10 Black Men Who Could Use Your Irrational Unconditional Support Instead Of Bill Cosby » VSB

Featured, Lists, Pop Culture

10 Black Men Who Could Use Your Irrational Unconditional Support Instead Of Bill Cosby

Gerardo Mora/Getty Images

 

I feel you, man. I really do. You stayed on the Bill Cosby bandwagon as long as you possibly could — refusing to allow America to lynch an iconic Black man — but the ride just got too bumpy. The wheels flew off, the steering wheel broke, the seat belts got recalled, and the rotors did some rotor shit that the dudes at Pep Boys said was really bad and will cost you $986.54. So now you’re alone, without a bandwagon to ride or an illogical cause to hitch to. But you’re itching to throw all of your support behind someone — anyone — as long as they’re Black and a man and breathing and not with that gay shit. You have your big-ass cup of irrational unconditional support iced tea sitting right next to you, and you’re thirsty as fuck.

Lucky for you, there’s a solution to your thirst. You see, there are dozens upon dozens more Black men who could use the support you were giving to Cosby. Guys going through some tough times who need the edge and encouragement and relationship advice memes a bandwagon could provide them. There are far too many to name. So for the sake of time and space, I’ll just list 10.

1. Rachel Dolezal’s ex-husband

No one in the history of having boys has ever needed a strong group of bros who’ll take him out for drinks and wings and start the conversation/intervention with “Bruh?” more than Kevin Moore, ex-husband of everyone’s favorite post-racial turducken. Seriously, he needs three or four extra boys just to screen his texts and separate the “Bruh?”s from the “Yoooooooooo?”s.

2. Brandon Knight

Brandon Knight is a decent NBA point guard who has averaged 15 and 5 for his career. He’ll never be an all-star, but he could eventually be the 4th or 5th best guy on a really good team. He’s also only 23 years old, and just signed a $70 million deal.

Unfortunately, he will always be known for this…

…and this…

…and all of this…

…which means he likely doesn’t have many diehard fans. So, if you’re looking for a new bandwagon to jump on, go right ahead. You could even choose your own seat.

3. Every 30-something Black actor whose name isn’t “Chadwick Boseman” and wants to eventually star in a Black biopic

These guys definitely need your help. Because the Chadman seems poised to play everyone from Elgin Baylor to Danny Glover for the next 50 years or so, and there’s going to be nothing left for them but Black Netflix and Orkin commercials.

4. The shittiest barber in your barbershop

Sure, he’s not starving. Because he does have customers. But they’re either walk-ins who went to his chair because they walked in the shop all confused looking and he asked if they needed some help, or people who were the walk-ins and have been getting consistently shitty cuts since but are too nice to switch barbers. And he needs your support because everyone else in the shop knows he sucks, and it would be nice to have a nice sized bandwagon to drown out the snickers every time someone sits in his chair.

5. You know when you’re at the club, and a guy goes to dance with a woman, and she turns around and checks him out, and apparently doesn’t like what she sees, and walks away? And then goes and dances with someone else?

It happens to everyone occasionally. Occupational hazard. But the guy who that happens to four times in the same night? That guy needs your help. Because he needs a crew of guys to completely deconstruct him and tell him what he’s doing wrong. Maybe its his (lack of) rhythm. Maybe he approaches too creepily. Maybe he’s a bit too, um, “excited” already. Maybe he smells like bat milk. Either way, he could use a nice sized bandwagon.

6. 88 Keys

The only reason he’s not more popular than he is right now is that he released The Death of Adam six years too late. I’m sure he’s aware of this, and I’m also sure he needs a crew of boys to help him find new pictures of Jidenna to hang in his basement and throw darts at.

7. Michael Steele

michael steele

Forget about his politics. He just needs someone to convince him to chill with the Black Larry David look and go full bald/full goatee. Because he would look much better — and people would take him much more seriously — and it would be nice for him to have a bandwagon for moral support while he makes the transition.

8. Safaree

Because someone needs to make the Safaree Hive happen. You could even call it the Safaswarm. Or something.

9. The guy manning the grill at the next cookout you go to who doesn’t cook the meat all the way through

It’s not his fault, really. He got distracted, there are mosquitoes and shit everywhere, and the fire was too hot so he couldn’t really gauge how long the meat needed to stay on. But no one will care when they bite into their burgers and they’re the color of the Bulls’ away uniforms, and he’ll need a nice bandwagon to keep his spirits up when everyone catches the e coli.

