10 Dating And Sex-Related Things Never Said By Anyone, Anywhere, Ever

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"Babe, before we go out, would you mind ironing again so your creases will be sharper?"

If you’ve ever taken a look at our origin story, you’ll see that helping people and shit is a huge part of our overall mission. We’re here to help you all help yourselves.

As the resident irreverent motherf*cker, I’m a believer in using words like “irreverent” when describing myself to convince people I’m worth listening to. I also enjoy saying things such as “I don’t disagree with you” and “That’s never not been true.”

I have no idea why I’m bringing any of this up, but I do know that, at times, there’s no better way to help someone than to convince them that what they’re doing is f*cking stupid. In this sense, “10 Dating And Sex-Related Things Never Said By Anyone, Anywhere, Ever” is just me being very altruistic.

“Yeah, I didn’t plan on giving him any, but after seven months of attempting to make me feel bad for not being attracted to him, I eventually got so turned on by his perpetual guilt trips that I finally decided to have sex with him”

“After this fifth time getting caught cheating on her, if she forgives me again and takes me back again, I definitely plan on being faithful to her”

“You know what I love most about her, man? Her strength. Dude,  when I think about that and her independence it makes my dick hard”

“I wasn’t feeling him at first, but then I saw that Instagram pic of him  ice-grilling the camera while rocking an ascot, and I was instantly turned on”

“Let me woman up for a second and tell you something. I’m sorry for doing that. I was wrong. I repeat: I, not you, was wrong. It’s completely my fault, and I take total responsibility for my actions”

“Remember that guy I hit on at the bar a few months ago? You know, that guy I thought was really cute, and I walked up to him, told him how sexy I thought he was, and asked for his number? Well, we’re getting married!”

“Not calling, texting, tweeting, seeing, being seem with, spending time with, and claiming her is my way of showing her that I’m completely into her”

“Girl, there’s nothing sexier than being at a movie with him and feeling him attempt to bang me with his dry-ass, popcorn salt laden fingers”

“Hey fellas, at wing night tonight, instead of sharing stories about all the crazy bitches we’ve been with recently, lets talk about the shit we pulled to exacerbate the crazy”

“Man, this is the best party ever. You know what would make things even better? If my girl was here. She’s the funniest person I know”

That’s it for me today. People of VSB.com, can you think of any other dating, sex, and relationship-related statements never said by anyone, anywhere, ever?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

***If you’re in the DC area today, make sure to come out to “Myth or Maybe” — a relationship-related discussion hosted by Panama and the homie Rahiel from Urban Cusp***

770 thoughts on “10 Dating And Sex-Related Things Never Said By Anyone, Anywhere, Ever”

  2. “You know what I love most about her, man? Her strength. Dude, when I think about that and her independence it makes my dick hard”

    You may not hear this but this one is realistic… F*ck that. I could see myself saying this. REAL TALK.

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    • “Girl, there’s nothing sexier than being at a movie with him and feeling him attempt to bang me with his dry-ass, popcorn salt laden fingers”

      Did you mean “finger-bang”?? **cringe**

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      • I do too… I don’t know where men get that mess from. Some women are fine with apologizing… I’d even go as far as to say majority… ehhh then again maybe not, but still there’s prolly like a 60/40 split.

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        • Women, when they call themselves apologizing, will try to just say “well, I think we should just do what you were thinking” or “you were probably right.” It gets worded in such a way that it becomes plausibly deniable at any point.

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          • I understand what you’re saying… but from experience I have and do often apologize… and yes I have boobs. Actually, I believe y’all are too stubborn and too SENSITIVE to even accept when you’re being apologized to, so heyll you probably don’t even know when women are actually telling you sorry. All you hear is “blah blah blah blah” because you still mad. That’s the problem… plus everyone knows men hold on to stuff when it’s long over anyway (apology included).

