Every two months or so, an article or blog dealing with relationships or sex rips its way through the N*gganet, leaving Twitter, Facebook, and Gmail ablaze. Sometimes these articles are seemingly well-intentioned, but largely inaccurate and ultimately antagonistic. (i.e. “How Black Churches Keep Black Women Single and Lonely“) Sometimes these articles are just plain f*cking stupid. (i.e. “8 Reasons to Date a White Man”)
And sometimes, well, sometimes these articles are kind of awesome. Equal parts blunt, insightful, and funny – and filled with digs at herself and both genders — Tracy McMillian’s “Why You’re Not Married” offers a (race-neutral) list of six roadblocks keeping many 30-something, successful, and marriage-minded woman from the alter.
1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.
But, while McMillan stopped her list at six (and kept it directed at women), I was feeling particularly ambitious yesterday and decided to add 10 more gender neutral roadblocks keeping people from getting married.
1. You’re full-retard
Although a bit of garden-variety retardedness is acceptable (and even attractive to many professional athletes), going full-retard is never cute, and will usually leave you at the city-county building with the rest of the full-retards, asking magistrates if your s*men-eyed ass can press charges for “intentionally bad ejaculatory aim”
2. You smell like the sh*t that drunk truckers take in Waffle House bathrooms at 2:27 am.
While no one is immune to sudden bouts of uncontrolled flatulence, if a baby’s dream and The Dream dies every time you lift one of your arms, the only ring you’re going to see is the barricade of Febreze bottles your co-workers place around your cubicle.
3. You walk around too naked too long in the gym locker room
Being able to walking around butt-ass naked in all your flaccid and/or floppy glory for hours at a time is one of the benefits of being a grown-ass adult and having your own place. But, you regularly extending this flaccid/floppy f*ckery to highly populated public gym locker rooms is keep you from holy matrimony, because after that bullsh*t, God doesn’t want your tactless ass in his house.
4. You eat spoonfuls of cottage cheese
Not only is this keeping you from marriage, the fact that your nasty-ass scoops the bottom of the cottage cheese container with your finger to get those “hidden little pieces” and then licks it off your finger is keeping you from friendship, employment, dignity, and, well, humanity.
5. Not only do you ride a 1o speed to work, you ride it in the middle of the street
The planet appreciates your effort to stay green, and you’re probably an altogether swell guy too, but while you’re driving your Huffy at 13 mph, the negative energy emitting from the dozens of drivers stuck behind you fantasizing about disemboweling you with a Wonton soup spoon will keep anyone from actually wanting to start a life with you.
6. You f*cked Deshawn Stevenson in 2008
Sure, it wasn’t completely your fault. You just had a bad week a work, your man just left you for his step-sister, and you just discovered you have the gout. So, in an attempt to cheer you up, your girls took to Deshawn Stevenson’s birthday party, and even managed to pull a couple strings to get into the VIP section. And, although you expected him to be an a-hole, Deshawn was surprisingly magnanimous; giving you and your girls a bottle of Louis XIII, dancing with you, and even telling his cousin to fetch you a tissue when the weed smoke made your eyes water. Anybody would have fell for him. Sh*t, even me, and I’m not even a gay.
Anyway, eventually one thing led to another, and eventually you were riding him while he was riding in the trunk of Gilbert Arenas’s Escalade, while DeAngelo Hall taped it all.
You eventually moved out of town because of the embarrassment, met a nice guy, and things were going well until he invited you to a NFL game, saying that “his cousin, DeAngelo” got him the tickets. Saddened, you encase yourself in a giant egg for 72 hours, and the nickname the newspapers give you — “the egg girl slut” — keeps you from marriage forever. All because you f*cked Deshawn Stevenson in 2008
7. You use public wi-fi to watch and download p*rn
While it’s an efficient and ingenious use of time (and you might get lucky and turn on a particularly horny barista), not only will people be scared away by your excessively freaky habits, they’ll realize you’re not marriage-material since your 37 year old ass can’t even afford a good enough wi-fi connection to download p*rn in your 200 square foot studio.
8. You walk like a pregnant cow
Not even horses try to hit on and bag cows while they’re pregnant, and a horse will f*ck anything. Don’t believe me? Ask Beyonce.
