little thing you do that you think feels good actually hurts.
* Don’t grow out your toe nails – that’s un-hygienic.
* Your chicken is tough – don’t cook a big meal and not taste as you go. Practice cooking first…then serve him up. Pause.
* Your boobs look like triangle pancakes – I’m sorry for you, I truly am but if you know your breasts lack density, PLEASE don’t wear a tube top w/ no bra.
* Most men are tall enough to see all that dandruff in the middle of your head – please take care of all of it, not just what you can see.
“Those aren’t curls, them just naps – Have you ever seen a man with what you thought was a head full of curly hair…then you got close and saw it was twisted naps?”
LOL, yeessss!
“You wear a shell necklace – I will think you’re gay or a barefoot s.ex addict.”
Or a hobo. Cosign- stop it.
“Your booty is ashy”
Ooop.
*gets hand lotion from purse and hit the ladies room
lol: ashy knuckles
Bam!
(reaches for lotion)
@SmartFoxGirl
“* Your booty is ashy – I’m literally sick of my brother telling me about all the ashy booties that made him go limp. That’s gross. Enough already.”
Is this why baby oil is used so much in pron nowadays?
Must be. There’s no excuse for ashy booty in p0rn…none.
BWAHAHAHAHAH! Triangle pancake boobs???!!!! Thank you for the literal LOL moment.
And ash is a common one. Ladies and gent, don’t be afraid to invest in the good lotion. Nothing wrong with spending $7 on a bottle of lotion if it will keep the ash at bay even on the driest coldest wintery day.
And might I add, the feet hygiene applies to men too… if I worry that your long toe nails will scrape my legs up just as bad as your crusty heels can, I can’t do it….
I kid you not, I literally heard someone’s feet rubbing against a blanket once. I was like “What was that?” It sounded like if you were to open a ziploc bag or something. My gawd…grossness.
And the Grammy for best sound fx in a comment post goes to…
SFG
“It sounded like if you were to open a ziploc bag or something.”
pure hilarity
@ ashy booty, ankles, and the space between your thumb and ring finger…
I have some unrefined Shea butter available straight from the continent if anyone needs to up their ashy/dry/cracked skin game.
Too true, Great list but this one especially
” Your booty is ashy – I’m literally sick of my brother telling me about all the ashy booties that made him go limp. That’s gross. Enough already.”
If a brother is going limp just b/c of an ashy booty, I would think something else is wrong with him, maybe some ED.
Reminds me of this Katt Williams quote about men: “We don’t have no time to worry bout no shit like stretch marks… They came from either 1 of 2 things… Either you was big and got small, or you were small and got big! Either way we f*ckin…Either Waaaay!”
LOL! That’s my fav Katt Williams line. I recite that daily to friends with body issues. But yeah, I was exaggerating for humor. lol I’m sure he didn’t go limp and I really don’t want to think about my brother’s penis either. lol
LOL! That’s my fav Katt Williams line. I recite that daily to friends with body issues. But yeah, I was exaggerating for humor. lol I’m sure he didn’t go limp and I really don’t want to think about my brother’s D either. lol
I thought I was the only one horrified by Huggybear fingernails.
What exactly is wrong with barefoot sex? I’ve been known to wear wear gold track shoes and change cleats mid coitus if the traction was off, but I never thought going raw footed was a deal breaker.
its a deal breaker if your toenails can amputate an ankle or if your rough heel can really be used to sand the wood floors.
DEAD!!!…yeah I didn’t say there was anything wrong with barefoot s.ex. I prefer you (not you) to be naked from head to toe. Just don’t have crusty feet.
The foot will never be crusty if you’re doing it right. Didn’t grandma tell you that you have to put your foot in it? Not a game.
gross.
LMAO!!!
I prefer socks off.
Noted.
Yesss on the ashy asses and ashiness in general. I get so many compliments from men on how soft I am and how good my skin feels and I always wondered if they were out there feeling up alligators or something. Hell I even got felt up by one of my 2520 coworkers cause she loves my skin..its all about taking the time to lotion and mosturize. People need to make it apart of their daily routine.
Long fingernails on ANY finger are a resounding NO for men. Once when I was a young, unmarried woman, I was made to bleed in my nether regions by a young man who fancied his fingernails a tad too long. I told that em effer that he would never have the opportunity to even stand next to my lady parts again until he cut those talons. They were gone in 24 hours.
OMG gross! Oooh, you’re good. I would have cut his whole finger off after that.
I was young and stupid. He was fine and compliant. You know how it goes.
@SFG -
* You wear a shell necklace – I will think you’re gay or a barefoot s.ex addict. Stop it.
Gay? What if you’re a tribesman?
And what’s wrong with barefoot s.ex? Not only is keeping on footwear uncomfortable during coitus, it looks tacky as hell. Like them tacky p0rn star cats rocking boots or kicks with socks while mashing out some broad. People really bone with shoes on?
Those aren’t curls, them just naps – Have you ever seen a man with what you thought was a head full of curly hair…then you got close and saw it was twisted naps?…Gross.”