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        • I don’t worry about other women. If I am wrong, I apologize. There are worse things a woman can find herself in other than apologizing. Like stripping him naked and he has the wrong sized dyuck.

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  4. 1. I think we should go on a diet together.

    2. I’m going out with my friends tonight. You can come if you want.

    3. Shouldn’t you be getting an extra large shirt instead of a small?

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  5. I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong! Do I say it like, “I was wrong. I repeat: I, not you, was wrong. It’s completely my fault, and I take total responsibility for my actions”? No. But I confess to my mistakes.

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    • I would like to talk to your exes. I bet you hear yourself say: “Babe I’m sooo sorry. I was wrong”. but what you REALLY say is: “lets just forget about it and move on”.

      I don’t know you so I’m not accusing you of anything. Thats just the closest I’ve ever heard a female come to saying “I was wrong.”

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        • Oh, stop it TUK… some folks do have the sense to admit they’re wrong. Of course, then the guys usually aren’t mature enough to accept that they are taking responsibility and act all crazy.

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          • Some do, but it’s a rarity for a woman to just flat out admit that she’s wrong. Like, flat out. Usually the few women who do, try to justify it by saying, “Okay, I’m sorry. I know I was wrong, but I wouldn’t have did that if you didn’t do….blah blah.” But I’ve NEVER came across a woman who took FULL responsibility for what happened without trying to have me syphon some of the blame.

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                • Oh, stop it Jay. I admit when I’m wrong and trust.. I have boobs. There are plenty of women that take responsibility for their missteps. But, men seem to hold grudges longer.

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                    • I had to admit I was wrong just on Monday…I am a big girl and can own up to the errors of my ways. Jay and TUK…ya’ll need to meet better women…lol!

                    • @BM: I reacted to something he did prematurely, he didn’t like it (he was so right and I was so wrong), we talked about it and I apologized for my “impatient” reaction….it really was that simple.

                    • @BM: I thought you would be satisfied that I actually admitted that IIIIIIIIIIIII (the woman) was wrong? Don’t you wanna turn me over and spank me just based on that alone….then do the Rocky staircase victory dance? No?

                    • Lol my stepdad trained my brother and me to admit when we’re wrong. I don’t like it but I know it’s the right thing to do so I do it. Let’s face it no one likes to be wrong, but it makes life so much easier if you ca see and understand your mistakes and apologize. He used to make us say you were right and I was wrong. Now it just comes naturally.

                  • Then that’s your indivieual take, but many men have stories about yuor gender counterparts that have never come close to making that move for us, but clearly expect us to do it for t hem.

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              • Oh, I’ve gotten the “I’m sorry for XYZ but you ABC” apology a lot from my wife. Then again, the last time I brought my wife out as a standard, I was told I was being unfair. Moving along…

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              • I thought it was called having a chip on one’s shoulder.

                Sheeyt, I’m going to admit when I am wrong. I’ve gotten the best sex after admitting I was wrong.

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            • That’s because we’re generally reactive by nature. When we do dirt, it’s because we feel genuinely justified.

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              • Notice you used the word “feel” instead of “think”…When it’s 95 degrees outside and someone says they’re cold, we assume that person has a fever. Yet, with women, base on what you’re saying, if they’re cold, it’s because it’s cold outside eff the weather.

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          • Yeah. A few days ago I wholeheartedly admitted that I was wrong, apologized, and was quiet as my bf vented his frustration. He was so angry that idk if he even heard me. I think he wanted me to keep apologizing or try to make it up to him…

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            • Sometimes, as men, we get extra angry when our women do something wrong, because the other times when we point it out, we are ignored or you just don’t even give regard to our feelings at the time. So then when we truly lose it, that’s when we are finally heard…and that hurts. Why do we have to wait for someone to understand you are hurting our feelings?

              I can’t speak for him but perhaps that’s how he might have felt.

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              • Makes total sense to me.

