If you’ve ever taken a look at our origin story, you’ll see that helping people and shit is a huge part of our overall mission. We’re here to help you all help yourselves.
As the resident irreverent motherf*cker, I’m a believer in using words like “irreverent” when describing myself to convince people I’m worth listening to. I also enjoy saying things such as “I don’t disagree with you” and “That’s never not been true.”
I have no idea why I’m bringing any of this up, but I do know that, at times, there’s no better way to help someone than to convince them that what they’re doing is f*cking stupid. In this sense, “10 Dating And Sex-Related Things Never Said By Anyone, Anywhere, Ever” is just me being very altruistic.
“Yeah, I didn’t plan on giving him any, but after seven months of attempting to make me feel bad for not being attracted to him, I eventually got so turned on by his perpetual guilt trips that I finally decided to have sex with him”
“After this fifth time getting caught cheating on her, if she forgives me again and takes me back again, I definitely plan on being faithful to her”
“You know what I love most about her, man? Her strength. Dude,Â when I think about that and her independence it makes my dick hard”
“I wasn’t feeling him at first, but then I saw that Instagram pic of himÂ ice-grilling the camera while rocking an ascot, and I was instantly turned on”
“Let me woman up for a second and tell you something. I’m sorry for doing that. I was wrong. I repeat: I, not you, was wrong. It’s completely my fault, and I take total responsibility for my actions”
“Remember that guy I hit on at the bar a few months ago? You know, that guy I thought was really cute, and I walked up to him, told him how sexy I thought he was, and asked for his number? Well, we’re getting married!”
“Not calling, texting, tweeting, seeing, being seem with, spending time with, and claiming her is my way of showing her that I’m completely into her”
“Girl, there’s nothing sexier than being at a movie with him and feeling him attempt to bang me with his dry-ass, popcorn salt laden fingers”
“Hey fellas, at wing night tonight, instead of sharing stories about all the crazy bitches we’ve been with recently, lets talk about the shit we pulled to exacerbate the crazy”
“Man, this is the best party ever. You know what would make things even better? If my girl was here. She’s the funniest person I know”
That’s it for me today. People of VSB.com, can you think of any other dating, sex, and relationship-related statements never said by anyone, anywhere, ever?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
***If youâ€™re in the DC area today, make sure to come out to â€œMyth or Maybeâ€ â€” a relationship-related discussion hosted by Panama and the homie Rahiel from Urban Cusp***