Where Our Favorite CP3 Wears a B-Cup

Since we’ve started doing this site, the concept of sleeping with somebody on the first night has come up various times and in various ways.  Even in Monday’s post, the idea that a woman who gives it up on the first night being a ho came up.  I tend to disagree with this sentiment but many men and women alike (though its more women who feel like this) think that a woman who’s tossing the drawz on the floor within 4 hours of the beginning of a date just might be a tad loose.

Being the defining information source that we are here at VSB.com, I figured we may as well discuss what’s really hood about giving it up on the first night.  Does this make you a trollop?  Or merely a woman who knows what she wants out of life?

If a man gives it up on the first night…does anybody even care or should he be saving his special parts for a special lady?!

Special parts is funny.

The most scientific way to determine whether or not giving it up on the first night is a good or bad is to do a simple cost-benefit analysis - pros and cons, if you will.

PROS

1. Duh, you get some on the first night - how can you not respect somebody who gives you what you really want in the first place?  i mean the sole goal of most dating is to hopefully see somebody naked at some point, and voila, you get that front and center.
2. It’s one hell of an icebreaker - Most dates begin with a little bit of awkwardness as a couple attempts to get to know one another.  What better way to research somebody than to, ya know, search someone?  If you can’t find anything else to talk about after you see each other naked, then you only cost yourself one date and you can go on about your lives.  Woohoo for brevity of wackness.
3. Everybody’s happy - Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everybody was just happier in general?  And here we have two people who are generally happier because they let their hormones do all of the work for them.  You can’t beat physiology.  You just can’t.
4. You save money - Do you realize how much money you can save by taking the first date to the boudoir instead of the movies?  What with ticket prices and popcorn going through the roof these days, he/she is probably SAVING you at least 40 bucks, minus the cost of some condoms (safety first people!).  I mean it is a recession and all.  Savings are not to be looked at lightly.
5. Full information - Women will know what they’re working with and whether or not to keep dude employed or fire him on the spot for being under qualified.

CONS

1. They gave it up on the first night - to quote the late great Tupac, “baby I don’t want it if its that easy”.  Though chances are I probably do, I’m still wondering how many other men have run up in you with minimal effort.  I’ll spend the next day wondering if it took the last guy 4 hours and dinner or should I have just pulled out my schlong, put it on your shoulder and said, “you know what to do.”  Could be none; could be 100.  Nobody wants to think about stuff like that.
2. For women, it can be nervewracking - I’m guessing since most women tend to spend a lot of time hoping that the men they went out with are still interested in general, I can only guess that knowing he has little yet to aspire to would send the anxiety to N.A.S.A. like levels.  Will he call?  Does he still like me?  Will he think I’m a tramp?  What woman really wants to spend her time doing that when there is food to cook and dishes to wash.  I kid. I kid.
3. Ain’t had time to get tested - In today’s day and age of disease and infection, sleeping with somebody too quickly poses way too many risks.  Everybody with herpes isn’t riding horses and smiling.   Some people actually hate having STDs.
4. Hard to top - If you do it all on the first date, what is there really to look forward to for the next date?  As far as dude’s concerned, every nights a Blockbuster Night.  I imagine it would suck to be trying to get to know somebody who kept asking about what color panties you had on.

So, what say you?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?  Are there more pros and cons?

What’s the verdict?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

Admin. Note:  For those persons in the DC area or coming to DC for the Inauguration, my club is having The Wonderfull Party hosting by Bobbito Garcia and DJ Spinna on Monday, January 19th.  It’s a dance party featuring nothing but Stevie Wonder music.  It’s honestly the best party I’ve ever been too at my club.  Good vibe, good music, good people and you’d be surprised at how much music Stevie made that could rock a club.  And it’s probably the cheapest party at $30 in advance - most parties are going for the $100-$150 range.  Click here for more information.

I’d like to call NTTAWWT on this whole post.  Thank you in advance.

Yesterday, we helped the fellas figure out means for determining if they were dating a bustdown.

Chi-town stand up.

Well, today, it’s the ladies turn.  For whatever reason, so many women swear they can tell if a man is gay just by looking at him or talking to him, etc.