                I don’t like hurting people’s feelings so. I admit I was wrong. I woman up. I have steel ovaries.

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                • When well then teach some female friends a thing or two about how to harden up them ovaries so people can stop worrying about being right all the time. It’s just about being fair, you give me what you want me to give you.

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                    • You sound like an angry dude. I am going to email you a hug. I don’t think the folks who say they apologize are rarities at all. I wasn’t raised to always have to win a discussion (or argument), so apologizing for something isn’t a problem for me. When I apologize, I am sincere about it and respected for it. I don’t do this often because I’m not often offensive to others and I think before I act. Again….not a rare trait in a woman. Get out more.

                    • Delightfully, I am not angry, I am just honest. Maybe you do take responsibility for what you do, but quite a large number of people don’t, no matter the gender. You aint in the right position to tell me to get out more when you don’t know much about my life or experiences. If you and the people you know don’t do those things, good for you, but my life, and the people who’ve shared their stories with me seem to be quite different, meaning this stuff isn’t made up or just a weird coincidence. It means this crap really does go on. I’m not blaming all women, I’m not saying all women are alike, but I do wish some women who let go of the BS and live life the way the feel is right could help show other women who don’t get it the benefits of the lifestyle, the same way I try to share my stories with other men and help them see the light.

        • This NEVER happens. I think after this happens, Jesus will return to the Earth. I always thought it would be after Rutgers made it to a bowl game, but since that came and went in 2005, I think it’s this scenario.

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          • Either that or the Chicago Cubs win the World Series, the Knicks win the NBA Finals, & Maywether actually fights Pacquio. Since none of that shyte is ever going to happen, it is quite clear all men on VSB stand in unison that we won’t ever get a full apology from a woman.

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          • Forget apologizig when I’ve been wrong at times, I’ve apologized even when I wasnt at fault just so that we could move past it… Why win the battle to lose the war?
            I dont understand why the male constituency here seem to think women are not capable of apologizing…

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            • Because sincerely, a lot of men have never recieved true apologies from women. I think, and this is from my experiences, the women in my life have shown me they always expected men to toughen up and accept their craziness but if she was in the wrong, he’d be ok. That’s not true, we want respect the same way a woman would want it.

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            • ” I dont understand why the male constituency here seem to think women are not capable of apologizing…”

              Because they chose women who have a chip on their shoulder.

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              • Maybe you’re onto something. I know whenever I say something that can somehow be spun into “I’m just like her dad”, my wife takes it ALL the way there. Of course, my wife and her father don’t really speak because he chose drugs over her, then got clean a month or so before she went to school…only to fall off the wagon when she moved back home 6 years later. So yeah, there are some chips there.

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        • ive seen this mentioned on VSB so many times and am still confused by it.
          every. single. time.
          you mean to tell me in the history of women, we don’t know how to apologize?
          i wish there was a way to search all my comments on VSB. i’m sure i’ve WRITTEN them more than once. and can attest to having said it.
          if you need references – lemme know.

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          • Well maybe that’s out of context. I guess we are really talking about relationship-based apologies. I guess conversational apologies with strangers is a bit different although you can’t feel sincerity through font.

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          • well i could give you the email address of the ex who wanted to marry me – but.. i broke it off with him – if you wanna drudge up bad memories for the dude…

            it was my first time really breaking up with someone, and i was truly regretful that i couldn’t see it to make it work. it was ALL on ME. he didn’t change one bit. i did say that I was sorry. and meant it.

            still do.

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          • I’m a lover not a fighter so I’m not “most women” or “women” when it comes to our being labeled as never admitting we are wrong. Life is too freaking short. People die. I’ve known cases where a person had an attitude wouldn’t admit they were wrong *cough cough Faith Evans & Biggie* and next breath, person gone.

            Say that shyt. Say it with your chest.

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      • I’m so confuse. So you’ve never been in a relationship where a woman admit she was wrong? I’ve said I’m wrong when I’m wrong heck even when I wasn’t but just wanted to end an argument.

