Where Our Favorite CP3 Wears a B-Cup

“it’s not you, it’s me”

the perfunctory “nice” way to break up with someone, these five words have become the king of all relationship euphemisms, a quick and easy way of masking anything from “i tried, i really, really did, but i just couldn’t get past that bite-sized pretzel stick you’re packing down there” to “i’ve seen your family pictures, and theres no way in hell i’m gonna potentially mix my sperm with your wretched gene pool“.

yes, i’m aware that there are times that “its not you, its me” really means exactly what it says. shit, i’ve actually said that to someone, and i actually was telling the truth, lol. regardless of the reasoning behind it, though, the person who’s being broken up with usually feels as if it is them, and nothing thats said or done can convince them otherwise.

thing is, although we claim to despise this cliche, are we really ready for the alternative? are we really prepared to hear the truth, or would you rather assume what that “truth” might be? would you really rather hear “i never really was attracted to you, but i started dating you because i thought your brother would be a good reference for me to use on my grad school application. now that i’m in school, i really dont need you around anymore. plus, your brother is way hotter” instead of “i need to figure some things out“? hmmm.

these are just a few of the many questions behind the break-up dynamic, a phenomenon addressed by gnarls barkley in their video for “who’s gonna save my soul”

quite possibly the best song of 2008, gnarls barkley examines the break-up act in their usual unusual gnarls barkley fashion, its premise a darkly humorous look at what sometimes happens to the break-upee.

watch.

discuss.

—the champ

****edit, wednesday 12:00pm****

watch as “our favorite cp3″ plays a principle role in the first ever wnba bench clearing brawl. we couldn’t be more proud

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uhnxUbUi_nM

****end of edit****

there are a few guarantees in life, with “death”, “doritoe stains”, and “getting the roof of your mouth burned by microwaved french bread pizza” obviously being among them.

for the champ, since i’m basically a human garbage disposal when it comes to food, i can guarantee that at least two or three times a day, i will be extremely hungry. this isn’t your normal hunger, or even your grandmothers hunger, but an all-encompassing hyenaesque condition caused by the fact that my metabolism is faster than tyson gay. sh*t, at the moment I’m writing this I’m extremely hungry, and when you finally read this I will probably be extremely hungry then too.

what the champ usually looks like when he's hungry

now, if I happen to be out and about while I’m in one of these hungry spells, there’s a chance that I might happen to walk past somebody eating a whopper or one of those neat little wrap thingys from bruegger’s bagels. naturally, my first instinct when seeing that will be to snatch the food from the person’s hand, push them down, and run away eating and cackling, fulfilling my unrelenting hunger.

thing is, because i’m a human being, and i’m aware of little things like “laws” and “social mores” and “prisons” and i’ve seen shows like “Oz” that remind me of why i don’t want to go to prison, i just walk by, ignoring my natural instincts.

my point is that being a human is predicated on doing a lot of unnatural shit. wearing clothes, using toasters, buying books, watching “Girlfriends”, visiting outrageously popular weblogs co-founded by colloquial pittsburgers…basically everything we consciously do is unnatural, and it’s idiotic to compare our sexual selves to other species in the animal kingdom who lack the ability to reason on a high level.

the idea that human monogamy is wrong because its unnatural is at best misguided, and at worst dangerously imbecilic. belief in this suggests that we shouldn’t be held completely accountable for any sexual misdeed short of rape, a completely immature way of understanding our human selves.

“i cheated? so the hell what. you think tigers dont be trying to bone all the other tiger bitches in the jungle?? growl, growl, bitch. growl, growl!!!”

maybe it’s not natural for an animal to commit to just one sexual partner (and, btw, there are numerous species in the animal kingdom who practice monogamy. strangely enough, the reasons for this usually comes down to getting used to the smell of their mates shit), but a human being should know that it’s safer, healthier, and usually makes for a better environment to raise children.

now, am i suggesting that every one needs to run out and discontinue their unmonogamous ways, burning black books and putting entire 12 (wo)man rosters on waivers? hell no. (sh*t, i’m not, lol) just like college, wnba basketball, and mormon pu**y, monogamy isn’t always for everyone, and i understand that. all i’m saying is that the “monogamy is completely synthetic” argument is stupid as hell, and lazier than shaq’s mouth

now, excuse me while i forage for some grub.

