10 Types Of Black-On-Black Crime Black People Need To Stop Committing » VSB

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10 Types Of Black-On-Black Crime Black People Need To Stop Committing

1. Serving undercooked and/or underseasoned meat at events Black people happen to be at

Pictured above is some undercooked and awkwardly seasoned chicken I took home from an event several days ago. Words can not fully encapsulate how disappointing and fraudulent this chicken was. This chicken was the final season of Lost. It was Shemar Moore’s cornrow wig in Diary of a Mad Black Woman. If Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign had an official food, this chicken would have been it.

Anyway, this was an event thrown by Black people. In honor of some other Black people. Which is why what you’re witnessing is a crime. Because it’s criminal to be a Black person and invite a hundred Black people somewhere and serve them despondent chicken. There’s no country — at least not in Black America — for gloomy poultry. Nor shall there ever be.

(Why, you ask, did I even bother bringing this griefstricken chicken home? I wanted to see if it could be salvaged. It couldn’t.)

2. Serving no food at events Black people happen to be at

If you have an event or gathering that’s expected to last longer than 15 minutes and you don’t provide food — and you don’t tell people no food will be provided — this is even more criminal than the melancholy chicken. Maybe it isn’t quite a felony. But you should be punished for this. Perhaps you should be forced to relinquish every chair in your home or something.

3. Three-hour-long church services

I love the Lord as much as the next person, but there’s literally nothing that can happen in an 180-minute-long service that can’t occur in 80 minutes. Goin’ Up A Yonder is not a 47-minute-long-song, and it shouldn’t take pastor 92 minutes to connect Ecclesiastes 1:11 to his heroin addiction.

Yet, our people keep subjecting young people to this, turning potentially enthusiastic Christians into protagonists in Kendrick Lamar verses. And this needs to be considered a crime. Because it is.

4. Surprising other Black people with the hood

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with the hood. The hood is the shit. Also, related, there’s less danger of half-assed meat being served if you happen to be at an event in the hood. If you go to a Bougie Black People event, you might need to eat beforehand, because Bougie niggas might have the audacity to prepare and serve couscous sliders. Hood events don’t have this problem. Maybe you’ll get shot. But you’ll get shot with a satisfied stomach.

Anyway, if you are planning on inviting a friend somewhere, and this somewhere happens to be in the hood, you need to inform that person that this event is taking place in the hood. Because while the hood is great and cool, it’s not great and cool to be surprised by the hood. You need to be prepared for the hood, so you can prepare for the hood.

5. Allowing bad hair to happen to good Black people

If you have a friend whose hair consistently vacillates from “damn fool” to “Is he a zombie and we just haven’t realized it yet?” and this has been going on for an extended period of time, you should be charged with a crime. And no, if they always have half-assed hair, it’s not their fault. They’re obviously not self-aware enough to know the reason birds keep flying into their heads is because they think its a nest. Which is why it’s your duty to prevent that, and a crime if you don’t.

6. Forcing other Black people to listen to your shitty music

Think of all the terrible mixtapes and ghastly demos that have been shoved into your hands at beauty salons and barbershops and Megabus stations and family reunions. Now, think of how lovely the world would be if the distribution of shitty rapping and abhorrent singing came with a citation.

7. Strolling at grown-up ass parties

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been at a party as a grown-ass man or woman, saw a group of frat bros or sorority sisters starting to stroll, and thought “Holy shit! This is my favorite part of the night! I love when this happens so much!!!” Of course, me asking you to put your hands up while I’m typing on a laptop in Pittsburgh is a fruitless exercise. Because I can’t see any hands. But I’m going to assume that if I was able to see each of you, none of you would have your hands up right now. Unless you happen to be Greek.

8. Asking for hook-ups from Black people who have been at jobs for literally 37 seconds

If your boy just got hired at 12:22pm, and you’re already texting him about potential hook ups at 12:37pm, you should probably spend a weekend or two in prison. Because you’re a bad person. But mainly because you’re single-handedly ruining our employment rates. I don’t have any numbers in front of me, but I’d wager at least 52% of Black people who’ve been laid off were laid off because friends and family kept asking for the hook-up. Even for shit where hook-ups don’t even register. (“I’m a security guard at the bank, Jerome. How the hell am I going to hook-up your credit?“)

9. Undertipping

Although the server undertipped might not be Black, it eventually ends up being a form of Black-on-Black crime, because that server might then assume the next Black people she sees will be shitty tippers too. Which’ll make her give them substandard service; misremembering orders with an attitude and forgetting forks and shit. Which will make them cuss her out. Which will get them arrested. And Arrested While Black At The Olive Garden is a class B felony in 32 states.

10. Playing basketball with no shirt on

You’re not Morris Chestnut or Taye Diggs, and this isn’t a cliche scene in a Black movie where a group of boys shoot hoops and debate whether Shaun should come to the wedding because he fucked Lisa in college and Lisa didn’t tell Darrell about it yet and it might cause some friction within the group even though all this shit happened 19 years ago.

