I Motherf*cking Hate PETA by Panama Jackson

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To PETA, dogs and slaves? Same sh*t.

There are few organizations that I detest more than PETA. For the short bus crowd visiting with us today, PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Now, I’m an animal lover through and through. I like cats and dogs. One of my dogs is actually on my credit card. Yes, you read that properly. My dog is on my credit card.

My mother has geese, the most annoying denizens of the bird world. No Amber Rose. Well, yes Amber Rose, but in this context, no Amber Rose. Real birds. Taylor Gang.

Moving on. Despite my love for animals I recognize one very real truth: animals are not people and do not trump the rights of people. That isn’t to say that I think people should be able to treat animals any type of way. Animals are much like children, especially domesticated ones: defenseless and ultimately looking to humans for food and protection. To that end, I make it a point to always treat animals with the highest of respect. Dipset, b*tch…nahmean? But PETA? Them bastards take stuff too far.

Especially when it comes to the ways in which they choose to get their point across. PETA has this stupid f*cking uncanny ability to equate the plight of animals with the plight of slaves. Yes. PETA thinks that animals and slaves are basically the same sh*t. I remember seven years ago (I wrote an article about it back then…egads I’ve been writing for a long time) when PETA created a display where they hung up pictures of cows and animals who were about to be made into bacon and steak next to pictures of lynched Black people as a way of equating the treatment of animals to a system of Jim Crow and intense racism.

Needless to say, Black folks were upset. Everybody except Cam’ron who I’m fairly sure is and/or was PETA’s public enemy number one after his line about his closet looking like a pet cemetery on the song “Down & Out”. Great song by the way. Oh and why wouldn’t Cam’ron care? Because his computers were to busy ‘putin’ for him to notice.

Hmm…not to be all extra tangentially Black here but is that the first time that a word was abbreviated in such a way that it warranted an apostrophe at the beginning AND end of it? Without it being a kids name? From the hood? Seriously, would you be surprised if you met a kid named ‘Putin’…and those weren’t quotes? After meeting a chick named N”D’Biane at my cousin’s graduation a few years back, I realized anything is possible. Zone 4 stand up.

I’ve lost my point.

Ah yes, the latest in the line of PETA f*ckery and nincompoopery was the motherf*cking LAWSUIT that they filed on behalf of FIVE orca whales who they felt were being held as slaves by Sea World.

Please. Read that again. I’ll wait.

*humming “Down and Out” by Cam’ron*

Luckily the lawsuit was tossed out by a judge who obviously has common sense but was forced to ACTUALLY decide on this case. But the fact that PETA was going to try to run a motherf*cking Thirteenth Amendment okeydoke on the American people on behalf of five whales who didn’t ASK for the lawsuit is beyond me. But there goes PETA again, lumping animal rights into the civil rights debate. The Thirteenth Amendment outlawed slavery OF MOTHERF*CKING PEOPLE and these fools are trying to use it to basically free Willy??????

U.S. District Judge Jeffrey Miller stopped the case from proceeding two days after he became the first judge in U.S. history to listen to arguments in court over the possibility of granting constitutional rights for members of an animal species.

“As `slavery’ and `involuntary servitude’ are uniquely human activities, as those terms have been historically and contemporaneously applied, there is simply no basis to construe the Thirteenth Amendment as applying to non-humans,” Miller wrote in his ruling.

 

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals filed the lawsuit in October and named five whales as plaintiffs. PETA says the wild-captured orcas are enslaved by SeaWorld because they are held in concrete tanks against their will and forced to perform in shows at its parks in San Diego and Orlando, Fla.

Again, I motherf*cking hate PETA. Who needs the KKK when you have PETA trivializing the entire struggle of African-Americans in this country by equating the rights of ferrets with the rights of people who were killed because of the color of their skin. Which is why I got SO much pleasure out of the skewering the The Daily Show with Jon Stewart did. Wyatt Cenac, I salute you.
Peep the video below. It’s beautiful. And it’s Friday. F*ck PETA.
What do you think about PETA’s campaigns? Do you also hate love like they do? If so, Michael Vick deez.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. F*CKPETA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
Also, don’t forget about the VSB/Urban Cusp discussion on Black Identity & Culture in Mass Media panel coming up on Wednesday, February 22, 2012 from 6-8PM at the Washington Post Buildling. It’s going to be a dope conversation, I promise. Plus you can hang with Panama Jackson and throw things at people. It’s free and food will be provided. Not like half chickens or nothing, but finger foods and whatnot. See you there. Peep the flyer below.