—the champ

forget about the bar, the mcats, the gre, the act, sat, psat, pssa, pap smear, and breathalyzer, the v test is the most important test any relationship minded woman can possibly ever take. despite this scientific fact, an alarming number of young women consistently fail this examination, with scores sagging and lagging behind like thongs on assless snizzles

what is the v test, you ask? well, its actually quite simple:

if you didn’t have a vagina, if you woke up tommorrow morning and was somehow rendered completely vagina-less, would any guy still want to be cool with you?

maybe its the fault of socialization. maybe its biological, or maybe its just a cultural thing. who knows. all i do know is that 9 times out of 10, when a woman is unhideous and can still get no consistent sincere male attention, it has nothing to do with the lack of available male prospects or men being intimidated by them (ha!) and their degrees and everything to do with the fact that they’re just boring ass people. boring, boring, boring, boring. boring as the f*ck. boring ass people with nothing to offer in a romantic relationship other than an occasionally wet vajayjay, a professional resume, and nice shoes.

thing is, admittedly, this isn’t always their fault. many women have been trained to think of their vaginas as prized possessions (which i agree with) and that men must prove themselves worthy to get the opportunity to sign their names on the lease (a fact i also agree with).

when this mindset is taken to the extreme though, a little thing called “personality” tends to get neglected, creating a species of walking, talking, vagina zombies (ie: “hobbyless hoes”)…a monolithic mass of meandering and monotonus monsters, their dead eyes and vapidness literally boring unsuspecting people to death.

you know, this actually ties into the reasoning behind the fact that most men don’t believe in platonic friendship. it has nothing to do with our “uncontrollable penises” and everything to do with the fact that many men consider being cool with a vagina-less woman to be as pointless as tits on a bull.

“what possible reason do i have to be cool with her if i’m not f*cking or at least trying to f*ck?”.

before you charge me with being sexist, lemme remind you that many women also feel this way about themselves.  this feeling is perfectly embodied in the skepticism a typical gf possesses when finding out that their mate might have a female friend or two.

“if you’re not f*cking her or at least trying to f*ck, what possible reason do you have to be cool with her??? i mean, she’s a freakin woman for chrissakes!!! what likeable qualities could she possibly possess???”

(if you’re still a bit cynical about this pandemic of personal p*ssy pedestaling and personality neglect, do a little experiment tommorrow. ask five men to name the five funniest people they know personally, and then ask five women the exact same question, and report the results back in the comments. i know exactly how the results are going to turn out, but i want you all to do this anyway)

so, you ask, how does a woman pass the v test? easily actually.

be funny.

do things.

learn shit.

masturbate frequently.

***i’m including this because women who happily admit to never masturbating usually are also vagina zombies. basically, if you’re over 22 and still feel awkward about “popping the pepsi can“, then kill yourself, resuscitate yourself, and kill yourself again***

read vsb.com

listen to the champ

—the champ

i experienced a bit of romance-related drama in the summer of 2006. i wont get too specific, but lets just say that technology can be a bitch. admittedly, i made some decisions that contributed to the situation, but nobody could argue that the actions that occurred in response to my decisions were justified. to make a scale analogy, what happened was akin to someones shoe getting stepped on, and that person responding by taking off the shoe and throwing it in the culprits face.

yet, despite my relative innocence...many would argue that I had it coming.

a decade ago, while the champ was still a college-aged “challenger”, i used technology to intentionally hurt and embarrass someone who i thought had disrespected me. it was mean, vindictive, short-sighted, and immature…easily the moment in my life i’m least proud of (just typing this sh*t made me cringe), and if you believe in romantic karma, a concrete precursor to what happened in 06.