No one wants to post you up and get a back full of chest sweat. And then go commit a crime because, after they have a back full of chest sweat, they’re so angry that they have to go and rob someone.

Just put your fucking shirt on.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • black-a-rican

    “Which’ll make her give them substandard service; misremembering orders with a attitude and forgetting forks and s#!t. Which will make them cuss her out. Which will get them arrested.”

    I never get arrested, but then again, I don’t go to bland tasting Olive Garden either.

  • Non-teenagers play basketball shirtless?

    • Damon Young

      unfortunately, yes.

      • Amen

        Psychological warfare. Do you care about this YMCA basketball game enough to bathe in another man’s sweat for the next 10-15 minutes?
        Sidenote: Adult male with no shirt at the pick up game is also guy most likely to call charging at the same game.

    • I didn’t do all these crunches for no reason. Shiiiiiid.

      • Keep it to yourself.

      • heyyy

        • Val

          Get a room.

          Lol

          • ( ._.) but… I just wanted to congratulate him on his hard work lol

      • Shanna

        Ahhhh yeah

    • The ones at the park by my house do. Taco meat on the chest just glistening in the sun.

      • Quirlygirly

        HOLLERS!! Taco Meat- too funny!!

        • Mary

          Lawd a mussy!

      • Mochasister

        Eww, taco meat. That reminds me of that scene when Allen Payne was playing basketball without his shirt on. I think it was the movie he did with Jada Pinkett.

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    11.

    when Buck Nasty touches himself.

    I’ll show myself out.

    • Jennifer

      Somebody lock the door behind him.

  • Uniquely Blushed

    #10 reminds me of that Ben Stiller movie “Along Came Polly”. hahaha

  • Sigma_Since 93

    11. When you let auntie out the house and her mustache is not waxed.

    • :( Why ppl always play aunties out…My auntie is the flyest…and I’m a fly a$$ auntie.

      • Val

        Lol Uncles and aunts get made fun of more than anyone else. Lol I wonder why that is?

        • Quirlygirly

          Cause if you try to talk about somebody’s momma.. it is on and popping. But aunties tend to be fair game.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Nobody plays aunties out. It’s the feisty aunties you can’t tell nothing to

      • MissMiamiHeatNation

        i have an uncle that when he is a little on the light side of beer, no one can understand anything he says yet, we all ask questions! LOL

    • Shanna

      I experienced this last week while voting. One of the poll workers had a FULL mustache….FULL. All while she was looking up my info in the computer, I was like, who let this lady grow a FULL ‘stache and not say nothin??? It was like a train wreck…I couldn’t look away.

      • Photoshop’s a helluva drug

        Because there was some fool or fools who told her it was cute. When I was young and didn’t know about wax and before laser hair removal I would get hit with “you gotta pretty lil mustache” 3-4 times a years. They really felt like that was a compliment!!!! And I would want to cry. When my baby girl started getting chin hair in high school we went immediately to the the laser people. No never no uh-uh she will not go thru that!

      • cakes_and_pies

        She’d probably cut you 12 ways to Sunday for looking too long. How many nice ‘stached Black women do you know?

    • cakes_and_pies

      Thank you for giving me a reason to use this .gif

      • Hingle McKringleberry

        This is all kinds of disturbing.

        • cakes_and_pies

          Welp, she has 3 kids. Something is working in her favor

      • brothaskeeper

        I’m mad that this Auntie looks like Ice Cube in drag, ca. 1988…

      • Carlisias

        I think she looks more like Robin Harris.

      • Junegirl627

        Laughing so hard at this I can’t even pretend i’m working.
        TEARS!!! REAL TEARS!!!!

      • kid video

        Aunt Bunny?

    • Robbinesque

      Just as bad? Letting any woman you care about walk out the house wearing the wrong shade of foundation or face powder! Now, if it’s your Granny…you’re gotta determine if you’re willing to go to jail rather than say something. But otherwise – speak the F bomb up!!!

  • Loïc

    #4 reminds of the classic Dave Chapelle bit about being taken to the ghetto:

    https://youtu.be/RNrZmqAB11w?t=29

    • OSHH

      #4 reminds me of riding “dirty” without full disclosure, til you get pulled over.

  • Quirlygirly

    2. Serving no food at events Black people happen to be at

    This is one of the worst especially if it will be more than 2 hours long.. That is some low down mess to do. People starving. One of the worse things you can have is hungry people at an event. You gonna get talked about AND people may leave to go get food. I know I have left events due to hunger.

  • TJ

    3. Thank the Lord I’m Catholic. Fifty-two minutes and you’re out!

    5. This is tricky, because when you want to call out a bad Black hairstyle, you’re shut down for tearing another Black person down. Just this past weekend, Gabby Douglas’ lacefront with the geled down baby hairs was WRONG. Pam Oliver is always WRONG. But I couldn’t say that aloud.