The Gangsta’s Guide To Watching Chick Flicks

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Make her colored and we're in business.

I saw The Vow. It was a lot like seeing the signs, except Ace of Base left me and all I got was Swedish meatballs.

*rimshot*

How and why I ended up sawing The Vow is unimportant, just know that I did and I may never forgive myself. Any movie being billed as the 2012 version of The Notebook is already starting in the lower rungs of hell so it was no easy convincing to get me to go. But I went, I saw, I conquered. We are Sparta and all that jazz. And it turns out that it wasn’t a bad movie. Overyly sappy? (America) F*ck yeah. But that’s to be expected. But it had some very real moments too; moments that I could totally relate to. And ironically the very thing I HATED about another romantic comedy (The Vow is not a comedy) is the very thing I appreciated about this one. Eh, go figure.

But that’s neither here nor there. While I was sitting in the movie theater waiting for the movie to start I noticed a cadre of men being dragged by various women and all of them looked uncomfortable…as did I. See, no man wants to see this movie. Well, most men don’t want to see it anyway. But see it they did because somebody of the boob either forced them, won a date via a bet, or lied and said they were going to see Safe House and pulled the ole switcheroo.

Look, any man will tell you and we all know that watching chick flicks is just the price of doing business. You start dating a woman and at some point you will be required to sit and watch some sh*t you’d always hoped you’d never watch. Like the entire lineup of Bravo. Or WEtv. Or anything on Lifetime. And I do mean anything on that network.

Moving on.

Here’s the funny sh*t about men and chick flicks: we don’t hate them as much as we claim. We just hate the ones that try to manipulate our feelings and draw out emotions and sh*t in crowded, public places. That? Is not cool. That’s how ninjas get robbed. And that is not gangsta. We have to protect our women after watching some movie that drew tears that other people may have seen? Maaaaan, listen. That’s not gully son. Men cry in prison and in the dark. That’s the real spit.

So I’ve compiled a quick primer for men out there on how to watch a chick flick and maintain your gangsta.

1. If you feel emotions rising up in you, kick the chair in front of you…or go to the bathroom

The only thing really ungangsta about chick flicks is that they make us feel chicky. Or what we presume is chicky. So the best way to undo that drama is to start beef with somebody in the theater…by kicking their seat. This works especially well at a Black theater because you know ninjas are ALWAYS down to squab. Excusing yourself is the more sane and educated route, but nobody loses there. And for ninjadom to prosper, somebody has to stay losing.

2. Laugh at inappropriate times

I remember a looooong time ago in college, me and a group of friends went to see Why Do Fools Fall In Love?, ya know, the movie about the life of Frankie Lymon. Well there’s a scene where Frankie ODs and two chicks I was with BUSTED out laughing. It was then I realized what wusses they were. They were laughing to attempt to mask the fact that they were truly saddened. So as a real G, that’s the way to go.

3. Pretend that you really aren’t getting caught up in the movie

Face it, these movies are meant to get you caught up. At first your not really tuned in until you look down and realize that an hour has passed and you’re totally engrossed in the life of this skinny white chick on screen who just wants some love. That’s all she wants. And your girl just wants you to love it to…which brings us to the ironic next point…

4…pretend you love it

Huh? Explain that Panama.

Will do.

Peace at home my friend. See, if you mock the chick flick, your girl will claim you have no heart, which is probably true…and she dated you anyway. However, acting like you LOVE the movie gets you all types of sensitive man points and since many women believe that if they like a movie it must be a good movie, then your girl will think that you have good taste in movies so when you attempt to throw on that pr0n entitled, “Staying Down Under” she’ll look forward to your movie selection. Or not. Or at least not after that.