Many women are wrong.  Sure there are the guys out there who are essentially on fire and i’m not talking Cedar Block Piru either.

But those aren’t the type of men that most women are getting caught up with.  Lots of men out there have a reputation and a lifestyle to protect.  Those are the men I’m speaking of - the fellows who look and act like every other straight man you know.

So today at VSB.com, the most Panamanian of the Jacksons will offer up for you a few helpful tips to help you avoid taking the walk down the Green Mile with a chap who is probably checking out your momma AND daddy.

And this ain’t the list with: He drinks with his pinky out or wears lots of pink.  Nope.  Too easy drill Sargent,  too easy.

We’re looking a little deeper.

Allons-y.

1)  He casually makes references to how attractive popular male actors are.

This is kind of a deductive reasoning thing, so follow me.  Look, I know that any secure ass man can make comments about how another man is put together…pause…and it not have to be gay.  But most of us probably won’t because we don’t want anybody to be questioning our sexuality, gay men included.  And we know that women know this, so in the event that we do make mention, we’re probably going to stumble over our statements in attempts to make sure you realize that we’re not gay.  We’re men; we’re stupid.  Sue us.  With that in mind, any man who despite all of this will continuously reference how attractive they think Morris Chestnut or Will Smith are is probably sending you a signal.

If he tells you that if he were a woman, he’d sleep with Brad Pitt, well, my guess is he’d do it as a man, because he’s already thinking like a woman.

Capiche?

Capiche.

2)  He’s up on all of the latest skin care techniques and body oils and such.

This one might seem a little sketchy but peep game.  Men are masculine.  We like to get clean and smell good…for the ladies (unlike shoes — which we get for other men to envy ).  However, despite most of our efforts in this department, most of our skin care regimens are limited to soap, water, and cologne.  Some men get manicures and pedicures and despite finding it a wee-bit suspect, I won’t call shenanigans there.  But a brotha who knows his different Aveda cleaners (and I’m kind of assuming Aveda is a soap brand) and knows what exactly it means to exfoliate and does it regularly and likes to discuss with you your skin care regimen and he isn’t a dermatologist, well…ya know.  F*ck it, any man who needs more than soap to fully clean and wash himself just might be washing some other brothas back on Tuesdays.

Hey, controversy sells.

3)  If all of his favorite songs are generally by women, for women, and about women (a la Ne-Yo’s catalog), well he’s probably got a wide stance.

If your man gets uber-crunk every time “Single Ladies” or “Closer” by Ne-Yo comes on or even sings any part of a song that specifically references the term “girlfriend” with much vim and vigor, and with more than you, even while riding in the car, then you just might want to be wondering about him.  Hell, if he actually likes all female rappers (most of them actually do suck — most) or if he gets particularly excited about Foxy Brown’s Ill Na Na, well, he’s probably gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

***BONUS***: If he gives a sort of wayward, slightly limpwristed dap AND ISN’T FROM DC.

For some reason, dudes in DC (under 21-natives) generally give some of the GAYEST dap I’ve ever seen in my life.  If you’re in DC, just watch some local youth males dap each other up.  It seems suspect, but that’s just how DC gets down.

Zing!

If he’s from other states or territories (including Puerto Rico, the U.S.V.I., and Guam) though, watch out.

It was written.

So, what else you got?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

Happy New Year good people of VSB.com and welcome to the other side of the holiday season.  ‘Tis the part of the season where federal holidays are aplenty and Black men become presidents of this grand ole land of ours.

For most people, the new year represents a time for personal observation and depression reflection.  This is the time that most of us swear not to fall for the same pitfalls and dumb sh*t traps we landslided into in prior years knowing good and damn well that we’re going to keep making the same mistakes over and over.  It’s what we do.  We’s people.

Despite this human tendency towards redundant f*ckery, I (for one) still believe in this ability to learn and overcome like the good Reverend Doctor.  So it is with great pleasure that I aim to help us all enter the new year in a state of educationed focus.  You see, I believe that not only are children the future, or that if you teach them well you can let them lead the way — I also believe that if you have knowledge, thou shalt share it with the masses.

Each one teach one.

With that in mind, I shall be helping the fellows with a small segment of pride that we all are forced to face at some point or another:  the fact that we just might be dating the neighborhood ho.