romantic karma in itself is a bit of an enigma, especially when you combine the matrixesque “everything’s connected” mindset behind the concept of karma with the inherent subjectivity synonymous with romantic relationships. are we really eventual recipients of the energy we release? is that karma concept nothing but a self-fulfilling prophesy? is it all just a bunch of bullsh*t?

who knows.

i do know, though, that fully believing in romantic karma has a way of dismissing personal responsibility and accountability. i mean, the stuff that happened in 2006 had absolutely nothing to do with the stunt i pulled my sophomore year in college, and its lazy thinking to even suggest that. yeah, as i alluded to before, i helped to make my own bed, but the decisions that affected the situation were made in ‘06, not ‘98.

also, it seems as if many of us subscribe to this belief system to replace a missing moral compass. for instance, one of the themes repeatedly brought up in the comments here is the fact that the main reason why many people don’t do more relationship dirt is the fear that it’ll come back to bite them in the ass. forget about whether it’s right or wrong or the possibility of someone getting hurt in the process…a full subscription to the “karmic times” is all about us, or, more specifically, how it’s going to directly affect us.

moral ambivalence is part of being human though, and when you combine this with our desperate need to make things “fair”, believing in romantic karma has its place…for some.

just not me.

—the champ

In light of yesterday’s post from Heather Hunter — who’s probably not the p0rn star — and her wayward speaking beau (and the “man’s” attempt to shut us down for a few hours), I figure I’d delve a little deeper into the “wrong sh*t to say” phenomenon. You see, women often allude to the fact that a lot of dudes would get a lot further with them if they’d never open their mouths.

I suppose a lot of guys do say the wrong thing…I suppose. Then again, it always works on some chick. Let’s face it, all women don’t have standards. Which bodes well for guys who don’t really like chicks with standards. That’s the win-win.

Anyway, for a little Friday fun, I figured I’d throw out my guess as to five statements that would probably ruin any woman’s first impression of a man. Let’s see if I know what I’m talking about. I think I do.

PANAMA SPITS THAT HOT FIYAH: 5 STATEMENTS THAT WILL BURN YOU AT YOUR STEAK

1. “Hey bitch.”

Of course, if you’re in France, and you bring your pet Chow to the restaurant with you and it just so happens to be a , ya know, b*tch, it’s quite possible that he was talking to your dog since all dogs go to heaven. And you DO NOT want to get in trouble with big guy upstairs by NOT recognizing the b*tch at the bar…right? Right??

2. “Girl, your a** looks like two basketballs stuffed with two watermelons being eaten by two midgets down there. Hell, I don’t know whether to bounce, bite, or give your ass a pound.”

Yeah, even I have no defense for that one. By the way? That’s a lot of arse.

3. “I’m not really a big fan of relationships. I really just want to have the kind of *word that rhymes with flex* with you that monkeys have when they’re mad at the gazelles. Girl, you know what I’m talking about…”

Interestingly, many women say this is what they’d rather hear from a man than all the game he’s spitting. I don’t believe you, you need more people. I can’t see how any man who says this to a woman would really be given honesty points. In fact, I don’t think ANY man would come out well in this situation. Except maybe LL Cool J. But then again, he’s starting to look like a woman so maybe he knows exactly what woman want to hear.

4. “Miss lady, you’re very pretty. I’ve never seen a woman with such natural beauty as you have and I just wanted to tell you that. If you think that’s sweet, wait til you see how much honey I’d like to pour all over your body. Bartender…bartender…do you have any of her bathwater back there on tap because she is a tall drink of water and I AM FEELING…THIRSTY!”

Heh heh. I’d actually like to try this at some point…just to see how fast the chick would go from “he’s nice” to “I hope you die a slow and painful death”. I have 9 seconds in the office pool.