Those are 4 ways to enjoy chick flicks if you’re a guy. Fellas, do you have any other tips for watching chick flicks? And ladies here are two questions for you: 1) why do you all want us to like these movies KNOWING that they’re not meant for us know they even exist? and 2) Do the men in your lives seem to like these movies way more than they let on? My mind is telling meeeeeeee…yes.

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. VOW DOWN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

FOR ALL THE DC PEEPS: Come out for a Black History Month panel discussion entitled “Black Identity & Color in Mass Media” hosted by Very Smart Brothas and Urban Cusp on Wednesday, February 22nd, from 6-8pm at The Washington Post (1150 15th Street, NW). The panel will be moderated by Panama Jackson and Rahiel Tesfamariam (Urban Cusp). It should be a great discussion featuring an interesting mix of panelists. It’s FREE and light refreshments will be served for your culinary pleasure. Peep the flyer below.

Fight Ignorance…With Ignorance?

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I know this may come as a surprise to you, but ignorance is my favorite sport. I’m not sure how, when, or why it became so, but there’s a distinct possibility that this doesn’t make my mother proud. So when videos like this one from comedian Dave Ackerman entitled, “What do you know about Black History?” come across my inbox, I’m enthralled.

For those who can’t see the video, Ackerman dresses up in Blackface and dons Utah Jazz apparel and heads to Brigham Young University to ask white people what they know about Black History Month and Black people in general. Shenanigans ensue. Obviously the answer is not much. Even the Black people at BYU didn’t seem to know when Black History Month even was.

And the capper? He asked people if they know a Black person when they saw one, hoping that somebody would point out that he was indeed a white guy with makeup on. According to him, only 3 people made the revelation. Even the Black people he showed on camera didn’t notice. Or care. I can’t determine which one it is.

Obviously a perusal through the YouTube comments indicates that some people were offended all around by Ackerman’s audacity AND the fact that these white people in Utah had very little clue about Black History. The most telling part of the video to me was when he asked people to give their impressions of Black people and without fail, they all did…happily. And with reckless aplomb.

And you know what? They looked like my idea of what white people in Utah giving their impressions of Black people would look like. By the way the fact that a white chick actually said that Black History Month is the month that Black history started is beyond hilarious to me. Again, I enjoy and appreciate ignorance.

Ackerman’s point seemed to have been to expose how little white people at BYU know about Black people. Which might not be fair. I mean, its motherf*cking Utah. Except it is fair because we’re in motherf*cking America. But then again, it is entirely possible to live your entire life in places of this country without EVER coming into contact with a Black person without the Internet or television.

Now, these people are ignorant. Not ignant. And they are on a college campus, which speaks volumes, except it doesn’t because formal education has sh*t to do with social interaction education and exposure. Granted, if I was white, I probably wouldn’t spend much time thinking about race or Black people, especially if I lived in Utah. I’m sure there’s no reason to celebrate Black History Month there (I have no idea if they do or not). Everybody knows Martin Luther King, Jr because we all get a day off now.

But just when you think white people are a total disappointment in race relations, they do surprise you by getting some things. When the girls were asked if they’d rather date a Black guy who acted white or a white guy who acted Black, they all unanimously thought a white guy acting Black was ridiculous and stupid.

Yet, because white people do like to make sure our fistpump moments dont last too long, one of the girls stated that a Black guy acting white is classy. Wompington Whathafuckness, III. Oh, well.

The thing I took from the video, aside from the laughs I got, was the amazement at just HOW little white people know about Black people. I mean, not knowing when Black History Month is? That sh*t cray. I suppose its good that they all got in the right half of the year but still, that’s befuddling.

By the way, the fact that this comedian was in Black face doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I get it. If the ultimate goal is to truly test how ignorant some white people are, being a white guy made up as a white guy and going completely unnoticed despite the fact that he looks like a white guy made up as a Black guy, is the best way to prove that point.

So here’s my question: are videos like this necessary? Do they achieve any goal? Is there any greater good derived from something like this? If we all assume that most white people couldn’t give a flying f*ck about Blackness, and all this does is verify that, then was any progress made?