What’s wrong with ‘naps’? Aren’t ‘naps’ very tightly curled curls? I don’t comprehend the disdain. Sounds like that ‘good’ hair complex.
Oh Sobo, I swear I have to be ready for you. lol I don’t know where I said barefoot s.ex was wrong. I was just talking about crufty feet. I prefer the man to be butt booty naked from head to toe. K? I don’t have a problem with naps. Just negroes who try to disguise their naps as curls. That’s their complex, not mine. lol
Actually, I’m lying. Sometimes…SOMETIMES, naps don’t look that great. It has to be neatly combed. No buckshots. Sorry, black blogsphere is gonna kill me for that comment.
Wait, I take that back…the other exception would be dreads (not locs) but dreads. Dreads can be hella s.exy on a man. Just don’t dread up the chin hair. lol
Or braid it up and put beads on it
dreads vs locs????
Dreads is more American style where they twist up the hair. It’s more neat. Locks is when they let the hair “lock” together real thick like. Rastas are known for that.
Dreads:
http://www.nairaland.com/attachments/142814_dreads_jpgd2827af0abe4630ad42286a9fb9dfb57
Locks:
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/39/76819986_9e1a53d1e0.jpg
@SmartFoxGirl
So what are “dreadlocks”?
@CNotes-“So what are “dreadlocks”?
Shhh. You gon’ confuse the chile now.
Dreadlocks are locks that are lightly dreaded 3/4ths the way down, and thickly locked counterclockwise in the middle near the crown of the head, and it has to be twisted by someone who has an american right hand and a rastafarian left hand.
Ok, I so quit you right now, especially the ashy booties. Hilarious.
*Your pinky finger nail is long – SNOOP
* You wear a shell necklace – BENET
* Those aren’t curls, them just naps – KRAVITZ
* Ankle ash – COLEMAN, RIP
* You’re feminine – GILL
You have pierced man nipples – GILL
Actually GILL has pierced nippalia, wears shell necklaces and is feminine… he’s like the spokesperson of SFG’s list… except that ninja know he be wearing some baby oil… He stay lookin greesy… maybe it’s them sateen shirts.
Benet is EXACTLY who I was thinking about when I wrote that. I got me dying laughing at this right now. LOLOL
he’s my go-to-guy for some shell necklace and bare feet chex lol
isn’t it ironic some woman decided to mess with each one of these men… hmmm, there is someone for everyone. hope.
My cousin stays getting on me about my toenails. She’s always like “why do you cut them so low?” Meanwhile hers look like claws. I’ll pass on any pedicure advice from her…thanks.
“* Your pinky finger nail is long – I will think you’re a crack head or crazy. Cut it.”
GAH. I dated a man with long fingernails and it distracted me the entire first date. I only put up with it because he smelt good (good cologne game is my WEAKNESS). but yeah, if it’s ONLY the picky nail, it’s even worse. How you look being grown walking around with a toothpick on your pink? Boy, GOOD DAY.
LOL…and I cosign smell good is my weakness. Lawd aint nothing like a good smelling man.
With a deep voice and a fresh haircut. It’s over. 78% of the work is done.
*fanning self*
!!!
And would the remaining 22% come when he supersizes your order at the drive thru?
Sobo, to the corner!
>>>
LMAO
Ooooh yes chile! Don’t listen to Sobo LMAO!
Uh so basically you covered everything huh?… well done.
Uh wait… one I’ll add… learn to dress yourself properly… take it how ever you want.
That picture of the pulled pork will haunt my naughty dreams. All that jawn needs is teeth or acid spit and we have our next 3-D (pause) horror film.
i havent read all of the comments, so i hope that i’m not repeating..but you may not be married because you don’t landscape…we get our hair, toes, and nails done…keep the lower grass tidy too…always…even after marriage…
I would love to spend a day in The Champ’s mind cause I think I would be
laughing all day. Like, where does he come up with this stuff?
On another note, I’m curious to know what people think a mangled vagina looks like. I know, that’s pretty objective, right. But does it really look like she’s been a veteran porn star for 50 years and has had 10,000 partners or is it just different than what the person has seen before. I remember I was listening to Jozen Cummings Until I Get Married Blog podcast last week and likened a porn star’s genitalia as “roast beef.” Damn, homie. LMAO.
Anyway, I have this theory that people who consume a lot of porn from certain sources, sometimes have this skewed idea about what a vulva, labia, etc. is supposed to look like. Certain publications and websites tend to show a certain type of, whereas others are more diverse.
Yeah, I know…
#11 You’re tactlessly cheap- You refuse to pay a cent over your portion of the bill when going out to eat and even pull out your calculator to make sure the tax and tip are acurrate on your behalf. smdh
How about folks that don’t believe in tipping?
HECK YEAH! That too! I waited tables for 5 yrs so I agree. People who dont tip arent marriage material. #unforgivable
These grown a$$ nuckas who can’t just split the check “x” number of ways and need to ITEMIZE their portion everytime. I can’t with them.
