10 Black Men Who Could Use Your Irrational Unconditional Support Instead Of Bill Cosby
I feel you, man. I really do. You stayed on the Bill Cosby bandwagon as long as you possibly could — refusing to allow America to lynch an iconic Black man — but the ride just got too bumpy. The wheels flew off, the steering wheel broke, the seat belts got recalled, and the rotors did some rotor shit that the dudes at Pep Boys said was really bad and will cost you $986.54. So now you’re alone, without a bandwagon to ride or an illogical cause to hitch to. But you’re itching to throw all of your support behind someone — anyone — as long as they’re Black and a man and breathing and not with that gay shit. You have your big-ass cup of irrational unconditional support iced tea sitting right next to you, and you’re thirsty as fuck.
Lucky for you, there’s a solution to your thirst. You see, there are dozens upon dozens more Black men who could use the support you were giving to Cosby. Guys going through some tough times who need the edge and encouragement and relationship advice memes a bandwagon could provide them. There are far too many to name. So for the sake of time and space, I’ll just list 10.
1. Rachel Dolezal’s ex-husband
No one in the history of having boys has ever needed a strong group of bros who’ll take him out for drinks and wings and start the conversation/intervention with “Bruh?” more than Kevin Moore, ex-husband of everyone’s favorite post-racial turducken. Seriously, he needs three or four extra boys just to screen his texts and separate the “Bruh?”s from the “Yoooooooooo?”s.
2. Brandon Knight
Brandon Knight is a decent NBA point guard who has averaged 15 and 5 for his career. He’ll never be an all-star, but he could eventually be the 4th or 5th best guy on a really good team. He’s also only 23 years old, and just signed a $70 million deal.
Unfortunately, he will always be known for this…
…and all of this…
…which means he likely doesn’t have many diehard fans. So, if you’re looking for a new bandwagon to jump on, go right ahead. You could even choose your own seat.
3. Every 30-something Black actor whose name isn’t “Chadwick Boseman” and wants to eventually star in a Black biopic
These guys definitely need your help. Because the Chadman seems poised to play everyone from Elgin Baylor to Danny Glover for the next 50 years or so, and there’s going to be nothing left for them but Black Netflix and Orkin commercials.
4. The shittiest barber in your barbershop
Sure, he’s not starving. Because he does have customers. But they’re either walk-ins who went to his chair because they walked in the shop all confused looking and he asked if they needed some help, or people who were the walk-ins and have been getting consistently shitty cuts since but are too nice to switch barbers. And he needs your support because everyone else in the shop knows he sucks, and it would be nice to have a nice sized bandwagon to drown out the snickers every time someone sits in his chair.
5. You know when you’re at the club, and a guy goes to dance with a woman, and she turns around and checks him out, and apparently doesn’t like what she sees, and walks away? And then goes and dances with someone else?
It happens to everyone occasionally. Occupational hazard. But the guy who that happens to four times in the same night? That guy needs your help. Because he needs a crew of guys to completely deconstruct him and tell him what he’s doing wrong. Maybe its his (lack of) rhythm. Maybe he approaches too creepily. Maybe he’s a bit too, um, “excited” already. Maybe he smells like bat milk. Either way, he could use a nice sized bandwagon.
6. 88 Keys
The only reason he’s not more popular than he is right now is that he released The Death of Adam six years too late. I’m sure he’s aware of this, and I’m also sure he needs a crew of boys to help him find new pictures of Jidenna to hang in his basement and throw darts at.
7. Michael Steele
Forget about his politics. He just needs someone to convince him to chill with the Black Larry David look and go full bald/full goatee. Because he would look much better — and people would take him much more seriously — and it would be nice for him to have a bandwagon for moral support while he makes the transition.
Because someone needs to make the Safaree Hive happen. You could even call it the Safaswarm. Or something.
9. The guy manning the grill at the next cookout you go to who doesn’t cook the meat all the way through
It’s not his fault, really. He got distracted, there are mosquitoes and shit everywhere, and the fire was too hot so he couldn’t really gauge how long the meat needed to stay on. But no one will care when they bite into their burgers and they’re the color of the Bulls’ away uniforms, and he’ll need a nice bandwagon to keep his spirits up when everyone catches the e coli.
10. Grey Worm
Because The Unsullied are the most overrated entity that has ever existed. They’re supposed to be the fiercest fighters on Earth, and they regularly get ambushed by cats with Scream masks and steak knives. Basically, they leave every grape unbusted in every fruit fight, and no one has ever needed more people than Grey Worm currently does.