And lastly…

5. “Great lips. I bet you **** a mean ****. “

Never mind that it might be true. My guess is that telling a woman that she probably ***** a mean **** will ensure that you go home with a *** ****. Which is never a good thing. Of course, on the off chance that she does both **** a mean **** AND wants to show you, well then slap me silly and call me Susan because you’ve just met a hooker.

So good people of VSB.com, what are some things that you’ve actually heard that ruined a first impression in something like 5 seconds flat. Ladies, I KNOW with all the stories that get floated out here that there are a million jacked up statements. And fellas (what!), fellas (what!), what are some lines you’ve actually tried on chicks that you knew weren’t going to work but you said, “who cares, maybe she’ll bite?” Deviant, I KNOW you got lines!

Sharing is caring, people.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

In case you didn’t get the memo, men and women tend to think about stuff differently.

I know, shocking.

Well in today’s episode of link/email of the week, I’d like to toss something out there and see if men and women are viewing this the same way. I’m very much so interested in this. Perhaps I’m wrong and the disagreement/debate I’m having RIGHT NOW with my girlfriend is just my wayward thinking. Help me Rhonda, oh help help me Rhonda.

Gander:

Sometime late last summer, I went on a couple of dates with an attractive, well-spoken, and charming entrepreneur we’ll call Drew. Drew tended to ask me out for Thursday evenings, and yet, still be a little miffed when I wanted to be home by midnight. Not to be my mother, but it’s a school night! After a full day in the office, a full evening on the town can be a lot of effort. For what would have been our third date, and as an invitation to meet his friends, Drew left me a voicemail one afternoon.

“… Thursday night, if you can bring your A-game. Peace out.”

Peace out? Were we on the same paintball team? It wasn’t even the goofy signoff that got me. I remember being most taken aback by the bit about bringing my A-game. I have never been accused of being a bad time or bringing down the group fun quotient. Was insulting me really meant to woo me? Maybe. At the very least it was thoughtless and ultimately, a deal breaker.

-How To Lose a Girl in 10 Words, Heather Hunter, iVillage.com

Perhaps I’m just a Master A**hole, but I don’t see the big deal. In fact, I’m still searching for the insult. I pulled out GoogleMaps and everything. Now perhaps the voicemail wasn’t the best way to do it. But oh well. Oops. It’s only the third date, you get the massaged voicemails intended to cater to your inner good soul on date four.

From Ms. Hunter’s vantage, him telling her to bring her A-game implies that at some point in the 2 dates prior, she didn’t bring her A-game. My girlfriend shares this same sentiment.

I on the other hand don’t think that’s the case, necessarily. I think that it is wholly possible that he’s just telling her to bring her A-game to say…period. There is no before in his mind that says “well she kind of brought her C-game on that last date, I might need to remind her that this is a big deal.” Hell if she really sucked, there wouldn’t be a third date. Or…maybe their would, but it wouldn’t be to meet his friends, if you know what I mean.

Heh heh heh.

But I digress.

Dudes do it all a time. It’s just a reminder of the levity of the situation. When we go play ball, you’re gonna tell your boys to bring their best game…EVEN IF THEY ALWAYS DO. It’s just a means to drive a point home. Nothing more nothing less and generally it isn’t always meant to make you feel like you haven’t been living up to your potential. Now the case might exist where your boy has been stinking up the court, but in that case, when you tell him, it’s more a threat, and you probably won’t continue playing with him. See? No further dates.

And especially when dating…if she was REALLY slacking, would she even be on date number three? Granted, he might not have seen her naked yet, but still, men bore easily and if she really sucked (no pun intended), I’d never talk to her again after date two.

So good people of VSB.com, am I missing something here? Was what he said really that offensive or is she just being overly sensitive? Is this a chick thing where she’s just over-reading into his statement and its possible he really means nothing? Or is he just a jacka** like so many men before him?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

You know what conversation I’ll never have with my girlfriend?  Give up?  Good.  I’ll never have the conversation where we discuss my “rating” of her.