9. You leave “This is stupid. Who even cares about this?” comments on blogs
I’ve always wondered if people did this — leave comments haughtily expressing their “blahness” about a subject, despite the fact that them taking the time to actually write a comment proved that they cared enough to at least leave a comment — approached the rest of their lives like that. Do they go to restaurants and order food they know they’re allergic to? Do they get approach, court, date, sleep with, and get engaged to women just for the opportunity to tell them “You know, I never really liked you that much?” Do they eat food just to prove to themselves that they’re not hungry? Who knows?
10. You have a pulled-pork vageen
Let’s put it this way. If a guy goes down on you, and his first thought is “Wait, didn’t I see this last week on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives?” the only time you’ll jump the broom is when your lover actually swings a broom at you because he thought your bedraggled vageen was a raccoon with syphilis.
Anyway people of VSB, did I miss anything? Can you think of any other reasons why someone might not be married?
—The Champ
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“Tracy McMillian’s “Why You’re Not Married” offers a (race-neutral) list of six roadblocks keeping many 30-something, successful, and marriage-minded woman from the alter.”
Fun fact: she is also a three-time divorcee, read i earlier today and thought is was funny(in that sad “ppl can still write bout this” sort of way)
Sorry bout the double post yesterday
Well technicially she was writing about how to get married and if anything she knows how to get married right?
But maybe if the article read, ” how to sustain a marriage” I would be more skeptical w/her credentials
Well I guess if you know what you did wrong you can offer a “no to do list,” bc she definitely knows that!
That’s what I figured…
Hmmm, good point. Still, reading bout this topic made me notice just how common and also easy it is to write this list over and over again.
O snap im actually the first post. Time for victory tea!
She candidly talked about that in the article. She emphasized that she knew what it took to “get” married.
yea, she mentions that in the article. still, i wouldnt let her past dissuade you from reading it. its a good read
um…just a thought “Kim Kardashian isnt married”…lol. smiles and giggles dont get you down the aisle either apparently….lolol! *goes back to read the rest of the post*
Kim isn’t currently married but she’s married twice – so far.
#3 You walk around too naked too long in the gym locker room
Can I testi-FAH! I used to get off work at 11pm and go to the gym afterward. The most desirable lockers are right by the showers, which are always full when the gym is full. And yet, there was a woman who always took the FARTHEST locker from the shower and walked back and forth buck naked…despite the fact that almost no lockers were being used. I can’t
Tell me you said something to her, cause that is just a no ma’am situation lmao
Yeah the imagery of the pulled pork had me on the floor… i didnt need that pic…
the conundrum- pulled pork is so delicious. is ok if it tastes like pulled pork?? LOL
Please WIP, stop it right now. I almost died choking on my coffee.
Gross WIP!! hahahaha
No. It means you need to go to the doctor, get your cholesterol measured, make some lifestyle changes, move out of the south, and go on Lipitor E-ME-JET-LEE.
You ain’t no damn good. You almost killed me with that one.
i bet she was doing that “haters gonna hate stroll”…
http://i51.tinypic.com/23lyscm.jpg
Lol too funny!!
@peter parker – she sure was
@Tes – I stayed quiet. This was a middle aged white woman in a wealthier suburb. If I said “girl, bye” I’d be on the 6 am news “Middle aged woman assaulted in Ritzyville at midnight by enraged Negress”
dead
fa real!
i had a teammate in college who’d have full conversations with you while he was standing and you were sitting at your locker, basically putting his balls eye level. he’s not married now, btw
I’ve been officially kilt by “pulled pork vageen”!! Oh em gee, I need oxygen…lol oh, and cottage cheese is nasty. Yick!
I know I think I vomited in my mouth a lil bit when I saw the picture and the comparison in my mind’s eye…
Funny…he’s not the 1st person I’ve heard refer to mangled lady bits as pulled pork. *snickers*
Mangled lady bits tho? *autotune cry*
Yeah, Champster is really doing the most with the pix this week.
What’s up with that?
Forreal. Big as ish…and just reckless as hayle.
a picture says 1,000 words and sh*t
*dead*
yeah, that imagery is really something i didn’t need to start off my work morning…. pulled pork… smh… i won’t be able to eat one of those sandwiches for a month now…. thanks Champ… lol
My best male friend calls that a “chipped chop ham sandwich”
OMG!!! I can’t stop crying. The term “pulled pork vageen” is EVERYTHING!