Oh John the Rabbit, oh yes.  It’s happened to so many of our peers.  And it could happen to you (don’t worry ladies, I have one for you tomorrow).

So here’s a short list of ways that you can tell whether or not you, as a man, are dating the Trollop International Expressway.

1)  If she knows more men than you do.

Women are notorious for saying that they don’t like to hang with other chicks.  We all know that this makes them EB’s.  However, there’s also another alternative.  Perhaps she’s just ran thru more men than Forrest Gump ran thru states.  I mean sh*t happens and everything, but if she knows a man everywhere she goes, and her name isn’t Cheers, chances are she’s smoked more sausage than Jim Beam.

2)  If she has a few places she ALWAYS tends avoid.

The only time in my life I’ve ever avoided places was when I had somebody I didn’t want to see.  Now imagine a woman who had BEACOUP places she just NEVER wants to go for whatever reason.  My guess?  She’s got jones who’ve boned who she’s probably not trying to let know she’s got a new beau.  Which doesn’t bode well for you bucko since more than likely, she’s just using you as one of many men on her Love Train.  Coincidentally…

3)  She doesn’t find anything wrong with overly lewd acts of pleasure such as, I don’t know, trains.

Any woman who’s on the “well it’s not so bad if…” side of a conversation involving more d*cks than a 1950’s detective movie is clearly not the kind of woman you want to bring home to momma.  Or grandmomma.  Or even your bookie.  If she justifies it, that means she’s tried it.  And if she let 12 hit (at a time), well you should quit (hey, that rhymed!).  Lots of women have Rabbits, but if you find her on youtube with a horse (I refuse to put the “video” of the woman and horse up here), and you come to realize you’re dating her — just go kill yourself.

So as we start off the new year making sure that everybody here is on the right relationship track, what are some other signs that a guy just might be dating Lucy Loosethighs?!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

What’s good people -

We here at Very Smart Brothas (The Champ, Liz, and I) would like to say thank you for all that you do.  Thank you for all that you be.  Thank you for all that you is.

What is “is”?

Exactly.

Anyway, we’re going to take a hiatus until January 5th so that we can do some much needed maintenance and sexxiupedness to the site.  Plus, if you knew what we know, then you’d understand why we do what we do.  Mmhmm.

We hope that you had a Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate) and have a Happy New Year.

See you on the other side of 2009.

We’ll be back like an Austrian governor of California.

-VERY SMART BROTHAS STAFF

you’ve asked for it, and, quite frankly, we’ve needed it for some time.

no, we’re not referring to nicki sunshine’s “treasure box“, but, at long last, a comprehensive glossary of terms we use here on vsb.

from miss-t-lee’s  “throat punch” to “diva dudes”, today’s entry will be nothing but definitions of terms we commonly use here.

also, in the comments, please feel free to list and define any relationship-related colloquialisms you’ve used before.

our goal here is to eventually create, similar to the urban dictionary, an interactive function on the site where visitors can continually submit new and/or revised terms  (moderated by us, of course)

also, since this will be my last entry of the year (…and of my 20’s. yup. the next time you hear from me, i’ll officially be 20 years from aarp. yikes!!), i just wanted to let you all know how much i’ve appreciated your support, and i hope every one has a safe, joyful, and lascivious holiday and new year and sh*t.

diva dude:

an epidemic unique to the black community, the “diva dude” describes the annoying entitled mindset created in certain black men, developed after reading and hearing about the “good black male shortage” that’s supposedly sweeping through the country at a pandemic rate

eb’s (evil b*tches):

this term describes a particular type of toxic woman, who fits at least two of the following criteria:

1. they’ve physically fought another woman over a man

2. they’re not clinically depressed, and they don’t have eclectic teeth, but they never, ever smile.

3. they have ZERO female friends

4. they consistently refer to themselves in the third person, but it’s never tongue-in-cheek.

5.  they’re completely unable to be shamed

chick logic:

the thought process that a majority of women subscribe to that entails neither rational thought, history, or common sense. see also non-sense

light-skinned point(s):

1) the additional attention that fairer skinned light skinned women receive over their darker-skinneded sisters whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all. 2) the assumed increase in attractiveness laid before melanin deficient black women…whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all.