When I read that article I knew VSB would put their spin on it, LOL! Hilarious. *dead* at the pulled pork
This post done kilt me dead…especially #10
Why did you have to ruin pulled pork for me?!!!!
Oh My Lawd! LOL!
Pulled PorK Vageen? It looked just like a vageen the more I looked at it..and it looked nasty..and I love me a pulled pork sandwich…but, now you have made it very difficult for me to ever eat one again….
Oooh, chile. I need to get a new image in my mind today.
Ew. #10 made me itch…
“Not even horses try to hit on and bag cows while they’re pregnant, and a horse will f*ck anything. Don’t believe me? Ask Beyonce.”
Get Down! E drive by! DEAD
LOL!
“But, you regularly extending this flaccid/floppy f*ckery to highly populated public gym locker rooms is keep you from holy matrimony, because after that bullsh*t, God doesn’t want your tactless ass in his house.”
If this were true white men would be the least married people on the planet.
1. All your shirts are tight enough to see your belly button.
2. You take relationship advice from me.
3. You have knuckle hair and grey lips.
4. You constantly reschedule plans and don’t understand why people don’t deal with you.
5. You have a car and no home.
6. You have 20 kids and pay so much child support that you can’t afford to date.
7. You talk about bottom b*tches, whores, and squirt bellies on facebook. Then wonder why you never meet anybody.
8. You’re a man and wear fur/faux fur coats.
9. You get two speeding tickets, eat ribs, and belittle waitstaff on your 1st date.
10. You are always pursuing fruitless relationships because you’re worried about what others think.
Number 8 and number 9 is just being an alpha-male. You didn’t know that’s what hot in the streets?
I forgot to add yell at your date, refuse to drive them home, then play the muppet song ” rainbow connection” on date’s voicemail when it’s over to number 9.
Sounds like a personality disorder. I don’t know how many times I have to tell my girl friends to stop going on dates with guys they connect with in PTSD chat rooms.
“Sounds like a personality disorder”
LOOOOL
3. You have knuckle hair
hold the HELL UP…..
i ain’t tellin Andre to put a fade on my digits……
be glad they don’t drag the ground!
I would find it more questionable if a man was having his knuckle hair waxed. I would definitely call shenanigans on that one.
+1
When shaving the beard run a Gillette over those wolfman hands. I went out with a guy with thick hair that went down his arm all the way to midfinger.
8. You’re a man and wear fur/faux fur coats.
Ahhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahaha!
Can you think of any other reasons why someone might not be married?
Why, yes I can.
*ehem*
———–
* Lacking basic domestic skills(cooking, home maintenance, etc)
* No more tread is left on your ‘tire’. In fact, its just a pot hole.
* Unwilling to give up certain elements of the single lifestyle.
* You have man boobs (gender nuetral)
* Your breath is visible.
* Inability to say more than two sentences without cursing.
* Your baby daddy is up for parole
—and finally—-
* You wear headwraps during chex.
I never knew what pulled pork was…..until now. Interesting.
Personally, I always thought some vageens favored a roast beef sandwich. You know, the vajayjays with the elongated labias and flabias hangalangin and dangalangin around.
Indignant labias. So superfluous, it comes with instructions and a map to the hole.
Christmas everyday trying to unwrap that muthaf*ck@.
“You wear headwraps during chex.”
10 times out of 10, if you wake me up for 3am chex, I’ll have a scarf on. What, should I stop my man mid thrust to do my hair?!
Exactly, if we’re being spontaneous, the scarf just might be on sometimes. If think he’d prefer ‘anytime, anyplace” to “oooh, lemme fix my hair first”.
Are you married?
PUULEASE! No, I am not but the head scarf is not the reason. If it is, then I most likely won’t be getting married to this ninja.
@Ivy St.“PUULEASE! No, I am not “<—- Please stop right there. No need to go any further with your shinannery, as I rest my case.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can confidently theorize that all members of the spinsterhood,…are indeed devout headwrap wearers during chex. GUILTY! That n*gga is guilty!
LOL! Whatever
@Mr SoBo
“shinannery”
I’m through.
*considers testing this theory and placing the head wrap on temporary probation
Take the scarf off and re-wrap/style after. Unless you have rollers or something of that nature, it shouldn’t be that big a deal.
That’s how I do it in my house.
agreed. a good wrap can come down or be re-wrapped quickly! tho chexin with a wrap happens, a lil hair pullin happens better.
In retrospect, the wrap does eventually find its way to the floor. LOL
Indigent Labias? Please stop right now. LOL
“You know, the vajayjays with the elongated labias and flabias hangalangin and dangalangin around. Indignant labias. So superfluous, it comes with instructions and a map to the hole.”
This made me want to be your friend in real life, not just around the n*gganets.