Further, was anybody surprised by how little these white (and few Black people) were unaware about anything pertaining to Blackness? What say you?

Because while I was amused, I wasn’t surprised. Nor did I care that much. La di da.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WHITEFACE BLACK GUY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

****For those in the DC area, Very Smart Brothas and Urban Cusp are teaming up to bring you a conversation entitled “Black Images and Culture in Mainstream Media” on February 22, 2012, from 6-8PM at the Washington Post building. There will feature a live panel discussion featuring very accomplished local artists, personalites, and media figures and light refreshments will be served. Be on the lookout for more information very shortly.****

My Daughter, My Valentine.

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A few weeks ago, somebody asked me what the best part about being a pappy was. My response was that the best part had something to do with having a built in best friend and a pal who was just genuinely happy to be doing anything with you. If you want to throw rocks at old people walking along the street, your kid will be all.about.that.

But kids add all types of fun dimensions to your life. For instance, I could go see

This picture made me want Skittles. What? Happy Valentine's Day muda skunts.

Beauty & The Beast with daughter in tow and NOBODY would think there was anything odd or wrong with that. Nevermind the fact that I wanted to go see it. Kids are the best out ever.

Alllllllllllllways. No Atlantic Starr.

Well, another great facet is that you have a built in Valentine. See, I’m aware that Valentine’s Day sucks for a lot of people. And by people, I mean women. Very few men could give a flying f*ck about Valentine’s Day. In fact, as a man, the main reason the majority of us do anything for our women on Valentine’s Day is because she’s so looking forward to…us doing something for her. If men didn’t have to go out and buy random odds and ends just because some random ass person came up with this random day eons ago then we wouldn’t.

Interestingly enough, Valentine’s Day is the only day per year where even the most thugged out of individual can walk down the street with a balloon that says “Sweety Pie” and a wrapped up dozen roses without anybody judging or questioning if he’ll murder them. It’s also the one day where you’ve got t put the thug back on the shelf because its really hard to look intimidating in the checkout line at Giant with a box of chocolates and a lily. And homeboy, buy more than one next year.

Back to my daughter. Having a daughter is about as sweet as it gets come days like Valentine’s Day. See, having a little girl brings out a certain sensitivity in most men. Your daughter is the woman in your life that you want to be happy at all times. So even if you don’t get into Valentine’s Day, somehow, someway, you still want to do something nice for your daughter JUST so she’ll always know that her father remembered days likes Valentine’s Day so that when the man she ultimately chooses to deal with in the future DOES forget, she realizes that she can do better like Drake singing an Adele song written by Babyface and Marques Houston.

The fact that I have a built in Valentine every year is one of those things that genuinely puts a smile on my face. Will she remember the random balloon two years from now? Nope. Will I remember the smile she had because she’s still young enough to get insane amounts of joy out of a balloon? Absolutely. And it’s worth it every time. Being a parent is obviously no walk in the park, though it’s one of the most rewarding jobs on the planet. But making days like Valentine’s Day matter because there’s a little princess in the picture? Well, that’s what makes life worth living.

Besides, my daughter will actually be completely content with a balloon, one flower, and a stuffed animal. How many women would be okay with that? More than I think, probably. But I’ll be willing to be all of your lunch money that most men think that they do a better job at Valentine’s Day than we really do. It’s just another reason why women are in the “Who Sucks The Least” race in Black America because I saw all of your/their boyfriends in line tonight while I was getting some Crisco. Your gifts are about to suck ladies.

I promise.

But not to my daughter. Not to my favorite person on the planet. And not to my numero uno Valentine for life.

Was this a sappy post? Perhaps. Was it honest. Absolutely. And you can’t whip my a** anyway.

Happy Valentine’s Day to those who don’t hate the day. Happy 14th to those who do. Every day is the 14th.

What’s your Valentine’s Day looking like? Do you like Valentine’s Day? Hate it? Do you refuse to celebrate it? Why or why not?

And fellas…if you have to go see The Vow, it’s okay. You’ve got a friend in me.