***ok…thats a start. i’ll be making edits to this list as we come up with more definitions and sh*t.***

***10:30AM EDIT***

2520:

first used on vsb by sista t, we think this term originally derived from harold clemens blog, ghettouprising. anywhoo, “2520″ is a code for refering to caucasians and sh*t. if said aloud, 25th (w) and 20th (t) letters of the alphabet “y”-”t” sound almost exactly like “white”.

“need more people” (definition contributed by naturally alise):

this line is derived from the poet laureate of my mp3 player, Jay-Z in “Takeover” regarding Mobb Deep
Then you dropped “Shook Ones,” switch your demeanor
Well - we don’t believe you, you need more people

So basically it means you need some witnesses, some DNA, or something for anyone to believe your story….

vsb glitter (definition contributed by pbg):

sparkly love for any VSB newbies.

”shaking the ranch” or “stirring mac and cheese” (contributed by tzerai)

originally from the champ’s now defunct d.theroyalyoungs.com, these terms refer to the sounds of good sex.

(from miss-t-lee)

flatbackers:

women without booty

footer:

a man with a giant wang

“the throat punch”

a proper figurative or literal response to utter foolishness

(from monk)

sunshine (noun) or sunshined (verb):

derived from Lela Rochon’s character, Sunshine, in “Harlem Nights” where the lovin’ is so good, it’ll make a man call his wife and tell her he’s never coming home. This term is not gender specific so anyone can be sunshined.

(from noted vsb historian wudaman)

“t-shirt”

whenever a comment on vsb has such sagacity that it comes across like a slogan, its deemed “t-shirt” worthy

(from jarrod halsey)

blockamore:

a woman who is only attractive from a block or more.

—the champ

***in june, the champ blessed the people of vsb.com with his in-depth look at the opposite sex altering goggles, the deadly accessory known to turn demons to dimes and a-holes to adonises. today, the champ has decided to add a couple more goggles to your lexicons, doing his best to help people and fight crime. enjoy and sh*t***

BEER GOGGLES

the phrase that started it all, it describes the phenomenon that occurs when you’re drunk and horny and every scalawag you noticed at the bar when you were sober all of a sudden becomes your own personal dulcinea, waiting to be plucked away and placed on your quixoteesque steed. their attractiveness also goes up exponentially in direct correlation with the amount of time left before the bar or club closes, and the amount of “success” you had that night. in equation form,

V (number of drinks you’ve had that night)

divided by

X (number of hours left before the bar closes) * Y (number of phone number’s you’ve received that night) +1

equals

Z (the thickness of the goggles)

going by this formula, if you’ve had 5 drinks, and there was 1 hour left before closing, and you had only received 1 phone number so far that night, your goggle thickness would be 2.5, a high level, but still a bit under the dangerous 4. people at 4 and above are at the point to where they’ll approach and take/go home with people who they probably wouldn’t even sit next to on a bus if they were sober. this is where people hump and give lapdances to empty barstools

the effect of Beer Goggles also depends greatly on your friends, or, more specifically, which type of friends they are. in this case, they come in three categories

A) good wingmen and women who’ll see that you’re wearing thick Beer Goggles, and will do everything in their power to thwart you and your drunken advances

B) good wingmen and women who’ll see that you’re wearing thick Beer Goggles, and will do everything in their power to encourage you, knowing that it will make for a spectacular future story, as well as potential leverage. (“okay man. You win. I’ll let you borrow the flatscreen for the fight as long as you don’t tell anybody about last saturday night”)

C) they’re too drunk themselves to even notice

Beer Goggle plusses: other than the possibility of easy sex with a possible vagrant…none. unless, of course, you love being the butt of jokes and making frequent trips to the free clinic

Beer Goggle minuses: pretty much every worst-case sexual scenario you can imagine becomes a possibility.

Verdict: basically, if you’re caught wearing these repeatedly… you need to either stop drinking, or find some better friends.