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      • But are male apologies sincere? I’d rather not be apologized to than recieve an insincere apology and many of the men I’ve come across (not saying this is you) only apologize to appease us……So whats the point of apologizing if its fake anyway

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            • The thing with me is that I don’t apologize for what I did unless it was a bonified accident or unintentional. If I meant to do it then apologizing for it is a cop out. My apology would be for the results of those actions (ie, hurt feelings, you feeling some kinda way, etc)

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              • Would you be okay if a man called you a bytch and said “I’m sorry that you were hurt.” ?

                If we mean the hurtful things we say, then we must be okay with the consequences of such actions.

                I’ve seen women and men upset by the new person in their ex’s life who is much kinder.

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                • Honestly, no. I wouldn’t be ok with that. An apology given doesn’t automatically mean an apology accepted. However, I think in this instance, hell, I don’t know how to say what I want to say here, but In my head I’m right, but if I’m wrong, then I right because I admitted I was wrong, right?

                  #confused

                  Ok. He’s calling me a bytch… disrespectful and unacceptable. Besides, if he calls me a bytch, it’s because he meant to call me a bytch or he even if he didn’t mean to say it, he feels that way. What I’m saying is that if I do something that as a result hurts your feelings although it was not my intentions to do so, I will apologize for being the reason you’re feeling some kind of way about the situation. However, I will not apologize what i did/said because I meant it to do/say it.

                  Make sense?

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                  • Everybody goes through this. Point is even if you know you’re right but the other person is upset, you just bite the bullet, because there are no winners. Unless it’s over an issue that the other person is being overzealous about, then f that shyte.

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        • In most cases a man has to apologies even when he’s right and she’ wrong, is it sincere? maybe not, but we man up and swallow that rock so things can be good again. Its in the fine print of every relationship contract.

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          • Both genders do the shitty “I’m sorry if you feel” and “I’m sorry you were hurt” apologies.

            If you can do foul shyt and still keep the person in relationship with you after such an apology, then he/she deserves to be in a relationship with you.

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        • I think anyone does that when they just don’t want noise in their ears and they really don’t see the big deal in what they did. Of course, if you did the exact same thing back to them, they’d demand a sincere apology from you.

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          • Noise in the ears, not seeing the big deal….changes if the person says ” ‘K and leaves the relationship.

            People are staying in relationships unhappy because they really think its their only option for a relationship and that dating and meeting new people is “too hard”.

            Our ancestors dealt with husbands ripped from them, children, walked from Mississippi to Canada in threadbare shoes in the river with dogs….

            WOMAN UP & MAN UP

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              • Yes. Go hard or go home. We go hard in planning our mother’s special day for Mothers Day and her birthday. Or our children’s birthday. We plan a great day with our boys or girls. Why can’t we go just as hard in the relationships we have with others….whether its for sex, love, a love relationship, a marriage?

                People need to stop taking each other for granted. Or someone else will appreciate them and be appreciated by them.

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                • Totally agree. I never really thought about it until my current relationship but it is scary how so many people in relationsihps become lax and take their loved ones for granted. But if you pay attentiion, people do it to their family and friends too, meaning people just expect stuff to happen, and assume nothing will change. That’s how feelings get hurt. That’s how fights start. People need to treat family and loved ones like strangers sometimes and really appreciate what they have.

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            • “meeting new people is “too hard”.”

              Guilty. I didn’t say it was ‘too hard’ but I did say that I just don’t have the energy to put into a relationship… and I feel as if I don’t. There is so much going on with me right now, that just feels like taking on more responsibility that I just can’t handle in my life currently. I guess I will one day, maybe.