There are bad ideas in life and then there are TERRIBLE BUBONIC PLAGUE AND SYPHILLIS bad ideas.  Discussing your rating of any close friends of yours is definitely one of them.  File it in with shooting yourself in the left testicle/breasticle as “things you should avoid at all costs.”

Hmm…but Panama…why is it such a bad idea?

I’m glad you asked.  Let’s think about this.

We’ve already discussed platonic friends so let’s just run with the idea that men don’t have platonic friends – we just have friends we haven’t slept with…yet.

[***DISCLAIMER: I don’t have those types of friends.  All of my female friends are platonic!!!!  You read that, baby?  Did you? Did you??? (Yes my girlfriend both reads and responds on VSB.com)***]

So assuming that men don’t have platonic friends and that for the most part we just want to see women naked (and let’s pretend Kamilah’s story and her two homeboys’ response was an anomaly), why is this a bad idea?

For a few reasons, actually.  For one, there is no right answer to this question.   She won’t believe you for two.  You can’t tell her you think she’s a 10 because of course you’re lying and she knows your lying because she knows she’s not a 10 because despite her thinking she’s perfect she KNOWS she’s not and you telling her that she’s a dime is just placating her and trying to get into her goodiebox.

And women aren’t stupid.  They know when we’re just saying what they want to hear.  Which is interesting if you think about it.  I don’t think most women want to hear the truth, but they also don’t want to hear a lie.  Women just like voices.

Conversely, if you tell your homegirl that she’s a 7 then you have to explain to her why she’s not a 10.  And trust me, broham, you DO NOT WANT TO explain to a woman you’re trying to see naked what you think is wrong with her.

There are two truisms in life.  One:  Black men are highly sensitive, especially if they’re from LA.  Two:  Nothing makes a chick more defensive (read: less likely to sleep with you) than hearing about what YOU think are her imperfections.  She may say that she appreciates that you’re honest with her…and perhaps she does, but it still stings to hear that you think she’d be so much hotter if she, ya know, got a different face and added a couple SOLO cups to her breast size..and not to mention that weird twitch her right eyebrow seems to do on Thursdays.  And trust me pimpin’, you’ll HAVE to have this conversation because she isn’t letting it go, hombre.

You may just want to give her the rating and keep it moving.  I know I do.  I see a chick, I rate a chick, I scratch myself, and I keep it moving.  Ain’t a woman alive that is going to say, “You think I’m a 7…cool.  What’s on TV?”

Further, if you tell her she’s a 6, you might hurt her feelings (read: no drawz).  If you tell her that she’s an 8, she may be happy but she’ll want to know what she would need to do to become a 10 to which you should just reply:

“Become hotter.” And then throw something at her to change the subject.

Tell a chick she’s a 9?  Sheeeeeeeeeeit.  You might as well get ready to spend your afternoon convincing her that you actually mean it AND telling her what she’d need to do to become a 10.

The bottom line is that you never want to have to tell a woman her flaws unless she specifically asks about them because it will never end well.  It just…is.

It was written.

Word.Life.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Yesterday, I said that any woman can be charmed. I fervently believe this to be true. Deep down, all women are romantics just waiting for some man to come in and sweep them off their feet with good conversation, romance, and some good wang. So despite the cold demeanor that many women possess, they’re all secretly hoping that even the 5’4” midget brotha with two gold and two silver teeth and wearing Fila’s will be the prince they read about when they heard about the first “tougher than Nigerian hair” weave goddess, Rapunzel.

But how is it possible that any woman can be charmed right out of her panties? I’m glad you asked. You see, we here at VSB.com are benevolent souls who’s sole goal in life is to help with the Cotton Removal Project people find love.

And for the record, this assumes you have the cajones to actually go talk to a chick. Also, let’s just assume we’re past the initial approach and trying to figure out how to get the young lady interested.