10. Grey Worm

Because The Unsullied are the most overrated entity that has ever existed. They’re supposed to be the fiercest fighters on Earth, and they regularly get ambushed by cats with Scream masks and steak knives. Basically, they leave every grape unbusted in every fruit fight, and no one has ever needed more people than Grey Worm currently does.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Val
  • Jennifer

    Bless your heart.

  • LMNOP

    If you’re old and rape women as a hobby, it seems easy enough to have victimized over 30 people. I would like to see more white rapists going down publicly like Bill Cosby, but it seems unlikely that your stance is going to bring that about.

    • That first sentence is kind of messed up, but accurate. R*ping women as a hobby? Yep…that’s about right.

  • I’m OK with Michael Steele getting support. Despite his politics, he seems like a nice guy. He reminds me of that kid in high school who’s on some weird ish, but yet is somehow cool, friendly and somewhat popular. Plus everyone I know that’s met him (and who was Black) seems to think that once you get past the politics, you could hang with him. And he’s low-key put on every Black Republican that’s gotten some shine in the past 10 years. At least he’s getting people jobs.

    Thank you also for the Brandon Knight “highlight” reel. He seems to stay having the WORST stuff happen to him.

    • Nick Peters

      I would play Kyrie Irving in one on one everyday for a year for 1 million dollars….

      Brandon Knight is goin’ to be alright

      • Homer Alonzo La Rue

        I would even countersign the posters that got made when I fall.

    • Michael Steele just got too comfortable being black and republican, at the same time…GOP ain’t gonna let that ish happen!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oFcgrLDf_I

    • Damon Young

      i also don’t dislike steele.

    • Vanity in Peril

      MS looks like a reject Muppet that Jim Henson sent back to the design team.

    • Michael Steele doesn’t know how to talk to or about Black people. The only Black republican that does is Colin Powell.

      • True.

        Colin Powell has always been his own man, he’s Charles Barkley with an education and discipline. Michael Steele like many other Republicans, has to prove that his party is more important than his race, and because he lacks the capability to do that like a Jesse Lee Peterson, he manages to excel nowhere.

        • JanuaryBabe

          Hehehe! Well said!

      • JanuaryBabe

        Exactly!!!! I would vote for Colin Powell and I can’t even tell you how much I don’t like Republicans!!!!

    • Cleojonz

      Michael Steele has been making a lot more sense in his statements since the GOP sent him packing. It was almost like he woke up a little. He does seem like a generally nice guy.

      Even when he was disagreeing he was always respectful.

      • st george doesnt exist

        exactly. he was an old school type of realistic gop sellout lol. Now they are all human cartoons

    • st george doesnt exist

      knight… psssstt. he dont need to be on this list. 70 mil makes it all feel better plus if it wasnt for bad management and that inflated tv money is he *really* a 70 mil pg. I pay you that better made the end of the allstar bench or something or at least 3rd team all nba. All i know if mike conley when its time to get a new contract i will look hard at this fools ( brandon, brandon jennings, f’ing reggie jackson) making more than me.

  • Well, Jerry Sandusky had the same body count in a shorter period of time (about 15 years). Plus he’s currently doing time. Cosby probably won’t, unless that PA prosecutor finds a way to nail him on perjury, and he get the Al Capone/OJ Simpson sentencing treatment.

  • miss t-lee

    This article. Bless their hearts.

    • Damon Young

      nope

      • miss t-lee

        We’re saying the same thing Champie…lol

        • Damon Young

          nope

          • miss t-lee

            LMAO

  • miss t-lee

    Nah bruh.

  • Uhhm equally unrelated…An interesting documentary on the South and it’s culture, helps explain a lot to me, don’t know how true it is tho

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_G2VOBKXxM

    • cakes_and_pies

      I just watched this whole documentary at work and added a couple movies and books to my queue.

    • miss t-lee

      Is there a Cliff’s Note version?

      • Here you go:

        White folks mad they can’t “Rise Again” and terrorize black folks with America’s full public support.

        • miss t-lee

          oh. I’m good on that.

      • Nah, you want to wait till you have time.

        Lots of gems in there.

  • Scream then, player.

  • What’s a Safaree? What’s a Grey Worm?