I’ve heard it referred to as roast beef as well. A couple of my friends professed their admiration of the Flintstones proportioned labia majoras. I can see no aesthetic benefit to a sticking my member in a hole that resembles Dr. Zoidberg’s face crossed splcied an unmasked predator. Maybe having an extra fleshy shower curtain adds another dimension of sensation by sopping up all the errant fatty juices viscous secretions. Not sure if I could handle eating that grinder though.
That should read errant fatty juices AND viscous secretions. If I had a dime for every time I made that mistake…
LMAO @ Dr Zoiberg. I heart Futurama.
@Meedium Meech – ” I can see no aesthetic benefit to a sticking my member in a hole that…”
The thing about those complex looking -aka- ‘rubix cube’ vag*nas, is that visually, you can observe the lips clasping around the member during coitus. They do trap the “errant fatty juices and vicious secretions”, providing an extra layer of lubricant keeping the pipe continuously oiled. Also, these rogue, Cinque ‘give me free’ labias, provide additional stimulation to the member as well. So its like your getting sensation inside as well as outside the vajayjay. Depending on how deep the thrust, the twins may get some gentle caressing from them as well.
Double the pleasure, double the fun. 8 pairs of lips beats a pair of one.
@sobo
you should have just ended this with
“Feed me Seymour”
I’ve dealt with inverted labia (minor bigger than major), no labia, thin lipped labia, Liberian labia, Librarian labia, and camel toe. None have provided the sensation you described. It sounds like f*king a pastrami sandwich on rye, but in a good way. Thank you, good sir, for adding a new goal to the bucket list.
Trust me.
Its like having s*x with a Mrs. Dr. Manhattan.
The extra sensation hitting your johnson will have you looking around the room mid stroke just to make sure its only the two of ya’ll in that bed.
Anyways, good luck w/ that bucket list.
LLS!!!! Careful with the mileage, and the tires ain’t so worrisome but more like BF Goodrich.
@Mr SoBo
“You have man boobs (gender neutral)”
LMAO! @ gender neutral part!
@MrSoBo
LMAO @ “your breath is visible”….if that’s the case, it then should be labeled as “breaf”
@ Mr. SoBo
“Personally, I always thought some vageens favored a roast beef sandwich. You know, the vajayjays with the elongated labias and flabias hangalangin and dangalangin around.”
No matter how loud they get though they growl and spit Clutch they fists and throw up signs like a Crip and throw all types of fits I leave Em split like @ss cheeks and rag p***y lips
You know, I’m not hating on the sista with the head scarf because atleast her hair comes out silky smooth. I’ve never worn a head scarf a day in my life. My friends are always teasing me like it’s Black girl code 311. It makes your hair come out silky and what not. What if you try to have s.ex with her after she put on her wrap? Then you gonna un-silk her hair and that’s just selfish.
j/k
I *cant* with yall today! I knew SOMEONE was gonna go hard or go home on the pulled pork/beef curtain.
* Inability to say more than two sentences without cursing.
-Wut duh F*CK?!?
Yes Yeah…So. We’ve already established long ago that you’re not a lady whether it be in the streets, sheets, or backseat of jeeps .No need to keep reminding us. We get it..
Oh hush Buzzkill! Kill yo’self!… ugh. *eye roll*
I couldn’t if I wanted to, as I’ve already suffered a thousand deaths at the blood stained hands of your ignorance. Please, no more.
Mmmm… I kinda like it when you beg.
“You know, the vajayjays with the elongated labias and flabias hangalangin and dangalangin around”
Women have as much control with this as men have with ‘size’.
@Kema – “Women have as much control with this as men have with ‘size’.”
Then they should get circumcized just as men do.
Just joking. But yes, you are correct. For any woman that has substantial genetilia, she should not feel ashamed in any means. It is perfectly normal. Unfortunately, the full figured vajayjays arent represented enough in film, and publications. So the general public isnt regularly exposed to the varying forms of the percious lotus flowers. I think many women that are blessed with more down there, tend to be self conscious and insecure at times. I say, dont be. It’s the same delicacy, just a full serving. Bon apetite’.
Champ, OMG I am crying at the pulled pork pic… lawd you gonna get me in trouble today!!!! LMAO
Reason #4080: You want a wedding but aren’t ready for marriage.
I’ve met tons of folks that fit this scenario, and unfortunately dated a few. Nothing in your life demonstrates that you’re ready for marriage–you’re not good at compromising, you’re extra spontaneous and marriage requires planning with your mates interest in mind, you’re frivilous with money, and/or you’re job situation is precarious or non-existent.
But you still want to have that special day where you are the center of attention with some man pledging his everlasting love. I think alot of folks would be better served with having a “sweet 26″ rather than sweet 16teens (Baton Rouge stand up!!).
@dos pesos
“Nothing in your life demonstrates that you’re ready for marriage–you’re not good at compromising, you’re extra spontaneous and marriage requires planning with your mates interest in mind, you’re frivilous with money, and/or you’re job situation is precarious or non-existent.”
This.Right.Here! My best friend and I were discussing what her pastor spoke about in church last week. She referenced something that will stick with me forever: “You can tell what a man (woman) is like based on what they do with their money and their free time.”