With that said, I present:

CHARMING HER SOCKS OFF: 5 WAYS TO CHARM A CHICK

1. Make her laugh. Despite the sheer no-brainer-ness of this it’s not easy to make a chick laugh. There are a few ways to do this. For some of you fellas, you can just whip out your Johnson. I’m sure that’s good for a laugh or two, but that’s not so much charming as it is sexual harassment. For most guys, being witty is key. Try to say something smart and funny. Try NOT to say something so STUPID that she’s laughing AT you and not with you because you tried to show you were smart. Basically, if you get into a conversation about grammar and the word homonym comes up, don’t say:
“Yeah, I really don’t get down with homonyms like that for real. I’m 100% percent straight, you know what I’m saying?”

2. Be vague and mysterious, but open and inviting…all at the same time. Tell her everything and nothing all at the same time. Women like to feel special and always want to feel like they’re getting more information out of you than other people have. In short, if she asks you a question just tell her that, “Look, it’s not in my nature to be mysterious. But I can’t talk about it and I can’t talk about why. However, I feel like I can open up to you.” See, say nothing and yet you’ve made yourself mysterious. Charmed.

3. Be artsy. I don’t quite get this one, but women love artsy cats. We can blame Love Jones for this one. But if you are talking to a chick and start alluding to how much you love jazz and art and how much music moves your soul, chances are you can see her naked. And hell, don’t actually KNOW what you’re talking about. You see, women like to believe in deep connections and passion. If you have passion and its palpable, well, you just might be able to get into a chick’s deep connection.

4. Basically stand out by being a little quirky. You’d think this would be a detriment, but the more memorable you are, the better chances you have of a chick catching some kind of instant attraction to you. Truthfully, there’s nothing more attractive to a chick than a dude who seems like he doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks but will be sensitive to her needs. If you can show her this in the first meeting, you’ll see her naked before Shawty Lo can spell onomatopoeia.

And yes I spelled that right. Go ahead, you can look it up.

5. Don’t pay her any real attention but keep her attention. This is similar to standing out, but in this scenario, you’re actually playing her to the left but making sure she still knows you’re there. This is some shit an artsy, quirky, cat would do and he’d stand out. If you make other people laugh, she’ll bite hook, line, and sinker. And then she’s as good as got. Call her a fish, jack, cuz she’s caught up like Usher in the Pacific Ocean.

Of course, these are but a few general ways to charm a chick. Essentially, the key to charming a woman is to keep her attention. If you can keep her attention, she’ll somehow think that perhaps you will hold her attention for life, because women are optimistic and believers. And smilers.

Folks of VSB.com, what are some other ways to charm the sex socks out of a woman? Open up and give.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

We’ve had plenty of discussions about men and our propensity to rather date an attractive women with a less wordy resume versus a “6” with a gang of degrees. But you know, every now and then, a man will end up dating a woman that has everybody asking questions.

And alas, quite often I’ve seen an attractive woman dating a man with crip-walking teeth, or maybe even a fellow who would put on an ACTUAL WOOL sweater to come to a party in the middle of July in Washington, DC, during AKA week because apparently he thought he might get chilly since the temperature was supposed to drop ALL THE WAY down to 69. Somebody break out the mittens.

But I digress.

Fact is, in almost everybody’s catalog of “folks I dated”, there is a frog or two.

And do you know how it happens?

Do ya?

Do ya?

Go ahead. Take a gander. A goose if you must.

You talked to them.

Yep, it’s that simple.

Now, my guess is that this happens to women more than it does to men. If you can make a woman laugh, you have a 10/1 shot of at least getting 5 more minutes of conversation which is generally all you’ll need for her to let her guard down and say, “ya know what, he looks like Dennis Rodman but he seems nice, why not give him a shot to at least pay for my dinner once?”

This doesn’t work so well for men. For one, how often does a man intentionally approach an ugly woman? Not.often. Ugly men approach beautiful women all the time as they have nothing to lose. In fact, if I was a fuglysomebody, I’d ONLY approach banging chicks. And even moreso, I’d approach at least 8 a day. When ugly comes into play, the sheer number of people you address will increase your possibility of scoring a banging chick. Basically, somebody’s gonna give up the ghost and then you’re a success story. Even if it’s 1 out of 400, that one makes you a story worth discussing.

