10 Black-Ass Mysteries You Always Wanted To Know About But Never Thought To Solve » VSB

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10 Black-Ass Mysteries You Always Wanted To Know About But Never Thought To Solve

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Blackness in America is an all encompassing state and experience that encapsulates a collective history and heritage. With that history and heritage comes a common wisdom, but counter to that common wisdom are mysteries.

Gather ‘round the big wicker chair as we examine and explore some of these Mysteries of Blackness and search for the unanswered questions of negritude. Let us journey together to ask the seemingly impossible questions and, perhaps, unearth the truth.

1. How does Murray’s Hair Care Products stay in business?

It’s a product you only buy once, maybe twice in a lifetime.  I don’t get how they maintain cashflow, meet quarterly goals, maintain share price and all that on a product that most men may only buy once or twice in a lifetime for less than $10?

2. What’s the proper way to prepare Ramen Noodles?

There’s two types of people in this world; the ones who open up a pack of Top Ramen and boil them whole, and the savages who insist on crushing up the noodles first before putting them in the water.

3. Why order Schlitz Malt Liquor if you know the bull is gonna bust through the wall?

You remember the commercials. Dude sidles up to the bar all smooth and shit (or Kool & The Gang dances in), gets ready to order a beer and someone tells him it’s time for The Bull. He agrees, orders the Schlitz Malt Liquor, the floor commences to shakin’ and a bull come barreling into the room.  

If you’re a bar owner, aside from all of the other issues that might arise from serving malt liquor, isn’t the immediate threat raging bovine intruder enough for you to tell your beverage supplier that you’re just gonna pass this time?

4. Where is Egyptian Musk manufactured?

There ain’t no shortage of that shit. The Oil Man in every city, town and hamlet in the world got it.  Who makes it and where and how could anyone stand to live next to a facility that always smells like a high school junior named Kima?

5. What’s the first thing that happens at church?

We all know that church starts at 10:30am and we all know that we don’t show up ‘til ‘bout 10:45-11:00.  So how does a church service actually kick off?  Has anyone actually been physically present when someone got up and said, “Aiight, we churchin’ now.  Assume praise positions.”?

6. Why does your auntie house always smell like that?

You know the smell. It’s like a mix of old fried chicken, kerosene heat, 1977 and Ivory Soap. And then they got the nerve to want to ask you if you want something to eat. Like you could actually stand to chew on food while your nostrils are being assaulted by the aroma of old wet bibles.

7. Where do old Black women buy their candy?

The strawberry ones. Where do they come from?

8. Do people ever catch the holy ghost outside of church?

Is it a condition? Like, once you get touched by the spirit, is it always with you? You’re at home, watching Unsung and then you just break into spontaneous and violent praise and now you gotta call in to work and say “I can’t make it in tomorrow, my ghost is actin’ up again.” Does that happen?

9. Do natural-born Africans ever wear Kente cloth?

I ain’t never seen my relatives rocking it.  

10. What’s the “grace line” on food?

We all know to bow our heads and give thanks for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but at what point is a food item being consumed not worthy of a blessing? Do we stop at meals? Do we include snacks? Are you obligated to bless that bag of Flamin’ Hots with the same faith and fervor you had for that meal from Boston Market? And don’t get me started on leftovers.  

Corey Richardson

Corey Richardson is originally from Newport News, Virginia currently living in Chicago, Illinois with his wife and two daughters. Ad guy at work, Dad guy in life, and whiskey enthusiast, Corey spends his time crafting words, telling bedtime stories, and working hard at becoming the legend he is in his own mind. You can read his paternal musings at FatherlyNoir.com where he chronicles his life doing battle with all of the women with his last name.

  • SouthernBellini
  • Where is the Honeycomb Hideout?

    What happened to Mayor McCheese? He disappeared like a Chicago politician.

  • thutch24

    Does Loretta Devine have asthma? I swear she seems like she’s always short of breath!LMAO

    • Ess Tee

      Leave Auntie Retta alone! Lol

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    • That’s the quintessential mama breathing.

      • PinkRose

        No, thats overweight Mama breathing, folks need to recognize the symptoms of a future heart attack/stroke. Edit this is NOT medical advice.

    • SororSalsa

      Chewing the scenery takes a LOT of energy….give the woman a break.

    • KNeale

      Lmao!!!!

    • Vanity in Peril

      Ffs, I wasn’t ready!

    • PinkRose

      Obstructed breathing is very common with people more than 50 pounds overweight.

  • The strawberry joints is in the dollar store. Very funny post man. Thank you for this.

    If anyone is going to be at Afropunk tomorrow or Sunday wave at me.

    • MissusMaxwell

      Yup. I get my mama’s strawberry candy from there & that nasty a s s hard Christmas candy that she likes too.

    • LadyJay?

      It’s tomorrow? That’s where all you weirdos come out? What time?

      • Noon to 10ish

        • LadyJay?

          What you gon wear?

          • No idea. I’m not really a costume to music concerts type of guy though

            • LadyJay?

              K. Enjoy and get you a good looking afromami, Ghana preferably.

              • I’ll try my best.

      • Mochasister

        Lol!

  • Subi

    People are outchea crushing ramen before cooking????? For why????? That’s not what the sodium gods want for us.

    • Tambra

      People should not be eating ramen.

      • Kas

        Ramen from real Ramen shops is life.

        • LOOK AT THIS GOODNESS

          • Kas

            All this goodness

          • Junegirl627

            nom nom nom
            love pho

          • look at gawd

          • Jennifer

            That runny egg makes me so happy!

      • Question

        Beside the point.

        • Tambra

          Nah that’s the point.

  • As long as durags, brushes and black men are here… THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MURRAY’S.

    We all know Egyptian Musk is hotep speak for 125th in Raheem’s basement.

    Ramen Noodles….I GOT NOTHING. I don’t eat it EVER.

  • Ess Tee

    On the kente tip, I think the younger Africans are wearing. I didn’t see it too much in my family growing up, my sister definitely rocks it. I’ve also bought a couple African print clothing for myself.

    • Guest

      Have u seen the new 5 for $10 dashski they selling at the beauty supply stores? Me and my son call them dashkas!

      • Ess Tee

        LOL! They gon’ disintegrate on a super hot azz day.

    • MsSula

      We actually wear Kente for special occasions that are traditional in nature. I did my traditional wedding fully clothed in real Kente or Kita as we call it; the woven kind. It’s expensive and precious. So we do wear it, just not as every day type of outfit.

      • Ess Tee

        Yeah, that’s what I mean though. I only saw it at weddings, funerals, etc. growing up. I think with the fabrics being more accessible now (you can order from online), you see a lot of the younger(ish lol) set incorporating it into things like business attire.

  • Medium Meech

    I CAME HERE LOOKING FOR 10 ANSWERS AND LEFT WITH 10 QUESTIONS, Corey!

    It’s like I watched one of those episodes of Murray where they save all the lie detector results for the next episode, except there’s no next episode. First Aliya King and Lakyn Marie with the cliff hangers with no next chapter and now you. Guess we’ll get closure at the VSB BBQ when champ reveals why he hates the Nupes…

  • HouseOfBonnets

    I can answer # 7 due to a brief stent in the candy section of the stock room, Wallgreens. They get it from wallgreens. Usually for less than 2 dollars.

  • “Has anyone actually been physically present when someone got up and said, “Aiight, we churchin’ now. Assume praise positions.”?”

    This is a great question as I have NEVER been earlier than 20 min late.

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