“Baton Rouge stand up!!”
(Jigs for 5 seconds) : )
Your reason #4080 is on point! I know many folks who just want a wedding but once that’s over the reality of making a relationship still exists and they just can’t see why he doesn’t want to get married. Uhm…cuz y’all can’t get it right and it’s been over 5 years. It’s time to just call it (time of death) and move on.
I’mma try and overlook that “16teens” or else I’mma just die a little inside lmao
But I agree. One of my close friends has her wedding down already, from the koi pond to the doves at sunset, yet she doesn’t do well with steady relationships. Por que?
LMAO @ Koi pond. OFF!
What kinda grown *ss man says “vageen”?!
That’s at least 76.098% non-hetero.
I have a feeling Champ was channel surfing and landed on a rerun of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” (or one of its spin-offs) before or while writing this post.
Man, I live in a neighborhood full of “Ten Speed Guys.” I got places to go, people to see and a desk to get to in the morning so please get your pedaling ass out the middle of the lane. You are not a car but you will be a hood ornament if you don’t slide to the right.
And curious, is David Anderson the white version of DeShawn Stevenson? They look like they would hang out.
I think you mean Chris “Birdman” Andersen from the Nuggets. He looks like a good mix between a homeless man, crack addict, carny folk, and basketball player
Thank goodness (mainly due to my profession) I have mastered the “cover up my mouth and laugh until tears well up in my eyes and stream down my face”, because this whole post and these comments are KILLING me today!
So when I walked into my office this morning everything in my being told me NOT to log onto VSB because no good would come of it. I ignored my gut feeling and here I am, an hour later STILL messing around in here with y’all. Why do I do it to myself? I need to be working but I’m in here laughing, crying, having convulsions behind the insanity you brought forth today. Thak you Champ. My productivity is officially on E today.
That sh*t is funny as hell though. Here’s a couple more.
You’re an effing nincompoop. Like really. You never know anything. You don’t know why something is a good idea. You don’t know why something is a bad idea. You don’t know why you like the things you like. You don’t know why there always seems to be toothpaste on the front of your shirt or crumbs on your breasts. You know NOTHING.
You are corny. You are a nice person but you have absolutely no flavor.
You have no affect. People often wonder how you feel because your face is a perpetual blank stare. I personally believe that you are a mass murderer waiting for the voices in your head to give you the signal to decapitate in the office.
Its 2011 and you still wear a Triple Fat Goose/ full length denim trench coat/ dark green twill Cross Colors pants/ an X cap/ chunky ass club shoes with metal on top of the toe. I loved the golden age of hip-hop too, but no one can take you seriously if you still look like you just stepped off of the set of In Living Color, Living Single, or Martin.
That should say “decapitate everyone in the office”
“Its 2011 and you still wear a Triple Fat Goose/ full length denim trench coat/ dark green twill Cross Colors pants/ an X cap/ chunky ass club shoes with metal on top of the toe. I loved the golden age of hip-hop too, but no one can take you seriously if you still look like you just stepped off of the set of In Living Color, Living Single, or Martin.”
smgdh………dayum
Listen. I haven’t done it, but I feel like I would still be fresh to death if I unretired my Triple Fat Goose coat. And cross colors will be back in style in 3 years. Note it.
I’m sorry, but I can not supprot the idea of you rockin a triple fat goose. I love you and all but… No. Just no. My mythical sister would NOT approve of such a wardrobe choice.
with her fine ass.
All of this cept the blandness can be summed up with, cause they some hot a$$ bamas<—- a term so eloquently used LOL, that it spawned several other "hot a$$ messes" etc
Omg, I have nooooo attraction to cornballs. It’s the un-s.exiest thing. I have no s.ex drive for it and will instantly put you in the friend category. Someone who can make me laugh is se.xy. And what’s with blank stare people? I thought it was only me. Something is very unsettling with people who show no emotion.
@SFG – “And what’s with blank stare people? I thought it was only me. Something is very unsettling with people who show no emotion”
Yeah, they are called sociopaths.
“You eventually moved out of town because of the embarrassment, met a nice guy, and things were going well until he invited you to a NFL game, saying that “his cousin, DeAngelo” got him the tickets. Saddened, you encase yourself in a giant egg for 72 hours, and the nickname the newspapers give you — “the egg girl slut” — keeps you from marriage forever. All because you f*cked Deshawn Stevenson in 2008″
I always wondered why the new chic in the office is out of town during sporting event, lmao!!!!
I just seent these with my own eyes, so I’ll add:
You dress like you’re going to the club all the time. Why are you wearing the fukc-em dress to the office?
You wear pajamas out in public like you really have on an actual outfit.
You wear tight, light-colored sweat pants with white grandma panties pulled up your arse like a thong. Umm… Why?
You wear jeggings like they are actual jeans. They are not.
You come to the Superbowl party smelling like arse, armpits, pizza, Newports and weed. (True story).