    • LadyIbaka

      A Safaree is a man who is a fan girl with no job but benefits courtesy of association. A Safaree also chews gum like Bonquisha.

      • miss t-lee

        And smacks his lips when he talks.

        • LadyIbaka

          Listen…he is sweet as sugarcane, but you ain’t heard that from me.

          • HeyBooHey

            LOL!!! Nope, he said he’s just Jamaican. But I’ve never seen a straight yardi with that much sass in all my West Indian lifetime

            • LadyIbaka

              Lissen….ya’ll can call it sass, I call it skrong cane!

              • HeyBooHey

                The sugary-est of canes

                • LadyIbaka

                  Watched that interview he did with Charlamagne and crew and I was in awe of his Bonquiqui-Esque, gum popping, lip smacking, raise the pinky, raise the eyebrow skills.

                  • HeyBooHey

                    I couldn’t bring myself to watch it, he just seems so butt-hurt about Onika. And she’s so butt-hurt about him. It’s an overdrawn episode of “As the Southside Negros Turn” smh

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Onika doing her, making that change as he made press rounds declaring his love for her that was never acknowledged in public, if ever at all. He was just Draked.

                    • HeyBooHey

                      I swear I don’t buy it. That’s like when you broke up with your HS boo and flaunted your rebound extra hard around the basketball games to make your ex mad. Everybody just gotta sit somewhere

                    • LadyIbaka

                      safaree was in a relationship by himself…This ain’t no rebound. It’s goodbye, not see you next time.

                    • HeyBooHey

                      Someone needs to sit him down and share this tidbit with him while erasing his rap dreams at the samn d*mn time

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Does he really think people will take him seriously as a rapper? He needs to just eat off those Nikki residuals and chill out

                    • HeyBooHey

                      No shade, but he’s a man. Ya’ll have bountiful gobs of pride that will have you making awful decisions but standing in them like Jesus himself gave you the A-ok. Somebody told that young man he could rap so d*mmit, he gon get them bars off and spit that hot-garbage fiyah

                    • miss t-lee

                      Basically.

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Lupita said, “Your dreams are valid”. Albeit the fact his are fantasy…we’ll just let him finish.

            • miss t-lee

              Jamaican dudes smack their lips when they talk?

              • HeyBooHey

                LOL! Never. Not ever. Not the straight ones anyway, which is what I meant

                • miss t-lee

                  Ok, call me crazy…lol
                  I don’t have much experience in knowing Jamaican dudes, so I had to ask the question.

                  • HeyBooHey

                    LOL! Jamaican dudes go out of their way to let you know how straight they are. Even though some of them wear questionable attire and they can move their hips better than I can

          • miss t-lee

            I can believe it.

    • MsSula

      Grey Worm is the head of The Unsullied in the A Song of Fire and Ice saga, also known as Game of Thrones on TV. You’re welcome.

      (can you tell I stan for Grey Worm? :))

      • Thanks for clearing that up, Sula.

        *scratches head*

        • Kema

          And you know Safaree is Nicki’s old boo of many moons right?

          • I did not.

            • Kema

              Yea… They were together like 13 years or something. He’s also credited on many of her songs.

              • Poor guy.

                • Kema

                  Yea… you never know how close your replacement is and sh*t. He’s the one between Meek and Nicki

                  • You always know Jody. Always.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Now I wanna listen to some Johnnie Taylor.

          • Sylqué

            Been wondering since yesterday who everyone was talking about. Just not interested enough to google.

          • tgtaggie

            Why did this ninja let his momma name him after something you can find in spice aisle

      • Kema

        I like him too but I’m confused. If the Unsullied were all castrated at an early age how are they the greatest fighters? Wouldn’t that make them less masculine?

        • Damon Young

          balls don’t make you a great fighter. balls of will do.

          • Kema

            Lol! Sounds good but without the testosterone during puberty and beyond they wouldn’t be as strong.

            • HeyBooHey

              My guess is it’s supposed to be like the guys who take the vow at the Wall, they can’t love or procreate. Takes that away so they devote their lives to being soldiers

              • Kema

                Yea but without that testosterone they wouldn’t develop a lot of muscle mass. Oh and their voices wouldn’t change.

                • HeyBooHey

                  See, you all making biological sense and stuff lol. I never even thought of all that

            • MsSula

              Well in Westeros maybe Testosterone don’t work like here on earth. Loll. Or maybe the Faceless God has a potion that makes them grow stronger despite their castration… I’onknow… Let Grey Worm be great in all his castrated glory. Lollll.