    7. Maybe an exception if the party is hosted by a Greek org or alumni-related and you’re under 35? Lmao.

    8. In addition, asking for an 90% discount from a Black business or entrepreneur because you’re both Black.

    9. Been trying to tip 20% as of late.

    • Glo

      Poor Gabby’s lacefront was actually distracting to me. All I hope is that some kind soul saw her hair, reached out to her, and said, “I’ll take care of your hair for free, girl. “

    • Yes to comments about #5. I mean I know we’re supposed to be all Kumbaya, natural hair is beautiful, love yourself..whatever. But no one told this girl to stop dipping her brush in brown gel and hitting her edges? That head ALWAYS looks unkempt. Of course the performance is what matters most, but I’m just bothered by her hair sometimes. It’s like that white girl whose entire friend base is white so she doesn’t know she can’t wear their hairstyles and get away with it.

      • TJ

        It’s so bothersome. She needs a Black girl consultant or something.

        • Val

          Gabby has been living with White folks since she was a kid so she could train for gymnastics. And I think she was living in a very White town too. I think that may be the problem.

          • Mary Burrell

            Poor Gabby ‘s hair again. Why doesn’t she just get braids?

            • TJ

              Braids would be an awesome option. It’s clear that Gabby has knowledge of weaves, so she knows braids exists. And she’s had exposure outside of her upbringing now. She definitely knows better now.

        • Mary

          Word. You can be good and still look presentable too.

      • Illumina

        I don’t think she cares. She’s doing what she loves, so how her hair looks if the farthest thing from her mind.

        • TJ

          That’s very clear.

        • I don’t see the direct correlation of career satisfaction = hot messation. Plenty of folks enjoy their work but still care about their appearance.

          • Illumina

            Of course. However, most of us aren’t doing floor routines for our check. The most important thing while she’s performing is keeping it out of her face and making sure it’s not a distraction.

            I guess it just doesn’t bother me.

            • On the floor, without a doubt. I’ve just never seen it look any way but that. Folks love to throw around that “but she got more money than you…” nonsense, so I just keep my lil opinions on matters such as these to myself.

              • Shanna

                That’s how I feel about Venus and SerenTa. I know they paid, but sometimes those weaves look like they came outta Beauty Word.

        • Nature

          She is unbothered, as am I. Go Gabby!

        • Dr. She Who Reads

          I think she cares. We all care. I don’t think she has someone to do her hair. She was living with white folks.

          • Illumina

            IMO, Gabby considers nailing her routines > worrying about the styling of her hair. She doesn’t seemed bothered by it, so why should I be? She’s still winning competitions and doing her thing.

    • AshAlly08

      I can’t explain Gabby Douglas… but Pam Oliver doesn’t have friends. There’s no way in the world I’m letting my homegirl go on TV like that for every NBA halftime of the last 100 years. At some point, around game 15… I’m going to take one for our team. Pull Pam aside and say, listen, I love you girl, let’s have a spa day, go get our nails and hair did. And sit in front of Pam as she’s in my stylist’s chair in Detroit or Atlanta or Chicago getting lectured on hair care.

    • Curlsbythe#

      Dominique Dawes never had hair problems and she had to go through elite training as the only black girl. So it’s not the profession (constantly sweating from gymnastics). I don’t know what’s Gabby’s problem….yes I do, it’s her mom. She’s just as much as a culprit in the horrible weave wearing. It’s not the fact that gabby moved to Iowa and lived with white hosts to train.

      • Brass Tacks

        My love of Dominique Dawes knows no end. lol

        • TheCollinB

          Yes. Oh that bubble…

    • FrankiSideEye

      I am constantly wondering who in the hair & makeup department Pam Oliver pissed off. Did she flirt with someone’s husband? Does she park too close to the make-up woman’s parking spot so the poor girl has to squeeze out through the passenger’s side of the car? Does she always eat the last cookie at the staff meeting? There is no reason for anyone to let her go on air like that other than retribution.

    • Shanna

      Honaaayy…she was FLAWLESS and I luh her, but dat lacefront scored a 0.000. I know she caught it during the last Olympics for her real hair, which I had absolutely NO problems with. But dat lacefront……

  • Glo

    I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: we live in the age of Youtube, where anyone and everyone can learn to take care of and style their hair affordably (whether that be your natural hair, wigs, weaves, braids, twists, yarn braids, crochet braids, locs, faux locs, etc). There is absolutely no excuse for your hair to be a hot mess anymore.

    • TJ

      No more excuses.

    • You Ain’t no Guest You Family

      I’ve upped both my wig game and my beat thanks to YouTube. Them chicks be knowin’.

  • that boy going

    12. STOP telling me that so and so can cook .

    Fix it Jesus , I do not eat everybody’s cooking & that’s for this reason above . I will NOT eat food from cookouts unless it is a hot dog . Eff your watery runny potato salad .

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