Yeah the image just killed me!!!! And then I couldn’t help but think… How does this happen? Does one have a temporary lapse of judgement, read too many Zane books and then go at it with a cheese grater?!?! Too many questions..
That was one of the silliest Champ lists I have seen in quite a while, but anyhoo, you might not be married because of the group of people you hang around. While the whole “chicken heads of a feather” cliche may not always be true, it still rings true to a lot of folks. Whether it is correct or not, people will judge you by your crew. This goes for men or women, but especially to women. Be cognizant of the company you keep.
Oh and the cottage cheese thing was just… just…. yeah.
agreed. if your friends seem like a group of shady haeux you yourself will be viewed as a shady haeux…
lol @ “chicken heads of a feather”
but it is definitely true.
“That was one of the silliest Champ lists I have seen in quite a while”
My sentiments exactly!! LOL!!!
you’re right. evil b*tches run in packs, like wild wolves or jaded hispanics
not bedraggled though…jawns looking like fraggle rock out here LOL….
thats disgustiing
#1 reason you’re not married: You think Lil Duval is funny and follow him on Twitter.
Or you RT Rev Run http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK3PHOwI-qo
No shade at Rev. Run…but I would seriously marry Vanessa and she could have my kids. lol.
i don’t think you’re alone in thinking that. vanessa simmons seems to be turning up on a lot of guy’s top 10 lists
lol NOT the negro twitter anthem!!!!! foolish.
I loves me some Black Twittuh! I have officially been turnt out by the Black Twittuh!
What is wrong with eating cottage cheese? It goes great with peaches or most preserves.
I refused to eat anything that is used to describe vaginal discharge
DEAD!!
So no clam juice either? Or chunky fra diavlo depending on the lunar cycle?
Meech, to the corner –>
100% agree. Just ugh!
@ D’LADY
i was thinking the same thing… what’s wrong with it?
@ Yoles
Me too! It’s great with pineapple as well.
Cottage Cheese is just plain disgusting
exactly. the name alone sounds unappealing.
I can’t. There is absolutely nothing that makes me say, “Hey, I need that in my mouth right now. No thanks…
that’s what she said
Giggles.
It’s the texture. It looks and feels like chewed up food.
Also, it tastes like prison.
NOT prison….LMAO!!
“Also, it tastes like prison.”
I’m spent.
Did you just say, “it tastes like prison?” Cause if you did you owe my momma $5 on the casket. Thanks. LOL
You’re not married because you proclaim that you’re “not book smart, but street smart.” Which really means you’re stupid, because otherwise you wouldn’t bother telling people what you aren’t.
Word.Life.
LOL
Damn, P went in…
…and didn’t come back out either
#thatsGangsta
Pulled-pork vageen? Basically, your vageen looks like North Carolina BBQ? LMAO!!
You’re not married because you’re gassy. How can I take yo seriously when every 8.8 minutes, you emit noxious fumes from either your mouth or your a$$? Not a good look, sir. Not a good look at all.
The food pics are just mean. I really like pulled pork, now I have to think about it.
I don’t like cottage cheese, so it’s all good.
This was a fun post though.
I think the day I’ll take advice on marriage from Terry McMillian is the day I’ll buy a book with Steve Harvey’s name on the front. She’s cornered the market on single and bitter for a long @ss time.
Why You’re Not Married:
1. Your momma says no.
2. Your boys think it’s bad for your image.
3. The inside of your car looks like the inside of a McDonald’s dumpster.
Also that pulled pork picture? SMH I’m neva gonna get that outta my head, nevah! iQuit!
the writer was Tracy McMillian, not Terry “i married a DL brother now i’m bitter” McMillian, two different ppl
>.< Exhaustion won't let me be great. I'll google her in the AM
“, not Terry “i married a DL brother now i’m bitter” McMillian, two different ppl”
*DEAD*
She got bitter after she married that dude?
I think she was always that way and just blamed him for it.
Oh I must have just scanned that as well, cuz I was def. thinking of Terry McMillian
bunch of derek zoolander-ass n*ggas up in this thread
Cut me some slack I’m a student workin on a coupla minutes sleep up in here. Besides, I already did my stint at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too…leave me lone >.< lol