For a man to end up dating an ugly woman, he usually has to know her from the neighborhood and spent a lot of time getting to know her – almost to the point where he has to begin asking himself why NOT date her. We all do it. We find excuses to forego somebody we’re interested in because they look like lamps.

But women can be charmed. In fact, any women can be charmed, you can take that to the bank. And charm is half the battle. So if you’re a facially challenged brother out there, work on your personality because a great personality can win over a woman with an open heart who likes to smile. Women who never smile are evil and you should never speak to them.

And for my facially challenged women out there? Well…

…work on your head game and be rich.

Thank you and good night.

Check back for part ii tomorrow where I explain exactly HOW any woman can be charmed…

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

*taken from dictionary.com*

grown-up

1.    of, characteristic of, or intended for adults: grown-up movies; a grown-up discussion.
2.    having or showing maturity in outlook, attitude, or appearance: a grown-up attitude toward work.

ask 10 people and you’ll likely get 10 different definitions of this term. some will probably make it age-specific, while others might define it with harder to detect variables such as maturity and accomplishments. for me, grown-up is a state of mind, a general way of thinking that leans heavily on common sense, tactfulness, and practicality. thing is, the varied definitions of what makes a grown up a grown up make courting, dating, and relationships much more difficult than they already are.

in an attempt to somewhat subside this confusion, I’ve decided to help everybody out and name four simple behaviors that every grown-ass man and grown-ass woman should practice. (i could probably name forty-four, but our lovely managing editor takes a shot of jack every time i get too long-winded, and i’m trying to keep her on the wagon)

1. GROWN-ASS MEN…should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever brag about their penis, bedroom manner, or sexual exploits. never. ever.

let the women you’ve been with in the past be your pipegame A&R’s and penis politicians. trust me, if you’re doing what youre supposed to be doing, they”ll gladly volunteer

2. GROWN-ASS WOMEN…should never allow themselves to be defined solely by their sexuality

basically, a grown-ass woman should know that a long sleeved dress shirt, jeans, and an appropriate heel on her worst day still owns three times as much potential sexiness than some jeans revealing three inches of butt cleavage, accompanied by a fishnet turtleneck with pink piranha nipple clamps. a grown-ass women should always know that their sexuality will always be the implied yet powerful elephant in the room, and knows she doesn’t need to acknowledge it by “yee-hawing” loudly and riding the elephant through the doorway like it’s Seattle Slew.

3. GROWN-ASS MEN…should never try to “out-sexy” a woman.

we’re all are ugly and awkward. we can never be as outwardly sexy as a woman is, so stop trying. the things that women do seem to find sexy in us aren’t going to come across in a picture of you donned in tight spandex, sticking your ass out and smiling “seductively” on a chopper.

if you’re still unsure about how you should look when taking a picture, use this as your own personal cheat-sheet..

yes

NO!!!!!

4. GROWN-ASS MEN AND GROWN-ASS WOMEN…should never repeatedly get fired from jobs

i’m not talking about company downsizing or basically getting yourself fired because you have a serious issue with your superiors’ shady activity, but grown-ass men and grown ass women should never repeatedly have their employment terminated because of incompetence or chronic lateness or screwing the janitor in the break room. i have a friend who’s not yet 30 years old, but has already been fired from jobs at least seven or eight times. the reasons have varied, but they all come down to the same basic point that she needs to grow the hell up. this may seem like an odd topic to bring up on a relationship blog, but if you can’t hold a job for longer than six months, there’s no way in hell that any serious adult romantic relationship you’re in is going to last.

anyway though, vsb, what other qualities/characteristics would you name? what makes a grown-ass up a grown-ass up, and what else shouldn’t a grown ass person ever do?

—the champ