“You come to the Superbowl party smelling like arse, armpits, pizza, Newports and weed. (True story).”
You then proceeded to try to holla at every woman there, offered to open a Heineken for my friend, proceeded to bite off both the top and some of the glass, and then got mad when people were concerned about the blood running down the sides of your mouth. (True story, including the interesting body smells)
You done kilt me! BTW, was that ninja’s name Jerome?
Lawd I can’t breath! Dude bit through a bottle? LMAO!!!
“You dress like you’re going to the club all the time. Why are you wearing the fukc-em dress to the office?”
Or in Walmart at 2 in the afternoon, or in the library. Why you always look like you walked off the set of a Lil’ Boosie video?
But you know what the opposite is true too. Oversized sweatshirts and mom-jeans ain’t gonna get you anywhere either.
Reason # 654329 why you’re not married: You’re sporting a tee-shirt that has “We hate them h.oes” written in big bold letters on it.
*as just witnessed in a Walmart check-out line… Smh*
-________________________-
That really doesn’t sound like anything a heterosexual male should be wearing.
Was it a black shirt with white lettering? He was at the Rockets game last night in the same shirt.
Bwhahahha. Wow.
Why You’re Not Married: The “Lookin’ At The Front Door” Remix
12:13 PM 2/17/2011 Thu
Hello Champ, everyone,
Interesting article, and comes at a time when observers of the sociosexual landscape, such as myself, have predicted an ever-rising tide of articles and blogposts and tv specials and the like, coming from the Spinsterhood, bemoaning their woes in one way or another. A particular slice of said cohort, will fashion themselves into a kind of new fangled Crone class, offering their roadword wisdom borne of their “trials and tribulations” – Women who’ve been there and done that – and have seen the error of their ways. Of course, only at the end of their hotness, do they finally see the light. Such is the situation we have here with Ms. McMillan (a true irony if there ever was one, given her name and background), and a growing cadre of “crones” (Lori Gottlieb’s book “Marry Him!” comes to mind – and was released a year ago this month, in fact)
So, for the interested readers of VSB, I offer, the following remix, to clear the air…
“You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor. ”
O: Yes, I know, and while it may be sad, it is nevertheless true: Women are far and away more interested in getting married, than there are Men, regardless as to how many Feminist/Womanist harpies gnash their teeth and stomp their feet to the contrary. Anyone with one good eye can see this easily proofed, not only by all those reality tv shows along these lines on cable, but by the plethora of bridal mags and rom-coms. Besides, everyone knows that the only guys interested in such stuff don’t tend to get down with girls like that.
“Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.
Well, I know why.”
O: Not really; you’re hinting around it, but here, let me help you – the reason why such strong and independent Women have such a 180 degree change of heart, is because the clanging of their biological clock is louder than Quasimodo’s church bell, and they know they need to get the lead out. Bunk what you heard, “social constructs” and Feminst cant be danged, Biomechanics, Uber Alles…
“How? It basically comes down to this: I’ve been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison. ”
O: *slips on SMP HAZMAT suit, breaks out C*ck Carousel Geiger Counter*
NOTE to the VSBs: behold the Game concept known as Backwards Rationalization – a process wherein which a Woman seeks to rationalize the (sexual) mistakes of her life, and foists them onto the faults of others, instead of directly owning up to her role, which was crucial, since in Nature, Males display and Females choose, in the grand drama. Her daddy being in the joint has at best, a minimal role here, especially after she reaches the age to look out for herself. The real reason as to why she made so many bad decisions? Well, like I said above, you gotta approach such a Sista with a HAZMAT suit. I’m sure you can take it from there as to what I mean…
“I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated — traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.”
O: If you want to know if something is logical and true, all you need do is apply the same rationale on both ends of the scale, and see if it evens out. So, let’s take Ms. McMillan out of the picture and insert instead, Mr. McMillan – would Women be cool with Mr. McMillan being married three times, as a result of his oh-so-hardscrabble life, who can as a result of those hard, hard times, now is in a position to counsel others on it? Oh, wait *cough, Steve Harvey, cough*…
“But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.”
O: Like I said, only at the fag end of their hotness, do they see the truth. Hands up, all the Bruhs out there who just love themselves some De Facto Spinters?
1. You’re a Bitch.
O: When it comes to the Sistahood, we can really stop right here. Indeed, the very word “Sista” is synonymous with an entire constellation of attitudes, behaviors, norms, language, mean-mugging, scowling, foul-mouthed, hand-on-the-hip, cobrahead gesticulations that are reknown throughout the world, the Solar System, and indeed the whole of the Gamma Quadrant. The only problem I have with Ms. McMillan here, is she’s about a day late and what, some 15 years short? Tupac already broke this point down before he died.
At any rate, here’s the deal – we really don’t care why you’re angry. It’s not our moral crisis, I mean Men, now. Not only do we have enough stuff on our plate to begin with, but you really ain’t that hot to be putting up with your crap. No Brotha wants to deal with the feminine equivalent of Eminem’s temperment. Get therapy, and holla back when you’ve learned how to smile.