INTERNET GOGGLES

those who have had the misfourtune of wearing these know that they’re probably the most potent form of goggle yet. an uber goggle. an anthrax goggle. it occurs when you’ve been corresponding through blogs, email, chat, or Instant Messenger with someone you’ve never met in person. sometimes these conversations can last hours into the night, creating this tired haze, which gives you unusual stamina as well as unusual freedom with the tongue and spirit. the tiredness, combined with the lateness and the fact that you’re probably wearing your bed clothes, gives the conversation a certain erotic nature, which sometimes eventually leads to caught feelings, phone sex, and, in extreme cases, proclamations of love

Instant Messenger/Email/Chat Goggle Plusses: there’s a chance that these are real feelings and not the product of a goggle induced tired proclamation and/or act. you could be kindred spirits, soulmates separated by a monitor and hundreds of miles, but…

Instant Messenger/Email/Chat Goggle Minuses:…more than likely, you just need to take your horny ass to bed. being tired can be as much as an intoxicant as jack daniels, and being up late vibing with a like-minded member of the opposite sex can be as much as an aphrodisiac as eringoes or Halle Berry. plus, you don’t want to run the risk of saying or doing something inappropriate and basically ruining a decent friendship

Verdict: again, being tired can be just as bad as being drunk. and, again, if you feel like the goggles are getting pretty thick, then its probably time to take your ass to bed. If these feelings and inclinations are real, they’ll be just as real at 2pm the next day. plus, phone sex is just that…phone sex. i’ve heard that there’s no worse feeling than doing the post-coitus clean-up by yourself, while subsequently hoping that the person on the other end isn’t streaming all of this live on their audioblog.

am i missing any? people of vsb, what goggles should be added to the list?

—the champ

***whether its dating advice, wisdom, levity, or orgasms, we at verysmartbrothas.com will provide any service necessary to keep the peace and help to create a happier populace. with this, as well as the unstable economy in mind, we realize that luvvie and ms. sula can’t be prostitutes forever so we’ve decided to alert you to relevant job postings as well.

here’s one i found on craigslist this weekend.***

wanted:

black marriage public relations specialist

job description:

smartbroinc, a newly developed and uncommonly sexxy non-profit is searching for an extremely skillful pr person to lead their “marriage and sh*t is a good thing…really. no, seriously. no bullsh*t. word is bond” urban campaign, an attempt to reverse the increasingly negative and pessimistic sentiment held towards marriage and monogamy in the black community

job duties:

**successfully convince the 7 to 35 year old black population that marriage is a viable, positive, relevant, and essential institution.

**create and communicate detailed analysis of pro-marriage factual data, including (but not limited to) information about how married people and children generated by married couples are generally happier, healthier, wealthier, and less likely to stab your sister in the forehead with a kitchen knife because of a man than the general populace

**effectively explain exactly why the overwhelming prevalence of single-parent families, not racism, poverty, lack of quality education, gentrification, or kim kardashian is the single most pressing issue facing the black community today.

**find, synthesize, and communicate historical data that shows how successful marriages, and the dual incomes potentially generated by each household, have been a key ingredient in the ascension of every prominent racial and cultural community on earth in the past half dozen or so centuries.

**if questioned and challenged on the importance and/or historical relevancy of marriage, be equipped to explain each of the following points of information:

1.  throughout history, slave-traders and slave-masters intentionally separated married couples because they understood that this was the most vital step when attempting to completely breakdown a community

2.  up until 900 or so years ago, catholic priests were allowed to marry and have children. the vatican eventually disallowed this practice, though, when realizing that their vast wealth would eventually dwindle when the money and properties amassed by individual priests were passed on to their wives and children. even then, powerful and intelligent people knew that the best way for people to get and stay wealthy was through marriage.

**successfully debunk young blacks who use the 50 percent marriage failure rate as their sole argument against marriage by pointing out its inherent faultiness. (possible retort: “well, if you believe so strongly in statistics, why did you even bother going to college if only 23 percent of us have college degrees?.”)

**successfully debunk young blacks who use the laughably faulty and inane “monogamy is unnatural. no other animals practice it” argument as their case against marriage, by showing how truly idiotic it is to compare a rational and reasoning human being with a cheetah or chipmunk

if interested, please contact the champ at contact@verysmartbrothas.com.

hmmm. sounds interesting. any takers?

—the champ