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      • Him- I love when you wear that head wrap to bed
        Him- I think its sexy when you leave your hair wrap on during sex
        Him- I’m not really that great at basketball (I know…this not relationship related)
        Him- I love me a wide mid-section. #teambigstomachs
        Him- I like women with a nice proportional ass (ok well white men might say this)
        Her- Im not big boned or thick, Im just fat
        Her- I love broke men
        Her- baby you can go to the strip clubs and hang out with your friends all night
        Both- This is all my fault
        Both- I’m a terrible parent

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          • I admit to being fat all the time… Fat, Plus Sized, Full Figured.. I actually never met an real live lane bryant shopper that says she’s just big boned… I think thats urban legend like the welfare queen & other negative mythical creatures…

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              • Well, yeah. There’s a significant (money/class) difference between your Lane Bryant shopper and your Fashion Bug/Rainbow/Ashley Stewart shopper. I cop to fat. Can you imagine how freakish someone who actually had larger bones would look? #elephantmanish

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            • “I admit to being fat all the time”….do you not understand how fawking sexy that just made you? Every woman I ever seen in my life got an excuse, can’t even joke about the fat. Like it really aint there, but more of a David Copperfield illusion or something

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            • Speak, honey!!! I don’t understand why people can’t just own up to the truth. About themselves and even in reference to myself.

              Them: Girl, you aren’t fat. You’re just chubby. You super thick. That’s just baby fat.
              Me: Honey, I’m 30 years old. That’s just fat, baby.

              It’s cool, though. 133lbs down. 77 more to go. Whoo hoo!!

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              • That’s awesome! I’m making lifestyle choices too before my arse ends up back in the hospital. Me and Bill Clinton’s diet are rocking!

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                • That’s wonderful!!! Best wishes on that. I don’t diet at all. I still eat the foods I like, but I’ve learned healthier ways of cooking them. I’m at the gym 3-4 a week. The other days I pull out a work out dvd. I drink lot and lots of water. Substitute sugar with honey (for beverages and cereal and things of that nature). Haven’t drank a soda pop since 1995. I bake and grill the majority of my meat. And I dance. A lot. Since I prefer music to actual tv, I put my televisions on the music choice channels and dance through the house while cooking, cleaning, talking on the phone, whatever. If you ever call me and I answer out of breath, you know why. lol

                  My birthday is Monday. It will be the first time in 9 months that I will have cake. I’m so excited. lol

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                • I was going to ask if you meant cigars, then I realized you meant his vegan diet he went on before his daughter got married. lol

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        • I don’t care that he has children he doesn’t see nor support, I like fyucking him and telling myself that I am a better woman than his children’s mothers.

          I choose men to have sex with who would make shytty dads, but I don’t believe in abortion or birth control.

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    • Studies show that only 2.4% of all men on the planet have peens bigger than 7.5 inches. Magnums are at least 8.

      P.S. I’m using the first part of this comment as a pick up line from now on. Should work… right?

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  8. This is hilarity (Is that a word..lol)…esp the one about getting turned on by how strong and independent a woman is AND the one about the woman getting married to the guy she approaches first. All I can say is Churrrrch!! (Meeks Mills voice)

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    • I’ve said this one as well. People who know me know that I’m not as hung up on beauty as almost ever other men. Usually the most beautiful women have little to no personality (See: Anyone who’s light skinned *shots fired*!!!!).

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      • Cottam PA…to the corner!!!

        S/N: Did ya’ll see Eric talking bout people who don’t like his song is racist?!?!?

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        • Look everyone- for the first time in two weeks, I have been sent to the corner by Breezy. This is a moment that belongs in the Guiness Book Of World Records!!!!

          Yeah, I saw Eric Benet on that bullsh*t playing the racism card for the people who don’t like the song. I should go up to him and step on his toes- you know he doesn’t like to wear shoes onstage, LMAO!!!

          Reply ↓

      • Word PA! Light skinned women think they walk on water and that I should be willing to give both arms just to say hello. Forget that BS! I can get the same light skin from a White girl with 18.72% of the BS. :)

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