2. You’re Shallow.
O: The only problem with being shallow is, if you don’t have the requisite goods to attract and then lock-in that which you want (the latter is the real kicker for Women, the former for Men). “Character” while not unimportant, has about as much utility in the initial phases of the mating dance, as the proverbial Swiss army knife has in a gunfight. Look, here’s the deal: if you were all that, Ms. McMillan would be doing something other than writing pieces for HuffPo trying to help you out. You’re not, and no one told you that when it could have actually made a difference, so now at the 11th Hour, she, Champ and now Obsidian, is trying to give it you Three the Hard Way. You can only get away with being shallow if your the BOMB. More often than not, the Sistas who have the longest lists, are barely eking out a modest 6 themselves on the scale. If that.
3. You’re a Slut.
O: While Ms. McMillan’s right on the biomechanical end of things here, one thing she conveniently leaves out is the fact that no Man worth his salt can or will want to settle down with a Woman who’s had more confirmed dudes running up in her than Rambo’s had confirmed kills. Call it whatever you like, but the socalled double standard is real and for very good reason, because no Man wants to be a cuckold – or wants to have reason to believe that he could be. Just the mere appearance or impression of being a Ho can and will wreck your whole situation for a marriage or an LTR up. *turns to the VSBs* Hands up all you Brothas who want to wife up the gal who you know for a fact did the Eastern conference of the All-Star squad – and the ball boys?
Yea, that’s what I thought. Watch your count, ladies. Keep it under double digits, especially if you’re around Ms. McMillan’s age. And, please do not think you can hide that stuff if your number is a bit high; you now live in a MySpace/Twitter/Facebook world. We have ways of sussing such things out…
4. You’re a Liar.
O: To yourself, as Ms. McMillan rightly noted. That being said, a Woman wouldn’t be a Woman were it not for her Rationalization Hamster; start your engines!
5. You’re Selfish.
“If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.”
O: Speak on it, Day-Late-And-A-Dollah-Short Sista. Speak on it. These are the kinds of ladies who want a Man as a kind of ornament or accoutrment, a kind of accessory to their life. And yea, a selfish Woman is a big bonerkiller. Thanks to our special initiative to refuse to give the Selfish Sistas any play whatsoever, we can measure the results of our plan in terms of blogposts, articles, books, movies and the like, where such Sistas and her ilk bemoan their pain. If all goes well, another decade of this treatment will cull their kind from the gene pool, leaving behind much more amenable Sistas with which to repopulate the Earth. And the Moon should we ever get around to building a colony there…
“Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.”
O: Uh, FALSE – proof? Wait, does anyone who’s Black really need proof on this score? What do Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford have in common, hmm? If any Sista out there thinks she can rope in a guy by popping out a baby or two, she is in need of something much more substantial then therapy…
6. You’re Not Good Enough.
O: Does not compute; no such Sista exists.
“Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.”
O: One word – Hypergamy.
The rest of Ms. McMillan’s article tries to end on a happy note, and being a naturally optimistic guy, I can’t really knock her for this. But I also try to be realistic and pragmatic as well – for many Sistas at least, marriage simply will not be an option on the table to discuss, for a whole host of reasons, quite a few of her own making. What is much more feasible for them, is to focus on the final word Ms. McMillan mentioned:
“Love.”
You get what you give. If you don’t have it in your life, the first thing you have to brutally assess, is whether you are actually being loving. Scowling isn’t loving. Mean mugging? Not loving. Riding the c*ck carousel until the wheels fall off? No Amor. Being incredibly vapid while you five parsecs away from a 6? NOT loving. You get the idea.
Hopefully, you won’t be in a situation like Ms. McMillan (middle aged, married three times, singlemom, quite possibly a carousel rider) before any of this sinks in through that B*tch Shield of yours…
Comment & reply, invited.
The Obsidian
I’m exhausted just scanning this reply… No offense to the content of the post (which I have no clue about) or to the author. Just sharing and sh*t.
I read the article linked to huffpost and I think that the author had some valid points (blunt and unpleasant though they might be). I disagreed with the wording on one point (point #3) and wasn’t sure about point #6 (seemed plausible but it could be inaccurate) but the other ones were just “splashes of cold water” to the face of some who probably needed.
There was truth to it, but it wasn’t universally applicable or the “final word” on why some women aren’t married. But for some, there is definitely some truth.
I think it was less a “why you ain’t married” article and more of a “this is what marriage is about: being selfless (and you don’t seem to be, and its obvious to everyone else around you, QED)”
#1)hopefully, a selfish person looking for marriage should not find it.
#2)a truly selfish person, not looking for marriage, may just well agree with that article and conclude that marriage, ultimately, is not for her/him.
See I didn’t even get a “This is What Marriage Is About Vibe” to me it was more of using the desire to be married as the vehicle to force certain women (not all women) to be honest with themselves.