Love 40.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. SHUGGIE VALENTINO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

And I Will Always Love Whitney.

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August 9, 1963 - February 11, 2012. Gone too soon.

Whitney Houston is gone.

I don’t even know how else to start this off. The news that Whitney Houston died at the young age of 48 (!!!!!!) caught me so off guard that when the first person called to tell me, I responded so non-chalantly that I caught myself by surprise. I was just like, “that’s sad.”

It wasn’t because it didn’t matter. It’s because it just didn’t seem real at all. Not Whitney. Micheal? Yeah. We were all saddened and moved but it wasn’t a total surprise to anybody. Whitney was also on some sort of that stuff – and quite famously – and yet it just didn’t seem like she’d pass…so soon (again…48!!!!). We still don’t know what happened but no illegal drugs were found in the room and there were no signs of foul play. It was just…her time.

(Early reports suggest that she may have drowned. That is tragic beyond belief if its true. EDIT: 10AM – Turns out she didn’t drown, but a lethal mix of prescription drugs and alcohol might have killed her long before she had time to drown. There wasn’t enough water in her lungs to suggest she drowned.)

And that’s hard to deal with. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I have no power of when my time on this planet will end. It’s bigger than I am. But the death of larger than life people like Whitney Houston still seems surreal and doesn’t make sense to me. I always felt like she had another comeback in her. Her voice, while not what it used to be, was still leagues better than 98 percent of the population.

That voice. My God. There have been a few people who I’ve felt were given a truly God given gift and Whitney was one of them. Her voice was so strong, so pure, and so beautiful that her heyday was nearly 25 years ago and we are STILL attached to those very songs. Just like Michael. While nobody will ever touch what Michael Jackson did, Whitney was as pretty high up on the short of list of individuals who held that type of superstardom purely for their talents.

I’m a grown ass man and I still sing along to “I’m Every Woman”. And who HASN’T screwed up “Greatest Love of All” at karaoke or in their car. And think, that song is immortal ANYWAY because of Coming To America. And yes, “How Will I Know” if he really loves me. I don’t know…So many songs. So many great moments. And no, my name is not Susan, which could be why people never watch what they say. I really think I could write an entire post based on her songs.

I think, much like Michael, the true test of what Whitney Houston meant to America, and particularly Black America is how much of our experiences she’s tied to. If you grew up in the 80s then Whitney was absolutely apart of your life. I remember the long ass road trips with my Black man from Alabama ass father blasting the I’m Your Baby Tonight album. My father used to ask my mother to put Whitney Houston (and later Mariah Carey) under the Christmas tree for him every year. Every. Year. My daddy wasn’t sh*t.

And don’t even get me started on the Waiting To Exhale soundtrack. I still bump that (real talk). There’s an odd connection we all feel in the Black community (and maybe white artists do too) to our artists, especially the larger than life ones. Maybe it’s because music is the one escape most of us have in a life filled with so much struggle. Artists like Whitney blew the lid off what we could achieve and what was expected and even though she sang pop music, she sang it in a way that wasn’t selling out. You can’t fake a voice like that and there’s no way to sell out with an instrument like that.

Whitney Houston was family. Hell, she still is family. She’s so much family that many of us are ACTUALLY really concerned about Bobbi Kristina…and Bobby Brown. And I’m not even sure Whitney liked him anymore. But this is what happens when family passes. And there’s a certain sadness that will persist for a while. She was an icon. She was a legend. And its hard to believe that she’s gone. But she’s one of those that will live forever. She has no choice. She made too much of an impact while she was here. There are very few artists today who aren’t influenced by her.

Plus, she has one of the most iconic “big leagues” of all time in her remake of “I Will Always Love You”. It’s a perfect rendition. With a perfect voice.

And yes, the Whitney tribute was short. And yes, we all wanted more. Did Whitney get shortchanged? Possibly.

But that’s second to the fact that the voice is gone.

I’m all over the place here, so I’ll just end this here:

Whitney, I wish to you joy, and happiness…but above all this, I wish you love.

We love you. And miss you. RIP.

-VSB P