              • Kema

                Ok… I’ll take this explanation. lol!

            • Correct. They are not as strong as normal men but they are far more disciplined soldiers and have less sensitivity to pain because of the drugs they take. They have no moral value other than obedience, since to become an Unsullied you must initially strangle your own puppy and later kill a slave child in front of its mother.

        • QueLoQue

          Their technique and discipline is supposed to make up for their lack of strength, but discipline doesn’t really work when your enemy (the dudes with the Scream masks) is employing guerilla tactics to get you into street fights where your formations are useless. Their most famous victories took place in open spaces where their discipline beat their enemies strength, most notably the Battle of Qohor (you don’t wanna go down that wiki rabbit hole so here’s a link http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Battle_of_Qohor)

      • Tristan

        Im a hater cuz Missandei is bae

        • Cleojonz

          I like her character which means she will die soon enough.

          • StillSuga

            I think everyone is going to die in like a 2nd Doom. There is no such thing as a happy ending on GOT.

            • PhlyyPhree

              None.

          • Tristan

            Ill quit watching….especially cuz it will probably be Dany’s fault

            • Cleojonz

              Oh it absolutely will be Dany’s fault.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. You’re not gonna be happy.

                • Cleojonz

                  Are you one of the book readers that flaunt that flex their knowledge muscles? I have read the whole wikipedia breakdown complete with house banner info so too flaunt this knowledge on occasion. But she is a lesser character so I don’t recall her being mentioned. I’m sure I won’t be happy though.

                  • QueLoQue

                    Well the show has caught up to the books now, and from this point on the two will differ on a lot of the smaller things, though I’m sure we’ll end up with the same resolutions for both mediums. This is great because book readers are in the dark just like us, and have to shut up with all the “that’s not how it happened in the books” nonsense

                    • Cleojonz

                      Because there are still books as yet unwritten right?

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      He’s been writing one since season one.

                    • PhlyyPhree

                      This is all IF he doesn’t die before he can finish writing. Sigh

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      He’ll be alive for some time. I forsee it. Because his death would be waaaaay too ironic. Mainly because someone would write in a book first.

                    • GRRM has plans for at least two more books for a total of seven books in the series but has not ruled out a total of eight or more if he thinks it’s necessary. It was originally supposed to be a trilogy.
                      All he’s said for certain is that he will write until the story is complete.
                      When that is, is anyone’s guess.

                    • QueLoQue

                      Yea there’s supposedly two more books to go. One should be out by the end of this year. But who knows how long it’ll take him to write the last one, with all the consulting he does on the show, plus the short stories and novellas he writes. But he has met with the directors of the show, and explained to him how it will all play out in the end. So think of it as a diamond: both the show and books are at the same point now, there’ll be a bunch deviations from each other through the next season/book, but they’ll both end up at the same points in the end.

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    She’s not dead in the books yet. But the problem is the show has surpassed the books and because they made her character more major on the show than in the books, I’m betting my left testie she gets murked next season, especially if Georgy finally finishes his book before the season begins filming.

        • Epsilonicus

          She got Grey Worm head all screwed up

          • Kema

            I don’t know why. It’s not like they will ever fuck. Yes I’m obsessed with the castration part. lol!

            • Damon Young

              they can still fuck, i think. he still has a wang. just no balls. although i’m not sure if can you get erect with no balls

              • JonSnerw

                Nope. Root and stem dude.

        • MsSula

          Ha ha ha. Throw my man a bone… he actually needs one.

      • Illumina

        Boy, they did make the Unsullied look incompetent. But I wonder if the whole thing is that they are built for efficiency on the battlefield: discipline, formations, and shizz.

        • I think you hit on the point exactly. They are the wrong weapon for what Daenerys is trying to do. I think GRRM was using that storyline in part to comment on the Iraq war and the “white man’s burden”. If you absolutely positively have to kill everyone on a battlefield where the sides are easily identifiable, Unsullied are great to have. But counterinsurgency, police work and street fights aren’t their thing.

    • st george doesnt exist

      i asked the same thing lol. like is this another singer The beyhive hate or something or one of foreign acts that look good but mumble on the mic

    • Brass Tacks

      Safaree=Nicki’s ex boyfriend/alleged ghost writer… Raps like a sloth looks…

More Like This