There are women who are in compliance with all the points (1 thru 6) who still aren’t married, and there are some who were described by points (1 thru 6) who still got married of it.
I agree with you it’s not about why you aren’t married, it’s about being honest about who and what you are (some of that just might happen to impact future marriage prospects). Can you dig it?
damn bruh maybe you should have just linked this article to your blog or just team up with VSB, you entry is longer and more in-depth than the champs blog #noshots
@Obsidian.
I understand your mission, as your determination and fortitude is admirable. Unfortunately the futility of it all dwarfs your noble efforts. For ‘they’ will only observe the chastising, never the schooling behind it. Which begs the question, why do you persist?
Dear moderator,
My comment is innocent. Please release it at once.
Hello Mr. SoBo,
Very good question; why do I persist?
Because it is time Brothas began to start lifting their voices. I’m a Brotha, and I am doing my part.
That, has its own reward; but it is only all that much sweeter when the record has recorded there were a Few Good Brothas who told it like it TIZ.
That’s why.
Thanks as always
O.
Are you self employed?
Seriously you stay posting theses on the regular. I have no doubt that you’re an intelligent being but your communication skills need some serious work if it takes this much to get your point across.
You know Deviant, I remember being taught to express myself using the least amount of words to accurately communicate my thoughts and/or simply state the facts. Anything else is trying too hard, you will lose your audience and your message will be missed or miscontrued.
Thank you OSHH. It doesn’t take a tome to get your point across.
*snickers*
hee.
LOL. Why, ad hominem will get you absolutely nowhere, Deviant.
How about you try actually addressing that which I said? With a little effort, and given how much I actually said, surely you’ll be able to find something to substantively disagree with?
Try real hard now…
O.
“If you don’t have it in your life, the first thing you have to brutally assess, is whether you are actually being loving.”
Very nice.
The sun is shining and then this! What a wonderful day indeed!!
And…you’re not married because you are THE REASON people scatter at any event you attend (in person or on the ninjanets).
P.S. LOVING my book!!
God is good.
LMAO @ Pulled pork vageen. Really?? Well, I guess that’s better than vag that resembles some kinda Hash (my Southern folks will know what I’m talking ’bout)
You’re not married ‘cuz you didn’t go to Jared…
LOL I hate them dayum commercials!
not hash!!!!! bwhahahahha
You’re not married ‘cuz you didn’t go to Jared…
Foolish lol.
Got my mouth all ready for some tuna ain’t nothing but corned beef hash.
LOL..that’s kinda nasty, tho. Don’t know whether to laugh or gag profusely from the image you just gave me.
*I’m going vegan…
SHUT UP VERA!
504 Hotgirl!! *leanin back to beenie weenie* lol
Shoutout to my 225s!
@mochazine
Louisiana starting to get strong here on VSB.
(sheds tear of joy)
That’s because Panama was a meanie to Baton Rouge.
504 HotGirl!! *leans back to beanie weenie* LOL
Shoutout to my 225s!!
Dear God – the pulled pork reference now comes with a visual! Makes me wonder what in the Scottie Pippen Hell is going on w/ some peoples cats???
“Sometimes these articles are seemingly well-intentioned, but largely inaccurate and ultimately antagonistic. (i.e. “How Black Churches Keep Black Women Single and Lonely“) Sometimes these articles are just plain f*cking stupid. (i.e. “8 Reasons to Date a White Man”)”
Initially I had no intention to comment on this article, as I wanted to keep up my lurking ways, but I went to the website hyperlinked to “8 Reasons to date a white man” and quite honestly, that may have been by far the most foolish blog list that I’ve seen in the black blogosphere.
According to that site, black men don’t go to college and have no regard for the traditional relationship structure. So the educated black men in the world checking for sisters are not actual people, rather these black men are all magical unicorns for black women to recognize as a mirage and thus subsequently defer to white men.
When champ said some of the articles were plain just “f*cking stupid” I legit thought that it was hyperbole. After going to the site, I see that he wasn’t exaggerating. I’m gonna stop goin in on that blog, (it’s deserved) and I’m probably gonna ban it from my computer. I don’t want to lose any brain cells or disturb my peace of mind by knowing that people write things that could not make the slightest semblance of sense in a mental institution.
….
I just checked out this article about the male side of the marriage thing…does any of this hold water?
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-dont-men-settle-down/
No. 4 literally made me cringe.
No. 10 offered the same effect.
One of my friends sent me the link to this offensive post. FIrst of all I read Ms. Cooper’s article on the black church last year, AND heard her discuss it on Tom Joyner and CNN. Since you are not a black woman and don’t have the experiences in churches that women have, you are not qualified to criticize what a Sistah says about how men treat women in church. You ain’t a black woman and you ain’t a female church goer.
Secondly, your 10 reasons women are not married are stupid.
Pingback: Reasons why you’re still not married | Web Watch by Web Gangsta
Gosh this post is sad and true! LOL. But forreal, who likes cottage cheese that much?
“pulled pork vageen”?????
*drags coffin over and lays myself to rest*